Author's Notes: Here it is, one of the most difficult chapters I've tried to write so far! Sexuality and love are complex enough, to say nothing about navigating sex and love when you're living under worldwide scrutiny for your looks and relationships!
TRIGGER WARNING: This story does touch on themes of slut-shaming and body shaming as well as a conflicted character trying to decide how or if to act on an attraction. Obviously, Ilisapie is not always a reliable narrator in the way she perceives herself, her looks, and her choices.
Canon Note: For those who recall the montage recap of the earlier years of the Jaeger Program, Fei-Hen Wang is the name I have given the beautiful Chinese woman clearly posed for the propaganda that Raleigh is referencing during his narration. Her name and her status as pilot of Shaolin Rogue beginning in 2017 is purely headcanon, as is the notion that Chrome Brutus was a Jaeger built so big, clunky, and top-heavy that he has nicknames such as the Hulk or the Cave Troll - and refer to him as the latter at risk of ass-beating by Ilisapie and Zeke. Just a reminder that bios of the mechs themselves as well as their crews can be found on my tumblr under the tag "Generation K."
Trivia: The title and first line of this story are plays on two very famous books. Can anyone spot them?
Chapter Six: Love In The Time Of Shatterdomes
Summer 2017...
Ilisapie Flint was not beautiful. She wasn't even particularly pretty. A lot of the media had a problem with that. Hell, some of the personnel within the PPDC had a problem with it.
During the initial review of Ilisapie and Zeke's proposed assignment to Chrome Brutus, a couple of the senior brass started hemming and hawing despite their excellent scores in the simulator and favorable physical and psychological profiles. "Well... do you think Miss Flint really presents the image of the PPDC? There is the public relations angle to consider." Even one or two of the other commanding officers nodded.
Caitlin nearly blew a gasket. Marshall Gagnon curtly redirected the discussion, pointing out Ilisapie's sterling record as a national guard pilot and her experience supporting Brawler Yukon as a spotter through no less than three engagements, and the subject was mercifully dropped.
During launch prep for Gipsy Danger, Yankee Star's crew came and went from Anchorage with them, and Tanisha Davis sidled over to Ilisapie at one point. "You got the 'image' thing, I hear."
"You too?"
"Yeah." Tanisha's snort was more bitter resignation than any active anger. Lissa could understand that. "Old white guys, they all got this idea in their head about the image female officers are supposed to have. It took 'em ten weeks to sign off on Caleb and me."
"I remember." She hadn't been a ranking officer then, just a support pilot, but Caitlin had stormed through the base in a rage, frequently commiserating/conspiring with the Gages.
"Where the fuck do they get off making looks a factor?"
"It's not just looks, it's race. It's 2015, and some of our military still have a problem with a black woman and a white man standing next to each other."
Tanisha's short hair was microbraided on top of her head, a flattering hairstyle for the shape of her face, but also easy to deal with when you were constantly wearing helmets and pons caps. "Did they try and give you a makeover too?" Lissa asked her.
She got another knowing snort. "Yeah. Like squid caps and circuitry helmets ain't enough, they wanted me to wear a weave for launch."
"Holy shit. That's shameless. Have you met Fei-Yen? She's in my class, just got assigned to Shaolin Rogue."
"Uh-uh. She get it too?" Tanisha sounded surprised. Fei-Yen was a pretty woman, far more model material than Ilisapie or Tanisha. Being in the same graduating class as her, Ilisapie had gotten wind of some of the demands placed even on the good-looking ones.
"The Chinese brass won't let her cut her hair. She wanted it like mine, to the chin so the helmet can just go over it. They did assign her a make-up artist. She can't go anywhere over there without her face on and her hair done."
"Shit. Maybe there's worse things than being 'the ugly ones.' Fox News says I need to lose weight, they probably do special reports if she gains an ounce."
"Exactly. They called me fat too. Well, not exactly 'fat,' something like, 'weeelll, maybe we should have the physical fitness assessment re-done, are we sure Miss Flint's in shape? She seems rather... heavy for piloting.'" She gave the American woman a wry smirk. "I thought Zeke was gonna go across the conference table."
Nobody who'd spent any time in the gym, the Kwoon, or on the training fields with Ilisapie or Tanisha would suggest that either woman was in less than peak physical condition. However, in the eyes of the world's peanut gallery, women like them were "heavy" because they didn't have the skinny physique of a supermodel. The idea that some women had fuller figures than others but still were in good shape never occurred to the middle-aged white men who made all the decisions about "the PPDC's image," it seemed.
"Caleb got it too even before he came out. He was the right sex, right color, but the brass didn't think a guy covered in freckles with a thick country accent fit the profile of the 'all-American boy' either, not like Bruce and Trevin. Brady Harris – our PR guy – he spends all his time getting them off our back, more than the paparazzi even, telling 'em I'm not getting a fucking makeover and Caleb don't need to be air brushed." Tanisha tilted her head thoughtfully. "Fei-Yen's partner gets shit, I bet. Not handsome enough."
Ilisapie nodded. "Huan's brilliant, tough, sweet. He was with her from the start in 2008, when she was fighter pilot. She loves him. The brass doesn't want it known that they're involved; they think she should be with a male model or starring in The Bachelorette."
Mid-December 2017…
The weather really was turning oppressive as Christmas season got closer in Alaska. Many of their crewmates were down for the count in the infirmary with Polar Bear Plague, as it came to be called. A small gathering in the gym courtyard with grills converted into barbecue/bonfire hybrids were all the excitement the healthy personnel were prepared to handle. The mess hall staff obligingly cooked up chickens soup and apples and s'mores in all their incarnations. They even managed to wheedle Marshall Gagnon that an abundance of Pumpkin Ale and hard cider and Irish Whiskey coffee wouldn't break Academy protocols on alcohol consumption.
"Here's to the newest of our proud fleet of Jaegers, Chrome Brutus!" Tendo announced, and everyone happily joined the toast, followed by a rousing and severely off-key rendition of O Canada.
Raleigh Becket was mellow at first, with his crew stuffing him with food and feeding him spiced cider that had a subtle but powerful kick. It made Ilisapie feel all warm and fuzzy to see the kid sprawled on the floor in a pile of his crew, content and happy.
But there were subtleties that she caught in the youngest Ranger's bearing, and from the looks his crew were shooting him and her, she knew they were catching it too. Raleigh was only a few months out of combat and injury, and word on the street was that it had been a major incident of drift shock after Yamarashi. Ilisapie had witnessed drift shock in its first documented cases; first with Caitlin and Sergio, then Pentecost and Sevier, then the Gage twins. Every time a team went into battle, they found things had changed.
Raleigh was twitchy, anxious and worried about his brother back in the infirmary. Lissa was fretful for Zeke's well-being too, but the Psychs had warned her: after combat, it would be different. It was always that way; all the pilots said nothing was ever the same after combat drift. With Raleigh, it wasn't so much that he was worried, just that he... wanted Yancy. He was fidgety at knowing his brother was somewhere he wasn't allowed to be. Lissa remembered the way Yancy had tried to reach for him, just to hug him and reassure that he'd be okay. She and Zeke hugged more now than they ever had.
Tanisha had escaped the Polar Bear Plague, and she and Caleb were practically entwined next to one of the space heaters that were standing in for bonfires. The same was true of Caitlin and Sergio. Stephanie Lanphier and Kennedy LaRue were also cuddling shamelessly, even though they hadn't had a combat deployment yet. They'd been drifting for a year.
Partnerless, Ilisapie soon found herself next to Raleigh again, with the younger Ranger under her arm as they made s'mores over a grill. DOWN, Lissa. You're going to have to write lines: I will not fuck Raleigh Becket. That's all you need, another round of the "slutty native girl" reputation.
She winced involuntarily, and Raleigh glanced at her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she said quickly, but a few of the others had noticed her frowning. She winked at Kennedy, the pilot from New Orleans. "Cold, dark weather depresses me."
"Girrrl, you live in the wrong part of the continent, then!" Stephanie exclaimed, and the others laughed.
"Can Inuit even get the seasonal affective depression thing?" demanded Tendo Choi, getting appalled looks from some of his more sensitive crewmates.
"And can Tendo be any more tactless?" scolded someone, but Lissa waved them off.
"It's fine. Actually, it's pretty common. I don't think a lot of people really like being out of the sun for months on end. Don't worry, I'm not really," she assured Raleigh, seeing his concerned look. She booped him on the nose. "Just thinking. I get philosophical when I'm tipsy."
Just be a wingman, find him a cute crew girl.
The problem was, Raleigh didn't seem interested in the cute crew girls. Maybe Ilisapie wasn't trying hard enough. There was plenty of flirting going on, but the kid who'd ranked second in People Magazine's Sexiest Ranger poll seemed more in the mood to talk shop with fellow pilots and J-techs than pick a girl up. (Then again, the effort of picking anybody up had to be a lot less for Raleigh Becket than Ilisapie Flint, so it might have just been skewed perspective.)
"Yance and me love Brutus," he informed some of the crew who thought Canada's Jaeger's design was inelegant. "He looks like the Hulk."
"Awful top-heavy, though - no offense," said Caleb quickly.
Ilisapie waved him off. "It doesn't offend me as long as I don't hear you calling him the cave troll."
Caitlin cackled, well on her way to drunk. "That and the 'butt-rockets' thing - you kicked Duc all around the Kwoon for it! I shoulda sold tickets!"
"Chrome's badass," said Raleigh. "I couldn' believe how fast he is. You'd'a knocked Yamarashi over by yourselves!"
"Schoenfeld stacked as much upper body strength on him as he could after seeing a few of the Mark-1's and Mark-2's getting knocked over," Lissa explained to the curious listeners. "We needed a heavyweight. He's it."
"I can't wait to see him in action. Him and Shaolin Rogue - the biggest and the smallest," said Tanisha.
"Shaolin's spear, baby, that's what I wanna see in action!" exclaimed Tendo.
"Tendo, man, he's all about the size of the spear!" chortled Raleigh, getting a chorus of raunchy noises from Team Gipsy. Tendo didn't even blush, just smirked at the crowd in general.
"And he's not even the one who likes guys," one of the other LOCCENT techs from Gipsy added.
Scanning the "bonfire" crew, Ilisapie noticed she wasn't the only one distracted. One of Gipsy's strike troop coordinators who'd wandered off to take a phone call was now back in front of the grills, scowling as her marshmallow turned slowly into charcoal. "What's up, Bikini Babe?" asked Raleigh.
(Not that Hien Nguyen had been the only one of the women in a bikini in the Icebox Challenge, but hers had definitely been the smallest, much to the awe of the participants and the delight of the boys.) Now she shrugged, avoiding her crew's eyes. "Nothing really. My parents saw the Polar Bear video on YouTube, and had the usual reaction. They don't approve, I'm a bad slutty girl, and should come home right now. Same shit, different day."
"Huh?!" Everyone exchanged appalled looks. "They didn't... really call you slutty - did they?" asked Stephanie Lanphier slowly.
"Is it, like, a culture thing?" someone asked. Hien was first-generation from a Vietnamese immigrant family.
Hien snorted. "Not really. Just rigid, overprotective helicopter parent thing. I joined the National Guard to get away from them. They were so sure I'd wash out and come crawling back. Ten years on, they're still waiting and sending me nastygrams on what a horrible rebellious child I am."
Raleigh growled. "Yeah, you're a real disgrace. You're only a Jaeger Program Strike Trooper in charge of mobilizing crew and saving lives when a kaiju comes ashore, nothing for parents to be proud of there."
"Don't worry about it, kiddo. I'm used to it." She hugged Raleigh and let the rest of the crew ply her with booze, and gradually relaxed again.
Kennedy and Stephanie were still seething. "What kind of parent calls their own kid a slut?" Steffie fumed.
"Virgil tried that once." At Steffie's astonished face, Kennedy smirked. "Remember sophomore year, when he couldn't drive 'cause my parents took his license and made him go to that 'class?'"
"Holy shit! I thought it was driving school because he got a ticket or something!"
Kennedy grinned, and to Ilisapie's relief, while Hien was listening now, the older woman was smirking too. "My Mama's big on the punishment fitting the crime. They found one of those sensitivity training things that courts order assholes to do after they harass or beat up women and signed him up for it. Daddy said if he ever heard Virgil talking about any woman that way again, he'd be paying for college himself."
"LaRue, I like your Mama and Daddy," announced Tanisha.
"Why'd your brother say that in the first place?" Tendo demanded.
Kennedy rolled her eyes. "He didn't like my Homecoming date. Guy was kind of an asshole, but that was my problem, not Virgil's. Long story."
"The first time I dated at all was after I left home," said Hien. "My mother called me a slut for wanting to try on makeup when I was twelve."
Ilisapie noticed that most of those aghast were the men. While many of the women in the group were disgusted, few were showing much surprise. I was just the fat, ugly girl who'd never get a boy to go out with me, she mused, recalling middle and high school and telling herself it didn't still sting. So she'd slathered on make-up and worn short skirts, thinking she could prove something, but after the first couple of boys took her up on it, all that had done was earn her the brand of slut.
Zeke had been among the few people in her family who'd never scolded her for the way she dressed - even when they were both moody teenagers - or looked down on her because of who she slept with or how often. "You can always tell me if someone's messing with you or you need help," he'd said they yakked on Skype while she was around the world on assignments. "Or if you wanna talk. Other than that, it's nobody's business."
Why did she keep looking at Raleigh Becket? Well, the guy was easy on the eyes; it was no crime to admit that. But he'd have his pick of girls, especially now that he was a tested Ranger with a kill to his name. The Psychs would probably say it was yet another holdover to her 'formative years,' sighing over the Prom King who'd never notice her.
Even when feelings were mutual, the PPDC brass had to throw up roadblocks. Look at Shaolin Rogue. They were case in point. Fei-Yen and Huan had been mortified the first time Ilisapie and Zeke had walked in on them, fully expecting disapproval. "Your Air Force doesn't allow fraternization?" Ilisapie had guessed.
Fei-Yen had awkwardly looked away. "It's not forbidden in regulations. Only to me."
It had taken them most of Class 2017-A to figure it out: Fei-Yen Wang was too beautiful, her value to the propaganda machine too high to lose the untouchable poster girl image. On top of that, the rather wiry, gawky Huan Che wasn't the handsome buck suitable to be next to her in a romance. They were billed as surrogate siblings, rumors of romance or sex quickly disclaimed, and in most of the promotions, Fei-Yen appeared alone with Huan like an afterthought in the background, if at all. As if she could pilot Shaolin Rogue or her fighter jet without his help.
Hell, even suitably photogenic couples couldn't live their lives without the fucking brass sticking their noses in it. Look at Peter Lepp and Hedy Keres, Eden Assassin's pilots. Their relationship was no secret, their engagement had been greeted with cheers and feel-good stories worldwide, but the brass kept pushing them to do a public wedding and slobber all over each other in front of the cameras. According to Corps gossip, all they really wanted was to just tie the knot back in Estonia with their families.
So fighting kaiju has to be priority. Yeah, we all get that. But do we really all sign on to turn into propaganda puppets even in our personal lives too? Was it really that to be Rangers, people could never just be with whoever they wanted for however long they wanted?
An argument broke her out of her musings. "You can't go spend the night in the infirmary, Rals," Stephanie was insisting. "You might as well sleep in a petri dish. Dr. Tán will just kick you out again."
Raleigh fidgeted, avoiding people's eyes. "Like there's no possibility I'll get the flu from my room. Yancy lives there too."
He doesn't want to be there alone. He'll worry about Yancy all night.
"Come on," said her mouth before her brain gave permission. "I'm all by my lonesome tonight too. You can borrow Zeke's bunk." Dammit, Lissa!
But he smiled, looking relieved. Well, fine. They'd both be more comfortable sharing a room than by themselves, fretting about their partners in the infirmary. But she was not going to make a move on him. He was too young, too good-looking. He wouldn't be interested in Ilisapie Flint, she told herself as she let them both into her quarters. Her making an attempt would just embarrass them both.
She reallywas not expecting Raleigh make a move.
But he did. Even a girl with half of Ilisapie's experience couldn't miss the way he moved closer, the heat in his eyes as an unmistakable invitation.
And idiot that she was, she just stared until he backed off in embarrassment. "Sorry."
"W-wait." Pull it together, woman! "You mean... seriously?" Not the sexiest thing she'd ever said. For god's sake, she might not be a head-turner, but she wasn't a blushing virgin either. She should be able to turn a guy down - or accept his offer - without stammering and fidgeting.
For someone she would have expected to be a lot more confident with women, Raleigh was almost as flustered as she was. "I wasn't trying to offend you or anything."
"You didn't," she managed to say quickly with something resembling firmness. Swallowing hard, she added, "At all." Big blue eyes met hers again. It really ought to be against the law for a guy to be that cute. "I just... figured you'd be interested in someone...else."
Raleigh frowned, puzzled, and shook his head. "I'm not cheating on anybody."
"I know, but there's cuter girls around here than me." Now she got a full-blown deer-in-the-headlights look. "Dammit! Forget I said that. I was getting all philosophical at the bonfire."
To her relief, he rallied and gave her an awkward, crooked grin. "Uh-oh, you're one of those? Booze makes you quote Nietzsche?"
"More like Abigail Adams, but yeah." She dared to try and regain the moment. "And I was trying to talk myself out of hitting on you."
"Why, there's better-looking guys around here," he deadpanned, and she laughed. She'd probably deserved that. "I wasn't... y'know, looking for anything serious. Just someone who gets it. A Ranger."
"Yeah, I get that." Fighting kaiju's not about being desirable. We're not in public. If I want him and for god-knows-what reason, he wants me, what's the problem? "Want to forget it? Everything about the war and all the shit we're supposed to do?"
"I'm up for that."
Stop thinking about it, Lissa. Just do what you want. You don't owe anyone explanations. She was a Ranger, he was a Ranger. They could have a night and didn't answer to anyone.
So she moved closer, and he met her in the center. Just two Rangers looking for a good night. If they both wanted it, whatever complications might lie in the reasons, they were adults. They would be able to have this much of what they wanted for themselves.
The day after…
She was surprised in the morning to find him still there, on IM to the infirmary. "Both our partners are still under quarantine."
Ilisapie mock-groaned, rolling over and pretending to hide under her pillow. "Your brother's gonna kill me, isn't he?"
"I won't let him kick your ass if you won't let Zeke kick mine."
"Zeke knows better."
Raleigh huffed. "I wish Yancy did."
"He gives the shovel talk?!"
But the kid laughed. "Nah, not that bad - not like Kennedy's brother, apparently," he added, making a face. "He just lurks."
"He can suck it. We're all grown-ups piloting Jaegers. Outside the conn-pod, we can do what we want."
She knew Raleigh didn't want a relationship. Hell, she didn't want a relationship. But if he wasn't in a hurry to bail out of her quarters, she wasn't going to kick him out. Their partners were still in sickbay. She could have him for a day. It certainly wasn't like any fling she'd had with anyone else. Then again, maybe she shouldn't have expected it to be.
They were both Rangers, after all.
They debated the merits of Gipsy and Chrome's hull armor and had a Scrabble death match. They smuggled sandwiches from the mess hall during off hours so they wouldn't have to deal with the rest of the Corp's ribbing. Lissa broke out her special Canadian Club stash, and they played a drinking game they found on the Internet to four episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She regaled Raleigh with stories from her two years as a support chopper pilot, including the iconic first battle between Brawler Yukon and Karloff.
That his awe was clearly not feigned was one hell of a turn-on. They went two more rounds in her bed after that.
She did feel a little pang at having to have the "this isn't a long-term thing" talk. They skirted around it, but she made sure to get the message across, and he responded in kind. "You'll have your pick of the Hollywood girls," she said cheerfully. Don't worry, I'm not expecting anything.
"If being a chopper pilot wasn't enough to impress the guys, just tell 'em now you're a Jaeger pilot," he replied. "Or don't tell 'em. If they don't already know, they're not paying attention." He smiled, those big, pretty eyes betraying what she thought might have been a little regret of his own. "I don't know when we'll get assigned to the same Dome again."
Ilisapie was careful to be casual about it. "We've got a job to do. That's the way it goes. My door's always open if you visit." She winked at him, and he grinned more easily. "Today was fun."
"It was that."
When they were reunited with Zeke and Yancy, they studiously avoided looking at each other. But Ilisapie couldn't decide whether to laugh or hide when Zeke inevitably worked it out even before they went for their next round in the drift.
"You and – Lissa!" he practically squeaked. "He's five years younger!"
She swatted him. "So? We're adults, and we're Rangers. We can do what we want off the clock."
Okay, she was apprehensive the first time she saw Yancy in the corridor, but while he gave her a look, he didn't say anything. Raleigh slyly informed her, "I just reminded him that the last girl he hooked up with in the Academy was six years older than him."
"Mm, you Beckets like older women?" she couldn't resist saying. She laughed at the way he blushed.
The years after…
They were Rangers. That came first for all of them. Ilisapie wondered if she should envy the pilots who were partnered with a lover instead of a friend or relative… or maybe not. Her link to Zeke felt like it was consuming her at times, and she'd always thought they were pretty contained, whole people. What did it do to the minds of the others?
The media kept obnoxious track of their lives outside the conn-pods. Some went from one-night-stand to one-night-stand. Some were reported as perpetually single. Some even dated for longer stretches. Ilisapie had her doubts of whether she was capable of giving anyone else that much of herself. She wasn't beautiful, but Raleigh was right: now she impressed people, and she had her pick of partners outside the Corps.
Within the Corps, it was always a little different. Raleigh Becket wasn't the only Ranger she had (and she seriously doubted she was the only one he ever had), but there was… an understanding between them all. No one else in the world had that, not even within the Corps. Fellow Rangers didn't expect anything more than sexual pleasure and confidentiality, and she didn't expect anything more than that from them. They fucked, they relaxed, they left each other's rooms for their Jaegers and their partners and went their separate ways with little more than a few innuendos. The crews and support staff nudged and winked and made bets among themselves about who would hook up with whom, but outside Shatterdome walls, they kept their mouths shut.
Rangers gave so much to their Jaegers and their partners. They could keep something for themselves.
~Fin~
Original Character Guide
Tanisha Davis and Caleb Mitchell: Pilots of Yankee Star, America's Mark-2, who teamed up with Gipsy Danger to destroy Yamarashi in October 2017. Tanisha is a black woman from Los Angeles, Caleb is white from small-town Oklahoma.
Fei-Yen Wang and Huan Che: Pilots of Shaolin Rogue, China's Mark-3 who graduated Class 2017-A of the Jaeger Academy with Ilisapie and Zeke. They are in a long-term, clandestine-by-orders relationship, because the Chinese Commanding Officers want the beautiful Fei-Yen to continue serving as the untouchable poster girl for propaganda, or at least by the side of a handsomer man than Huan.
Hien Nguyen: Personnel Coordinator for Whiskey Alpha, a support command chopper for Gipsy Danger. First generation daughter of Vietnamese immigrants, she is estranged from her parents after joining the National Guard to escape their domineering. They take little pride in her service with the PPDC as a support and rescue worker and are outraged when the media shows images of her among the Jaeger crews goofing off.