Sometimes I just run out of things to say, sometimes I don't know what to say. I just want to hold her and let her know I've got her and I love her. I wish I could see into her head, how everything is mapped out. Why does she get scared? Why does she hate herself so much? Why does she hurt herself? Maureen has answered some of these questions for me but I wish I could just see the answers exactly as she does, just for a moment, so that I could fully understand. She is skinny but thinks she's fat. She puts on a smile even when she's crying inside. She cuddles into me even if she feels alone. There are so many things I do understand but there are so many things unknown. I wonder what it would be like if she could see herself from my point of view? She would see that she is beautiful. She is smart and funny and she makes me smile more than anyone ever has. She makes me the happiest person alive. She has an amazing body that I would just die for. Her hair, no matter how much it annoys her, is stunning. I wish I could forever run my fingers through it. Her smile, her real smile, makes my heart flutter. Its magic. And her eyes. No words can describe those eyes. When she smiles those amazing eyes of hers light up and make me smile too. They are so striking, so beautiful. She is perfect. Maybe if she could be me for a day she wouldn't hate herself so much. She would see that she is worth everything and, as cheesy as it sounds, I would die without her in my life.

I open my eyes and gaze at my gorgeous girlfriend lying next to me. Our hands are still locked between us. I memorise every detail of her face. I smile at her cute little button nose. Her hair lies spread out on the pillow with her arm tucked into her chest. She is Maureen and she is perfect.

Maureen's still asleep when I wake up. I don't know how. Usually she's the first up but not today. I decide I want to treat her to a nice breakfast, something fresh. I gently roll out of the bed, de-tangling myself from Maureen's arms, to look in the kitchen for some food. Okay so we're due a big shop as the cupboards are bare. I pull on my trackies and a hoodie and sneak quietly out of the flat, grabbing my purse and keys on the way out. I guess I'll just have to pop out to the shop then if I want to treat my girl.

I lick my lips at the thought of pancakes and syrup for breakfast as I swing my bags. The shop was surprisingly busy for 8.30 in the morning so I've been gone at least 40 minutes. Maybe Maureen's up and this won't get to be a surprise at all. I'm humming by the time I reach our door, excited at my plan, but I stop. I barely breathe. I move quietly closer to the door. I hear a muffled scream. Maureen.

I scrabble for my keys, I can't waste time, if I could knock the bloody door down I would! I need to get in there. The door flies open. She screams again.

'Maureen?' I shout, throwing my bags on the ground and shutting the door quickly.

Where the hell is she? I run to the bedroom.

'Maureen?' I shout again as I fling the door open.

Shit.

'Don't move Joanne.'

She doesn't look at me. She's Frozen and so am I. The blade shines in the morning light coming in the window, the blood glimmers. I watch it. Her breathing is fast, tears stream down her cheeks.

'Maureen please put it down?' I'm calm, on the outside anyway.

On the inside the rational Joanne says 'just talk to her. She will put it down.'

The irrational Joanne however is screaming, 'get it off her! She's going to leave you! You're going to lose her!'

I push the irrational me away and speak slowly to Maureen.

'Mo you don't need to do this. Its okay, I'm here.'

She begins whimpering. I don't know if its from the pain or the terror. I quickly glance at her side. Its bad, its really bad. Blood streams down her side. Its on her hands. She's a mess. Why the hell did I leave her?! She's losing too much blood. She needs to put the knife down. She can't leave me! Shutup irrational Joanne!

'Baby listen to me please.'

I see her hand tense slightly as I begin to walk towards her. She's sobbing now, her breathing's heavy. The knife moves closer to her skin. I need to get that cut sorted out fast. There's too much blood. Shit.

I stop moving.

'Maureen, I know it seems like there's no way out right now but baby there is. You've got me and I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to hurt you and-'

'That didn't stop him!' She screams at me as the blade slices at her skin again. I gasp watching the blood trickle down. I run at her and grab her hand before it touches her delicate skin again.

'Let me go!' She screams.

She's hysterical. Where is my girlfriend? What has taken over? She's not Maureen anymore. She's frightened and angry and hopeless. How could I have let this happen? Why didn't I help her? Piss off irrational Joanne!

I'm still holding her wrist tightly as she struggles to free it.

'Leave me alone! I want to go! I want to die! Just let me!' I see the pain in her eyes, I hear it in her cries. I want my girlfriend back.

'Maureen I am not letting you go!' I scream back. 'You can't leave me! I need you Maureen! I love you!'

I guess I should listen to irrational Joanne more often just like Maureen does as she drops the blood covered knife and breaks down into floods of tears in my arms.