Bernie had officially been back for two weeks, and Serena still hadn't found a way to say much to Bernie. Oh, they talked about little things, mainly patients and how to treat them, but there was no substance, no warmth, to their conversations, and it was slowly eating away at Serena's soul.
Jason knew that something was still wrong, since he kept bugging her to have Bernie over for supper, as if he had known when her return would be. Serena had wanted to ask him if he had had a hand in things, but she had no idea if he had her number, or if he would have the nerve to do something like call and ask her to come back.
Still, she had started to put out little olive branches to Bernie, in an attempt to assuage her guilty heart. Cups of coffee and pastries left on Bernie's desk ten minutes before her shift was scheduled to start, apples and other snacks at the end of draining surgeries, and a book or two that she had found interesting were the least she could offer the woman. It seemed to be working, a little, as they could finally manage to look at each other without flinching by the end of the second week, but it still felt like there was an insurmountable wall between them, one that Serena had no clue in how to demolish.
It didn't help, either, that everyone saw fit to comment on their lack of communication at every turn, and Serena found herself on edge most days, looking forward to occasional glimpses of Bernie on the ward. And then, one day, right before they were to step into theatre, Bernie had turned and looked at her, her gaze seeming to search her soul for an answer that Serena wasn't giving. She felt pinned by the look, and so missed when Bernie opened her mouth to speak. "I thought that you had moved beyond anger," was all she said before shoving her way into the operating room and leaving Serena in the dust.
That had been a hard surgery, since she found her focus lacking. She took a step back from the team and watched Bernie work, her hands moving so elegantly as she went on. There were no gentle looks exchanged that time, no tender smiles, and Serena's heart broke a little when she began to realise the magnitude of hurt that her stubborn pride had caused. She was the one to linger after the operation had finished, hoping that Bernie would stay behind as well, since she finally thought she could start dismantling the barrier between them, brick by brick. Instead, Bernie had just looked at her, shook her head, and stormed from the room, never sparing her a second glance.
"Did you really expect things to be anything other than this?" Morven asked, not unkindly, but still reminding her of her shortcomings. Serena shrugged as she struggled to keep her emotions under lock and key, to not break down in front of the young doctor, and she screwed her eyes closed when Morven rested her hand on her shoulder. "At least you get a second chance with her. I'll never get that with Arthur."
"I suppose," she breathed out, the reminder of the good doctor too much for her fragile control. The first tear rolled down her cheek as she pulled away from Morven and hurried from the theatre. Raf tried to stop her, but she shook her head as she went to escape to the one safe space she had left on hospital grounds.
The first thing she was aware of when she took a seat in the peace garden was how bloody cold it was. It shouldn't have surprised her, since it was the beginning of December, but a cutting wind whipped around her body, driving into her pores like sharp needles. And though she knew tears were useless, she let them fall down her cheeks, knowing that she needed to get the sorrow out of her system before she returned to the ward.
"We don't want you dying of hypothermia, Ms. Campbell."
She looked up into Dom's face, and gave him a weak smile as he settled his warm coat around her shoulders before taking a seat next to her on the bench. The young man stopped short of setting his arm around her shoulders, and for that she was grateful. "How did you find me?"
"Bernie mentioned that you often go to the peace garden when you have no peace in your heart. She wanted one of us to go after you, and I volunteered. I figured you might need a strong shoulder to cry on."
She let out a watery laugh as she roughly drew the palms of her hands across her eyes to clear them of tears. "What I really need is a big macho army medic in my life. But I think that I might have finally fucked up enough so as to never have a chance at that again. My one chance at love, and poof, it's gone like chaff on the wind, because I'm too bloody stubborn to actually talk to her. I can talk about her, to everyone else, it seems, but that's just not good enough. I'm just not good enough."
"I wouldn't say that, Ms. Campbell. She wouldn't have sent one of us after you if all tender feelings were gone. And you wouldn't be crying so much if you didn't care. All it takes is being humble enough to admit that you were wrong and telling her as much."
"Oh, I wish it was that easy, Mister Copeland, I really do. But when you've reached my age, pride is sometimes all that we have left."
He patted her shoulder gently before offering her a handkerchief. Serena gave him a grateful smile as she cleaned up her face before standing once more. "I might not be particularly religious, but I do seem to remember my catechism teacher telling me, all too often, that pride goeth before the fall. And I think I speak for both Bernie and myself when I say that neither of us want to see you fall."
She nodded her head sharply before starting to make her way back to the hospital. Dom followed her closely, his hand hovering against the small of her back, as if he would catch her if she stumbled. It was a kind gesture, one she didn't deserve, and one that made Serena's heart a touch lighter.
The minute she was back in her office, Serena buried herself in paperwork, knowing that if she said anything to anyone, she could very well break down again, and she was not about to have that happen, not again. And so, she filed and wrote emails and did all the things that she had to catch up on, not even glancing at Bernie when she came and went from the office, even if she smiled every time.
The hours passed swiftly, and as she closed down her system, she found herself anxious for Bernie to return and get her things. When she did walk in, Serena let her face light up in eagerness, ready to finally say anything that would get them on the same page again.
The look on Bernie's face once more had her words turning to ash, and she felt tears well up in her eyes once more to see that tears stained her cheeks. "Bernie…"
"I, I have to go," the woman said as she shouldered her bag, not sparing her a second glance. "I'll see you in the morning?"
"Yes. And maybe lunch?"
There was no answer to her question, though, and she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces as she watched Bernie escape into the night.