I rolled onto my stomach reaching out unconsciously for Jane's cold body, but she wasn't there. For a second I forgot why – forgot how I'd pushed her away – forgot how I told her I changed my mind. It didn't have to be this way. I didn't have to tell her I was interested in getting back with Allie. It was a lie and we both knew it, but I felt like I needed to give her a reason. I couldn't look into those watery green eyes and tell her what was really holding me back. Jane would just convince me it was going to be okay, and because she was my ultimate weakness I'd believe her. I'd willingly let her wear me down.

"Ugh." I groaned, flipping over and glancing at the clock on my bedside table.

She should be here, should be wrapped around me, instead I was alone nursing the beginnings of a massive hangover. How could I tell her that seeing her in that dress had wiped all thoughts of Allie from my brain? Slipping the wedding ring on her finger was the one and only time I'd ever considered the possibility of marriage. But I couldn't tell her that – couldn't tell her that it never even crossed my mind to drop the ring in her hand.

I flipped back onto my stomach, burying my face in her pillow. Today had been a strange swirl of emotions: excitement, fear, sadness. For one day I allowed myself to imagine Jane as my wife – and it felt good. Too good. I closed my eyes, trying vainly to stop thinking of her. Pretending to be her husband had been all too easy. And maybe that was part of the problem. The possessiveness of her body, the easy flirtation, the dancing – all of it had come so naturally.

It was obvious I wasn't going to sleep until I spoke to Jane, made it up to her, made her understand. Not even a week ago she'd told me no one had ever let her down. I hoped she was in as forgiving a mood. After the call from Mayfair, effectively ending Jane's housewarming party, we all ended up at the hospital. That was the moment I knew I couldn't do it. I saw Patterson receive the news, saw her breakdown, and I knew I never wanted to be on the receiving end of that call.

So I pulled away, I went home, I drank. A stupid decision, one I wouldn't have made if I could stop picturing those eyes. I could only imagine how she felt after being treated like a yo-yo. One minute I was telling her we needed to be impartial and the next I was soaping her long limbs up in my shower. Our relationship was complicated but I was making it harder than it had to be.

I wasn't the type of man to make a commitment lightly. I weighed each decision carefully, I followed my gut, and I didn't look back. So what are you doing? What was I doing? I groaned again, throwing her pillow across the bed. My gut said all the choosiness over the years was for a reason – in Jane I'd finally found my match. Now I just needed to make the commitment. It wasn't going to be easy, Jane was my weakness now, but I had to find a productive way to deal with it. Or else I'd be putting us both in danger, just like Zapata suggested.

Jane wasn't at her desk or in the locker room. She wasn't talking to Mayfair or training in the gym. And just for a moment I felt a sense of panic – maybe she'd taken my words to heart and took off. Except the agents assigned to her protection detail area already checked in. I was about to call them in to help with the search when I finally found Jane in the evidence locker. Her eyes were a little puffy and she had her back to me like she hadn't even heard me come in.

I admired her for a moment as she dug through her box – playing with the zipper of the bag we found her in, flipping over the tag instructing whoever found it to call the FBI. She was plagued by guilt; I could see it on her face.

"What are you doing down here?"

She could barely look at me as we talked. It took every inch of my self-control not to lift her up onto that table and kiss her until she stopped talking nonsense. I told her not to blame herself, not that it was any use; Jane would do what she wanted. It was one of the things I loved about her. God I wanted nothing more than to kiss those trembling lips, but I knew that wouldn't go over well without an apology. Instead I took her hands in mine, and was more than a little grateful when she didn't pull away.

Jane didn't hold a grudge like I did. And for that I was eternally grateful.