JACKSON
The visit to the lawyer's office had left me completely drained of all the energy in my body.
Even though they had offered some words of positivity, insecurities were still playing through my mind. The Avery family lawyers were some of the best in the city and I was well aware of that. My mother would have nothing less than the best. There was some power in that. Plenty of power, actually. If this case had to do with anything other than my own daughter, I probably would have had full confidence in the outcome being in my favor. Malpractice, or whatever else, it would have been no big deal. But this was everything. Alexandra was everything to me. Nothing would change that.
But I'd have to pull it together in order to get through all of this, I knew that. My mom wasn't going to let me mope around, and it would have been counterproductive to everything else. I'd have to put on a face at least for tonight, and the next two weeks while I waited for the first hearing. Or at least, when I was dealing with anyone else who was related to it.
Walking into my apartment, I was surprised to see that my mother was already there. I figured that she wouldn't be over until a little later in the evening. Usually, she came around Alex's bedtime. She was always running a little late when it came to personal matters, the opposite to her professional life.
"Hi, ladies," I greeted them, forcing a smile. "Hi, bitty-boo." I made a beeline for Alex, needing to hold my daughter for just a minute to try and bring things back inside my head. There is some instant gratification.
"How did things go?" Catherine asked me immediately.
"It was okay," I answered, holding back a sigh. "They confirmed that it's Meredith who's suing for primary custody. Supposedly Lexie said something to her about it before she died, but never to me. Mer thinks that two parents and siblings are making them a better fit."
"That's a load of crap," April snapped out. She was far from wrong about it. It was bullshit.
"Yeah, it is," I agreed.
Going off in front of the two of them about how I feel felt on the matter didn't seem like a great idea. I needed a minute to try and gather my thoughts but I knew that wasn't going to happen. April stepped forward to place Alex in my arms, somehow able to get at least a piece of what was happening in my head. I accepted her eagerly, lifting her up and kissing the top of her head.
"I see your girlfriend and you are already on the same page," My mom said, looking between the two of us.
We were something, but we weren't officially a couple. "We're– Mom, that's not important right now." I shook my head. I was interested in being with her, of course, but that wasn't at the top of my mind. I didn't want to make April uncomfortable, especially knowing the type of presumptuous path my mom was likely to go down. She always jumped to conclusions, especially when it came to the people in my life. She'd been a little controlling here and there, always meaning well, but certainly nosy.
"April, thanks for watching her. Do you mind if my mom and I talk about this alone?" I asked.
"No, of course not." She smiled at me but it looked tense. "I'll go home now. I'll see you later." I turned to his mom for a moment. "It was nice to meet you, Catherine."
I walked her out the door and shut it behind her, wishing that I could have a moment of silence but I knew that it wasn't going to happen. My mom was going to want to talk about this and there was no way to beat around the bush when it came to her. She always got what she wanted, one way or another.
Shifting Alex up in my arm, I paused just a moment before turning back around to face my mother, running my hand over the back of my head. I loved my little girl. I would do anything for her.
"So, what did they really say?" She prompted. I turned back around.
"What I just said," I answered, moving to sit down while holding Alex and motioning for her to do the same thing. "Meredith thinks that she's better fit to raise Alex. I don't know if what she said about Lexie is true – if she did, Lexie never said anything like that to me," I explained, wetting my lips. "They have Zola. I know that she and Derek are good parents and good people, but this is completely out of line for them."
"They can't be that good of people if they're doing something like this," my mom disagreed.
I sighed. Fair enough. "Still, that's not the point." I set Alex down on my lap so that she was facing out, hands on her sides. "I don't know if they have a real chance. The lawyers said that I would be fine. It's just… infuriating to have to go through this in the first place."
"You two are going to be just fine," Catherine moved so she was sitting next to me on the couch, playing with Alex. "I know that much. We don't pay those lawyers what we do to lose, and they barely have any footing to stand on with this kind of case. You are her father. I raised you right. There is no reason in the world that anyone but you should have primary custody of her. She hasn't got another parent, and no one else will be raising her as a parent." She insisted, looking me seriously in the eye.
"You're probably right," I admitted. "But I still don't feel good about this."
"Well, you don't have to feel good about it," she countered. "Just know that you're going to win it one way or another, baby. Focus on this and her. This is the one time you have my permission to bump down work on your list of priorities. Don't let anything distract you."
I knew that she'd been skeptical about the time that I had taken off. "She's always my focus, Mom," I countered. "And I know that you mean don't let April distract me. You're not subtle."
"That's not what I said." Her eyebrows raised.
"But it's what you meant." I pointed out.
"Maybe," she quipped, going down the innocent act. "I stand by what I said. Now I know Lexie wasn't the one for you. You did the right thing by stepping up when she told you that she was pregnant, and I am proud of you for that. You've done right by her. You shouldn't restrict yourself from happiness because of how you feel about her passing. But, all that being said, the last thing you need is to be distracted by some girl."
April wasn't just some girl. My mom may not have known that, but I did.
"This isn't why you're here," I reminded her, containing a sigh. "April's a good person. She's not a distraction – not from Alex or anything else. She knows that Alex is always going to be my first priority as a parent. This isn't a conversation that I need to have with you." No matter how she tried to push it upon me.
"Well, I suppose it's time for me to go." Catherine declared.
At least I wouldn't have to be rude about that.
"Yeah, I need to get Alex in bed." Keep it civil, keep it about her.
Standing back up against with Alex, I walked her to the door and exchanged a quick kiss on the cheek with her before letting her out. I shut and locked the door behind her, letting out a sigh, grateful to have a moment alone.
"C'mon, bitty-boo." I kissed the top of her head. "It's time to take a bath and get you to bed."
Baths were one of Alex's favorite activities, to my partial relief. She never put up a fuss when it came to getting in one, but the same could not be said for getting out. I take my time getting her cleaned up, unable to keep a smile off my face. Even if she loved it, she did always manage to get sleepy. She only cried out a little bit when I finally took her out and dried her off, getting her into her pajamas.
"Atta girl," I cooed at her as she rested her head on my shoulder, my hand soothing up and down against her back. I was tired. Emotionally so more than physically. I held onto her for a few minutes longer than I usually did before placing her down inside her crib.
"Ba-ba, ba-ba," she babbled against my chest, just barely coherent. I smiled.
"That's right, I'm your Daddy." I encouraged her. "Are you going to be good, bitty-boo, and go down without fussing too much for Daddy?" I spoke to her slowly, a hand remaining in her crib and tugging her sleep shirt over her tummy completely.
Big eyes stared up at me. Although her eyes had been blue when she was born, they had become darker since she was born. She looked like me in a lot of ways, but those were Lexie's eyes.
"Goodnight, sweetheart," I whispered, grabbing the baby monitor and closing the door.
Getting into the shower, I take longer than usual to just stand under the stream of hot water and try to release some of the tension of my day. Truthfully, it doesn't do any good.
I collapsed into bed, barely taking the time to get under the sheets. Alexandra was quiet on the other end of the baby monitor, no doubt sleeping peacefully. Haven't gotten a good night of rest all week, up with the thoughts of lawyers and the trial. Even if it was still almost two weeks away from today, I knew that it was going to continue eating away at me. I wanted to talk to Meredith or Derek, even though that had been advised against. I just wanted all of this to be resolved.
My phone buzzed and I turned my head to glance at it, realizing that it was April texting me. She'd slipped from my mind, admittedly, after pushing her out. My mom was good at getting inside of my head. I didn't want her or the trial to negatively impact April or her life.
Brunch would be good. Casual, with Alex, and good.
The plans for Sunday made it a little easier to get through my Saturday – grocery shopping and other supplies like diapers for the week, grabbing some melon for Alex to try as I integrated fruits into her diet of solid food.
My weekend isn't completely miserable, and I owe credit to April for that.
No matter what effort I make to try and be early, well, my daughter always makes sure that I'm either just on-time or late. Diapers, spit up, or general fussiness, there are plenty of different options for what could slow me down on any given day. Today, it's a disaster of a diaper that leads to a deep clean up and a complete outfit change. One day, I'd look back and laugh.
A knock on the door that must have been April occurred right after I finished changing her. Not the worst timing in the world. I just needed to grab her bag and I would have been over at her place in a minute.
"Hey," I greeted with a smile. "Sorry, I'm running a little late." I apologized immediately.
"It's fine," April brushed off, stretching up and kissing me on the cheek casually, as if it was something she'd done a hundred times. "Hi there, cutie-pie." She greeted Alex.
"Ba-ba, ba-ba," Alex babbled incessantly.
"And here I was, thinking I was special because she called me that." I joked letting out a laugh that she echoed. "Let me just grab her bag and car keys and then we'll be ready to go."
When she gave a nod of her head, I headed back to the nursery to grab her diaper bag, double checking that everything I might need was inside of it. I grabbed my wallet and phone, pocketing both items, then getting my car keys with a spin of the ring around my pointer finger.
"You ready to go?"
"Uh-huh." She nodded.
We took the elevator down to the parking garage in the basement and I guided her to the car, unlocking it so that she could get in. I got Alex settled into her car seat where she gave a little fuss, mostly just fists in the air instead of crying out, handing her a stuffed elephant and hoping that it would calm her down slightly. Once she was tucked away and secure, I got in the front seat and backed out of the parking space, beginning to drive to the closest Panera.
Unexpectedly, April was quiet in the car. I like that she was a little bit of a chatterbox, usually. It was a nice break from the less than adult conversation that I got with Alex. I glanced over at her, noticing the tension in which she held onto her purse.
"Everything okay?" I asked.
"Yeah," she breathed out. "It's just been a long time since I've been in a car, that's all. I usually bike or take the train or bus everywhere." She explained, wetting her lips.
I reached over, placing my hand on her thigh and giving it a squeeze. "It's okay. I'm a good driver, I promise. I've got too much precious cargo in here not to be."
"Thanks," April glanced over at me with a soft smile, placing her hand on top of mine.
It was a short drive over to Panera fortunately, and it's not long before I'm parking and getting out of the car to get Alex out of her car seat. She was much happier getting out of it than she was going in, keeping the elephant stuffed animal firmly in her grip as I picked her up. I caught April smiling at her in a daze, reflecting the exact expression right back at her.
It's a little crowded at this time of day but we were at least ahead of the church crowd, ordering and sitting down with two cups of coffee and an apple juice. We picked out a booth in the back corner and I get Alex in the highchair, beaming with a little pride as she sits up on her own.
"Were things okay with your mom the other night?" April asked, sipping at her coffee.
"Yeah," I sighed out the word. "Yeah. She's noisy but she means well. I'm sorry if she made you uncomfortable with anything that she said – either while or before I was there." Knowing her, it was likely.
"She didn't," she answered quickly, shaking her head. "But I can definitely see the noisy thing."
I shrugged. "She's been that way my whole life. I'd say that you get used to it, but… even I don't entirely know if that's actually true," I admitted with a chuckle. "But she was a great mom, she really was. And now she's a really great grandma to Alex." I would give her credit where it was due. Even if she occasionally drove me crazy, I owed her everything.
"That's good," she nodded as she spoke, tearing open a sugar packet and dumping it into her coffee. The spoon clicked against the ceramic cup as she stirred it, still looking up at me. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," I responded.
"What your mom said, calling me your girlfriend… Am I your girlfriend?" April asked.
Yeah, should have seen that one coming.
I didn't know what to tell her, primarily because I didn't know what she wanted to hear. Did she want to be my girlfriend? I knew that there were plenty of complications when it came to dating as a single parent and even though I knew that she liked me, she liked Alex, it was still quite a bit. I took another deep breath through my nose, buying myself a few more seconds as I attempted to formulate a civil and neutral answer. But there was no point in that. Not really.
"Given that we haven't talked about it before, I wouldn't call you that directly," I started hesitantly. "But if this is you're way of telling me that you would like to be my girlfriend, then yes." Put the ball back in her court, let her have control.
"Well, I don't want to be… overbearing or seem to clingy." April commented, her bottom lip catching between her teeth. She was playing the same game I was.
Before I could get another word out, the server came with our plates of breakfast. For once, I'm not quite so relieved with fast service. Even if I had given Alex a bottle before the house which meant she should have been on decent enough behavior, she could still get occasionally rather fussy when it came to eating. I didn't venture out with her in public much.
"You're not," I said the moment that the stranger was out of earshot. "Trust me, you're not."
She smiled softly. "I like you a lot, Jackson. I know we haven't known each other very long, but I do."
"Well, I like to think that I'm pretty easy to like for the start." My comment was half-teasing, offering her a big grin as I pulled apart Alex's food into smaller bites, feeding her one. "But don't worry, so are you. I haven't had a good friend like you in a while." I admitted. "But, to be honest, my life is about to get a little complicated with this trial stuff, I'm sure. And I don't want you to end up caught up in the middle of it, for whatever reason. You deserve better than that so I understand if that's going to be an issue for you." It was too easy to imagine that with most people, it would be one.
"That's not going to deter me, Jackson." April started, brows furrowing. "Relationships are kind of defined by their ability to get through the crappy parts, right? I mean, it can't be all good. It shouldn't be all bad, either, but, balance is what I'm getting at." She rambled slightly, stumbling over her words. "As long as you want me around, I will be here for you."
"Really?" It's not that I don't believe her, but instead, I need some kind of confirmation for her words. They were nearly too good to be true. Or maybe she just really was that good of a person, tongue-tied or not.
"Really." She confirmed with a nod of her head.
"Thank you." Reaching across the table, my hand met with hers and I gave a gentle squeeze, just a small sign of appreciation slipping through. There was a part of me that wanted to say more, but I didn't quite have my words to express the gratitude for her.
Truthfully, she had no reason to be quite so good to me, as far as I could tell. Sure, April was a nice person. The kind of neighbor that seemed reliable if you were out of sugar or flour or something, absolutely. But she had gone out of her way to be kind to me. I wanted to find some way to try and repay it for her, make sure that she got back the good karma that she put out into the universe.
The conversation takes a slight lull as we begin to eat some of the food that we had both ordered. When she offered to help feed Alex some of her food, I was surprised but let it happen. My baby girl didn't take it any easier from April than she did from me, but at least she was trying.
"So, and I'm sorry if this is annoying, but–"
"It's not." I interrupted before she could go down that train.
"Right. I just want to be, like, one hundred and ten percent clear about this. We're dating?" She asked.
"Yeah," I chuckled. "We're dating. I'm going to start calling you my girlfriend."
"Great," April beamed. "I was really hoping you'd say that. One of my coworkers was bugging me the other day – I don't know how she figured it out, but that woman is like a mind reader. I think she might have offered to kick your butt if you said no." She laughed.
I let out a laugh of my own. "Well, I might have at least needed my head checked if I'd said no." I shrugged.
"Okay, so, remember how I said that I don't want to be overbearing? I'm going to reiterate that. I don't want to be overbearing. Or pushy. Or whatever other synonymous words that you or I can come up with. But I do want to ask something that's a little… you know, forward, for the sake of clarity." There were her nerves again. She wore them just as openly as she wore her heart.
"Go ahead," I encouraged with a nod of her head.
"So, Alex… you've got the custody battle that you're going to be totally fine with, I know that. But like, outside of that, just… how do you want me interacting with her, you know? I'm not her mom. Obviously, I'm not her mom and I know that. I've just never dated a parent before." She said, wide eyes looking at me.
That was a completely reasonable question from her side of things and yet, I wasn't prepared to give her an answer. Even though Lexie hadn't been the love of my life, she had still been the mother of my child and there was so much profound respect to be had for her because of that. She had literally given up her life for this little girl. I knew that I would raise Alex to know what had happened, that she had loved her that much. But she wouldn't have a mother – not in the sense of one who took care of her every day, who bathed and dressed her, who helped deal with her curly hair. That hurt to think about. But I would have hated the idea that I was replacing Lexie. And I knew it would have been used against me in court.
"Yeah, uh, you're not her mom." The words are a little more abrasive than I intended. "But, I mean, if you're my girlfriend, then ultimately she's going to be a part of your life because she's a huge part of my life." I wet my lips. "So saying that, do you still want to be my girlfriend?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "Yeah, I do."
As if able to tell we were talking about her, Alex yelled out. "Ba-ba, ba-ba!" She insisted, tiny fists banging. The plastic spoon that she fell off the table on April's side and she immediately reached down to grab it. The spoon hadn't been getting any use in the first place, given that Alex would only eat solid foods if it came from my hands or hers.
"The first trial date is not this Wednesday, but the next," I explained. "There's a chance that it could get thrown out if the judge doesn't see anything in their case." I took a deep breath before asking. "Would you be willing to go with me?"
"Of course," April answered quickly with a fierce nod of her head. "Of course, yeah. Whatever you need."
She was a woman of her word, that much was certain.
The rest of the brunch flew by with lighter topics. It turned out that April wasn't much of a cook – she ate out a lot and apparently had taken advantage of the fact that Panera now delivered a little more than she should. I knew software development could be a lucrative business, and she probably made a decent amount from working at Microsoft. Plus, well, she lived across the hall from me. It wasn't insanely expensive in the building, but it wasn't cheap, either. I wasn't going to ask about that, of course.
"Maybe we could take a cooking class together," I suggested as we drove home. "You know, something a little fun – get both of us out of the house. I'm not particularly great at cooking either."
"That sounds like a good idea," she nodded. "I'll see if I can find something."
By the time that we get back to our apartment building, I'm trying to decide if it's appropriate to invite her over for the rest of the day. I don't know if she had any plans and there's no subtle way of asking.
With Alex on my side, given that I hadn't messed with the fuss of a stroller for just a meal together, I paused when we stopped outside of our juxtaposed doors. Before I say anything, though, impulse takes over me and I leaned down, pressing a firm kiss on her lips. My girlfriend's lips. It's a hell of a lot nicer thinking of it that way. A few seconds passed before our lips finally broke, and I lingered down near her.
"I, uh," April started. "I guess I better leave you two to it."
"Yeah, alright." I grinned as I straightened up, running my tongue across my lower lip. "I'll see you later this week?" My eyebrows rose up with her words, relaxing when she nodded.
"Definitely."
I waited for her to go inside her apartment, returning the last little smile that she offered me. This was something good. A piece of light that my life had been missing out on – coming from something different than what Alexandra offered me. Different, but still important.
When Alex goes down for a nap, I spend my time looking up more information for the case, scanning through everything I could. I knew it was the job of the lawyers, but I needed something to fixate on, whether it was good or bad. When she's up, everything was about her – as it usually was. t makes the day go by fast, and I'm worn out and ready to go to bed early the next day. Work didn't stop for my exhaustion.
But at the same time, work did not distract me from my worries. Not in the way that it usually did. Instead, I get paged down to the emergency room early in the day for a head and eye injury, leaving me stuck with Shepherd in the O.R.
At first, it's silent.
No doubt it was just as tense and awkward for him as it was for me. It was better than being stuck in here with Grey at the moment, sure, but not by much. They were married which meant he was ultimately playing a role in all of this too, even if Meredith seemed to be the main offender. Despite what my lawyers recommended, I couldn't stay quiet.
"So what's the deal, man?" I blurted out, briefly glancing up at him.
"About what?" Derek asked, playing dumb.
"The custody suit. It's been seven months. Lexie never said a word about wanting you guys with primary custody. So what's the deal?" I offered the minimal explanation, trying to keep myself in check.
"You know that we really shouldn't be talking about this." He warned me.
He was, of course, right. But Meredith wasn't here. Nor were any lawyers.
"I know," I nodded slightly. "But I want to talk about it. We're friends. Or at least, I thought we were friends, but I guess I was wrong about that. I've known the both of you for years now and I would have never expected something like this to come along. It blindsided me." I admitted, taking a deep breath that's a little noisy with the surgical mask on.
Derek paused what he was doing, shifting his weight uncomfortably between two feet. "It was Meredith's idea," he admitted, confirming my suspicions. "And I don't entirely agree with it." At least he wasn't completely an asshole. "I think you're a good father."
"Thank you," I breathed out. "But that doesn't really answer my question."
"Meredith says that she thinks it's what Lexie would want. Lexie was big about the whole sister thing. We have Zola. I think that's what she's trying to get at, at least. I don't entirely understand it but, I'm sorry, I'm not going to get in her way. You know how she is. Stubborn as can be. But most of the time, she's right."
"Not this time." I countered without missing a beat, gaze lifting up to glare at him from across the patient. So much for thinking that he wasn't a complete asshole because there he was again.
"Maybe," he shrugged. "But she's going to try anyway."
"And you've talked to your lawyers about your odds?" I questioned, brows drawing together. He nodded his head and I fell quiet for a moment, shaking his head, having to wonder if they were saying the same thing that mine was.
"It's nothing personal, Jackson." Derek tried to insist.
"It's my goddamn daughter." I blurted out. "Of course it's fucking personal. You've had Zola for months and the both of you still can barely do her hair. Do you really expect me to not take this personally."
It's probably debatable whether or not the jab at the both of them was deserved. At the moment, though, I don't regret it coming out of my mouth. Zola's hair wasn't always great and I knew it was because neither of them had experience when it came to black hair. Sure, they'd gotten better and learned some, but they weren't perfect parents. To insinuate that I was somehow worse of one just because it was me on my own, instead of me and Lexie, was pissing me off. There was no way that I was going to be able to handle this calmly.
I finished up the rest of my portion of the surgery in silence, working quickly so I don't have to stand there across from him for much longer. I don't sacrifice the patient's care, but god, it was hard to stand across from him and pretend like I wasn't absolutely fuming on the inside.