A/N: First of all: to everyone who didn't know this was coming, I am so, so sorry. Okay, actually, I'm sorry to all of you, no matter if you knew this had to come at some point or not. It was easier to write than I thought - probably because I have know for several years that this was going to happen and because I had a lot of time to get accostumed to the thought - but man, is this hard to publish. I don't even know why, since technically, this has been final ever since I published the first story taking place in later years that alludes but yeah... it's weird.

Timeline wise, we're at twelve days after Holes in Our Lives, just so you have an idea.

Also, formatting wise: [text in brackets] stands for strike-through which sadly still hasn't made it into ffnet's formatting options. Honestly, that really damn sucks, ffnet.

And A Crumpled Polaroid Picture

„'t ess alles em Lot, alles em Lot – waat aff, du weeß sinn:
Alles weed joot, dat krie' mer schon hin.
Un'e zerknittert Polaroid litt he om Desch vüür mir
un Papier, dat grau un durchradiert ess.
et kohm, wie't kumme moht,
Alles em Lot."

BAP, „Alles em Lot"

[Dear Reece] [Dear Lieutenant Reece] Hey Reece,

[It's my duty to inform] [I just needed] [wanted] [had to tell you] [Long time, no see, huh?]

[I don't really know how to start…]

I don't even know if this letter will ever reach you, but there's something I need to tell you. Ten days ago [things went to hell in a hand basket] [I] [we] [the team lost a very valuable member] [my best friend] [your best friend]

This is pointless. Pointless, time-wasting, superfluous shit.

And someone needs to do this. I need to do this. If I only knew how.

Hey Reece,

I know it's been some time, and even if this never [even] reaches you, I gotta try. Ten days ago, [Laura didn't come home] [I failed to bring Laura home] [something really bad happened]

I can't do this. I have no idea how to do this. I fucking suck at this.

Hey [Reece] Kid

I already fail at the fucking address. I'm an ignorant asshole.

Another piece of crumpled paper lands in the overflowing waste bucket of the broom closet I get to call my office. I can't do this. I can't even look at her picture, at any picture showing either of them. I want to go home. I want to go on a mission. I want to sleep for a year. I want to run a marathon.

I want everything back to the way it used to be.

Kid,

[Something happened. Something really bad and] [I'm a pathetic asshole and if you didn't think so by now through some unfathomable miracle, I'm about to convince you of the opposite, once and for all.]

I'm a pathetic asshole and yes, I know you knew that already but it's official now

And there goes another piece of paper, this time landing next to the waste bucket. I can't even aim straight anymore. Look at me. Sniper who can't fucking dunk a piece of paper into a waste basket. I am a waste of time.

[Look] Maureen, I have no idea why you or Dee or Laura ever bothered with me when I can't even manage to keep you on the team or Dee from going back to his psycho ex or Laura from dying

I'm pathetic. I am utterly and generally pathetic and it should have been me who stayed behind to evacuate the wounded. It should have been me who got shot giving first aid. It should have been me who never made it back alive to the SGC.

It should have been me me me.

[Hey Reece,

Here's the truth for you: Laura died and it should have been me. It should have been my casket they carried to its hole on Sunday. It should have been me they laid to rest at Arlington two days ago. It should have been Laura giving my flag to my mother, not me giving it to]

And now I sound fucking suicidal. I'm not, I swear it. I just think that if anyone deserved to die on that day ten days ago, it was me. It was always me, and it was always supposed to be me. It's what happens to Black Ops trained SGC officers who learned to literally lead from the front: they die eventually. Usually in combat, and usually before their time. Doctors, they don't die before their time. Doctors are not supposed to die before their time.

God, I need to fucking calm down and just get this over with. Maybe… maybe one more try. Just one more.

[Hey Reece]

[Lieutenant Reece]

[Kid]

Right.

One more try.

Dear Maureen,

Two days ago, I knelt down in front of a woman I used to call Aunt Peggy and told her "On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Air Force, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's honorable and faithful service." after carrying a casket on my shoulder and giving a eulogy and listening to three volleys and a bugle call. And here's what it all comes down to.

After everything is said and done, after the casket carrying and the eulogy giving and the flag folding, after everything is said and done, it was my fault. Laura Greenspan died and it was my fault.

It happened on a mission, ten days ago. Started out normal. Only the three of us and a medical team, for some MEDCAP stuff. We never even knew what hit us but suddenly, everyone was screaming and lots of people were bleeding and crying for help. Turned out it was one of the last twitches of the Goa'uld and they wanted to give us a demonstration of a strength they didn't even have anymore back then.

I can hear you in my head, telling me that I'm being an idiot and that none of that was my fault but that's not what I'm talking about. I know that a chance hit and run Goa'uld attack isn't any of my fault, I'm not that stupid. No, what happened was that I wanted to evacuate all SGC personnel as soon as the hat'acs were gone and Laura being Laura didn't want to follow my orders. I was about to drag them all back to the Gate but she wouldn't let me, telling me I should evacuate the healthy and walking wounded and she'd stay behind with the rest of the medical team and do some local medical relief until we came back with more personnel. I shouldn't have fucking listened to her.

Because, you see, I had this gut feeling that that was a really bad idea but she kept telling me that she could handle it and that they wouldn't be back, anyway, having made their point and everything. I don't even know why I listened to her but I took Dee and most of the uninjured locals and went back through the Gate, telling her to go and move everyone to some cover. I told her I'd be back in less than an hour with reinforcements.

I did come back, even with reinforcements and in just under an hour. Only the entire camp was gone, scorch marks everywhere and then we found the villagers and our guys. [They were all]

[Maureen, they were all burned and there was almost nothing of them left. Maureen… that was the most horrifying site I've ever been to I don't even know how to describe it all to you I keep waking up from seeing it in my dreams I don't know if I'll ever sleep without nightmares again]

None of them were alive. We just had enough of them left to identify most of them. The medical personnel we brought called Mortuary Affairs and they took back all mortal remains. We never learned what happened but at least we could recover all of them and give them a proper burial.

Maureen… I'm sorry. I know I should have stayed with her or even better convinced her to go back to the SGC, lobbied harder for leaving me in charge of the wounded. That's my job, and I should have done it that day. I didn't and I'm sorry for that. I know I can never atone for it, for you losing your best friend due to my idiocy and gullibility wherever Laura [is] was concerned but please believe me when I tell you that I am genuinely sorry.

I don't know if this will ever reach you but if it does

"Sir?" Huh? "Sir, you okay?" Oh, huh, I guess Dee must have knocked and then proceeded to open my door when I didn't answer. I didn't even hear him. Weird.

I blink and realize that I must have dropped some fluid on the paper because some of the letters look strangely smudged. I shake my head. "Yeah, I'm good. You wanted anything?"

Just for a moment, he looks like he wants to comment on the piece of my paper in front of me and the pen in my hand but then he just nods and says, sounding oddly formal, "General Landry wants to see you, sir. Us, actually."

I frown. "Whatever for?"

At that, Dee shrugs. "Dunno, sir. He said something about discussing our options for new team members or something… really no idea, sir."

Right. I can't believe I was nearly sick when I heard the words "new team members" but I guess I'll have to live with that. That's how it is at the SGC, after all. You lose a team member through a transfer, you lose another after a mission gone down the drain, you get pressured into finding new ones as soon as possible. That's just the way it is, I guess.

Only. Huh. Only I don't think I can go about life that way, anymore. Not after what happened ten days ago. Not after laying my best friend to rest at Arlington. I get up. "Yeah," I tell Dee, "I think I might have some suggestions about that."

Dee manages to surprise me. "Whatever it is, sir, I got your back." Apparently neither of us feels like they can stand being part of the SGC for much longer. So that's the way it is.

I nod. "Thanks, Dee, appreciate it. Now, let's not keep the General waiting for much longer."

And I guess that's how my time at the most prestigious assignment I ever had ends. Huh. Figure that. Guess my letter to Reece will have to wait until further notice, then. Just getting out of here suddenly made it priority number one. At least I finally know where I want to go, now. Away. Just fucking away.

„Everything's alright, everything's alright – just wait, you'll see:
Everything is going to be okay, we'll manage it.
And a crumpled Polaroid picture is lying on the table in front of me
And a piece of paper, grey and scraped through.
It came like it had to come.
Everything's alright."

BAP, "Everything's Alright"

A/N II: And yes, there will be some fall-out from this, later on. I'm just not sure if I want to post it now (it's already written) or take a break from all this heartache and concentrate on how Maureen and Morsberg fared in Atlantis up to this point (which isn't written yet). As always, I'm open to suggestions, so fire away.