Chapter 6
Adam couldn't believe he was still up. It was after ten and it had been a long, long day. He knew he needed to get his sleep. In seven hours he would need to be up tending to the duties of the ranch. He should have been in bed long ago.
He couldn't lay down and rest, though, without talking with Brian. He only hoped Brian would return home tonight. It would not be out of character for him to show up at dawn, just in time to go to work.
Adam was feeling a little guilty about the things he had said to his brother before he went out that evening. He had spoken in anger. He prayed Brian was safe, where ever he was now.
Adam heard the familiar sound of the truck as it pulled up to the front gate. He waited nervously for Brian to come inside. He prayed he hadn't been drinking.
"Adam, you're up." Brian said, surprised.
"Couldn't sleep. Could we talk Brian?" Adam asked, rising from the couch to face his brother.
"Yeah, that's actually why I'm here. I want to talk to you and I need to check on Dan'l." Brian offered.
"I think he's asleep. He was earlier." Adam said.
"Look, I went and squared things with Rodney," Brian began.
"What? What do you mean? I told you not to go over there!" Adam said, trying not to raise his voice, but failing miserably.
"It's all good, Adam. We didn't fight. We talked it out." Brian explained. "In fact, he and the others are gonna help us with the hospital bill...and they're gonna take turns givin' us a hand around here while the boys are healin' up."
"Really? That's pretty big of 'em, I suppose." Adam said, studying Brian's face.
"Well see, that's what happens when you keep the sheriff out of things." Brian retorted.
"Now look here Bri -" Adam started.
"No...Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't wanna argue about that any more. It's working itself out anyways. I only meant that having their help will be better for us than throwin' them in jail." Brian said.
"Yeah, ok. So what did you want to talk about?" Adam asked.
"Us...me, I dunno where to start, Adam. I'm just not sure what I'm good for anymore." Brian said, dropping his head to stare at the floor.
"What do you mean, what you're good for?" Adam asked, completely confused.
"Adam, I just...You and Hannah have this place under control. Since you got married, the boys have a mom and a dad now. You don't need my help with them anymore. The boys look to you guys for help now...not me." Brian explained.
"What? I don't understand, Bri. You and me, we're they're big brothers. I know they tease me with the Dad thing, but they look up to you as much as they do me...and Hannah, she's great with them, but she's not trying to take your place." Adam said, concern etched on his face now.
"I know she's not trying to...but she's managed to do it. Come on, in their eyes I'm just a screw up now." Brian said.
"Well, that's because of your actions. I've been trying to tell you they're watchin' you. It's not my fault, or Hannah's either. You've been screwing up all by yourself." Adam began.
"Tell him the truth Brian." Adam turned to look up at the staircase to where the voice that interrupted him came from. It was Daniel. He was standing at the halfway point of the stairs, holding his ribs.
"You shouldn't be on those stairs Daniel. You could fall and do more damage to yourself." Adam admonished their younger brother.
"Tell him Brian. Tell him how you really feel!" Daniel said sternly, staring at Brian, not even acknowledging Adam's words.
"Stay out of it Dan'l." Brian warned, his voice was soft but stern. He didn't want to speak harshly to the brother he'd hurt so badly.
"What's he talkin' about?" Adam asked, turning his back again to Daniel and staring at Brian.
"Nothin'. He doesn't know anything about this. He's on painkillers." Brian tried to explain it away. He was too ashamed to say what he now knew Daniel was getting at.
"He doesn't feel appreciated, Adam." Daniel stated, continuing to ease down the steps.
"Shut up Dan'l." Brian warned.
"You get all the credit for raising us. Everybody's forgotten about what Brian gave up to take care of us. Everybody's giving you and Hannah all the credit for raising us and how we are turning out. It hurts Brian." Daniel explained.
"I'm telling you Dan'l...stay outta this!" Brian said, sharply this time.
"No, dammit I'm in it." Daniel replied. "Adam, the last thing I ever wanna do is cause you two to fight. It's true, though. I hear it all the time. Everybody's always commenting on how good us boys are turning out and what a fine job you and Hannah are doing raising us. It's not fair. Brian's been there too." Daniel said, then continued to talk to Brian. "Bri - I know I tease Adam by calling him Dad. I don't do it because I think more of him as a dad than I do you. I just do it 'cause it gets under his skin. You're every bit as responsible for how I've turned out. You raised us too, and we do appreciate it. Not just me...all of us. I've been trying to tell you that. It's just...You're usually three sheets to the wind when I say it."
Adam just stood there. He didn't know what to say or do. He looked at Daniel and studied him for a minute, then moved his gaze back to Brian.
"Brian, I'm not sure what to say...I...didn't realize" Adam started to say.
"Adam don't. Don't say you're sorry when it's not your fault. You ain't done anything to me." Brian said, tears now building in his eyes.
"Daniel, go back to bed and get some rest, Brian and I are gonna talk." Adam said as he turned back to face Daniel. "And kid - thanks." Adam continued.
"I love you guys." Daniel said, turning gingerly to go back up the stairs.
As Adam watched Daniel make his way back up the staircase, Brian collapsed in the chair. He felt so ashamed of himself. He never wanted Adam or Hannah to know how he felt. He knew it was stupid and self serving of him. He would have never uttered those words to anyone...at least not sober...evidently he had done some talking to Daniel when he was drunk, though.
"Brian. I never thought too hard about any of this, but, I guess it's true. You haven't been getting much acknowledgement for all that you've done. Especially since I got married. I just... I had no idea it bothered you." Adam stammered.
"It shouldn't. I don't know why it does. It's just...it's just that before Hannah, you and me were a team, ya know? I had you're back and you had mine. It was Adam and Brian against the world. We had a ranch to save and boys to raise...and we did a pretty good job...but now, you have a wife. The boys have someone to fill the role of mom and dad...and you guys are good at it...I just, I don't have a place anymore." Brian said, a tear escaping his lashes and running down his left cheek.
"You do have a place Bri! Right here beside me. I couldn't run this ranch without you. How can you not know that? You're a better rancher than me. Heck, you're better with the boys than me. I lose my temper with them all the time. If you hadn't been there all those years to calm me down, I'd probably be in jail for child abuse!" Adam insisted.
"You're not that bad Adam...and maybe you did need me back then, but not now. Now, you have Hannah to do that. That's ok too, there's nothing wrong with that." Brian explained.
"You'll find you're Hannah one day too Brian. It just...you're not that likely to find her in a bar...I mean, maybe you will, who knows...but you gotta slow down on the drinkin'. You may not recognize her when you do meet her if you're drunk. Drinkin's not gonna help you. It may make you feel better in the short term, but in the long term, these feelings are gonna keep coming back." Adam said.
"Look, Adam. This is my problem, not yours or anybody else's. I just...I just miss our talks...I miss the closeness we had...I miss us. I don't know, maybe Miss Right will come along and take your place...but right now, it just hurts. I can't seem to stop feeling like this, no matter what I do." Brian said, breaking down completely now. Something that Adam knew was completely uncharacteristic of him.
Adam thought long and hard about what to say next. He was beginning to understand things. Their relationship had changed. All the fears and frustrations that plagued Adam was still there...the difference was, now he shared those things with Hannah, not Brian. It never occured to Adam that Brian would take this to heart. He thought he was doing him a favor. Adam always felt a little guilty for putting his worries and fears onto Brian's shoulders. After all, he was his little brother too. He felt that he was supposed to protect him as he did the others. So when Hannah came along, he stopped taking all his problems to Brian. He could see now, it had been a mistake. He had in many ways, broken a long standing partnership.
"Brian, I never meant to make you feel this way. We'll always be close. We shared something very unique. Not many people on this earth have had the same experience that we've had. It's true that I have been confiding in Hannah, but not because I see her more as a parent to the boys than I see you. It's just what a man does when he finds his soulmate. I still need you every bit as much as I did before...so do the boys. I thought I was looking out for you when I stopped coming to you with all my problems. I thought I was kinda giving you a break." Adam explained, reaching out and putting his hands on Brian's shoulders.
Brian began to break down even more now. Adam pulled him into a fierce hug as he whispered in his younger brother's ear. "It's ok. Brian I love you and I couldn't have raised them without you. I'll say it a million times if you need to hear it. I'd never have gotten through it all if you weren't standing beside me. You gotta know that."
Brian pulled back from Adam's grasped, wiping his eyes and looking sheepish as he did so. "I can't help but feel stupid. I was too ashamed to tell you how I felt, because it's just...stupid."
"No, it's not...It's human." Adam explained, patting the back of Brian's neck.
"I guess it doesn't hurt to hear that I'm needed from time to time, even though it's pretty stupid of me." Brian admitted, looking at the floor.
"Human - not stupid." Adam repeated and he reached out and put his hand on Brian's chin, forcing him to look at him again. "Thank you Brian. Thank you for everything you've done for this family. Thank you for helping me raise the boys, thank you for always having my back and thank you for always being here when I need you...and I'm here when you need me, too. All you gotta do is say the word. I'd give up my own life for you, brother. I hope you know that." Adam said.
"I know. I would do the same, you know that." Brian replied.
"I do know it. Let's go check on Daniel, huh?" Adam said, reaching his arm around Brian's neck and leading him towards the stairs.
"Yeah, l wanna make sure big mouth got back in the bed ok." Brian replied, wrapping his own arm around his big brother.
"I'm pretty sure he did or else we'd hear him whining by now. He's always been the biggest baby when he's sick or hurt." Adam said laughing.
"Don't I know it. I guess I gotta give him a pass this time, though. Dammit, I hate when they've got somethin' to hang over my head like this." Brian replied.
"Oh, and you can count on Daniel to milk it for all that it's worth, too!" Adam replied, still laughing.
Adam felt sure that in that moment, Brian was ok with him again. He felt sure that the drinking would slow down now that he'd gotten everything off his chest. He intended to do everything in his power to reassure Brian every day how much he needed him...how much they all needed him. Now he just hoped that Evan and Brian could make up, though, he wasn't too sure yet on how they were going to accomplish that little feat.
Brian opened the door to Crane's and Daniel's bedroom. Crane was fast asleep, but Daniel was sitting on the side of the bed. Brian could tell he was hurting, because he was holding himself very stiff. He and Adam entered the room quietly, without turning on the light, the small lamp allowing them enough light in the room to see their kid brother.
"Need some help laying back down?" Brian asked, walking over to stand next to Daniel.
"Yeah. I'm a little sore." Daniel replied, wincing a little when Brian reached out to lightly grasp his upper arm - the good arm.
"Here, put your arm around my neck and let me ease you down on the bed." Brian said. Daniel complied and he managed to lay him back on his pillow, Adam grabbing his legs and swinging them over onto the bed.
"Thanks Mom, Thanks Dad." Daniel said with an evil grin.
Adam laughed and replied, "You're welcome. But, you're gettin' a little too old for us to have to tuck you in, dontcha think?"
"That may well be...but I may need y'all to do it for a few more days, at least." Daniel replied, laughing.
"Sure thing, kid." Adam replied.
Brian had remained silent. Adam was pretty sure that his brother wanted some one on one time with Daniel. He had said as much when he first got home. Not knowing exactly what was going on between them, Adam excused himself and left to go to his own room.
"Hey kid. I can't go to sleep without saying I'm sorry to you." Brian began.
"I know Brian. You've been saying it all day." Daniel answered quickly, throwing his hand up as if to protest the words.
"No, not about the fight Dan'l...About everything I've put you through this last month. I probably don't remember all of it, but I remember enough to know that I owe you a huge apology. I was a real jerk. I shouldn't have made fun of you at Pony's. I didn't mean any of what I said." Brian said.
Daniel saw tears welling up in his big brothers' eyes, mirroring his own. He couldn't remember ever seeing Brian cry...maybe when somebody was sick or hurt...but never with an apology. At the moment Daniel couldn't remember ever hearing Brian apologize for much of anything before today...to him or anybody else for that matter.
"Hey, it's fine. We're good Brian. I'm just sorry I ratted on you to Adam...I hope you're not mad. You needed to tell him how you felt. It's...it's the reason...the reason you've been drinkin'...aint it?" Daniel stammered, hoping he wasn't about to piss off his big brother.
"Yeah, I guess it is...and you don't have to apologize. Me and Adam are good now...and it's mostly thanks to you." Brian replied, mussing Daniel's hair. "I owe ya one, partner."
"Woah, don't I know it. I've been making a list of all the things I need you to do for me this week. I'll give it to ya tomorrow, though. I'm not quite finished with it. I've still got a few things I need to add." Daniel remarked , his eyes lighting up with mischief as he flashed Brian a huge smile.
Brian had to laugh. Daniel was as quick-witted as he was and anytime he flashed that big smile, Brian couldn't help himself. He was powerless to do anything but laugh at the kid.
"Oh, ok I see how it's gonna be. Ok, I'll drop by in the morning and pick it up from you, then." Brian said scratching his head as hoisted himself up off Daniel's bed and turned to leave.
"See ya in the morning, big brother." Daniel called after Brian.
"Yeah, bright and early." Brian retorted.
"Not too early. I'm hurt and I need my rest!" Daniel warned.
"We'll see, won't we?" Brian said looking over his shoulder with a devlish grin.
to be continued...
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