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Dreaming Reality
B.J flipped onto his back with a loud sigh. In between the visits from his co-workers, he had spent most of the day sleeping. He was regretting that now he was wide wake with nothing to do but let his mind race about the days events. He couldn't stop thinking about his wife and he wondered whether she was scared or in pain. He wondered about his daughter and if she had realized that her whole life was about to change. He wondered about his best friends...Whether he was too busy, hiding or just didn't care.
He rubbed his eyes and sat up. Pushing open the door, he stood and watched the rain before stepping out. With in seconds, his clothes were soaked through, but he didn't care. When he saw the Corporal, who was on Guard Duty watching him, so he walked away. He crossed the compound, walking to the edge of camp where he knew he would be alone.
Tilting his head towards the sky, he closed his eyes and let the rain run down his face. Peg always said how cleansed her body and sole felt after walking in the rain. B.J always enjoyed it too but his reasons were more to do with the fact, he loved seeing that side of his wife. Since they got married so young and they both worked hard while B.J went through medical school, they had grown up quickly. So, whenever it rained and Peg insisted on being outside, he was always willing, just so they could act silly. Maybe, that was why he pulled so many practical jokes in the camp because he would go crazy if he had been the mature, responsible one all the time.
"Have you been sent out to see if I've lost my mind?" B.J said, without opening his eyes or moving from his position but he could sense that he was being watched and he knew who was watching him.
"Everyone's pretty worried about you..." Hawkeye claimed. "But no one thinks your losing your mind...That's Klinger's scheme, remember."
"Plus, I don't need a section eight to get out."
"No," Hawkeye agreed quietly. "Listen, why don't we go back to the Swamp and talk."
"I like it out here."
"Beej, it's pouring down."
"Peg says rain cleanses the sole."
"And no one can see you cry." Hawkeye added.
B.J finally turned and opened his eyes. "Why are you out here, Hawk?"
"Because you are." He replied. "And like I said, people are worried about you."
B.J looked past Hawkeye to the swamp and saw Colonel Potter, Margaret and Father Mulcahy stood in the doorway. Klinger was watching from just inside his office. He could even see a shadow in the door of the Post-Op and from the build of it, it looked like Charles.
"I just... I wanted to stand in the rain for a little while." B.J turned back to Hawkeye.
"Okay." Hawkeye shrugged.
"You don't have to stay."
"I do."
B.J watched him closely for a few seconds. "You're just going to stand there silently? You're not going to ask me how I'm feeling or tell me I need to eat something...Or that I have to be strong for Erin?"
"You'll talk when you're ready to talk and it's probably better for your health that you don't eat what they serve here." Hawkeye replied. "And as for Erin... I don't need to tell you to be strong for her because I know you will be...I know you would never let her down."
B.J turned to his back to Hawkeye again. The rain may hide the tears but he knew Hawkeye would see him crying.
Hawkeye knew he didn't have a whole lot of patience but he knew he had to wait till when B.J was ready to open up, even if that meant standing in the rain all night. He glanced back and saw Potter gesturing for him to bring B.J back to the Swamp. He shook his head slightly.
"You don't talk about her." B.J whispered so quietly that Hawkeye almost didn't hear.
"Who? Peg?" Hawkeye frowned in confusion.
"Your Mom...You talk about anything else...you talk about everything else...but you don't talk about her." B.J replied.
Hawkeye was lost for words, he wasn't expecting B.J to bring up his Mother.
"You see, I know you were only young when she died but you were old enough to remember her...Erin's just a baby...What if no one talks about Peg?"
"Beej..." Hawkeye started, reaching out rubbing his forehead with his hand. "Losing my Mom was one of the worse things to ever happen to me, and it hurt...It still hurts but people deal with grief in different kind of ways."
B.J continued to look up at the sky. People deal with grief in different kind of ways. He had said it himself to patients before but it didn't make him feel any better now. He wondered whether it helped any of the people he had said it to.
"The thing is, my Dad was never that big on talking about his feelings and I guess it was too hard for him to talk about Mom...I got used to not talking about her." Hawkeye admitted. "Doesn't mean I don't think about her though...and it doesn't mean that Erin won't get to know about her Mom...You'll be around to tell her all the wonderful things about Peg...Tell her all the things that made you love her."
Hawkeye stepped forward and put a hand on B.J's shoulder. "You're not going to forget her either...I promise."
"I think I've already started to..." B.J whispered.
Hawkeye could do nothing but squeeze the younger man's shoulder, hoping it would bring him some kind of comfort.
"Beej, lets go somewhere dry." Hawkeye suggested again.
"Do you know where she was going when the accident happened?" B.J ignored his request.
"B.J..."
"She was going to the store..." He continued. "She was out of flour, so she was going to the store."
"You must be freezing..."
"My parents had been over for dinner and Peg asked them to watch Erin, while she went to the store to get some more flour because after she had put Erin to bed, she was planning baking some cookies...They had to be done last night because she wanted to put them in the care packing she was going to post to me, today."
"I could have happened anywhere." Hawkeye told him.
He felt out of his depth... He knew his friend was hurting but he didn't know what to do to make him feel better. If he was wounded or sick then, he could help but dealing with a broken heart, wasn't his territory.
"Come on, Beej." Hawkeye tugged on his arm and was surprised when the other Captain allowed him to guide him back to the tent.
Potter, Margaret and Father Mulcahy all stepped aside to let the Captains enter the Swamp. They all watched silently as Hawkeye lead B.J inside and sat him down his cot.
They were both drenched and Hawkeye scanned the tent for B.J bathrobe. He noticed that B.J's side of the tent was almost empty.
"I packed some of his stuff..." Margaret told him. "I figured he wouldn't feel like doing it in the morning."
Hawkeye grabbed his own bathrobe and then wrapped it around B.J, who was now shaking and Hawkeye didn't know whether it from the cold or from shock, finally setting in.
"Why don't you boys head to the showers." Potter suggested.
"Cookies..." B.J whispered.
"What was that?" Father Mulcahy questioned, stepping a little closer.
"All for cookies..." B.J mumbled, staring down at his hands, where he was twisting his wedding ring around and around.
"Come on, Son...You're soaked through."
He looked up when Potter placed a hand on his arm. "My Dad spoke to the doctor at hospital...he's an old family... he said...he said she never stood a chance...that she died on impact...she wouldn't have felt a thing...She was in no pain."
"Well, thank god for that." Margaret said.
B.J turned to look at her quickly. "How many times have you said that to someone? How do you know they don't feel any pain? They never come back and tell us."
"Beej, torturing yourself like this, isn't going to help." Hawkeye told him.
"I'm not trying to torture myself...I'm just trying to understand." He stated. "Because all she went out for was flour...The seconds before she died she was thinking about making some cookies for me..."
"She knew how much getting things from home, meant to you... She knew by sending you letters, pictures and cookie, was helping you." Hawkeye claimed. "That's what she thought about...Helping you."
"B.J, I know this must be hard to accept..." Margaret started, softly.
"No, you don't." He shook his head. "You have no idea what I'm feeling."
"Tell us, then." Potter suggested. "We want to help."
"Everything...I'm feeling everything...I feel confused, sad, angry..." He admitted, standing up and started to pace. "Why did she have to go out? Why couldn't she had gone in the morning! If she didn't have to be so damn organized and had to make the cookies last night..."
"B.J..." Margaret tried to interrupt but Hawkeye held up a hand to stop her. He knew he had to let his friend get this off his chest.
"Why did my parents let her go?" He continued. "Why did they have to agree to look after Erin?"
"If they hadn't, Erin may have been in the car too." Father Mulcahy supplied, helpfully. "You could have lost both of them."
"Yeah and it would have been much easier."
Margaret gasped in shock. "You don't mean that!"
"Don't I?" He looked at her. "It would mean an easy solution...I wouldn't have to choose."
"I don't understand..." She frowned, glancing around at the other in the tent.
Hawkeye felt a shiver go down his spine and he knew it wasn't from the cold; he started wondering why B.J had chosen to go the edge of the camp, right next to the mind field.
"How can I choose between them?" B.J dropped back down to the cot, burying his face in his hands.
"You don't." Hawkeye told him forcefully. "You have no choice... Peg's gone but Erin is still here...Erin still needs you!"
"Your wrong..." He shook his head. "She was here...Last night, she was here...I felt her...I know she was here."
"B.J..."
"And you know what? I want to hate her! She said she loved me and she promised she would never leave me!" He broke down. "I want to hate so bad for leaving me but I can't because I love her so much...and I don't know what to do!"
Hawkeye knelt down in front of him, grabbing hold of his chin gently and forced B.J to look up at him. "You're going to listen to me, okay? We're going to get you through this, I promise."
"How?"
"Just trust me." Hawkeye told him, his mind screaming at him for making a promise that he couldn't possible keep when B.J was going to be sent back to the states in less then nine hours. "Can you do that? Just trust me and I'll take care of the rest."
B.J stared back at him for a few seconds before slowly nodding a little.
"Okay, good...first thing we're going to do, is shower." He stood up and pulled B.J to his feet before gently pushing him to the door.
B.J left without any comment and once the door swung shut behind him, Hawkeye let out a loud sigh.
"Well done, Son...I think you may have just got through to him." Potter told him.
"I just hope I didn't lie to my best friend..." He replied.
"If anyone can get him through this, it's you." Father Mulcahy added.
"I really hope so." He ran a hand over his face. "Margaret, would you mind getting the rest of B.J things ready for tomorrow?"
"Of course," she replied, clearing her throat a little.
"And Father, could you see if there any food around?"
"Be glad too." He headed out the tent.
"Anything, I can do?" Potter asked.
"I don't know...Maybe get in touch with Sidney? He won't be able to get out here before B.J leaves but he may be able to talk to him over the phone."
"Could we delay B.J's flight home until after Major Freedman has chance to come here?" Margaret suggested.
"Not a good idea." Potter shook his head. "I think the sooner B.J sees his little girl, the better."
"I agree..." Hawkeye added.
"Well, what about his Father?" Margaret asked. "Maybe we should talk to him too, so he knows what to expect when B.J gets home..."
"Couldn't hurt." Hawkeye glanced at the Colonel for his opinion.
"Okay, I'll go make the calls." Potter nodded. "Pierce, I'll be around if you need me."
"Thanks, Colonel." Hawkeye said, watching as his CO left the tent.
"Here, B.J might need these." Margaret held out a blue bathrobe and a wash bag that she had packed earlier.
"Thanks," Hawkeye took hold of them and picked up his own things. He was glad to see the rain was beginning to stop as he hurried towards the showers, hoping B.J had listened to him and had gone there.
Once Margaret was alone, she sat down on the chair that was next to the still and looked around sadly. It had been such a long day, one that made her feel tired and suddenly a lot older then she did that morning. Even though, she was ashamed to admit it, a part of her was a little bit envious. B.J would rather die then live without his wife; that is how much he loved her. While Donald didn't even love her enough to stay faithful.
XxXxX
A hour later, B.J was sleeping again while Hawkeye sat beside his cot, watching him. They showered in silence and when they returned to the swamp, he just led down and went to sleep; all his energy drained away from him. Although, he didn't speak, Hawkeye was relieved to see that he had seemed to calm down a little.
He felt exhausted himself but knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. There were too many emotional running through his body. He surprised at how sad he felt. He never met Peg before but he felt like he was grieving for someone he had known for his life. Maybe it was because he was never going to meet her...B.J was more then a friend to him, he was his brother, in every way apart from blood. He wanted to meet the woman that he loved so much.
His eyes shot back to his best friend when he mumbled in his sleep but he didn't wake. Hawkeye felt guilty too, because he hadn't been there for him. When B.J needed him the most, he ran away because he couldn't face seeing his friend hurting so much but he wasn't going to let that happen again. He was going to do everything in his power to make sure his friend made it through this.
TBC
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