Chapter 6: Even Deeper
-FLASH-
I'm back in the office, trapped in that horrible sensation of helplessness, and I know what's going to happen, and it's going to be awful.
I didn't even notice him enter.
"Everyone on your knees, hands in the air!" He yelled, waving a gun around. It looked so much more sinister in real life.
"What's going on?" Grace cried in horror.
BANG!
He shot her, gods, he killed her!
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and the chaos descended like that.
"You killed her!" There was so much chaos, so much panic.
"SILENCE!" he screamed, and fired a round into the roof. Everyone shut up.
"You… yes you, get up." He pointed to a new girl, a young one. I didn't know her name.
"P…pl…please … d…don't… kill m..me!" Tears of fear rolled down her face.
"I won't," he grinned, and I saw the echo of insanity in it, "-you're going to be the lucky one. You're going to go outside, and tell them if they send anyone, anywhere close, I'll shoot the hostages one by one until they leave."
-FLASH-
I woke up, gasping and disorientated, with the strangest sensation of being unreal. I half wondered whether I was dead, before the aching, fuzzy feeling kicked in properly. The bitch eyebrows had drugged me! By the time I was allowed out, I had a deep hatred for eyebrows, a deep remorse for what I'd done to Duo… and the feeling that my soul was being torn apart, and it wasn't altogether an unenjoyable feeling. It was like I was sinking even deeper into nothing.
I was 'escorted' to Dr S' office.
"Ryuji." Dr S acknowledged, and I shuddered, remembering my dream.
"Call me Otogi, please." I said huskily, annoyed to hear the plea in my voice. Dr S looked unnervingly into my eyes, as if she could read everything about me, before deciding not to question me about the name.
"Why don't you tell me what happened with Duo?" Dr S invited, emotions hidden.
"I screwed up." I admitted. Dr S looked at me. Even Deeper, she seemed to say.
"He… invited himself into something I was unhappy about, and I lashed out." I muttered, feeling like a heel. She stayed silent.
"I wanted him to hurt like I was. I was cruel." I continued, loathing myself more with every realisation.
"What happened with Dr Catalonia?" Dr S asked.
"I hate her!" I spat savagely, surprising both of us.
"I'll never tell her anything about it." I finished, a little more calmly.
"It?" Dr S clarified.
"Haven't you heard about not naming your fears?" I laughed hollowly, watching her eye me as if I was something wild and dangerous.
"To give them a name is to give them a foothold in your world… like the monster hiding under your bed." I elaborated, seeing her nodding to herself.
"Did you have a monster under your bed?" Dr S asks, her busy pen pausing.
"Yes… but the monster is inside me this time." I look her in the eye, and she leans back, considering me again.
Before I left, Dr S stopped me at the door.
"Are you going to apologise to Duo?" she asked, and I answered truthfully.
"I will try."
I found Duo in Relena's Kingdom, joking and playing the fool. When he saw me, he froze, the only moment he let the mask drop.
"What do you want?" Relena asked coldly, glaring at me.
"To talk to Duo." I replied. Noin's eyes narrowed as Duo walked warily over to me. Relena started to say something, most likely something about how much of an asshole I was, but Duo held up a hand and joined me.
"Let's walk." I suggested, and feeling their eyes burning holes into my back, I led him towards the garden in silence.
When we got there, I sat, Duo following my lead.
"I'm sorry." The words lay heavy on the air, and I wasn't brave enough to look at Duo's face.
"It's ok." Duo's joker mask was back on. I owed him more than that.
"No it's not. I was being cruel." I met his eyes in seriousness, seeing that he understood me.
"I hated you then; for being happy, for trying to make your life work." I admitted, looking away again.
"I know." Duo said quietly.
"What happened to you?" I asked before I could stop myself. Duo, not unreasonably, looked at me warily.
"Sorry, ignore that." I said uncomfortably, mentally kicking myself.
"My parents were drug addicts. I was an accident; born addicted to drugs. I was put on a program at birth to wean me off of them, and my parents couldn't take care of me. My mum died when I was one, my dad skipped out and a neighbour found me. I was hospitalised for a month. After that I bounced through foster homes that were too short of funding, too needing themselves to be able to properly provide for kids. And then… then I had sex, and for that time, I was with someone so intensely that they couldn't distance themselves from me, couldn't run because we were joined together." Duo revealed.
I pitied him, because I'd had such a good life. I was sure this revelation barely touched on the horrors he concealed.
"I had everything. I was content with life, because I was doing something I loved- I could take pride in it. I was never as good as Kaiba, but I understood my life, my employees. I figured love would come later, and I was content." I didn't even know what I was saying, but dimly I realised I'd caught Duo's attention.
"And then he came. At the time, I had no idea what was going to happen when I signed the cheque. I signed the death warrants of five people. Five people who came in and trusted in me. I killed them." I paused, hearing Duo's breath drawn in.
"He shot them because of me. Because of me, the white hallway was painted in blood. It was everywhere. They had to repaint the walls. I can still smell it. And it was all my fault." I gave a little laugh.
Duo didn't say something stupid like pretend it wasn't my fault. Silence fell for a moment.
"I won't tell." Duo stood, looking out across the gardens.
"Neither will I. Thankyou." I replied softly, promised, and he left me on the lawn, remembering.
That's the thing about happiness; it never lasts.
Look deeper, even deeper.
And if I don't like what I see…?
It's too late to take it back.