Tonight was the night. They were going to have another dinner between the two of them and Sofia, and she could just feel it in her bones, that tonight was going to be the night. She felt good. She felt like… like she could go after what she wanted. She felt like she wanted Callie and that she was whole enough to have a chance at having her.

But when she knocked on the apartment door, and it swung open to reveal Callie holding Sofia on her hip, that confidence drained slightly, and she gave her wife and daughter a small smile, as the toddler clapped, "Mama here for din!"

Grinning widely at the little girl, she reached out to take her from Callie and then followed her down the hall. After dinner. After dinner she would be ready. Their talk two weeks ago had left her feeling kind of drained. But in the best way possible. Drained, but hopeful.

Arizona found herself in the cafeteria on Saturday earlier than she and Callie's agreed upon one o'clock lunch. She chose a table near the back, and initially sat in one chair, on the side of the table that she would usually sit on for her lunches, in which she had a view of the food cart. Then her nerves got the better of her, and indecision came in, and she switched to sit so she was facing the entrance of the café, so she could look out for when Callie was going to come in.

With her typical lunch of a salad in front of her, she couldn't do more than pick at it as nerves tangled inside of her. Instead, her hands remained folded in her lap and she waited… after the five minute late mark, she was starting to wonder whether or not Callie had just decided that she wasn't ready for this. It had been nearly three months since that night.

That fight.

Her fingers were clenched tightly together, because this just wasn't who she was. The old Arizona was never afraid to have a simple discussion. The old Arizona used to look at situations like this and just… bite the bullet. Do what needed to be done and say what needed to be said and deal with the aftermath.

And now, here she was. Her stomach knotted up so tightly she wasn't entirely positive that she wasn't going to vomit. She'd said so many things, felt so many things, and they had unraveled in the worst sort of way that night; unraveled them. And completely unraveled her.

She'd been unraveled, laid out bare, and after taking the last few months to relearn herself, here she was.

Here they were, she though, and straightened in her seat as Callie walked in. She lifted her hand in a tentative wave, even though she knew Callie could clearly see her, before letting it fall back to her lap. Her wife nodded at her and moved to buy her own lunch before making her way over, she put down her food as she stood, lightly picking at the bottom of her shirt, "I – sorry I'm late. Surgery ran a little long."

She shook her head, and managed a small smile, "It's no problem."

As if her words allowed it, Callie pulled out the chair and sat down, her hands coming up to wrap around the base of the water bottle as silence stole over them. How could they bring up what they had to talk about? Of course there was so much to say, but how was she supposed to start it off? So, that night that I cheated on you and then you found out about it…

Even as words swirled in her head, anxious to end this awkwardness they were stuck in, her gaze moved from where it was fixated on her salad bowl, upwards as Callie lifted her hand to wave. Following the direction of her wave, her eyes landed on Alicia, who was giving Callie a bright smile.

Sucking in a deep breath, she looked at Callie's face, which wasn't in as bright a smile as Alicia's was, but what Arizona wanted to believe was one that was clearly telling this woman that her wave wasn't wanted at this time. Though it might have just been extreme wishful thinking on her part.

Clearing her throat, she started to peel at the label on her water, "So… how is that going? You and… Alicia?" God it was painful to even ask.

Callie bit her lip before shaking her head lightly, "It – I can't talk to you about dating someone else. It's just too strange. I can't."

"Okay, good," the words flew out of her mouth before she could control them, and they made eye contact. She couldn't read those eyes, and she desperately wanted to know what Callie was thinking.

Those brown eyes had never kept secrets from her; they'd never been able to. Even in the beginning, that first night in that dirty bar bathroom…

Her mouth was moving and words were coming out, explaining an explanation for why she'd been able to find out so much more about the Latina than she knew about her, but really, that wasn't what she was focusing on. As soon as she'd stepped in close enough, all she could see were how wide those dark eyes had opened, and how much they could express without Callie saying a word.

There was sadness and a loneliness that Arizona could feel in her own soul. There was a whole world living right inside those eyes, waiting for someone to come along and explore it. She'd always heard the expression that eyes were the window to the soul, but she'd never actually believed it. She knew women; she appreciated women. She knew and appreciated that there was a beauty that could be reflected in a woman's eyes. But she always laughed or choked back a laugh whenever she heard corny expressions like "I could just tell by looking in her eyes."

Because as she leaned into Callie, keeping their eyes locked, she could just tell by looking in her eyes. She could just tell that she was nervous, that she was surprised, and that there was an excitement in them that hadn't been there before as she got to just a breaths length away.

She didn't know what possibilities lay before her and Calliope Torres, but she knew that she loved those eyes already.

But now they sat across from each other and those eyes were different now. They didn't whisper to her all of the secrets she wanted to know from inside her wife's emotions. They kept guard. And they were still the most telling feature she had.

"I just –"

"That night –"

They started at the same time, then both stopped and stared at each other for a second before cracking small smiles. Tapping her hands on her lap, she inclined her head, "You go first."

Callie nodded and took a deep breath, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm really proud of you. For – you said on the phone that you're in therapy. I think that's really great."

"It – it was hard to go in the beginning," she admitted, lifting her hand to tuck her hair behind her ear, "But it's been really great. I, um, I've been to a support group a few times, too," she said, and as the words came out, some of her nerves started to loosen a bit.

Because she was doing so much better now. And seeing Callie's eyes widen in surprise made her feel unbelievably good, "That's – that's amazing. That's really great for you. I'm, um, I'm glad you're getting the help that you need."

Her words reminded Arizona of the focus that their conversation needed to take, and the smile that had starting to form on her face faded, "Yeah… I really needed it," with a deep breath, she saw this as a good of a time as any to just dive in, "Especially after you left. I – looking around at how everything ended up and how it got to where it was, I just... I couldn't handle it," she finished, her voice hoarse, and because she needed to do something, anything, she unscrewed her water bottle and took a long sip.

Callie's voice was even lower than hers when she licked her lips before saying, "That was the worst night of my life." Her fingertips tapped against the table lightly before pulling in against her hand, forming a loose fist, "Not only because of you and…" she took in a deep breath and then slowly let it out, "But because of what you said to me."

Closing her eyes tightly, she nodded, "I know." She'd spend months thinking about them and wondering how in the world she'd let those things come out of her mouth, no matter what she was feeling inside. "I'm sorry," she stressed the word and she needed to know that Callie knew how much she meant it. And she was going to leave it at that, but then she reminded herself that this was supposed to be a talk where they laid everything out on the table. Despite her mind telling her not to say anything more, she forced out the words, "I apologize for the way I said those things, Callie, and for how it happened. I… I am so, so sorry. But I did mean some of them. We both experienced the crash, and it wasn't right for me to say that you didn't go through anything, but," she licked her lips and tried to find a way to say the words, "what bothered me was that you weren't there. It wasn't something we could relate to on the same level, so there was a piece of me that got so upset when you would put yourself there."

She closed her eyes and waited for the aftermath. But it didn't come the way she expected, the way she knew Callie usually reacted. Instead, her wife's words were low and measured, "Arizona, you made me go to those meetings for you. I kept telling you that you should go, and you sent me in your place. I was going to go for Mark and with you but… when I stood there for both of you, I felt like I was a part of it all."

She remembered those fights. When Callie had wanted to go to those settlement meetings… "At that point, I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I didn't care about the legal stuff, Callie; it wasn't going to bring back my leg, no matter what we got out of it. And I know I sent you in my place. I know I was wrong. But that doesn't change the way that I felt."

And then Callie asked, "What I really want – need – to know – how did it get to that point, Arizona? How could you feel so strongly and just pretend to me that you were fine? That we were fine?" her voice rose for just a second, but then dropped back down, as her eyes dropped to the table, and she finished, "How did you let it get to a point where you hated me so much?"

Arizona opened her mouth to speak, and then words didn't come out right away, because she didn't know how to really explain it.

Which led Callie to continue, "I just… I thought… because in the beginning, and you stopped hating me so much, and things seemed so good…" she trailed off, and then looked back up at her, and Arizona expected tears. But there were none. There was just a searching look.

This time when her mouth opened, words came out without her really processing them, "Because it wasn't all bad, Callie. I didn't… I didn't wake up every day feeling like I hated you or resented you or – anything. There were times when things were good, and during those times, I wasn't just playing you or even myself."

Because there were days there she would wake up and life didn't seem bleak or useless or like everything that might happen to her would just piss her off.

"Then what was it?" she asked, her voice low and just genuinely so confused.

"It was…" she rolled her eyes up, needing to find the right way to explain what she'd gone through, for months, "It was like, I told myself after the first few months that I needed to stop blaming you because I knew that if I didn't, it was going to eat up our entire lives and Sofia's life. So, I did little things like… watching TV with you and sitting with you and slowly, I didn't feel like I hated you anymore, but only because I was making myself feel that way. The feelings were still there, but I knew that I had to find some way to stop them. It was like…" stupid Dr. Walker and her analogies, "It was like putting a blanket on over all of the bad things I felt. The blanket keeps everything warm… until that cold spot comes in, you know? And then you can cover that spot up, but then there's another one. And another. Until in the end, you have to pull off the blanket completely and readjust."

Did that make sense? She narrowed her eyes at the ceiling where they were transfixed before moving them back to look at Callie who stared at her for a moment before letting out a shuddering breath and her hands interlocked on the table.

"I think… I get it. I can kind of understand that that was how you felt, but I just can't understand why you felt that way. You're a doctor; you saw your scans and your file. It was either I make the decision to cut off your leg or you would have died. Your leg or your life – it didn't seem like a hard thing to choose," Callie rushed out, her voice hushed, "I don't understand how you don't see that."

"I do! I do, all right?" the words weren't snapped, but more soft, as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she brought her hands up to run over her face, "Logically, medically, as a surgeon, I understand that you had that choice to make."

She thought back to one of the discussions that she'd had with Dr. Walker, in which the therapist had brought up the car accident that she and Callie had gotten into. If Callie's life had been on the line and if it was her leg that was causing the problem, what would she have done? And she knew that she would have made the call to cut it off.

"But – but emotions aren't logical, and you told me you wouldn't cut it off. I was so – so scared," her voice broke, and she cursed herself, "And when I was telling your how scared I was, you promised me you wouldn't let them cut it off."

It was the last piece of her that made her whole, and she'd thought her emotional damage was enough. But then her leg was gone, too, and so was a part of her.

Her eyes met her wife's and she was just pleading with her to make her understand. She didn't know whether or not she really did when Callie just shook her head, "Arizona… I didn't make that promise lightly. And I really didn't think that that was going to be the only choice I had, but when I had Alex in front of me telling me that you were dying that that it was because of the leg –" she cut herself off and took a few seconds to breathe, "When that was happening, I thought I was doing what was best for you, and Sofia, and us. I thought you would have rather lived than died. I thought that after losing Mark that I didn't know how Sofia and I were going to survive losing you, too."

Apparently, I lost you. The words hung between them, glaring in their honesty.

Her quiet words dug right in to Arizona's chest, and she wanted desperately to take her hand, but she knew that she couldn't, "I know that. Callie, I know that. And … it was so hard to accept it." She thought of the sleepless nights she'd had, the tears that had been sobbed, and the anger that took over her life, then closed her eyes and thought of how different she felt now, "It's not an easy thing to take in. But where I am now – I don't want to be dead. And I'm glad I'm here for Sofia because she really does make every bad day brighter. I just. I want you to know that now, I'm not…" fuck, the right words that she was searching for just wouldn't come to her tongue, "I don't hate you. And I don't hold it against you, anymore."

Brown eyes were wide for a moment before they narrowed at her. Not out of anger, but trying to decipher what she was saying, "You don't… I don't want you to say anything just because you feel bad. That's not what this talk is."

"I'm not," she was quick to answer and goddamn, she wanted Callie to just see. "I'm not just saying that. I – therapy has really, really helped me. And after you left, I felt," she bit her lip because it was just so hard for her to be saying this to Callie, when she spent so much of their relationship being the one who was "fine", "I felt empty, when you left. But in a way, I felt free. Free to – to hate you. And to be bitter. And that really hurt. Do you know how much it feels like it's tearing your heart out when you hate the person you love?"

She meant for the words to be asked in her head, and she didn't really think them through until Callie's quiet voice responded, "Yeah. I do."

And those words were aimed right at her. Swallowing hard, she closed her eyes, "I let myself really feel – everything. The blanket was completely gone. And it was terrible for days. Weeks. But, somewhere along the line… when I wasn't waking up with you, or going to bed with you, or really being with you… when I realized that I wasn't obligated to make myself "get over" feeling all those bad feelings, then I was able to move past them." Her fingers tangled together and she looked up, finally looking at Callie, when she asked, "Does that make sense?" And then her eyes widened as she remembered something else, and she rushed to get it out of her mouth before her mind told her not to say anything, "And I never should have said what I said about cutting off your leg, evening the score, because I did not mean that." Her body still made her want to revolt on itself when she remembered how those words had tumbled off of her lips, "No matter what I was feeling, I did not mean that. Please believe me," and she couldn't stop sounding desperate, because that's what she was feeling.

And her wife slowly nodded, "I… do. I do believe you. And I think I understand what you were saying before that. But I guess it really doesn't matter why, as long as it's over. And you were able to move on from it, meaning we can move on from that part."

Even though she told herself not to, she latched on to that "we" and her heart jumped up a notch, running with it, "We can?"

"Yeah. I think so. I mean, we've been getting along for the last few weeks, even though it's kind of weird sometimes," she let out a small laugh and diminished any of the anxiety that Arizona had built up during the conversation.

Mirroring it with her own, she couldn't help but feel excited as she agreed, "It is."

Callie continued, "So, I think, maybe we can be able to be friends? I know it might be even weirder at first, but I think it's really good for Sofia to see us be friends and," she bit her lip and looked down at the table before looking back up, "It's good for me, too. I do miss you. Even when I tell myself that I shouldn't…"

"You should," the words were rushed from her mouth and she rolled her eyes at herself, and then clarified, "I, um, I think it'll be good for me, too. I miss you, too."

Her wife's smile was the brightest Arizona had seen it in… so long, "So, do you want to stay for dinner when you come to get Sof on Monday?"

So she'd gone to dinner on Monday. And again on Wednesday. And again this past Monday and Wednesday. And they'd had lunch together at the hospital twice more in the last week, and they got to a point that they had never been at before. When she'd talked to Dr. Walker in their last session about what she wanted to do, the therapist had only told her to make sure that she wasn't rushing herself.

But she didn't feel rushed. She felt slowed. She felt like she wanted more than twice a week dinners and sporadic lunches.

By the end of dinner, as Sofia went to go pick up her backpack to go home with Arizona, the two women stood in the kitchen together. It was… easier between them now, and as the words swirled in her head, she tapped her hands lightly on her thighs, watching her wife out of the corner of her eye.

Callie could apparently tell that something was on her mind and she simply lifted an eyebrow, "Arizona? Are you all right?"

The time was here. It was now, especially before the little feet came running back in their direction. With a deep breath, she looked into those dark eyes, "I'm fine. I'm really good, actually. I just… do you want to go on a date?"

And she watched as those eyes widened and Callie repeated the words back to her as if in a daze, "A date?"

"Yeah," her breath burst from her in a quick exhale, "I mean, I'm not asking you to move back in or anything like that. Because that's not – not what I think would be best for us. I actually think our being apart has been good, for both of us." She took in Callie's confused nod.

"Me, too," her wife said the words, still in that strange tone.

The tone that prompted Arizona to keep talking, "Right, so the time apart has been good. It's let both of us take time to think and heal and be our own people, and I don't want to rush into anything. I'm not asking you out as your wife."

She could tell her explanation wasn't coming out as smoothly as she'd hoped when Callie still simply looked at her, "You're not."

Quickly, she shook her head, "No. No, because that's a lot of expectations and it would be complicated and this is… I want to know if I can take you out on a first date. A starting over date. I'm Arizona Robbins, and you're Callie Torres, and we're both pretty surgeons and –" oh, dear lord what was coming out of her mouth? Squeezing her eyes tightly closed, she just finished with, "So, I just wanted to know, if maybe you would want to go out on a first date with me?"

They couldn't pick up where they left off before, because it was in shambles. And they had both changed so much that it wouldn't be the same. But it could be something completely different being rebuilt in it's place.

Blue eyes looked up at her face while her heart pounded in her chest waiting for an answer.

Please let me know what you think! Everyone who already has/does, thank you so much, I really appreciate your feedback. As always, thank you for reading.