There was still silence between them.
But now it was heavier, there was more tension, more guilt and on top of all the emotions swirling between them there was shame, disgust and self-loathing added to them now.
None of the latter emotions came from Mayuri; these came from her mate, these came from Sesshomaru.
He was silent before but now he was even more silent, even more trapped in his head. Going over and over again the actions that took place, feeling sick to his stomach about what he had done. About how he had gotten so close and so intimate with a woman who wasn't his Mayuri, wasn't his mate and the mother of his seven children. Seven little people that if she ever found out would be lost to him forever; children he would never see or hear from again as long as she had a say in the matter.
He knew the temper she had. The amount of spite she held in that petite frame of hers. She could be vicious and vengeful when she wanted to. Really wanted to and had good reason.
And this; what he had done, his actions, were reason enough. Certainly and undoubtedly.
She could never find out. Ever. If she did that would be the end of him, the end of them, the end of what he had spent ten years of his life building, supporting, protecting, loving and cherishing. The one thing he had done in all his life that he could say was actually worth something; worth more than the power he had sought, worth more than Tesusaiga, the sword he had spent, wasted, so much of his life and time searching for and trying to obtain His life would be ruined. Ultimately in shambles. He had no idea how he would deal, how he would survive if that ever happened; if he lost his mate and his family and his life, his very reasons for living and trying so hard to restore peace to his lands.
Everything he did and was doing now would be for nothing. All the time he'd spent, energy and effort he had put into all of this would lose all meaning. And it would all be his own fault.
How could he have screwed up like this? How could he have done such a thing to his mate, to his children, to himself?
Sesshomaru was not a man to show any sort of emotion. That was not his way. But now, in this his lowest point in his life he did not have the energy or will to keep his stoic mask in place. Plus, he was alone was he not? No one would see.
Using both his hands he ran his fingers through his hair, leaving them stuck there at the nape of his neck and leaning over and planting his forehead on his desk as his expression shifted from relaxed and calm to that of a man who felt extreme guilt.
Sesshomaru was not a man who regretted anything he did or said. That was not his way. But now, as a man who had found love and held onto it with an iron fist and an intensity that would strike fear into the hearts of anyone, as a man who had made a promise to himself that he would never become like the man who had broken his mother' heart, would never do to his own mate what this man had done to his own…regret was one of those new emotions he was now discovering and becoming tremendously familiar with.
He had betrayed himself not only Mayuri, not only his children. He had done what he set out not to do. He had become what he never wanted to be. Now he was left to wallow in an ocean of self-loathing and shame – something he never thought he would feel or experience.
He was Sesshomaru for pity's sake! He was not a weak man! He was not one to be emotional! He was one not to keep his word! He was not a man who would bend so easily to his impulses! He was not an adulterous whore!
He was stronger than this. He was better than this. This was not who he was. This was not something he would do. Ever! And yet he had. And yet he had defiled himself and his relationship in an irrevocable way.
Over time, he hoped he would be able to get over this. Maybe not forget what he had done, but forgive himself at least and move on. He knew if he continued to carry this around on his shoulders that he and Mayuri would never get out of their funk. He knew that she would notice and ask and he didn't know if he could lie to her, directly, about something like this. Not telling her wasn't easy but it wasn't quite so hard, but having to look her in her eyes – those beautiful green eyes – and actually say something to her that was absolutely false was just something he was not sure he was capable of.
He lifted his forehead from his desk and removed his fingers from his hair. He closed his eyes, cleared his mind and just breathed. Taking a moment to collect himself. After a few much needed minutes, he returned his face to its normal relaxed expression.
oOo
She pulled the covers up to his chin and kissed his forehead before stroking his hair. She smiled down at the miniature version of her mate; the spitting image of Sesshomaru, except for the freckles on his nose and shoulders. She rose from her position on the bed and walked over to the other side where his twin sister lay. She too was the spitting image of Sesshomaru, except she had not freckles. She too received a kiss on the forehead.
"I love you my darlings." She whispered.
They were so adorable when they slept.
She moved from the bed and left the bedroom, sliding the door closed slowly and gently, barely making a sound. As she walked to her bedroom, the one she shared with Sesshomaru –who was already there – she thought about the current state of their relationship.
They still were not talking and she honestly did not like the silence between them. She missed her mate; now it was like he wasn't there at all and he might as well be, considering. It wasn't like she didn't want to talk to him, she did. It was just that she was much too stubborn to make the first move and be the one to initiate conversation – power struggle and all. They were always like that.
She was at her bedroom door and she knew that he knew she was standing out there. She placed her hand on the door and took a deep breath before sliding it open.
He sat on their bed, staring right at her as she walked through the door. The look in his eyes, though his face was completely relaxed like always, made her stop for a moment. He looked so sad. She guessed the silence between them was hurting him as much as it was hurting her. How could she not talk to that face?
She turned around and slid the door closed and in the few seconds it took she formulated in her head what she would say to Sesshomaru for the first time in a long time.
Mayuri never got to say those words.
The second she turned around she was swooped up in Sesshomaru's and pulled tightly against his body, lifting her almost off the ground so that she was on the very tip of her toes. The action, the suddenness of it, made her gasp. One of his arms was around her waist, holding onto her so tightly that even with her own strength – almost right on par with his – if she tried to escape she most certainly could not. The other arm wrapped around her back and snaked its way up until his hand was on the back of her head and his fingers were tangled in her jet black hair. He was holding possessively and almost desperately and as she looked into his amber eyes from this much closer distance, that sadness was even more evident.
Her palm came to rest on his neck as her thumb stroked his magenta striped cheek.
"Sesshomaru?" She said, almost worried.
He didn't say a word.
Sesshomaru simply tilted her head back slightly and she closed her eyes as he placed a chaste kiss on her lips. No tongue or passion or anything like that. Just a simple peck.
He pulled away from her, but only so much that there was barely any space between their lips and between their faces. She opened her eyes and saw him looking into them. Closing his eyes and rubbed the tip of his nose against her own and she followed suit. He moved from her nose to her cheeks, her eyes, her forehead, her chin and her lips (she kissed his nose then).
Then he was back where he started; eyes open, staring at her and their faces and lips barely an inch apart.
"I'm sorry." He said.
And before she could even respond he had her legs wrapped around his waist, kissing her wildly and passionately as he walked over to their bed. He didn't even lay her down on her back; all he did was sit in the middle of the bed with Mayuri straddling him as they kissed.
She couldn't think, couldn't breathe with his lips on hers so suddenly. With him touching her and kissing her in a way that she hadn't let him in so long, in a way that she had wanted him to for so very long but couldn't let him. She placed her hands on his chest and as much as she didn't want to, pulled away
"Sesshomaru…you know I can't." She said with a pleading look on her face.
He pushed her now tussled hair away from her face and kissed her forehead, her cheeks, her nose. He was being so affectionate.
"I'm not trying to sleep with you." He said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I just want to kiss you and make you feel better. I want to apologize."
"Oh." It was all she could say.
Not that she felt foolish for automatically thinking he was trying to sleep with her, she just couldn't find anything else to say. She was speechless.
Because she said nothing, he took her face in both his hands and leaned her into him, kissing her slowly and gently this time; taking more care and being more patient. He continued to touch her and caress her and make her body feel like it hadn't in more than six months. Every so often she felt herself leaning towards that one forbidden action, but he never once went so far.