I wasn't going to do it.

Some balls he had, thinking that it only took three stupid pieces of paper to convince me he had feelings that went beyond lust.

That stupid dark haired bouncer. He was probably lurking at the outside of the pool in that ridiculous uniform. He'd probably rip the pastel coloured uniform if he moved those bulky arms too much. It was like containing a wolf in a fluffy sheep onesie. It wasn't right.

He shouldn't look so inconspicuous when behind that sweet ice cream-selling exterior a cocky, brute collection of dangerous muscle was hidden. The mothers had no idea that the ice cream vendor could probably crush their skulls with the slightest of effort.

Perhaps I was being unfair. After all I'd only once seen him direct that anger towards someone and it had been to protect me.

But he could become angry when drunk. Thomas had seemed like a good natured boy who happened to have muscles. That was until I refused to have sex with him when he got drunk. The memory made me shiver.

Going for a swim had at least taken my mind off of it for a bit. I'd finally done it. I had finally reached the distance I wanted to be able to swim without touching the bottom of the pool a single time. Now the only thing left to do, was getting faster.

I felt elated. Excited. Happy perhaps. And so not a single thought crossed my mind as I walked out of the pool to go towards our bungalow.

Until the sounds of laughing children and chirping crickets was suddenly drowned out by two high pitched female voices and two male background vocals.

No.

Honey I'm still free, take a chance on me.

Oh God, no.

If you need me let me know.

Fuck.

I looked up once I got past my original bafflement. The tall man was approaching me with his trademark grin.

'Now you're just being dramatic.'

He grinned and fell on one knee.

'Have you received my messages?'

'Yes. It appeared you had some difficulty with the rhyme.'

'I did. But I thought it good enough for a first attempt at poetry.'

'Wouldn't pursue a career in it.'

'I'll take that advice to heart. But can I pursue you though?'

The music was still playing in the background. And he was still sitting on a knee. Already three persons had paused to watch us. Without context, this looked like the most extravagant promposal or proposal. He wouldn't let me get away without an answer. I could feel my heart racing as my palms got clammy. Too many people were watching. This situation was out of control.

'Fine. Tonight at six at the pier you said?'

He raised his eyebrows.

'It was only a suggestion.'

'Fine. I'll come', I replied before walking away at high speed.

He can't come for me. He has to work.
Don't turn around, keep on walking.

Once I was at the bungalow I let out a big breath of relief. The audacity he had!
Who did he think he was? Some Romeo, writing poetry to me and making grand public gestures? Who did he think I was that it would work?
Who did he think I was that those things might work?
Who did he think I was that I was worth all of that effort.
He shouldn't be spending his time on me. He had two jobs, surely, he had more things to worry about than a girl he barely knew. Why make grand gestures for someone you've only spoken to for five minutes?

It was senseless.

I shouldn't encourage that kind of behaviour. He was being ridiculous. Life was tough and this was all just a ridiculous amount of effort for a stupid summer fling. These things only happened in my silly novels and movies. But there they were within context: they weren't meant to make sense. They were meant to offer escapism. In those stupid books nobody had a family or job to consider, nor debt or any of the kind. Romantic gestures were just silly. They might look cute but they were stupid. Just like all the women in romance movies dumping their relatable stable boyfriends for the boys they'd met no more than a month ago. In most cases the boyfriends they left had no other bad quality save for prudence and realism. And that's what we needed in life.

If you picked a bad partner just because of "feelings", what did you have? A strong attachment that could die? Relationships were about partnership. Something stable, shared moral values, work ethic, both had to make sure they stayed financially afloat. It wasn't romantic but it was life. That was real. This wasn't. Cassian wasn't.

I wasn't going.

'I'm surprised you came!' The muscled man laughed as I approached him near the pier. His hair was loose and in the white shirt and ripped jeans he looked about as unthreatening as possible, while still being so abnormally tall and muscled.

'I made a promise. Assumed you would keep on buggering me if I didn't show up.'

'Now now, I don't give up easily but there is a big difference between not giving up and forcing myself upon someone. If you truly hadn't wanted me, I would've taken the hint and respected that.'

'And how would you have known the difference? I never explicitly took your bait.'

'But you did, you're here. And I never explicitly asked you out before today.'

'Did I seem open to your advances in the club or any other time we encountered each other?'

'Not really, but you might just be awkward in public. That's why I wanted you one on one, but still in a public space.'

'I am awkward in public. Matter of fact, I hate being the centre of attention.' I remained silent for a couple of minutes, as the meaning of my words hopefully reached target. They did, the tanned man scratched the back of his head. 'I see, I apologise. I didn't really know. So, are you just doing this because you are afraid that I will try to do something in public again?'

'I'll give you my answer after this "date".'

He laughed after I used air accolades and started walking down the beach. It wasn't really crowded anymore. Just a couple of people letting out their dog or walking along the shoreline. We walked in silence for a couple of minutes. It was almost weird to have him silent. We hadn't spoken a lot but he was so clearly someone who loved to break awkward silences and fill rooms with his thundering voice.

'You got any lakes where you're from?'
'We do, but not close to where I live.'
'You like to swim, though?'

'I did, but that's got nothing to do with where I live. I used to be a competitive swimmer back when we lived in New York. This holiday was one of the first times since we moved that I got access to a pool for a prolonged period of time.'

'That explains why you so religiously visit the pool.'
'I missed it.'

'I don't know what to do with the restless energy in my hands when I don't go boxing for two weeks. I just feel so impatient, like something clawing under my skin begging to get out. Can't imagine the feeling of not being able to practice a certain sport for years.'

Yeah, he kind of looked like a boxer. His nose certainly looked like it had fallen victim to many a punch. It was cute though, how he tried to relate. He was much… calmer, than she expected him to be. His big exuberant energy, not much unlike that of an energetic child, seemed significantly… More under control.

'Yes… But it's still different from water. I did tracks in New York, and I was able to continue that where I lived. I feel a slight frustration if I haven't sported in a long time but it's unlike swimming. It was mostly dormant while I didn't practice it, though I sometimes thought about it. But returning to the water… It felt like homecoming, being able to immerse myself fully in that cool water. Feeling the resistance of it against my movements, the smoothness. No bathtub in the world can offer that experience.'

'Yes… But it's still different from water. I did tracks in New York, and I was able to continue that where I lived. I feel a slight frustration if I haven't sported in a long time but it's unlike swimming. It was mostly dormant while I didn't practice it, though I sometimes thought about it. But returning to the water… It felt like homecoming, being able to immerse myself fully in that cool water. Feeling the resistance of it against my movements, the smoothness. No bathtub in the world can offer that experience.'

'Yeah, I suppose flying and swimming are unique in that prospect. Nothing can quite equal the sensation.'
'Flying?'

'Yeah, Rhys used to take me and Az gliding when we were younger. It was a mighty feeling. We all got our license but well, it's an expensive hobby and we don't have the time… But man, to feel the sky, to feel that machine shake when you hit… I can't describe it. The terms I'm gonna use probably mean nothing to you. It's silly, flying is still unlike the bodily sensation I guess', he said as he walked into the water, the underside of his jeans getting soaked. I stayed a solid foot away from him, careful not to walk in the sand in which I could loose my footing.

'Why did you invite me?'

'I was waiting for that question. I knew you weren't someone who'd beat around the bush.'

'So?'

Cassian laughed and stared at me in a way that I didn't get. Almost as if he was wondering how I couldn't understand why he'd asked me. 'Not to boast, but I get plenty of offers from girls. I'm not desperate. I just like you.'

'So it turns you off when a girl initiates contact?'
'I don't, sometimes it's nice. Don't go spinning my words into things they are not. I can't help it, but when I see something I like I just feel the need to chase it.'
'Why me?'

'Why not? You're pretty, stand-offish, and you got wit. You caught my interest.'

'Is that enough to base a relationship on?'

'No, but except for the rare few who find their partners between their lifelong friends, nobody gets to know everything there is to know about a person before dating them. For me, knowing what I know about you is enough of an incentive to get to know you better. I'll see where this will take me.'

How cliché.

'In the best case it'll take me to your bungalow.'
'Dream on.'

Wait.

'How do you know we rented a bungalow at the resort?'
'Rhys told me. And he got it from Mor, who's constantly training with your sister.'
'Training?'
'Yeah, for the dance competition in which she shall replace her?'

So that was the reason for Feyre's absence. I wondered why she would take up dancing. Feyre never danced. What could be the reason for her sudden interest?

'And she's gonna dance with… Who exactly?'
'Tamlin. Wait… She didn't tell you?'
'Feyre's secretive.'

The blond instructor. Weird, here I thought she was interested in the black haired boy she kept gawking at. Interesting.

'Now is the moment we should start making comments about the gorgeous sunset and blabber about secret desires and past hurts.'

I threw a glance towards the lake. The sky was indeed turning hues of pink and yellow.

'Go ahead, if you're so determined to pretend this is a Hallmark movie.'
'Come on, you know you'd like some good old fashioned romance.'
'What's the point?'
'Why does there have to be a point? It's a summer holiday. It's fun even if it's just for a couple of weeks.'
'I call that useless.'

Cassian remained silent. Didn't he get it? Pragmatism is necessary. What is the use of joy, love and lust? What did they provide but a fleeting feeling which was only to be mourned once you undoubtedly lost it? A summer fling wasn't worth the heartache or time, that time could be spent on useful things.

The sky changed colour. The dreamy pinks chased away the baby blue sky. Now it was dyed in a dark blue hue. Only a small amount of fiery orange fought to remain on the edge of the horizon.

My gaze lowered. Cassian was staring at me, five feet away. Time had most definitely passed by. How long had he been waiting? How long had I been staring? Not too long, surely.

'Why are you so dead-set on the use of things, as an admirer of beauty and enjoyer of tranquillity?'
'Because –'

I felt caught. He wasn't supposed to get this close. He was probably just assuming things, based on just a handful of events. I could just shake off his assumptions. I didn't owe him an explanation. But it were the boldest and most perceptive statements I'd gotten thrown my way in a long time.

That's what annoyed me about him. He was too perceptive. Too sharp-eyed. He seemed to notice everything where I was concerned. It made me uneasy, despite the fact that he literally didn't do a thing wrong. He didn't get too close. He didn't presume. He hadn't touched me unless necessary. The only thing he'd done wrong was the big show this afternoon, though I wasn't going to forgive him for that, there wasn't much else I could blame him for. Except for his character. But blaming him for his directness would be quite hypocritical.

'Let's go', he decided, accepting that there wouldn't be an answer.
'Go where?'
'I believe you'll like it. It's just five minutes from here. You like some competition, right?'
'Depends on what kind of competition.'
'Just a friendly game', he laughed as he started walking away from the water.

At the fair Cassian stopped near an attraction, turning back to me with a big toothy grin on his face.

'Well, what do you think?'
'Bumping cars?'
'Well?' he laughed raising his palms as he inched closer towards the attraction.

Beating Cassian? Damn right I liked the idea. He liked being in charge. And he looked like he could win every fight. He probably wasn't used to losing. I could just imagine him to be a sore loser.
'Game on.'
'Yes!' He exclaimed while jumping in the air.
'You won't be that ecstatic once I beat you.'

'You think you're going to win?' Cassian huffed.
'No more and no less than you think you're going to win.'
'Are we going to make a bet?'
'I wouldn't know what to ask of you if I won.'
'Pity, I did have something in mind.'
'Let's see who wins, and we'll figure it out from there.'
'Deal.'

We hopped into our neon coloured cars once he'd paid, at his own insistence. After a full hour of chasing each other, bumping into one another and almost getting a whiplash, I had bumped Cassian for a total amount of 43 times and he'd hit me 45 times. The difference between our scores had never been larger than five points and I'd given him a tough time, despite not having been in this attraction since my early teens. He'd won, fair and square. Maybe I would've beaten him if I had done this more often.

'Can I say I've won the bet?' He asked as he untied and redid his hair.
I sighed, feigning annoyance. I would be pleasant for once. 'Alright, go ahead. But don't gloat, you didn't win by that much.'
'I won so I want you to… Grant me dates until I can make you laugh like you did in those cars.'

I almost physically drew back. I wished he'd stop being that straightforward. It was too confronting. Sure, I wasn't a happy-happy smiley-smiley person, but it just sounded plain sad that he thought it would take multiple dates before I laughed again. It felt too intimate, too caring, too personal, to ask such a thing.

Too close.

'So all I have to do is laugh, and you'll leave me alone?'
'Or you discover that you like to laugh.'

Stop it. Too intimate. Don't talk about me like that, like I'm broken and you can fix me.

A clap back, I needed a clap back.
I needed something snarky and mean, to put some distance between us.

I couldn't do this. I'd struggled for so long to live under water, pretending my emotions were above it. I'd rather continue suffocating than taking a breath and realising what I'd been living without. It would only make me realise I'd been drowning for years.

Something pulled me back to reality, a warm hand holding mine. He'd come closer. The tan hand kept holding mine. Why? I'd blinked. He knew I was back, he was perceptive enough to notice.

My heartbeat was raging. What had he said again? I needed to answer him because otherwise we would continue this nonverbal contact and that was just… just…

Don't look up. Don't look into those stupid gorgeous Amber eyes with too much emotion. You don't have the strength to resist him when he is this close. What was he thinking? I'd been silent too long, he was probably worried or something. Crap.

Please Cassian, drop it, you've seen enough of me by now. He knows I consider summer romances stupid.

'Nesta?'

Great, now I had to look up.

Our eyes connected. I still couldn't find my voice, yet my hands were more than willing to convey a message I didn't want to send. Or rather, I didn't want to allow myself this, for a number of logical reasons.

I would hate myself for this, but I realised my mind was losing the battle.
My free hand was on his upper arm, and his free hand was somewhere on the top side of my back.
His thumb stroked my thumb of our entwined hands.

'It's fine', he whispered.

Where I thought my heartbeat was racing before, it now seemed to have stopped entirely. And God, it was just like in those stupid silly books. I could indeed feel the electricity and inevitability of what was going to happen.

He bent forward, and fire erupted.
The voice in the back of my head was thrown in a corner as my body took over, grasping for his hair and skin. I kissed him like a drowning man struggling for air. Each kiss ignited more energy in me to go in for a new one. His body felt so solid all power escaped my legs as I clung to him.

I was showing too much at once, more than I even knew I had inside of me. I didn't know I had been this desperate for human touch. Shouldn't have been a surprise after over four years of barely touching anyone but for a fleeting shoulder pat or quick hug.

The voice came back from her corner as shame flooded me. I'd gone too far and I couldn't take it back. He'd seen too much and now I couldn't pretend it hadn't happened.

'No no, Nesta, please.'

'Please what?' I snapped as I looked him straight in the eye.

'Don't do this. I can just see the gates closing in your eyes.'

He didn't have the right to any part of me behind those gates.

What lay behind those gates was dark, troubled and private.

He shouldn't see.

He wouldn't.

I didn't need anyone.

'I'm leaving.'

'What- Nesta!'

'Goodbye Cassian.'

'Is it something I did?'
He looked lost and confused, and not a small part guilty.

'Just to be clear: I don't hate you.'
It seemed to confuse him more than alleviate his concern, but I didn't care.

I needed to be in control, and right now I wasn't.