Chapter 5

You're Just a Mess

-Bella-

"Gross, Bella. You and Edward. Really?" Alice cringes at the thought. "I do not support this coupling."

"Ick. Who said anything about coupling?"

"Emmett. Though I wish he hadn't," Alice shakes her head as if she's trying to clear it. "There was something about you being half naked in the kitchen this morning. And then something about you and Edward making a bet?" Alice laughs as we drive towards Port Angeles to do some shopping. We both wanted to get out of our houses to have some girl talk without her brothers or Charlie bothering us.

"Yeah. All thanks to you and your big mouth," I chastise her.

"My big mouth?" Alice scoffs. "As your best friend, I am beyond insulted by that. You have the biggest mouth ever. You would have told him anyway. My guess would be somewhere in the middle of the fuck and run. Which, I repeat, eww, that is ten different kinds of nasty."

"I'd prefer not to call it a fuck and run. And like you so eloquently said, eww, he's your gross brother. But speaking of fucking and running. How was Jasper?" I smile, thankful for the change of subject.

"That wasn't a fuck and run," she said softly. "It was a fuck and fuck again." She shrugged. "And you know, probably again tonight."

"You have a date!" I shout.

She furrows her brow. "I guess," she shrugs.

"That was fast. You didn't even really officially break up with Tyler and you've got a date," I tease.

"So who is this guy?" I question.

"When me and Edward were juniors in high school, Emmett was a senior. We went to a prep school in Alaska. Carlisle got a promotion at work and worked long and late hours and had to do some traveling and well, he didn't trust us alone that much. We did some…pretty fun things while he was away for a while and it wasn't so fun when we got caught." I would like to hear these stories. One day I will have to ask her about them. "He thought we needed the extra attention and strict rules of a prep school. He had his share of problems with us all. Emmett always got into fights. Edward is a pervert. And me… well, I'm me. But Emmett started dating Rosalie. She has a twin brother named Jasper. I never knew they lived that close to us. Probably because every spare moment Rosalie had she spent it fucking Emmett stupid. Literally stupid. If he didn't get kicked out for fighting he would have surely flunked out. And Jasper spent all of his time studying, so I never really got to know him. But Jesus fuck! I wish I had now. That little dweeb is the hottest thing ever. And not so much of a dweeb now." She throws her hands up after her ranting is over. "Okay, enough about my sex life. Back to yours. You fucked my brother?" she shouts at me, still in shock.

"He's an ass." I nod.

"Yes, you've said that. But, eww, you had sex with my brother."

"Ewww," I laugh. "No sex. Almost. But he totally blew it. And then I made a stupid bet and that just gives him a reason to keep harassing me for sex."

"But you almost had sex with him anyway so what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is I can't have sex with him because that's the term of our bet. He wins, we fuck. I win, I don't know yet. But it's going to be good. God, why do you want to know this? He's your brother."

"Adopted brother," she makes sure to remind me. "And I got over those issues when I walked in on him having sex with Lauren Mallory in my bed. That was a horrible night." She shuddered at the memory. "So you want to have sex with Edward but now you can't because you made a bet with him," she summarizes and I nod. "You're stupid. You should have just done the fuck and run."

"I know!" I shout. "Right? That was so much easier. But now, I've got to associate with him for a year, as the terms of our bet state. And I can't have sex with him. And that blows." When was the last time I had a long-term friendship with a guy and not have sex with him? Alice's boyfriends don't count. I'm not the type of girl to do that to her best friend. But honestly, even if he is an asshole, I don't know if this whole friendship with no sex is possible. I don't think it's ever happened to me before.

And don't judge. I'm not a slut. I swear. I'm not a total slut.

Alice lets out a heavy sigh. "I retract my previous statement. I am endorsing this coupling. I can't believe I didn't see it until now. You and Edward would be perfect for each other."

-Edward-

Emmett stared across the kitchen table at me, his face set in the expression of dumb shock. "So let me get this straight," he sighs. "Bella threw herself at you. Like literally was getting naked and ready to have sex with you, no strings attached and you said no. So that you could make a bet with her?"

"Not exactly," I shrug. "I think we kind of made the bet first." I scratch my neck, beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. "It was pretty confusing. I think we kind of talked about maybe making a bet. Then she got naked. Then… I'm not sure, I said something and she got mad and started putting her clothes back on. Then we officially made the bet. But the good news is, I still get to have sex with her when I win the bet."

Emmett reached across the table, I assumed it was to give me a high five so I put my hand up. But he quickly rolled his eyes and smacked me upside the head instead. "That is the single dumbest thing that you have ever done."

"You think I'll lose?"

"Not only will you lose, but she will make you look like an ass. You don't know Bella."

My mouth fell open in shock. "But she'll still have sex with me, right?" I asked hopefully. The whole point of this was to just have sex with her. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I know, I say that all the time. I see a girl. I have sex with the girl. And then when it's all said and done, she looks like just any other girl. And I move on to the next hottest girl ever. But saying it like that makes me sound very shallow. But then again, I probably am. Damn it.

Emmett paused and took a sip of coffee while he thought. "I've known her longer than you so I'm going to help you out here. I'm going to say that you have about a 97% chance of having sex with her," Emmett shrugged.

"Yes!" I shouted, giving a victorious fist pump. I know it shouldn't be a victorious one yet, since I still haven't had sex with her. But if Emmett thinks it's going to happen, then there is a very good chance that it is going to happen. He is a genius. At least when it comes to things like that. He is a master at women. I can get any woman to sleep with me. Well, almost anyone. But my gift is a one shot thing. I get to have sex and then move on. Emmett has the amazing ability to get women to do whatever he wants them to do. He knows what they are thinking. That is why he is always in a relationship. Just like he wants to be. And that is why no girl has ever been able to break his heart. Okay, he has had his heart broken before. But for the sake of my argument, we're going to say all the stuff that happened before his giant growth sprout is irrelevant.

"She might not believe in love. But it seems like she enjoys a good night in bed." Emmett took another sip of coffee. "Plus, the way you guys talk, and by talk I mean argue like 3-year-olds, it looks like you're just seconds away from stripping each other naked and going at it right where you are."

I bounced excitedly in my seat. "Isn't that so hot? I was thinking the same thing! Do you think it could happen?"

Emmett shook his head and laughed. "Ha! Bella is…stubborn. Very stubborn, if she sets her mind to something. There is a very good chance that it will happen. Or not happen, in your case. You'll get her. Just not as fast and as easy as you think, bro.

I could feel my smile fall. "So I'm going to have to wait a year to have sex with her?"

Emmett shrugged again. "Just get her drunk. Seemed to work well last night. Until you fucked it up."

"Do you really think I would take advantage of a girl like that?" Emmett lifted an eyebrow and stared at me. I should have known that he wouldn't buy it. But maybe someone else would. "Did I at least sound a little convincing?"

-Bella-

"Stupid mother fucking piece of fucking shit!" I cursed, and continued to curse a string of obscenities as my truck unexpectedly started to slow. I cut my wheel and barely made it to the side of the road as the engine sputtered and died. "Great! Just fucking great!"

"Calm down," Alice insists.

"Calm down?" I shout and punch my steering wheel. "Calm the fuck down?" Alright. So I think I do need to calm down. There is no need to spazz out right now. But it feels really good to swear. "Fuck me!"

"So that's the problem," Alice giggles to herself. "Don't take it out on the truck." She shrugs. "Just because you didn't get to have your way with Edward." I really feel like slapping the shit out of her right now. I settle for a death glare in her direction. "What?" She asks sheepishly.

"I don't need to have my way with him. Nor do I really want to. He's an ass." Alice rolls her eyes. "What?" I growl. She is dangerously close to getting slapped. Or punched. I haven't decided just how angry I am yet. "I was just going to have sex with him to have sex. It's what I do when I'm bored. You know that." Wow. That really makes me sound like a whore. I swear I'm not. Really. Maybe just a little. "But back to the issue at hand," I groan and let my head fall to the steering wheel. "My fucking truck just died and we're an hour away from home!"

"Call your dad," Alice shrugs. "He'll come and get us."

"We're an hour away and he's at work," I groan, hitting my head against the wheel a few times. That didn't help at all. It just gave me a headache. But at least Alice is quiet. Alice is never quiet. I turn my head and stare at her. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat, purses her lips and looks forward to stare out the window. "What?"

"Nothing," she shakes her head but refuses to look at me. I wait it out. I know she won't be able to stay quiet for long. So I just have to wait it out. "Fine," she groans and looks to me, returning to her normal self. "Just call Edward," she suggests and shrinks back, bracing herself for me to hit her.

Instead, I scramble out of the car and find a private spot to vomit some more. Shit. I should have known that was coming. The vomit and Alice's suggestion. Today sucks.

"Ha!" I laugh while wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and stand up to do my version of the happy snoopy dance. "I happen to know an excellent mechanic. And he's also very eager to… satisfy my other needs." I take Alice's cell and dial Jacob's number. Only issue is, he's not home. He's out with buddies. Fuck me. Nothing about today is going my way.

-Edward-

My talk with Emmett was extremely…confusing. Not at all what I was expecting. And he didn't even have any good advice to give me. He is the expert in women but Bella is acting more like a guy than a girl, so we're both lost. And I don't think going the typical approach for getting a man's attention is going to work. I think that me dressing slutty and being easy aren't going to help my case at all. And besides, she already knows I'm easy.

So I march back up the steps hoping that a shower will help bring me some clarity. But before I can reach the door, my phone rings. Maybe I won't have to think about this too much. She's already calling me. I guess I don't really need extra effort with her. Just extra time. "Hello," I answer with my confidant swagger.

"I need you." Her voice is a deep groan. That is the best way to start a conversation. Ever.

"Am I that irresistible that you've changed your mind already?" I tease.

But that doesn't seem to be what she wants to hear. There is a loud shriek followed by lots of arguing and the rustling of the phone being passed around. "Hey, Edward."

"Hey, Sis." I try to keep from sounding disappointed.

"Sorry. But Bella…will hurt me if I talk about her." Her voice is a whisper and I can hear more yelling in the background. "Bella's truck broke down. Help us?"

I agree. Sure it's not what I was expecting but at least I get to be close to Bella again. Now I have to do some quick thinking. I'm not going to be able to win Bella over if I'm not around her enough. And I don't think that I can count on her truck breaking down all the time.

I take five minutes to prepare myself, another five for a shower before I am ready for the drive, thinking I've come up with an awesome plan. I pull up to the girls and become their knight in shining armor. Bella is sitting in the car, still pouting, when Alice comes out to greet me. "Thanks," she offers.

"What's up with her?" I ask, gesturing in Bella's direction. Her hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles are white. And I can't be sure from where I am but I think a very long string of obscenities are flowing freely from her beautiful mouth.

"Oh, you know how she is," Alice shakes her head. I don't respond, so Alice continues to talk. "She thinks you're an ass. And I agree," she screams at me, hitting me repeatedly in the chest. "You promised, you asshole!" For such a tiny girl, she sure can be terrifying. "Oh yeah. And she threw up again." She looks down and grimaces. "Yeah, I should have told you that first."

I follow her vision and find out that I am, for the second time today, standing in Bella's vomit. This girl better be worth it.

-Bella-

I have to laugh at the fact that this is the second time today that he's stepped in my vomit. And it's even better that this time because he's now tracked it into his car. Well, it kind of sucks right now because all I can smell is puke. But when I leave and he can't get that smell out of his car, it will all be worth it.

"So…" Edward begins to speak to me. I groan. Why did Alice have to insist that I sit in the front? Right beside this asshole. I sit very still so I don't give into the urge to vomit again. That's probably why I'm stuck up right next to the puke smell. "You had some car troubles."

"Yeah, I did," I roll my eyes. This guy is hopeless. How he can get any woman into bed is beyond me. His conversational skills are well below average. So he's not talking them into bed, that's for sure. And just about the only other options are… He's mildly attractive. Okay, so that's a lie, he's fucking gorgeous and that is enough to make woman fall at his feet. Or maybe he's got an impressively large penis. Why did I have to let my mind wander like that? I'm already sexually frustrated for starting but not finishing last night. I really really hate him.

"I was thinking," he starts again.

I couldn't help but laugh. The thought of Edward thinking was hilarious. "How did that work for you? It didn't hurt too much did it?"

Edward grips the steering wheel tighter and I watch the vein in his neck begin to bulge before he's able to calm himself. He is very amusing. And trying way too hard. "Can you let me finish."

"I thought that was it," I shrug and offer and innocent smile, batting my eyelashes a little for effect.

The vein in his neck bulges for just a quick second this time. "No. And please let me finish." He takes a deep breath and tries to relax himself. "Since we made this bet and all…" I roll my eyes. He still thinks he's going to be able to sleep with me? He is sadly mistaken. "It only seems fair that you at least make an effort."

"The point of a bet is to win. Why would I try to fall in love with you? Try being the key word. Because it is so not happening."

"Not like that," Edward snaps and rolls his eyes. "Like, I don't know. Maybe we could go out or something."

"What?" Seemed to be the only way to express myself. That has to be the lamest way to ask a girl out. He made it sound like it was a chore for him. Why would it be a chore for him? He's the one that's an asshole.

"Well, obviously this won't work if we never see each other."

"Why not? That sounds wonderful to me." The vein in his neck is visible again. He is really easy to upset.

"It's the type of bet that we have to stay in contact for. How will I know if you've fallen in love if I never see you?"

I roll my eyes. Lame. "We've already discussed this. I'm honest. I swear to tell the truth."

"And how am I supposed to win you over if I never see you?"

"Another easy one," I shrug. "You don't."

His vein is so visible I can count his heartbeats this time. It amuses me just how easy it is for me to bother him. "If you're not going to work with me then the bet is off."

I shrug. That was easy. "Wonderful."

"When would you like to have sex?" Excuse me? Where is this coming from? I knew he was a bit arrogant. But this is surprising. "Get it over with now real quick? Or make a big production out of it?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" I shout and try to keep myself from hitting him. He is driving and hitting him could be dangerous. I've already had one near crash today. I don't need to get in a real one.

"You're giving up. That means I win. You lose. We get to have sex."

I had to laugh at that. "You're giving up. I win. You lose. We never have sex."

"No, I'm adding a new condition to our bet, which you refuse to accept. You lose."

"I never lose. I never make a bet I can't win. I am so going to win this one. You don't get to change the rules."

"I'm not. The rules are the same. I just think it's not fair if we never see each other."

"He's right," Alice adds. Damn her. I thought she had fallen asleep back there. Why did she choose now to say something? And why did she have to agree with him? She's supposed to be my best friend. And she's supposed to be against this. I am completely forgetting that she changed her mind moments later. Because I simply don't want to believe there is a single grain of truth to that. "It's only fair." I am going to kill her when I get her alone. Literally kill her.

"What are we talking about here? Like once a month? Maybe less? Because there is no way I'm seeing you every day."

"Once a week?" he suggests. Still way too much. At that rate, I give it two months before I get so annoyed and/or bored that I end up fucking him. Not that that translates into me falling in love with him, or even liking him. It just means that I enjoy sex. And I am now very curious to see if he does have an impressively large dick. Damn it! I grimace and he changes his tune.

"Well that all depends on scheduling. I work. You work. School. I'm sure some weeks wouldn't align." That's a little more promising. I will work every day if keeps me away from Edward.

We sit in silence as I mull it over. "I don't know," I sigh. It all seems like a lot of work over a bet that I made while drunk. So drunk that I barely even remember it.

"The lady doth protest to much, methinks," Alice quotes behind us. She is really going to get hurt as soon as we're out of the car. "I mean, if you're so sure that you'll win, then what's the big deal?"

I quickly turn to glare at her, letting her know that I will be kicking her ass. But she doesn't shrink away. She just smiles and sticks out her tongue. "Alice," I groan. She knows exactly what that means.

"What?" She plasters the sweetest smile she can onto her face. "I told you I was conceding. I think this bet is the best thing for both of you. You're both all kinds of fucked up. And for some odd reason it just makes sense."

I keep my death glare on her for another minute before I turn back to Edward. "Fine. I guess that is acceptable. I will agree to our new terms," I manage to snarl through clenched teeth. This is going to be one long year.