We Will Make It in the End Chapter 6, a mcleod’s daughters fanfic

Well...here's Part 6...

Part 6

The week after Alex and Tess had first gotten together was one of the hardest I've ever had in my life…and not only because it was hard to see them together constantly which reminded me that I had lost the only man I'd ever really loved to my sister…without even telling him about my feelings…it was also because I felt lonely like I had never done before.

With all of Alex's other girlfriends he had always found some time for me as well…but with Tess…it was like he didn't notice me at all anymore. Of course I saw him daily…but we never really talked…not like we used to. We said hello and talked about the weather and the farms…but that was it.

Not that I really wanted to hear about Tess what Alex had told me about all his other girlfriends…but I couldn't help but wonder if he was comparing her to me like I knew he had done with his previous women…

And the noise that came from Tess's bedroom at night didn't help make things any easier either…

The night after she and Alex had gotten together Tess told me that Liz was probably not very pleased that she was with him now…and that she and Alex therefore had decided they wouldn't spend any time together on Killarney while his parents were around.

So Alex had spent every single night on Drovers since then…and every night I could hear that Tess and Alex were not only talking…although her and my room were not exactly door to door the old house wasn't and still isn't really all that sound proof…

It was because of their constant laughing and giggling and other sounds at night that I first started to blame my constant tiredness, that had set in by the end of the week, on them rather than suspect anything else…I couldn't sleep at night so I had a really hard time keeping my eyes open during the day…

While I was busy working out on the farm I was fine…but as soon as I rested somewhere I felt my eyelids get heavy and had to fight for consciousness…once Jodi even caught me out in Skinny Jim's leaning against a tree fast asleep in the middle of the day with my lunch half eaten in my hand…I think Jodi was too shocked to see me that way to even think about making fun of me…lucky for me she never told her Mum how often I was yawning or closing my eyes for a few seconds during the day or Meg might have figured out what was wrong with me a lot earlier than she did in the end…and I'm not sure that would have been a good thing…

The other thing that really made me mad at Tess and Alex was that I just couldn't get up in the morning anymore…

I had never ever in my whole life had any problem with getting up early to do my work…and all of a sudden I was sleeping through my alarm and didn't want to get up at all…all thanks to the two lovebirds a few doors down…or so I thought…because the Sunday exactly one week after Tess and Alex had officially began dating, Alex had to go to Adelaide for three days to sort some business out for Harry…it would have usually been something Nick would have done…but he was so busy making plans for Wilgul that Harry had sent Alex…

And I was glad…finally I would get my sleep again at night and wouldn't have to catch up on what I missed out on during the day…and I needed it. After a week of not sleeping more than 3 or 4 hours every night I was knackered…I felt like I had been run over by a tractor not once but at least 5 times…

So Sunday night I excused myself right after tea and went to bed at 7 pm for the first time ever since I had been a little kid…sure, I did usually go to bed earlier than normal people living in the city probably would have gone…but 7 was even early for me…and I slept through all the way till 7 the next morning…and I would have probably slept a lot longer still hadn't Tess come to see if I was alright…I had once again missed the ringing of my alarm clock…

So for the first time ever since Tess had come to Drovers she actually had to wake me up instead of me making her jump out of bed…she was teasing me about it for months after that!
That morning I blamed it on my need to catch up on sleep that I had slept a total of 12 hours and was still feeling rather tired during the day…not as bad as the week before but still more than usual.

But when all of this didn't stop in the next few days I was seriously beginning to think something was wrong with me…I couldn't tell what but something just wasn't right…by Tuesday I started to have a little weird feeling in my stomach when I got up in the morning…but that went away as soon as I had filled the very same with some food…at first I thought I was coming down with a stomach flu or something on top of it all…till on Thursday something that Meg said to me got me thinking…thinking really hard.

I had just come in from feeding the horses and sat down at the breakfast table when Meg placed my breakfast in front of me as usual…eggs, bacon, sausages, toast…nothing unusual…I had that every morning.

Like all the other mornings before I was feeling not quite right in my stomach so I started on the toast first which I knew would settle the feeling and get my hunger out again…it had been like that the last two mornings as well…

So I picked up the toast and nibbled on it as I heard the kettle beside me snap off…and since Meg was busy with the breakfast for the other girls that hadn't come back in yet I got up with my toast in hand to fill the cups that were already prepared with instant coffee…and Tess's coffee maker with the real stuff…

The smell of the instant coffee already made my stomach turn but as I was filling the jug for Tess's real stuff up with water and the smell of the freshly grounded coffee beans hit my nose I felt the sudden need to turn around and put my hand over my mouth…

"You alright Claire?" Meg asked me from where she was standing at the stove and I could feel her look at me worried…

I couldn't quite answer yet because I was afraid the little bit of toast I had eaten would come right back up again so I only nodded till after a few seconds I felt a little better and could actually mumble "I'm fine…"

I walked away from the offending smell and took a couple deep breaths all under the worried looks of Meg till I had myself and my body in control again and could actually take the hand away…

"What's wrong Claire?" Meg asked again and I could only shrug my shoulders

"I don't know…" I said and at that time it was the truth "But something about Tess's coffee just smells bad…are you sure it's still good?"

"What do you mean…smells bad?" Meg looked at me confused.
I shrugged my shoulders again "I can't really say…it just doesn't smell like it usually does…"

"Well the coffee beans looked fine when I grounded them a few minutes ago…" Meg moved over to where the mugs and Tess's jug was and smelled at the brown fluid "Smells alright to me…" she told me and looked at me "Are you sure you're alright Claire?"

"Of course I am! Why shouldn't I be?" I was a little harsher maybe than I had wanted in the first place…but I just didn't want to think about the possibility that something could be wrong with me…I couldn't get ill now…I needed to work with Blaze!

Meg got back to the stove and took the pan with the bacon off and filled the rest of the plates with it "I was only asking Claire…" she said while doing so "You've been a bit pale and tired lately…and with the coffee just now…" she put the pan in the sink and looked at me "I know it can't be because I know you weren't out with anybody lately…and please don't get mad at me…but the only time I felt like this was when I was pregnant with Jodi…"

I took in a sharp breath…could it be? No! Or could it? Maybe…

I felt Meg's look on me as I was thinking and knew I had to cover up…I needed to know if it even was a possibility first before I would be able to maybe talk about it…

So I said "Well…that can't be it then…since you pointed out I haven't seen anybody…"…Except Alex…I added in my thoughts… "I'm just tired because those two wouldn't let me sleep last night again…"

"Sure…" Meg shrugged her shoulders and sat down at the table. It was true…Alex had come back from Adelaide the day before and had spent the night on Drovers…but for once I hadn't heard a thing from Tess's room…probably because I had already been fast asleep by the time the two had come up…

After Meg's comment had gotten me thinking really hard I really didn't feel like breakfast anymore…I wanted to check if it was even possible that I could be…I didn't even want to think about the word at that point. I couldn't really remember the last time I had had my period right then and there…I would have to look it up…

In that moment Jodi and Becky walked in from outside…I was still standing where I had gone after Tess's coffee had made my stomach rebel…arguing about some film star they both liked, sitting down at the table, diving into their food…when Tess and Alex walked in from the other side…and I felt the urgent need to get out of the kitchen…

So I quickly went over to where I had been sitting, put the bacon on the remaining piece of toast and practically ran out the door my sister and Alex had just come in mumbling "I've got to go through some papers…" and leaving a few confused faces behind…

My feet took me into the study where I had my private calendar in one of the drawers of Harry's desk…it still hurt to see the modern piece of furniture there instead of Jack's old desk…

I placed the toast with the bacon on the wood and pulled the desired drawer open…and always hoped that I had written down my last period because I have to admit I was not always accurate with that…it happened quite often that I simply forgot or was too busy to write it down and later just couldn't remember when it had been. I was always up do date and meticulous when it came to the books concerning the property…but when it came to me I never really paid much attention to what was going on…maybe I should have…

I checked the pages and went back in time, praying I'd find the mark soon…but it never came…I had really forgotten to write the date down…how should I find out now if it even were a possibility that I was…I still didn't want to think about that word…if it was true it would be about the worst thing that had ever happened to me…and it was all my fault.

But how should I find out? It was not like there were any home pregnancy tests lying around on Drovers…and my memory just wouldn't cooperate with me…

I don't know how long I sat there in the study looking into space with a pounding heart, wrecking my brain, moving around dates…I only realised it must have been a long time when Tess walked in and asked me "Found the papers you were looking for?"

"What?" was my first reply…then it hit me what my excuse for the run from the kitchen had been and I said "Oh…yeah…"

"You ready to go then?" she wanted to know and I looked at her confused.

"Ready to go where?" I asked her…which got me a weird look from my sister.

"Get the sheep back out to Skinny Jim's?" Tess said frowning "You wanted us to do that while Becky and Jodi check the fences near the national park…Oscar's already saddled up and I was waiting for you…"

"Oh…right…yeah…we can go…" I sighed and started putting the things away that were scattered around the desk to cover up for not really doing anything but staring when Tess had come in "Could you go and saddle up Blaze for me, please? I'll be right out…"

Tess was still frowning but nodded and finally left mumbling something like "She's getting stranger every day…" before she disappeared…

I took one last look in the calendar and then put it away telling myself if I wasn't…I would really start paying more attention to my body and write everything down…

I was just about to leave the study still wondering how on earth I was supposed to get hold of a pregnancy test without the whole town knowing right away when the phone rang…it was Kent Peterson from the bank in Fisher telling me that the new cheques for the Drovers account were done and if he should send them as usual or if I would be in Fisher any time in the near future.

At first I wanted to tell him to just send them as always…till it hit me that this was probably my only chance to do that pregnancy test in the anonymity of the city…Nobody really knew me there…

So I told him I'd drop by the next day and get them and hung up…now thinking about what I wanted to tell the others why I had to go into Fisher alone…

In the end I only told them that I had to sort some business out with the bank and took the Merc early the next morning to drive the three hours to Fisher...hoping that Meg hadn't been right with her suspicion…

I had spent another rather sleepless night…though this time not thanks to the lovebirds…I hadn't been able to stop my brain from thinking till I had finally been too exhausted to keep my eyes open…

What if I was? What would I do with a child? How should I tell Alex? What would Tess think…Tess…I couldn't tell her…it would break her heart! She hadn't mentioned anything about trying to get that café she had wanted with the money I had given her almost two weeks earlier…and the thing between her and Alex seemed to be going quite well…if she ever found out I was…and that Alex was the father…it would kill her…

All the way to Fisher I kept telling myself not to jump to conclusions…there was till a chance I wasn't…although after playing with the dates in my head last night it had dawned on me that that chance was rather slim…

I went to the bank and picked up the new cheques and then went to search for a chemist as far away from the places I usually went in Fisher as possible…

I found one at the other end of town…but couldn't bring myself to go inside. I don't know how long I stayed in the car but when I finally found the courage to go inside my heart was beating so fast it was almost popping out of my chest…

Thankfully there was no other customer in the shop when I went up to the counter and asked for two pregnancy tests with as much of a clear voice as I could come up with…I had figured I wanted to take two just to be on the safe side…

The assistant asked me if I knew which test I wanted and I must have looked really helpless because then she just went away and left me at the counter only to come back a minute later with a couple boxes in her hands…

I ended up buying three different tests…all said to be quite accurate…and then going on a search for a loo to take them…I needed to go anyway so that came in handy…

Finding a loo where I knew I wouldn't run into anybody that might know me proved to be a lot harder than the chemist…I didn't want to go into one of the pubs or use the facilities of the service station since they were the usual meeting points when people were here from my area…so I just kept on driving…

When I was a good half hour outside of Fisher I took a small road that didn't look like a busy one and finally stopped when I saw a couple bushes at the side up the bank…that would have to do…

I unpacked all three tests and read the instructions of what I had to do…I had read about it but had never before done one of those myself…it seemed quite simple so I got out of the Merc and behind those bushes with the three tests in hand and did what I had to do…and then I had to wait…3 minutes for the blue test, five for the pink one and ten for the greenish blue one…

I sat back into the car and placed all three tests on a tissue on the passenger seat face down and waited…

The minutes seemed to turn into hours and with every second that I saw tick off on my watch my heart beat faster and I felt more and more light headed…

When three minutes were finally up I took the blue test and turned it around inspecting the result, picking up the instructions for the test, comparing what I saw…

Was that a second line there? I couldn't tell…if it was it was rather thin…I wasn't sure…maybe I needed to wait a little longer? But would I get through the rest of the ten minutes without dying of a heart attack?

I sighed and simply put the test back to where I'd gotten it from…I should have brought a book to distract myself…but then again…I was probably way too nervous to concentrate on anything anyway…

When my watch told me it was still five minutes to go I couldn't take it anymore and got out of the car to walk around…the tests really wouldn't finish any sooner if I kept staring at them…or at my watch…

I walked up the bank again to where I had gone behind the bushes and looked around…I had been way too distracted thinking about the instructions earlier to take in my surroundings…I was almost standing inside what seemed like an empty field on the top of a hill overlooking a valley a small river had formed…I could see the river in the distance…

The sight of the beautiful nature around me calmed my heart down a bit…but it also got me back to the thoughts again about what I would do if those tests really turned out positive…

The thought that there might be a tiny human being inside of me scared me to death…I had no knowledge at all about babies or children...would I even be able to care for a child? I had grown up without a mother and therefore had no clue how to be one…so far the thought about having children had never even crossed my mind…so…did I want to keep it?

I looked down at the river and suddenly I saw something that I hadn't seen before…there were people down there…and behind some trees there was a house…and there were kids playing in the yards and a man and a woman watching them arm in arm…and then I realised that if I really were pregnant the child would not only be a part of me but also a part of Alex…and I knew that if it really was there I wouldn't be able to kill it…

So that meant keeping…but how would I tell everybody? As soon as I told them I was pregnant Alex would find out as well…and he'd know right away it was his…and Tess would find out as well…and it'd break her heart…no…I couldn't tell…no yet…
I looked on my watch…the ten minutes were finally over…time to check if I had complicated my life even more or if I'd just gotten a scare…

I opened the door to the passenger seat and slowly picked up all three tests without looking at them and closed my eyes for a second before I slowly turned them around one after the other…

I looked at the blue one first…the second line had gotten a lot thicker…that meant positive, right?

My heart jumped and I had to take a deep breath before I looked at the second one…the pink one also clearly showed a second pink line…so I quickly looked at the last one and yes…there was a plus in that one window…

I had to swallow hard and take a couple more deep breaths as I felt the world start spinning around me…so Meg had been right…

I had to sit down in the grass beside the road because my knees suddenly felt like pudding…all three tests still in hand. I had to look at them again as if to check if I had really seen correctly and hadn't hallucinated after my thoughts about Alex just a few minutes before…but yes…all three still looked very positive…I was pregnant…I was really pregnant…

Now I didn't care about time anymore and my brain felt completely empty except for one sentence…I'm pregnant with Alex's child…and he's my sister's boyfriend now…

I don't know how long I sat beside that road or what finally made me get up and back into the car again…I can't even remember how I actually got back to Drovers but today I think I was probably lucky I didn't have an accident because my thoughts clearly weren't focussed on the driving…all I did was repeat that sentence in my head over an over again…
It only stopped when I saw Drovers appear in front of me as I drove over the hill…and I had to stop the car…

The three tests were still scattered over the passenger seat along with their wrappings and instructions…I couldn't let anybody see that…they would know right away…and Alex and most of all Tess would find out…I couldn't risk that…

So I stuffed the three plastic sticks into my pocket and went searching through the glove box if there was something inside that I could put the wrappings in so nobody could see them…but I found something even better…a lighter…

So I burned everything else and made sure the little fire I had made was out again before I got back into the Merc and drove the rest of the way home…

I parked the car and went inside the house, glad that nobody was there…I put the cheques from the bank into the study and then went upstairs into my bedroom and put the plastic sticks into the drawer of my bedside table…for now they were safe there till I found a better place…

I don't really know how to describe it now but for me all this felt like I had somehow left my body and was watching me do all those things from somewhere beside me…it didn't feel real…I guess you can blame it on the shock…

I kicked my boots off and threw myself on the bed, rolling up on my side, one hand under my head…I was tired now…all I wanted to do was sleep…forget for a few hours that nothing would ever be the same again…

So I closed my eyes and felt sleep overcome me…the last thought on my mind before I drifted off was "How on earth did I get myself in this mess…" 6