Chapter 6
Kakashi woke up in the middle of the night. It took him a minute to realize that he was alone in the bed. He turned his head towards his original bed expecting to find Sasuke only it was empty. Kakashi looked around trying to find the time it was just after 3:30am. Kakashi got up and headed towards the bathroom. He knew he would find Sasuke there. Though, he expected to find him trying to wash the blood off his hands.
When he opened the door he didn't expect to find him like this. He was sitting on the side of the tub, his head was down, his hands were gripping the side of the tub and he was trembling. He didn't even look up when Kakashi came in. It was all too much for him to handle anymore. He had that nightmare again it always had this effect on him he couldn't handle seeing that. The other nightmare he had gotten use to it, in a way, but that nightmare he could never get use to.
Kakashi made his way over to Sasuke he bent down in front of him. He didn't know what happened, but Kakashi had a feeling that it wasn't from the same nightmare. Sasuke never had reacted this way before so Kakashi knew something was different about this nightmare. Gently trying not to scare Sasuke Kakashi spoke softly.
"Sasuke talk to me what's wrong?"
"I can't"
"Yes you can you need to talk about it. Come on Sasuke tell me."
"I can't get them off of me."
"Get what off?"
"His…"
"His what Sasuke?"
"His hands"
"Who is he Sasuke?"
"The bad man"
Kakashi couldn't believe what he heard. Sasuke had said 'The bad man' it reminded him of what a small child would say. This had Kakashi believing that this bad man had something to do with Sasuke killing. It also meant it all happened when Sasuke was just a small child. Kakashi needed more information he had to get it out of Sasuke.
"Sasuke talk to me what happened?"
"That nightmare"
"The same one from last night?"
"No it was that nightmare."
"What's that nightmare Sasuke?"
"Happens once a month his hands never go away. I can still feel them all over me."
Kakashi moved his hands to Sasuke's arms. He slowly began rubbing his arms, then his chest and finally his legs. Sasuke didn't understand what Kakashi was doing. Once Kakashi finished he spoke.
"The only hands on you right now are mine not his. It's only my hands on you, what did you see Sasuke?"
"I can't"
"Yes you can you have to. If you want that nightmare to go away you have to talk about it."
"Promise?"
"Yes I promise talking will make it better. What do you usually do to make it go away?"
"I cut"
"Well let's try talking and if you feel like you still need to afterwards then you can."
"Okay"
"Okay, what did you see?"
"Blood there's always blood"
"Where is the blood?"
"Everywhere the walls, the floor, on that table. There was always a lot of blood. It to took so long to clean up. I was so tired it just kept spreading all around."
"How did all that blood get there?"
"My blood or their blood"
"Who are they?"
"Victims"
"Who's victims?"
"The bad man's… and mine"
"How old were you?"
"Different ages"
"When did it start?"
"When I was three"
"And it ended?"
"I was seven"
"So how could they be your victims Sasuke when you were so young?"
"Because I killed them"
"What did the bad man do?"
"He hurt them"
"How?"
"Tortured them"
"What did he do to you?"
"He… he would make me watch."
"Did he ever hurt you?"
"Yes"
"Like he hurt them?"
"Yes"
"Is that how his hands got on you?"
"No"
"How did they get on you Sasuke?"
"I can't"
"Yes you can you're doing so well Sasuke. You can do this just tell me how his hands got on you."
"He…"
Sasuke's shaking had gotten worse and now with the memories he began to hyperventilate. Kakashi moved his hands back to rubbing Sasuke's arms.
"Calm down its okay take a deep breath, it's only my hands on you not his. His is long gone Sasuke it's just mine."
Kakashi had already figured out that Sasuke was raped. He needed Sasuke to say it though; so he could finally feel the relief of saying it. Kakashi could tell that Sasuke's never said it out loud. This was all too much for Sasuke he was breaking right there in front of Kakashi slowly.
"Just take some deep breaths to calm your breathing down."
Kakashi knew that they were done for tonight. Sasuke had done good though, Kakashi now had some answers. He wasn't going to push Sasuke Kakashi didn't want him to break. He honestly didn't know if he could put him back together if he did. Slowly Sasuke's breathing went back to normal. He was still shaking though.
"I'm proud of you that was hard for you to do. In time you'll be able to talk about the rest of it."
"I need to cut I need to make it stop."
"Make what stop?"
"The shaking, the images god the images won't go away. All those people the begging the blood everywhere."
Sasuke was starting to hyperventilate again. It just was too much for him to take. Kakashi went and brushed the hair out of Sasuke's eyes and put it behind his ear. He left his hand linger on the back of Sasuke's neck. His thumb gently rubbed Sasuke's left cheek. Sasuke closed his eyes his body was exhausted he just wanted it all to stop. Sasuke lowered his head and placed it on Kakashi's shoulder.
"I just want it to stop."
"I know it's going to get better. We're going to fix this just give it a little bit of time."
"I can't do this."
"You can do this. Sasuke look at everything you've survived through. You can do this, but you're not doing this alone. We're doing this together you're not alone."
"Okay"
"Now what do you normally use to cut?"
"It's in my pocket I grabbed it after that nightmare."
"Aright you can do a few"
Sasuke gave a nod and moved his hand into his pocket. He pulled out the small razor blade that he always uses. He moved the wrist band from his left wrist. He always rotated wrists so he always had a place to cut. Taking a shaky hand he brought the razor blade to his left wrist. After taking a deep breath and tensing his right hand to stop the shaking he began to cut. He dragged the razor blade across his wrist. The blood poured out as he dug the razor deep as he went across.
"Hey not so deep it's just to take the edge off."
The next three weren't as deep as the first was. After that Kakashi placed his hands gently over Sasuke's to stop him from doing anymore.
"That's enough we need to get it so you don't have to do this. It's not healthy nor is it safe."
"It's been so long I've always had to do this."
"One day you won't have to. I'll clean your cuts then we can go downstairs and try to get your mind off all of this."
Sasuke just gave a nod and Kakashi got up and started to clean his wounds. Once they were clean and the bleeding slowed down Kakashi wrapped some bandages around his wrist. Sasuke pulled his wrist band back over to hide all evidence of his weakness.
"Alright let's head downstairs unless you think you can sleep again."
"No definitely can't sleep."
"I thought so let's go."
Sasuke just gave a nod and followed Kakashi out of the bathroom. They walked downstairs to the living room. Kakashi cheeked the clock it was close to five in the morning. He went and turned on a light and went over to the book shelf. Sasuke sat down on the couch he didn't know what Kakashi was going to do. All of this was confusing and scary on some level. Sasuke never got comfort before he didn't understand why Kakashi would bother with him at all.
Kakashi walked away from the book shelf after finding what he was looking for. He sat down on the couch leaving one spot between them. He then took the cards out of the box and began to shuffle them.
"Do you know how to play poker?" Kakashi asked
Sasuke just gave a nod as Kakashi began to deal five cards each.
"Alright five card poker, no wilds and you get to trade up to three cards."
Sasuke picked up his cards and took a look at them so did Kakashi.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"You can ask me anything Sasuke."
"Two cards, why are you doing this?"
"I'll trade in one and we're playing cards to try and get your mind off the nightmare."
"One card, I know that, but I meant in general. I just don't understand why you would help."
"I'll play these, you're twelve years old Sasuke you're not a killer. Despite what you may feel and believe you are not a killer."
"What do you have? I am a killer I murdered people innocent people that makes me a killer."
"No it makes you a victim. I got a straight"
"Royal flush"
"Hm…do you now Blackjack?"
"Yes"
Kakashi began to shuffle the cards. He picked cards, because he wanted to see Sasuke's IQ. Blackjack would be perfect to try and test it.
"I'll be the dealer. Why do you cut?"
"Hit me, it's just… growing up I didn't have control over anything. I ate when told, slept when told I couldn't stop the pain he pt me or them through. Cutting though was the only thing I could control hit me."
"Why did you start?"
"it happened by accident one day. I was cleaning the blood off the weapons and it had slipped and cut me. Hit me"
"You're at nineteen and you want a card?"
"Yes"
Kakashi flipped the card over and sure enough it was a two.
"21"
"Beginners luck let's try again. How did it make you feel that first time?"
"Hit me, it was different I waited for the pain, but it never came. For one second I didn't feel anything at all. Not the pain I was in, nothing. Split em, after that I thought I wouldn't feel like that again. A few days later, hit me, I felt like I couldn't breath it was all just too much. It happened a lot where I would get that feeling, hit me. So out of curiosity I grabbed one of the clean razor blades and put it against my forearm and did a small scrape. That's all it was at first, but then it became not enough I had to do more I had to go deeper to get the same affect. Hit me"
"It's like a comfort to you basically."
"21 and ya I guess it is. The thing is I hate doing it."
Kakashi shuffled and dealt again.
"Why do you do it if you hate it?"
"Hit me, I don't have a choice anymore I need to do it. I tried to quit but it makes me shake and not function right, after a few days go by and the nightmares pile up I give in. Once I do though its like for a few moments I can breath."
"You'd only feel that way for a week though it's just withdrawals. Your body is programmed into believing that it needs it. Unlike substance abuse though, your withdrawals are easy to go through and forget about."
"Hit me, how do I forget about them?"
"By replacing cutting with something positive that gives you the same effect. You can also try meditating to quiet all those thoughts in your head and be at peace for a little while."
"21, Itachi taught me how to mediate I just never had the chance to do it growing up so I just gave up."
"Now you have the time maybe you should try it."
"Hit me. Will I ever be able to talk about what happened?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"21, Ya I just I can't get the words out."
"You will in time you will, did you ever think you could talk about hat we have talked about?"
"No I guess you're right I just need to hold on a little longer. Hit me"
"It'll take some time but we'll get you there."
"Blackjack"
"Okay how are you doing this?"
"I'm counting cards"
Kakashi couldn't believe it he was counting cards and doing it perfectly.
"Sasuke what's your IQ?"
"I can't tell you"
"Why not?"
"Because being smart is bad."
"Did the bad man tell you that?"
"Yes"
"Being smart is a very good thing Sasuke. It's very important especially in the Ninja world. We need smart people to lead squads and strategies; the more intelligent the ninja the higher the chances of a low mortality rate. What's you IQ Sasuke?"
"I can't tell you."
"Yes you can you can tell me."
"No I mean I really can't I've never been tested."
"Would you let me test you?"
"How?"
"You would just go and write a test, results come back within a few minutes."
"If it comes back high you're not gonna…"
"Gonna what Sasuke?"
"Hurt me?"
"Sasuke I will never ever hurt you physically never. Do you hear me you never have to worry about that. If it comes back high or low it doesn't change how much I care about you."
"You promise?"
"I promise"
"Okay I'll go"
"Good it's important to know. Now it's almost time for everyone to get up so let's go upstairs and start to get ready. We have a long trip back ahead of us."
Sasuke gave a nod and got up. They headed back up the stairs to their bedroom. Sasuke woke Naruto up and then started packing his things up so he was ready to leave. An hour later everyone was up and ready to go. Once again Sasuke has skipped breakfast which didn't please Kakashi, but he didn't say anything. After they all said their goodbyes Team Seven was on the move to go back home to Konoha.