Author's Note: Firstly, I would like to apologize for the long wait. Secondly, I would like to apologize for what might be interpreted as Syusuke-bashing; this is written entirely from Yuuta's POV, so it's obviously completely biased. Anyway, it's just supposed to be a fun, light-hearted piece to get me back into a writing mood. And as usual, please forgive any and all OCCness, because it's there for comical effect or simply due to authorial ignorance. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own The Prince of Tennis.

Mission Improbable

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"Aniki!" hissed Yuuta for the third time in thrice as many seconds, but failing miserably at catching the older Fuji's fickle attention. Whoever came up with the 'third time's the charm!' thing had obviously never met Aniki.

Despite the situation, which was both horrible and infuriating, and his temper, which was rising steadily like the tension in the locker room before a good tennis match, Yuuta told himself to keep calm and breathe. Obviously, he was being seriously wronged here; hot, tired and hungry with thousands of tiny twigs and general undergrowth digging into his body from all sides and at impossible angles, also half-crouching, half-sprawled on the dirty ground and bending in ways human beings most definitely weren't designed to bend just in order to avoid being further impaled, he was trapped in an utterly bizarre situation – totally against his will and better judgement – by none other than his own flesh and blood. But even so, Yuuta was determined not let any of that adversity get to him. He would be reasonable and go about all this in a level-headed, rational manner, because one of them had to make sure that things didn't get out of hand, and the gods only knew that Aniki sure as hell wasn't going to do it.

"Oi, I'm talking to you!"

"What is it, Yuuta?" The celebrated genius Fuji Syusuke finally spared his brother a quick, disapproving closed-eyed glance over his shoulder. "Is this what they teach you over at that place? Speaking rudely to your elders?"

A few long moments of total silence and a sharp intake of air later, Yuuta remarked with forced calm, "Aniki, this is stealing. It is an offence punishable by law."

In the real world, it wouldn't make any sense for an Average Joe like Yuuta to point out something so painfully obvious to a person who had been referred to as a 'tensai' ever since the tender age of five. It was unfortunate that Aniki should occupy some kind of strange, alternative universe where genius completely cancelled out common sense and somehow negated the differences between conventional right and wrong, and that Yuuta had received a too thorough an upbringing not to stand aside and watch as the family name was dragged through the dirt by accusations of petty theft and criminal records.

All things considered, it was beyond him just how the heck Aniki had managed so well on his own thus far in life.

"I know what stealing is, silly," chided him Fuji lightly, and his smile was as brilliantly vexing as always. "This is definitely not it."

Yuuta bit back the less than flattering retort ready on his tongue, clenched and unclenched his fists, and dispatched a heartfelt prayer to whatever deity might be listening in for strength and a lot more patience. His idiot brother was crouching on the ground right in front of him and well within range, but even idiot brothers were family and Yuuta had been taught from a very early age that it was never acceptable to smack family over the head even if it acted like an idiot. But by Tennis, Aniki sure wasn't making it easy.

"What then...?" asked the younger accusingly, dreading the answer a little. "What exactly do you call all this?"

As he was waiting for his brother to supply him with something – anything – tangible, a very small part of Yuuta was still hoping that Aniki might snap out of his moment of insanity and say something sensible: like, 'Never mind, Yuuta, let's go shopping for that tofu Nee-san sent us out for nearly an hour ago' or even 'Never mind, Yuuta, let's go home'. But the determined look that had drifted into his brother's half-lidded eyes was hardly reassuring.

"Clearly, it's a rescue," said Aniki, finally, while nodding happily to himself.

"...a rescue?" repeated Yuuta, after a moment of dumbstruck silence. "We're rescuing it now?"

"I thought that was obvious."

Good Lord. Earth to Planet Tensai, come in? Anyone?

"Aniki—" Yuuta launched a last-ditch attempt to talk some sense into his brother "—this is not a rescue mission. We are not rescuing anything. Planning to take something that doesn't belong to us is stealing."

"How can you say that?" wailed Aniki, gesturing at something green and distinctly pointy in the not-so far distance. "Just look at it, Yuuta! It's clearly miserable!"

"What about me?" muttered Yuuta under his breath. Aniki was more concerned about some stupid plant than he was about his own brother. How typical.

"The poor thing is so malnourished it's a miracle it's still alive!" continued Fuji passionately. "Don't you understand? It's our duty to save it!"

Yuuta was convinced that nothing good would come out of this. Aniki was starting to sound more and more deranged, and on top of everything else that was going wrong, Yuuta's left shoulder was beginning to cramp up something terrible from being wedged very awkwardly between a particularly thick bit of bush and Yuuta's own body. Though that was nothing compared to the pain, and laps around campus, Mizuki-san was guaranteed to dish out if Yuuta came back to school on Sunday evening in a worse condition than when he had left – and it was a very likely scenario unless he got out of here soon.

"Aniki, this is mad," said Yuuta frankly. "I agreed to go shopping for Kaa-san. I did not sign up to participate in theft."

"For the last time, Yuuta—" replied Aniki, who even had the nerve to wag a finger playfully in his face. "This isn't stealing, it's a rescue!"

Yuuta made his decision right there and then. Family or not, Aniki was a lost case and on his own. "I'm going home. Good luck with your rescue, criminal offence, whatever."

And he had just begun the tedious task of detangling himself from Mother Nature's chokehold when—

"Yuuta."

Well. That certainly stopped him mid-motion. Aniki's voice had suddenly acquired a silky, dangerous edge to it, and Yuuta's self-preservation instincts triggered a massive adrenaline overload as every fibre in his body was preparing to flee the field as quickly as it could. But for some reason, not at all related to the fact that he was still stuck under a bush, Yuuta didn't. He couldn't.

Instead he asked, reluctantly, "...what?"

"I'm not sure you'd want to leave right now."

Yuuta eyed the back of his brother's skull with much suspicion and growing apprehension as he demanded, "Why?"

"No reason," sang Aniki cheerfully, exactly in the way he usually did when he was up to something big and terribly underhanded. "No reason at all."

The youngest Fuji suddenly felt both tired and afraid, but mostly afraid. "What are you talking about?"

"Maybe I was just thinking about Nee-san, and what would happen if she ever found out why Matsumoto-san never returned her calls." Fuji paused dramatically. "Nee-san doesn't date a lot, but I think she really liked that one."

Yuuta shuddered at the memory. Matsumoto Daisuke-san, 24 years old, trainee doctor at one of the biggest hospitals in Tokyo, pretentious jerk and total sleazebag, and a straight, satisfying backhand to the back of the head. The guy had been a conceited idiot who never saw it coming, but smart enough to give heed to the warning and stop courting their sister, whom he clearly wouldn't ever deserve. Nee-chan had seemed quite taken with him, though, and hadn't dated anyone since—

Oh shit.

"A-Aniki!" exclaimed Yuuta, deeply horrified. "You wouldn't!"

"Of course not," replied Fuji insincerely with a smile. "But things happen, mistakes are made. Nobody's perfect, you know."

Except for his brother's knack for blackmail and extortion, thought Yuuta bitterly, before rallying the troops one last time. He was fighting a losing battle, but his pride wouldn't let him wave the white flag just yet. "You didn't like him either, you said so yourself! If—"

"Matsumoto-san deserved what he got. But I didn't do anything that time." Aniki's smile was gleeful. "That was all you, Yuuta."

"It could easily have been an accident!" protested Yuuta indignantly. But when he noticed that this wasn't working, he tried a different approach, "You should be thankful I was there to stop him!"

He had intercepted Matsumoto-san's truly pitiful attempt at wooing Nee-chan by taking her out for dinner and a movie on one of his infrequent weekend visits home. A rare lucky break, he supposed; and in the end, it had worked out rather well for everyone concerned (except for Matsumoto-san, of course, though Yuuta hadn't hit nearly hard enough to make any lasting damage).

"But how the heck do you even know about this? You weren't even home when Matsumoto-san came over!"

Fuji turned around, and regarded his furious little brother calmly and condescendingly through fully opened eyes. "I thought you knew by now. I know everything."

Yuuta opened and closed his mouth a few times but no words came out.

"Never mind my methods," continued Fuji. "There's so much more at stake here. We wouldn't want for Nee-san to get angry, would we?"

Yuuta gulped. "...it's a rescue, huh," he muttered, utterly defeated. "Right. What can I do to help?"

Fuji, who had closed his eyes, smiled serenely. "I knew you'd see sense eventually."

End note: Green and pointy, it could only be one thing.