Chapter 6: Reason to exist
"Bella, we thought you were dead when I saw you jump, I didn't think we'd make it in time. But I had to be sure. And if we didn't, then I needed to be there for Charlie. But when we got here we were going to just stop and see if Charlie was here and wait. But then Edward smelled you. And then we heard screaming and we heard you yell for someone to get off. He didn't think he just acted on instinct."
"Oh." I couldn't think of anything else to say, oh seemed to do fine. "Ed.. He thought I was hurt?"
"We both did, you didn't sound normal you sounded strained."
"We were joking and he fell on top of me and knocked the wind out of me."
"There's always an explanation." she said quietly.
"Where's, Where is he?" She sighed, she looked reluctant to tell me. "Please?"
"He saw how hurt you were, and knew he was the reason behind it all. And then you hit him and he, I could see the hurt in his eyes, but he left, he didn't want to bring you anymore pain." She closed her eyes, and sighed again. "He's in the meadow."
Edwards POV:
I was laying in the middle of our meadow. God how I longed for her warmth to come, I knew it never would. I had left, for a second time. But she wanted me to, she screamed at me she hit me!
I felt as though I had been ripped into a thousand pieces. Everyone of them at different parts of the earth, and only she could put me back together.
My world had fallen apart. I could imagine her sweet breath, her eyes; chocolate, my holy sin. Her pale body, twisting as she slept. Oh, how I longed to touch her sweet face, kiss her crimson lips, and stroke her silky hair.
I imagined her, Her lovely taste of freesia. I could only imagine.
The truly sad part was, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't dream about her. I could not fall into a slumber to escape the vile pain that filled every vein in my body. I missed the steady beat of her melodic heart, it was the most beautiful piece of music I had have ever heard.
I told Bella we never sleep, which is true. I believed I never dreamed because I couldn't dream, but I discovered my thinking flawed. I didn't dream in the normal sense, but every time I closed my eyes, my memories create indelible images so real that I watch my time with Bella constantly replaying itself. If they are dreams, they will fade, but I know they won't; yet they are still dreams because I can never make them a part of my life again.
I had one chance at heaven and I gave it up. I left the angel of my life and have since lived in hell every day. I don't have nightmares, but my visions can very well pass for nightmares. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Bella. Her deep expressive eyes, her soft luscious kissable lips, her heady blush, and her extremely desirable body, but then the vision alters and I see someone with her, and he is enjoying the physical relationship with Bella that I was denied. In those moments, my anger flares up and the need to destroy something overwhelms me. I've learned not to range to far from wooded areas, so when the compulsion consumes me, I have a place to go. Now I see her with Jacob. She no longer belonged to me.
My eyes ached with the need of tears. she didn't want me anymore. How's that for ironic, that's what she had said to me. And now it was true for her. She no longer wanted me. She screamed, no she freaked when she saw me. But she cried, maybe there still was hope. I could dream right? Ha I laughed at the thought. Crying didn't mean she wanted me, didn't mean she still felt something. She cried for small things, when she was angry. So maybe she was angry with me. Of course she was, who wouldn't be. Anger was a good thing, you needed emotion for anger. I just hoped it was backed up by the emotion I so needed her to feel, love. I needed her to still love me.
I never had a day go by, a minute go by that I wasn't thinking about her I needed her to realize that, but how. It had been so long. Maybe to long. Maybe she wouldn't understand. She had to I had to make her understand. It was for the best. But it wasn't really, werewolves, out of all the people in the world, out of all the towns in the world. They had to be in forks,. And Jacob black of all people. She really was a magnet for danger.
The images I got from Jacob weren't happy ones. He was making me see what I had done to her. What I put her through, what I still am putting her through. And the kiss, she kissed a dog. Ugh. Why was I so stupid. I put her through so much pain, and he made me see it. How can I live with my self knowing that's what I left her. in I did that to her. She loved me for real, true love, even though I was a monster she still did, and I broke her. I killed her.
All those thoughts, plus the realization that Bella's love was true and I threw it away, were bad enough, but what made it even worse was that every time I closed my eyes I saw Bella's face. Every expression, every feeling, and every endearing feature crossed before my eyes. It was like watching a rerun of the times I saw her. The first being in the biology class when I saw the monster I was reflected in her eyes. That was the first vision to cause a sharp stabbing pain in my chest. I knew what I was, and I knew I was a danger to Bella, but I had never meant to play a role in her death. I had tried so hard to prevent her demise. She wasn't really dead, she was like me, empty, lifeless.
The vision Alice had still played its way in my thoughts to, she had jumped. But how was she still alive. It didn't matter she was here, she was alive, breathing. that's all that mattered. When I had first saw her jump I couldn't think straight. All I could thing was I failed her. I would never again be able to catch her if she stumbled and fell. She had fallen for the last time and I had let her down by not protecting her. Although, I had never imagined that I would need to protect Bella from herself. But she was here, for some unexplained reason, either Alice was horrible wrong or something else had happen. It was like a sick game.
Torture me more, make me think she's dead, for even that tiniest moment. It was like my world was being ripped apart. I couldn't think that way, she was here, she was alive. I had to think of something, I had to do something say anything to get her to realize why I had left. Why I had done what I did. No I needed to leave I cant go back to her, what if she's moved on, what if she's happy. What if she found someone else.
I on the other hand will never find anyone else I will love, no one other than Bella. She is my other half and no one will ever replace her. I know this is true and there is no changing this fact. It's been a year since I said goodbye. that's long enough for things to change. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do leaving her, and Bella's reaction was not what I had expected. That is something I'll never forget about Bella; she never reacted the way I expected, or the way any other human would have reacted. I had waited for her to break out in tears and maybe even yell at me, but she didn't. If I could only have heard her thoughts, it would have been easier to know what to say to have made it easier for her.
It also surprised me that she so easily accepted the idea that I didn't want her in my life.
My life, that is a joke — I don't have a life. That's what I'd been trying to make Bella understand; I wasn't alive, I just existed. I want more for her then that, but the fact that she honestly believed I didn't love her is hard to fathom. How could she not know that leaving her was the hardest decision I've ever had to make? That when I turned my back on her I was ripping my own heart out. It was like dying all over again.
If I ever thought my existence was lonely before, it was nothing to what it is now. Before, I had thought I could be complete in myself and be happy, but now, when I watch the others together, I know I'll never be complete because I ripped myself away from the only person, in all eternity, who can make me complete. Now I see an eternity of darkness, misery, and loneliness looming on my horizon. I made a promise to her, I cant put myself in her life again, I cant put her in danger. But what am I thinking she's already in danger. Werewolves of all things!
No I had to go back, I had to go and beg for forgiveness, I had to make Bella see that I did it because I loved her to much to put her in danger. I had to go back I needed Bella. My life my reason to go on.. My only reason for anything. How can I make her understand I love her, I always have, I never stopped. I lied to her, to protect her.
She would never understand. But I had to try. She was my reason to exist.
A/N: please read and review tell me how I'm doing, let me know what you think. Do you like Edwards POV?
And a heads up, I have updated this quickly. And will continue to do so. Except there will be no updates for 3 days. I leave tomorrow.. (Friday) for the weekend and will return Sunday.. And I will continue there after to update frequently. At least one chapter a day. Unlike today I had nothing else to do so I as a writing machine and got the first 6 chapters out. Kudos to me! YAY lol.. Hope your enjoying so far. Again let me know whatcha think!