Attack of the whomping willow
It had been one week since the Weasleys and Harry went back to Diagon alley, Harry had put his random outburst that he did in the book shop behind him,Ron spend the rest of the holidays playing dress up and wearing makeup and asked Harry to wear one of molly's dresses for a day.
"I don't know, it's not really me" Harry said as he looked at the purple dress with the flowers on "I'm not really a dress kind of person because I'm a boy."
"Oh go on harry, just do it for a laugh" Ron said. After Ron had pestered Harry for an hour, he eventually gave in and soon found himself wearing the dress and a straw hat to go with it.
"It suits you" Ron giggled "you look adorable."
"Someone kill me" Harry muttered.
"Gladly" said Voldemort who had randomly appeared.
"Piss off, you're not supposed to be here" Harry spat.
"I will get you potter, just you wait" Voldemort warned before dissapearing back to the gates of hell before re-appearing again "oh and I forgot to tell you, my sixteen year old self is going to make little Ginny weasley open the chamber of secrets and set the basilisk on muggle borns by using a black dairy, ha, how about that."
"You do know that you've just spoilt the plot" Ron said, taking out a rifle "and for this, I will shoot you." Voldemort vanished so we can now get back to the story.
On the night before they were due to leave for hogwarts, Harry and the weasley family had an all night party.
"Yeehaw, I am the greatest dude ever to exist, I am the king of dudes, I am the dude master, oh yeah,never mess with the best dude in the world." Ron yelled , running around with his shirt off and waving his shirt in the air. At one point, the twins dared Ron to run around outside starkers.
"No" Ron snapped as he put his shirt back on. The next morning, everybody had slept in because they were up all night partying and they only had thirty minutes to get ready and to the train station to catch the hogwarts train. Ginny had fallen asleep in her porridge and percy had to poke her in the ribs with his wand to wake her up.
"Can I just sleep a little longer" she moaned "god, I wish I didn't stay up all night." Arthur picked her up by the waist and threw her into the ford Anglia which I shall call Angie. Everybody was running around like headless chicken and Molly was complaining.
"Why did we have to party all night,we are never going to get there in time, I am so panicky right now, oh my god did I flush the toilet, did I leave the oven on or off, where is my purse, who left that sock out of the wash basket, will someone sort Ginny's stuff out, Ronald stop running with scissors, god I am so warn out." Arthur slapped her round the face to calm her down but this had made things worse.
"Why did you do that, shouldn't you be helping me out, go and sort them lot out so I can complain." Molly had complained all the way to the Train station and was still complaining whilst they were there. The kids were having enough of her so they went through the barrier, except for ron and Harry who were finding the whole thing amusing then Molly and Arthur had to go through the barrier to give Ginny her barbie doll collection she was taking with her.
"We better get going or we'll miss the train"Harry said. Ron nodded in agreement and the two boys grabbed onto their Trolleys, ran towards the wall between nine and ten but instead of going through it, they crashed straight into it.
"Ow, I think I've punctured a lung" Ron moaned as he clutched his chest.
"I think I've ruptured my appendix" Harry added.
"I think I'm suffering from permanent brain damage" said Ron. Harry gave Ron the evils.
"Shut up, no you're not" Harry yelled.
"Ok, so I'm not" Ron Replied "but I think I might have torn a legiment."
"Arrrrghhhhhhhhh" Harry yelled, slapping his forehead.
"Blimey Harry, what's got into you, you weren't like this last year" Ron said.
"I'm slowly developing teenage hormones" Harry replied "youll understand when you're my age."
"But, I'm the same age as you dude" Ron replied.
"Oh yeah" Harry replied "but you will soon experience teenage hormones."
"That makes me very nervous" Ron replied.
"Oi, what do you two hooligans think you're doing." It was the big beefy guard who was sarcastic towards Harry when he asked him where to find platform nine and three quarters the year before.
"Sorry, the trolleys went out of control" Harry said as he rubbed his sides "you fat bastard."
"I'm keeping my eye on you" the Guard said, pointing at Harry "I remember you, the nutter from last year." He walked away just as Ron mananged to compose himself.
"Why can't we get through the damn thing?" Harry demanded.
"How the hell should I know" Ron replied back "it sealed itself for some reason."
"Arrrgh" Harry yelled as he kicked the wall "what are we going to do know." Suddenly, Ron had an idea.
"I have an idea" Ron announced "let's fly Angie to Hogwarts."
"Who is Angie?" Harry asked.
"The car doofy" Ron said, back handing Harry round the back of the head.
"Ow" said Harry, rubbing the back of his head "that hurt." Five minutes later, both of the boys were flying the blue car and stupidly forgotten to make it invisble so a lot of muggles had seen it flying.
"I'm hungry" said Harry.
"Ah, I have that sorted" Ron announced "accio munchies." Soon, Angie was filled with all kinds of Munchies.
"Now this is what I call a feast" Harry said as he picked up a bag of doritoes.
"I'm having some pie" said Ron as he picked up a piece of blueberry pie " hey harry, be a mate and pass me some of that cool hwip."
"What?" Harry asked, staring at Ron.
"You can't have a pie without cool hwip" said Ron.
"Do you mean cool whip?" Harry asked.
"Yeah, cool hwip, you can't have a pie without cool hwip" Ron continued.
"What" Harry said "why are you putting so much empathis on the H?" Ron ate some pie.
"I was just saying pie goes well with cool hwip" Ron replied with his mouth full of pie.
"Ok" Harry sighed "say cool."
"cool" said Ron.
"Now say Whip" Harry ordered.
"Whip" said Ron obediently.
"Now put those two words together" Harry said.
"Cool Hwip" said ron.
"Arrrrghhhhhhh" Harry yelled in annoyance "you idiot, just say it properly."
"Cool hwip" said Ron.
"Cool whip, it's cool whip, god, how many times to I have to tell you." He back handed Ron round the back of the head "let's just shut up about it and follow the train to Hogwarts."
"Ok" said Ron, rubbing the back of his head.
"Ok, let's see if we can see the train" Harry said " that way if we follow it, we won't get lost."
"I see it" Ron pointed out happily, pointing to the train which was going along like a great big red snake.
"Oooooooooh" said Ron in awe "it's a beauty."
"It's only a train" Harry sighed.
"Fine" said Ron, throwing his arms up in protest.
"If we follow the train, we'll be at hogwarts in no time then we can, are you paying any attention to me." Ron was day dreaming out of the window instead of paying attention to Harry who had to whack him on the back of the head with a magazine to get his attention.
"Ow, Jesus Harry, what is the matter with you?" Ron demanded furiously.
"I was just saying that we'll be at hogwarts in no time if we follow the train" Harry replied impatiently.
"Sorry, I have a short attention span" Ron replied.
"No you don't" harry said.
"I developed it after we crashed into the barrier" Ron replied. Harry looked at Ron in a very weird way. So, they followed the train and soon found themselves flying towards hogwarts, a castle that was shaped like a tortoise.
" Sweet home hoggy hogwarts, we're coming home to you" Ron and Harry sang "sweet home hoggy hogwarts,oh we're coming home to you." They were too busy happily singing that they didn't notice that the car was almost out of gas and they only noticed when they crashed into some random tree.
"Why do we have to keep crashing into things today" Ron moaned "if this keeps up, I am going to be suffering from internal organ injury." Before Harry could reply to that commwent, the tree that they had hit was begining to beat the crap out of Angie with Harry and Ron inside it.
"Ahhhhhhh, what is that?" Ron yelled.
"It's that bloody tree thingy majig" Harry replied "it's beating the shit out of the car with us inside it."
"Oh, I'm scared" Ron yelled, throwing his amrs round harry " protect me Harry, you are so brave." Harry simply shoved him off and told him to stop behaving like a complete girl. After one last hit, the car also known as Angie plummeted to the ground and Harry and Ron were thrown out and onto the wet grass. The car made rude gestures towards the two boys before driving off into the forbidden forest to live in the wild.
" Dad is going to kill me" Ron moaned.
"Be thankful you survived the crash" Harry pointed out.
"Yeah but I think that event will traumatise me for life" Ron said as he rubbed his back "this is the worst day of my life."
"And it's about to get worser" came a sinister voice from behind them. Harry and Ron both turned around to see Proffersor snape stood behind them,looking evil.
"Yipes" Ron muttered. Snape looked at them both and smirked in a very creepy way.
"Follow me boys" he said in a voice which made Ron squeak in terror. Harry gave Ron a push as they followed sinister snape into Hogwarts castle.
"Proffersor, are you taking us into the great hall for the feast?" Ron asked hopefully. Snape turned to face Ron and gave him the most evilist smirk ever.
"No, I am not Mr weasley" he said before turning his sinister smirk into a snarl "now shut up and follow me." Ron gulped and hung his head down in shame whilst Harry just acted normal because he wasn't scared of snape like Ron was. Snape led the boys into the dark and most discusting dungeon ever.
"Ok, into my office" he ordered "now!"
"Mmmmmm" Ron whimpered. Harry pushed Ron into the office and followed him in with snape.
"Sit" Snape barked, pointing at two chairs.
"Ahem, we are not dogs, we are human beings if you care to take any notice" Harry said with pure attitude. Snape calmly walked up to him and grabbed the collar of his shirt.
"I suggest you keep that cheeky attitude to yourself mr potter" Snape said in a threatening manner "now, I see that you two boys couldn't be bothered to catch the train so you decided to arrive a different way, what is the matter Mr potter, are you too good to catch the hogwarts expresso so you thought you'd both arrive with a bang."
"It wasn't our fault, the barrier at king's cross wouldn't let us through" Ron said in a shaky voice.
"LIES" Snape screamed, banging his fist on the table. Ron wet himself.
"It's true sir" Harry said.
"LIAR" Snape screamed again "YOU TWO ARE GOING HOME TONIGHT ON THE TRAIN, NOW COLLECT YOUR STUFF, LEAVE THIS SCHOOL AND NEVER RETURN, YOU USED MAGIC TO FLY A CAR WHICH IS ILLEGAL OUTSIDE THESE SCHOOL GROUNDS, YOU WERE SEEN BY A MILLION MUGGLES AND YOU DAMAGED THE WHOMPING WILLOW WHICH COST US MILLIONS TO INSTALL."
"I think it did more damage to us" Ron whimpered.
"SILENCE, NOW GO AND GET ON THE TRAIN BECAUSE YOU ARE BOTH EXPELLED."
"No they are not" came a croaky voice. Harry and Ron turned around to find stood there, proffesor Dumbledore, an old wizard who had a frog like voice and was the headmaster of hogwarts. With him was McGonogal, secret lover of Dumbledore and deputy headmistress of hogwarts, unbeknowest to the whole school, Dumbledore and McGonogal got married during the holidays but it was kept secret as they both didn't want to ruin their reputation.
"Please explain why you did this?" Dumbledore asked.
"It wasn't our fault" Harry said "the barrier wouldn't let us through and we had no option but to use the car."
"I see" replied Mcgonogall as she eyed Harry suspisciously "but why didn't you sent us a letter with your owl Mr Potter and inform us of the situation."
"Hedwig the 1st has gone on vacation and won't be back until the end of the week" Harry replied.
"I see" said McGonogal again "but what you have both done is very serious so I'll be writing to both of your families and you will both receive detention."
"You're not going to exspell us" Ron said in his hopeful voice .
"Not today but if you both put another toe outo f line then I will have no choice but to exspell you both" McGonogal said.
"It's not fair" Snape whined "I wanted to punish them."
"It's not your decision snape, they are not in your house" Dumbledore said sternly "now let us go the great hall and finish the feast."
"Great, delicious pumpkin pies and icecream, here I come" said Ron.
"No, you two will eat here and go straight to bed" McGonogal said "accio crappy sandwichs." A huge pile of crappy sandwichs appeared on a plate and the three teachers left for the feast, leaving Ron and Harry to eat the crappy sandwichs.
"Can you believe our luck" said Ron as he reached for a sandwich "I thought we was going to die."
"You're over reacting" Harry replied. Ron noticed an answering machine on Snape's desk.
"hey, what is that?" he asked, pointing at the answering machine.
"I think it's an answering machine" Harry replied.
"Wow, I didn't know snape owned a muggle device" Ron said in amazement.
"Me neither, hey put it on and let's listen to his messages" Harry suggested.
"Happy to" Ron replied as he switched on the answering machine which sprang to life.
"Hello, you've reached serverus snape on 55-0103, please leave a message at the beep beep,hello serverus, it's me serverus, reminding you to hate all houses except your own and take points from those other houses for no reason beep,hello you've reached serverus snape on 55-0103,please leave a message at the beep beep,hello serverus, it's me, serverus, reminding you to remove the porkchops from the freezer to the refrigerator so they'll defrost properly, do not dissapoint me." Harry and Ron both looked at each other and cackled.
"He sends messages to himself, he must be stranger than I thought" Harry chuckled. They had relunctantly eaten about ten crappy sandwichs before McGonogal came back to escort them to Gryffindor tower.
"Now, remember that you both will be getting a detention" she said before leaving them outside the portrait of paris hilton which led into the Gryffinodr common room.
"Password cutie" she asked.
"Erm, fashion babes, hot mommas" Ron said, confused.
"No, that's wrong handsome" Paris hilton replied.
"Oh no" said Ron dramaticly "we don't know the password,we can't get into the common room, we'll have to sleep out in the corridor, do you have any sleeping bags?"
"Calm down you plonker, we just need find some gryffindor student passing by and ask them the password" Replied Harry who was remaining calm about the whole situation.
"Wait, I think I see someone who I think is a gryffindor" Ron said but then he realised that it was Hermione "oh it's only Hermione, nothing important."
"That's charming" Hermione replied with a hint of sarcasm in her voice "but just to let you know that me and you will both be married at end of the seventh book."
"SPOILERS,SPOILERS" yelled a bunch of anti-spoiler fans who hadn't yet read the seventh book and who hated having big surprises about the furture books being revealed way too early. They punished Hermione by making her eat….. cake.
"No not cake, anything but cake, I don't want to fill my system with ten thousand calories, I'm on a calorie free diet." They fed her the dreaded cake.
"Ok" said Harry rather slowly "very random."
"So, what's the password,oh furture wife?" Ron asked with sarcasm.
"Never mind that now, what on earth were you thinking, flying a car to hogwarts" Hermione lectured.
"Oh stop with you're boring lectures" Ron snapped "What is the password to get into the common room."
"It's hot hunks" Hermione said "but I still want to lecture you both." The paris hilton portrait swung open and the three of them stepped in. Apparently, somehow, the whole of Gryffindor had found out about Harry and Ron's entrance because they were now surrounding them with excitement.
"How did you do it, that was awesome" Said seamus Finnigan, a boy in their year. Harry looked and saw Percy walking towards them with a I'm-coming-to-tell-you-off-big-time kind of face.
"Sorry, but we're tired" Said Harry.
"Yeah" added Ron who was also wanting to avoid the wrath of percy. They both went into their dormitry and flopped out onto their beds.
"Wow, how eventful was today" said Ron.
"I know" replied Harry "maybe we should do it again one day."
"Yeah,in about, a hundred years" Ron replied "never again in my opion."
"Hey look on the bright side, at least we didn't get expelled" Harry pointed out.
"Yeah, maybe you're right" Ron replied before falling asleep. With nothing to do himself, Harry fell asleep too.