Well, another one of my anti-bad fanfic stories. This one's staring the characters that are always written as psychotic killers, rapists, whatever; besides Richard White, of course, since he actually was a rapist- though his obsession with Olivia in most bad fanfics is more than a little tiresome. Also including combos of many bad nicknames for Olivia, like Livvie and Livvie-bear and and Wivy-poo. The characters most commonly hated for no good reason except 'they stand between Elliot and Olivia'… it's about time someone was nice to them.
Brian Cassidy dived into an alley, gasping for breath, utterly confused. Why was his old colleague Elliot Stabler chasing him? It didn't make any sense. Elliot had just yelled something about Olivia being 'rapped', whatever that meant, accused him of doing it, and chased after him.
Shaking his head and still breathing hard, Brian looked around the alley to see if there was anything here that had the potential to help him out. Instead, he saw a small group of what looked like homeless people, all watching nervously and gripping weapons defensively.
"You're not here to kill or arrest us, are you?" one of the them, a blonde woman, asked.
Brian shook his head and hesitantly walked closer. "No, why?"
They all sighed with relief. The only other woman, a dirty blonde a couple years older than the first oven to speak, said, "Good. Sorry, we all share the unfortunate fate of being the subjects of misguided hate and bad characterizations. You see, an old partner of mine, Elliot Stabler, suddenly became obsessed with his partner, Olivia-"
"Benson?" Brian exclaimed. "I'm having the same problem! Elliot's chasing me around, accusing me of being a 'rappist' and hurting his 'livvie bear'- is that supposed to be Olivia? She would kill anybody over six who dared to call her that."
"Well, I guess we can trust you," the only man in the trio said. He stood up and gestured for Brian to come join them. "I'm Dean Porter."
"Brian Cassidy." Brian walked over and gestured at the younger blonde. "And you… it's been a while, but aren't you Elliot's wife? Kathy?"
She nodded. "Yeah, that's me."
"And you were before my time, Brian," the other woman said, standing up as well. "I'm Dani Beck. When Olivia went to go play with eco-terrorists and tree-hugging hippies out in Oregon, I was the new detective assigned to SVU. Elliot was my partner. We kissed once, while Elliot and Kathy were separated. I left the squad for the same reason you did- the cases, especially the children… well, not many people can handle it."
"I was Olivia's case agent when she went out to Oregon; she was undercover with the feds. We had some chemistry, but nothing ever happened, and I never even met Elliot. So, why does Elliot think you're after Olivia?" Dean asked, crossing his arms and looking around worriedly for any signs of the enraged detective.
"Well, when I was still working here, Olivia and I slept together- once! She didn't want more, I did, but I let it go. I'm actually married now; have been for three years. I never interacted with Elliot much, but I never thought he was a jealous, homicidal maniac. Well, Kathy? What about you? Why's Elliot hunting you?"
Kathy sighed. "I'm the most pursued out of us all. Elliot thinks that I assault Olivia and our kids all the time. When I said that it was fine if he was friends with her and spent time with her, but that I DID want him to also spend time with his family, he started screaming that Olivia wasn't a whore and that he was in love with her- that I was a complete, jealous bitch and was so mean for divorcing him, but that he would take custody of the kids and never let me see them again. I mean, enlighten me here- if my husband was cheating on me for months with a woman who knew he was married, then I think I'm entitled to kick his ass! But no, all of a sudden, I'M the bad guy for standing in the way of 'true love'."
"But all he and Olivia ever do is have sex! Elliot occasionally makes her cry, does something cheesy to make her feel better, then more sex. News flash, boys and girls, that's not true love. That's what's called 'friends with benefits', or, less elegantly, a fuck buddy. And I like Olivia, honestly. She seems nice. I don't have anything against her and I'm not obsessed with Elliot," Dani pitched in. "What about you men? Dean? Brian? You obsessed with Olivia?"
They both shook their head vehemently, the entire group hiding when they heard Elliot rampaging around close to the alley.
"So, what are we going to do?" Kathy asked when Elliot had gone away again. "We can't stay in this alley forever. We've got to find a way to convince Elliot that none of us 'rapped' Olivia and that we're not obsessed with either one of them."
"Well, how about we talk to Olivia? That's what Elliot's so mad about. We can just go talk to her; see if it Elliot's taking some new allergy medication or something that made him lose his mind."
When everybody nodded in agreement, Brian gestured for them to follow and said, "Come on. Let's head down to the 1-6. Best place to start as any."
When four of the most wanted in New York City walked into the SVU squad room, they saw Cragen arguing with Olivia. "Olivia, you need to go home and rest. You were rapped and you need to recover some more."
"But, Daddy!" Olivia cried. "I have to keep working; catching over rappists makes me feel better! I don't want to go home! Being with Elliot at work makes me feel all warm inside because he loves me!"
Cragen sighed and gave up. "Fine, Livvie. You can stay at work but you're on desk duty."
"Daddy!" she whined, and one look at her chocolate orbs that were quickly filling with tears was enough to sway him.
"Oh, all right," he said fondly. "Just this once, little Livvie poo. You don't have to be on desk duty, but you can only go out in the field if Elliot is with you, because he wuvs you and he'll protect you." He ruffled Olivia's hair like she was a cute puppy before turning to walk back into his office.
"Thanks, Daddy- OMG!" Olivia screamed when she saw Dani, Kathy, Brian, and Dean stander in the entrance to the squad room. "HELP!" She started flailing her arms and running around the room screaming and crying. 'THEY ALL HATE ME FOR NO GOOD REASON AND WANT TO KILL AND RAPE ME! HELP ME, ELLIOT!"
Cragen, Munch, and Fin all pulled at their guns and started shouting at the four to put their hands in the air, Olivia hiding behind Cragen now and sobbing.
"Wait, stop!" Kathy cried, reaching out her hand.
"NOOOOO! SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE LIVVIE HOSTAGE!" Fin screamed, and everybody started shouting again.
Elliot appeared out of nowhere and started bawling. "No, don't hurt Livvie! I wuv her!" he sobbed, running over to stand protectively in front of Olivia and pointed his gun at the four as well.
Casey, Alex, and George, who were all standing in the corner and shaking their heads sadly, just sighed. Casey muttered, "This is nauseating." The others nodded in agreement and Elliot said his next line, Alex started vomiting into a trash can:
"I know that's the first time I've ever said that to you, Livvie-livvie, but I do love you! I wanna marry you and have thousands of kids and I'll wuv you forever and ever and ever! Will you marry me, Livvie-bear-livvie?"
Olivia started crying hysterically and nodded. Elliot puffed out his chest proudly and exclaimed, "I'll save you, Livvie!" He ran forward and tried to tackle Kathy to the floor, but Dean stopped him.
"Wait! We're all just trying to find out why you all hate us so much!" Dean shouted. "None of us are after Olivia. We don't know what 'being rapped' means and we don't know why you think we're all trying to hurt you, but-"
"You rapped Livvie!" Elliot screamed. "You rapped her! WAAAAAAAH!"
"All right, you know what?" Kathy exclaimed. "All of you are idiots! Dean, you're handsome. What do you say to us getting married, taking the kids I had with this lump of coal, and moving out of state? Dani can join us! Brian, you can bring your wife and we can live somewhere else in peace forever!"
"Sounds good to me," Dean said and they were just about to leave when another voice cried out.
"Wait! Stop! Take us with you!"
They turned around to see Casey, Alex, and George hurrying over to them. Casey exclaimed, "We hate them too! Their relationship is disgusting and they hate everybody who dares to say so! Dani, you pissed me off a little but that's no reason to hate you! Dean… well, I never met you, but you are cute and you don't seem like too much of a jack ass. Kathy, I honestly like you and don't see why so many people think you're a psychotic killer."
"And since Casey never knew you, Brian, I'll jump in here and say that you were very nice and Olivia would be better off than you than that wuss who desperately needs some anger management medication," Alex added on. "So we want to come with you. Get jobs out of state and never have to see those two again."
Brian shrugged. "Sounds good to me. Come on!"
By the way, folks, I'm toying with an idea of writing a crack fic but making it appear like a serious fic; kind of like 'Iron Heart' and, in my opinion, Romeo and Juliet. EO, of course, but I'd like some ideas as to make it appear more realistic and less like a troll (I'll be writing it under a new account, of course). I really want to get some good reviews so I can spend my night laughing at them. So, any ideas to write a good 'bad fic'?