Merit felt a thick knot forming in the pit of her stomach so hefty it could make her knees buckle. She thought her quivering legs would surely cave in as she watched Bellamy turn his back to her, but somehow she managed to stand her ground. As soon as he was out of sight, she clutched her stomach and gasped for air. It felt like she had been holding her breath for the entire conversation and Bellamy's confession had literally knocked the wind out of her.
Bellamy's words served as a wakeup call, tripping alarms and sending signals to every nerve in Merit's body. They cut through her like the blade of a sharp dagger, carving deeply into her chest until they settled their way into her heart and made permanent residence inside of her rib cage. Just when Merit thought she couldn't feel any more pain, Bellamy's words dug into her and reminded her that she was alive.
When she told Bellamy that she would never hurt him, she didn't think he actually understood the deeper implication of her words. She figured Bellamy would play his usual detached and apathetic role while quickly forgetting the minor details of such a conversation. Her words would certainly get lost in obscurity, never to resurface again. When in all actuality, Bellamy took her words as a promise.
Merit thought she was being strong by hiding her vulnerability, but Bellamy had proved her wrong by placing all of his cards on the table. For once, he wasn't hiding the way he felt behind a fist or a snarky attitude. He exposed all of the soft, raw scar tissue that lined his insides to Merit's willing eye. Bellamy trusted her enough to finally reveal his true feelings and she repaid him by taking his acknowledgement and stomping on it.
The way that she treated Bellamy with such crass disregard made Merit feel full to the brim with regret. She let her sorrow negatively influence her decision making process when she should've been honest in her grieving. Bellamy was fully capable of understanding her stance if only she would've taken the time to explain it to him. Instead, she used her words to chop him down and send him packing. Without Bellamy, there was nothing left for her in the sky or on the ground and by telling him that she didn't have any feelings for him, she sent away the last person that she truly cared for.
Merit wanted to apologize and tell Bellamy that she was wrong, but she wasn't sure if she could face him after being such an insensitive jerk. She watched day turn into night as she weighed the decision in her head and untangled the knots in her stomach. It took her an entire day to even muster up enough confidence to look in Bellamy's direction, but she knew that he deserved to hear the truth.
By the time Merit had decided to follow through with her apology it was already getting late and many of the campers were getting ready to turn in, all except for Bellamy. He had been on watch for at least a full eight hours and didn't show signs of yielding. After such a frustrating morning, he was probably being twice as committed to his duty because staying busy meant staying distracted.
On the way over, Merit stopped by the rations storage bins to grab a small bag of mixed nuts and seeds. She figured that Bellamy hadn't eaten much all day on account of his tireless work efforts and she hoped that the food would serve as a peace offering. When she turned around to head in Bellamy's direction he was already blowing past her like the wind.
"Bellamy," she called out, grabbing hold of his arm. He stopped for a moment, placing his hands on his head. He looked worried. "What's wrong?"
"I can't find Octavia. Have you seen her?" Bellamy asked anxiously.
"The last time I saw her was-" Merit stopped short remembering that Octavia had followed her over the wall.
"What? What is it?"
She sighed and clenched her eyes shut knowing that this wasn't going to end well. Bellamy was going to completely freak out when she told him. "She followed me the other night."
"What?" Bellamy said, his eyes growing in size.
"But I sent her back to camp. We weren't far." There was no way that Octavia could've gotten lost less than ten minutes away from camp, but if something bad happened to her, Merit would never be able to forgive herself. "She has to be here."
"She's not here, Merit. I've looked everywhere."
"Okay, try to keep a level head. We'll get to the bottom of this," Merit said giving Bellamy an encouraging pat on the back. She could see him slowly breaking apart at the seams and it was only right for her to be supportive in his time of need. She had literally just lost someone who was incredibly important to her and she didn't want Bellamy to have to suffer through that same pain.
"If you would've stayed at camp this would've never happened," Bellamy snapped, pushing Merit's hand away. He was pacing back and forth and spinning in circles like he didn't know which direction to go. Octavia was his responsibility and he'd sooner raise hell than have her harmed.
"I'm trying to help, but this isn't my fault."
"Like hell it isn't," Bellamy bellowed. "You should've just listened to me."
Merit was desperately trying to repress her growing anger but Bellamy was making it extremely difficult. She knew that she had to put Octavia's safety above her own feelings, but at the same time she hated being Bellamy's scapegoat. He was lashing out at her for more than just Octavia's disappearance and she was sure of it. Octavia going missing simply gave him the opportunity to pour out any leftover anger he was withholding with full justification.
Merit understood his frustration, but she certainly wasn't going to sit back and let him berate her for something she had no control over.
"Don't blame me for something you started," Merit countered. "I wouldn't have left if Murphy was still here."
By Bellamy's current irrational sense of logic, he could've just as easily been held accountable for Octavia's disappearance as well as Murphy's death. If the chain of unfortunate events was to be traced back to its original source, all lines would stem back to Bellamy.
"Murphy is dead because of a decision you made." Merit's voice quivered as the anger steadily rose inside of her, injecting itself like venom into her bloodstream.
"He would've been dead a lot sooner if it were up to me," Bellamy spat. "Just be grateful I didn't kill him myself."
"Maybe you should be the grateful one," Merit shot back. The words left her lips so fast that she hardly had time to process the cruelty that encased them. Her hand twitched as she remembered the feeling of Bellamy's bare throat pulsing under the pressure of her knife. She literally had his life in the palm of her hand and a mere flick of the wrist could've ended everything. Mentally reliving the experience made her sick with nausea and she immediately regretted her words.
Merit had come to offer Bellamy an apology and the whole situation had gone up in flames in a matter of minutes. The indecisive pair couldn't seem to coordinate their fickle feelings and, once again, an attempt at patching up their troublesome relationship had only served to dig them into a deeper hole.
"Someone looking for me?" Octavia said appearing from thin air. She had probably gone over the wall again except this time Bellamy took notice.
Octavia's reappearance had defused the argument, leaving the two participants in an awkward standoff. Merit and Bellamy looked at each other sheepishly, realizing that they had gone too far in their dispute, but it was too late to take back their words of malice. The damage was done and even in their sheer guilt neither party seemed opened to apologizing at this point.
"Everybody, look!" Monroe shouted, ending Merit and Bellamy's stalemate. She was pointing up at the night sky where a glittering meteor shower erupted.
Camp was bustling with chatter as the delinquents clambered out from their tents and gathered together to view the natural phenomenon.
"The signal failed," Clarke called out frenziedly.
It wasn't a meteor shower that Monroe pointed out, but it was the bodies of the deceased Ark citizens returning to the ground. Despite the delinquents' strong efforts, the flares didn't work and more than 300 innocent souls had been culled from the Ark.
"This is your fault!" Raven yelled, pushing Bellamy hard in the chest.
"I helped find the radio, now back off," Bellamy cautioned as the accusing eyes of the group fell on him.
"And what're you gonna do if I don't?" Raven's fist clenched into a tight ball as she stood toe to toe with Bellamy. Finn noticed the fist forming and quickly grabbed it to stop his girlfriend from throwing a punch.
Merit could've easily joined in on the indictment, telling Bellamy that he was to blame for the loss of those lives, but she didn't. Stealing Raven's radio had unforeseen and unfortunate consequences; however, those deaths were not a direct result of Bellamy's actions. Those 300 deaths were set into motion by the corruption present aboard the Ark and the council was solely responsible for them.
"He didn't know this would happen, Raven," Merit said stepping in between the two hotheads. "So let's just calm down."
Hoping that Bellamy and Raven would have a civil confrontation was like placing two raging bulls in an iron cage and expecting them to play nice. With so much madness going on, a fight to the death was the last thing anyone needed and allowing Bellamy and Raven to face off would only further contribute to the discord that afflicted their camp. What this place needed now more than ever was cooperation.
"Three hundred people are dead because of him," Raven brashly reminded.
"And more will die if you don't fix that radio," Merit added, trying to get Raven to focus her energy where it was most important. There were still lives aboard the Ark that were worth saving and Merit hoped that Raven would use her anger to fuel those efforts instead of using it to bash Bellamy's skull in. "They're counting on you. We're all counting on you."
Raven swallowed her pride and nodded in agreement with Merit before deciding to walk away from the situation.
"What are you standing around for? You all have jobs to do," Bellamy commanded, effectively dispersing the rubbernecking campers.
"Here," Merit said turning to Bellamy and shoving the pack of rations into his hand. "You should eat this. You're even more of a grouch on an empty stomach."
Bellamy balled up the small pack of nuts in his fist and crammed it into his jacket pocket. "I don't need you defending me," he said.
"I wasn't," Merit corrected. "What you did was really selfish, but it doesn't define you. What matters is how you come to terms with your actions. Are you ready for that?"
Bellamy opened his mouth like he was going to speak but no words came out. His mouth just hung slightly open and for once he didn't have an answer.
"Didn't think so," Merit said walking away from him.
It seemed like no matter how upset she got with Bellamy she just couldn't quit on him. No matter how much she wanted to walk away it was like they were tethered together and any time she strayed too far she got dragged back in. Perhaps, it was because when she looked at him she didn't see a villain, a monster, or even his mistakes, but she saw herself.
Through Merit's eyes Bellamy was someone who wore his misfortune like a suit of armor so he could claim invulnerability to the things that could potentially hurt him. She saw him as someone who hid his problems underneath protective covering when, in reality, his heart was constricted with pain and his spine hunched under the weight of his responsibilities. She saw him as someone, like herself, who was just trying to do their best with the hand that they were dealt and if there was a way back for Merit then there was surely one for Bellamy too. Giving up on him, in a way, felt akin to giving up on herself.
As immensely frustrated as Merit was with Bellamy, she somehow found her feet turning in the dirt and circling back towards him.
"You know, I came here to apologize to you," she started.
"An apology is not what I want from you," Bellamy swiftly interjected, an air of hunger radiated from his eyes. He looked down at Merit, knowing what he really wanted was standing right in front of him, within arm's reach, yet still unattainable. He moved in closer to her, leaning in just until his mouth was near ear level. His lips just grazed her ear lobe as he murmured, "You know what I want. Are you ready for that?"
He repeated the same question that she had for him knowing that she would fail to give him the answer that he desired.
Merit felt her lips tentatively forming around the word "yes" as Bellamy's husky voice resonated in her eardrums. It was strange how he didn't even have to lay a hand on her to make her vibrate in her skin and she quickly found herself surrendering to his allure. Once again, she yearned to taste his lips, to be wrapped in his skin, and to feel his heart thumping fervently against hers as their bodies flowed together.
"Bellamy," Merit whispered, after swallowing hard.
"No. No explanations. This ends now," Bellamy breathed. "Yes or no?"
Merit was very close to following lust down that dark spiraling path where she would be engulfed in such a pleasure that would lead directly to inexplicable amounts of pain. She remembered how amazing it felt being with Bellamy. How his kiss made her forget about her troubles, how his touch made her focus only on him, and how his body gliding against hers sent waves of sheer satisfaction speeding across her skin. Then she recalled how fast those feelings disappeared once the act was completed. How that bottomless void formed deep inside of her, how despair left dark shadows in her mind, and how she hurt Bellamy with the callous things she said. Then she remembered it was wrong. She would get her fix and then she would feel better until she didn't any more. That's not what she wanted or what Bellamy deserved.
"I can't," she said, biting her lip after voicing the rejection.
"Thought so," Bellamy said backing away from Merit. The way he looked at her with utter disappointment made her feel small. "Stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours."
Merit let Bellamy leave her sight without pursuing him. Chasing after him with explanations would probably only further complicate things by making moving on that much harder. If space was what Bellamy wanted then she was going to respect his decision.
Merit retreated to her tent hoping to find some solace after the harrowing discussion. The amount of ups and downs one person could experience on the ground in only 48 hours was daunting and she was completely drained after so much commotion. She shook her head and rubbed the back of her neck as her eyes fell upon the plastic action figure that was tossed into the dirt.
"It's been a tough couple of days, Murphy," she thought as she picked up the tiny superhero and brushed the grime off of it. She was stuffing it back into her pack when Octavia came barging in.
"You Blakes could stand to learn a thing or two about privacy," Merit asserted as she watched Octavia blaze through her tent with no sense of personal space.
"Were you and Bellamy fighting because of me?" Octavia asked, comfortably planting herself on Merit's cot and completely ignoring the comments about privacy.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg," Merit said taking her pocket knife out and fidgeting with it. She used the point to clean the dirt from under her fingernails. "Where the hell were you anyway?"
Octavia looked around suspiciously and lowered her voice to a whisper. "I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone." By anyone she probably meant Bellamy and mostly Bellamy.
"Fine, spill it."
"I met someone."
Merit laughed. "What's new?" she asked sarcastically.
This was no surprise as Octavia was always sneaking off to canoodle with some cute prospective love interest. Last time Merit checked, Octavia's most recent boy toy was Jasper. Although, she wasn't exactly pining over him the way he was over her.
"He's a grounder," Octavia admitted uneasily.
"Oh okay," Merit said casually. Octavia wasn't laughing, but this had to be one big joke and Merit decided to play along. "And by grounder you mean the same ones that have been trying to kill us? That must be a match made in heaven."
"He's not like the others." Octavia sat up from the cot, meeting Merit with an expression that was serious and solid as stone slate.
"Look, Octavia," Merit said grabbing the youngest Blake by the shoulders. "I'm tired, I want to go to bed, and this joke isn't funny."
"It's not a joke."
Apparently this romantic grounder boyfriend wasn't just a figment of Octavia's imagination. His name was Lincoln, a highly skilled grounder warrior and, according to Octavia, a kind spirit who was also poetically artistic. She even had physical evidence, in the form of a journal, to prove it. The worn book included drawings of Octavia and their camp, along with a tally of 100 markings; a few were scratched off for the ones that died.
"I'm gonna say this once, so listen carefully…Are you crazy?" Merit blurted. "He's probably just using you to get to the rest of us."
Playing "Romeo and Juliet" with a grounder had bad news written all over it. This Lincoln knew far too much about their camp, from the exact location, to their numbers, and their resources. It was unnerving to know that he had been watching them so closely without anyone noticing him. For all Merit knew he could've been a grounder spy, taking the information he acquired back to his people so they could use it to slaughter the sky people's camp.
"If he was everyone would've been dead by now," Octavia reasoned. "I trust him."
"Yes, of course because thinking with your vagina is great. It's worked wonders for me so far." Merit's tone was sardonic and bewildered.
Trust him? How could Octavia trust one of their sworn enemies? She must have mistaken a grounder's arrow for Cupid's because Octavia had fallen completely off her rocker.
"Merit."
"I know, I know. You're being serious," Merit said squeezing the bridge of her nose. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because nothing should stop you from being with the person you love."
Octavia was using her relationship as proof that love could beat circumstance. While Merit and Bellamy were using the ground as their excuse to not be together, the ground had brought Octavia to, what could potentially be, true love. It was an example of what happens when you give in to circumstance and roll with the punches.
It was a wonder how someone who grew up in seclusion could be so knowledgeable about love and then Merit realized that Octavia had been subject to the greatest love of all, sacrifice. Octavia's mother and brother showered her in unconditional love as they literally laid down their lives to protect her. Octavia wasn't nearly as boy crazy and naïve as others pegged her to be. She simply understood love on a higher level than most had ever experienced.
"Merit, do you love my brother?" Octavia asked seriously.
Merit sighed knowing that the "L" word would rear its ugly head at some point in this conversation. "If by love you mean, 'do I want to strangle him 100% of the time?' Then yes, I absolutely love your brother. Now get out of my tent," Merit said, pointing Octavia towards the exit.
Love was too strong of a word for Merit's ragged mind to process. She couldn't quite convince herself that love was the feeling that she had for Bellamy. At the same time, she couldn't deny that she associated his face with the word either. It would explain why she always felt so connected to him and frightened of him all at once. She knew that falling in love was an even harder road to walk down and quite frankly she was afraid because she had lost everything she had ever loved. Her father and Murphy had both been taken from her prematurely and she wasn't sure if her heart had the strength to hold up to ever losing Bellamy.
Time passed by quickly and before Merit could blink another week had flown by. She was living each day on fast forward just trying to stay ahead of the trials of daily life. Sometimes she felt like she was drowning as violent waves crashed down on her, dragging her further out to sea. Other days she felt like she was lazily floating along with the current. Whether she was feeling overwhelmed or coping successfully, Merit maintained a low profile while she continually grappled with the death of her best friend and the deafening silence between her and Bellamy.
Grieving the loss of Murphy still had its ups and downs, but time was slowly healing the wound. She knew that crying over Murphy wouldn't bring him back, but she couldn't ignore his passing either. Merit was still figuring out how to find the right balance between the two. She missed him like hell and she always would, but she wanted to use his memory as a source of power rather than sadness.
Then there was Bellamy. Sneaking glances at him turned into common practice because, once again, they weren't speaking to each other. It wasn't the usual awkward evasions and minimal conversations this time. It was cold and deliberate to the point that they hardly ever even crossed paths. In the event that they were in close proximity of each other, Bellamy wouldn't even acknowledge her presence. He wouldn't even give her direct orders any more, sending his demands to her by means of Miller or Clarke. As much as playing the invisible girl sucked, Merit respected Bellamy's wishes of keeping a distance from one another. It was a necessary precaution if either of them intended to move on.
Outside of Merit's internal woes, camp life seemed to pick up over the course of the next week. Raven was able to fix the radio and set up a complete communication system. Thanks to her, the delinquents were able to maintain contact with the Ark through audio and video transmissions. For the first time in weeks, the campers had the opportunity to reconnect with their loved ones and see their faces while the Ark council was able to relay important information to the ground. Most of the campers were relieved to find out that the Exodus ship, stocked full of aid and reinforcements, would be launching in a few days' time; however, this didn't mean good news for everyone.
With the Exodus ship landing came the promise of much needed support and supplies, but it also came with strict obedience. All the harsh rules that had been done away with would come back in full force and the society that the delinquents worked so hard to build would be overtaken. The authority and freedom would literally be snatched from their hands.
This also meant bad news for Bellamy. Sure the rest of the delinquents were supposedly getting pardoned of their crimes, but he wasn't part of the deal. Merit couldn't imagine the council letting Bellamy off after shooting the chancellor and fleeing to the ground. His punishment would surely be severe. If they didn't lock him up for life they would surely sentence him to death and Merit wanted neither of those things for Bellamy.
Merit watched as Bellamy and Clarke made their way to the front gate, headed towards some new and important mission that would surely risk their lives. Even with the high probability of never returning from outside of those walls, Merit couldn't bring herself to be the first to break the silence. She could only look on from afar, offering up a quiet prayer that he would return safely. Then, for the first time in over a week, Bellamy looked back at her over his shoulder. His expression read like an apologetic goodbye. He adjusted his rucksack over his shoulder before turning and exiting through the wooden gate.
Merit almost went after him until she heard Miller call out to her from the comms tent.
"Merit, you're up," Miller said. "Kane wants to talk to you."
"Tell him to go screw himself," Merit replied.
This was the third time today that Kane had asked to speak with her. Merit didn't know what he wanted and more importantly, she didn't care. For that matter, Marcus Kane could take whatever useless words he had to say to her and shove them up his crotchety stiff ass. She would fare better without having to hear his voice or lay eyes upon his treacherous face ever again.
"He said it's about your mom," Miller added. This simple statement was enough to spike Merit's curiosity.
The relationship that Merit shared with her mother, Marley Murdock, was rocky to say the least. Merit wasn't exactly the daughter that her mother had always wished for. Not only was Merit an unplanned pregnancy, but she was also born into this world a rough-and-tumble little spitfire when Marley always wanted a prim and proper princess. Marley also seemed to really resent the fact that Merit favored the father, James, over her.
Merit could remember her mother's scowling face looking down at her with such displeasure whenever she would come home covered in scrapes and bruises from hard days of play and practice. Marley would always try and discourage her from learning martial arts, saying how fighting was barbaric and scolding her for participating in training activities with her father. As a child, Merit never understood what she was doing wrong, but as she grew older she realized that her mother was punishing her simply for being herself. There was just something that Marley saw in Merit that she apparently couldn't stand to look at.
Their relationship continued its rapid decline until it just ceased to exist. Once Merit got locked away, her mother never even made the effort to visit her. She wasn't worried about her then and Merit couldn't imagine her mother suddenly becoming concerned now that she was on the ground. She didn't have the slightest idea of what Kane could possibly say about the woman, but she had to find out.
As soon as Merit entered the communications tent she saw Kane's face staring back at her from the tattered screen. She hadn't come face to face with him since the day she tried to kill him and seeing him now made her queasy. She sat down in front of the video monitor and placed the microphone headset over her head, but she didn't speak.
"Wow, you look more and more like her every day," Marcus said with a slight smile. He was talking about her mother.
"Is that supposed to be a compliment?" Merit scoffed, averting her eyes from meeting Kane's. It still didn't feel right to look her father's murderer directly in the eye. "Where is she anyway?" Merit inquired in regards to her mother. The woman had gone AWOL for nearly two years and she didn't even have the decency to show her face on video chat.
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." The monitor tiled and glitched, distorting Kane's face. He crossed his hands, placing them on top of the desk in front of him. He went on slowly and cautiously dragging out his statement, "I regret to inform you that your mother volunteered for the culling."
Kane's unfortunate announcement was met with silence. There were no words, no inquiries, and certainly no tears from Merit's end. She only stared blankly at the screen taking in the fact that her mother was one of the bright falling stars that had been returned to the earth. She witnessed her own mother's funeral without even realizing it.
Marcus started to speak again, "I tried to stop her-"
Merit got up from her seat, removing her headset midsentence, and walked away from the monitor. Kane called to her as she left the tent, but she had no desire to hear his explanation or further details. Marcus Kane was the cause of all of the death and destruction in her life and Merit was sure that this time was no different from the others.
She wouldn't shed a tear for her mother; neither would she mourn the loss. Her mother never gave her anything to grieve over. In fact, she thought her mother was a coward, someone who took the easy way out instead of facing up to her mistakes. All Merit ever wanted from her mother was the truth and Marley chose death over coming to grips with her own flesh and blood. The only disappointment Merit felt now was from questions that would go unanswered.
That night Clarke and Bellamy returned from their expedition with guns and blankets. Merit was probably more excited about the blankets because even though they needed the firepower, the concept of guns in the hands of teenage criminals was sort of terrifying. Some of these imbeciles could hardly be trusted with a twig, let alone, a military grade rifle loaded with live ammunition. All they needed was one excuse to start blowing each other's brains out; however, Merit trusted that the camp leaders would maintain control by keeping a tight lid over the situation. In fact, Bellamy immediately started gun training the following day.
The new acquirements and advancements seemed to increase camp moral for the next couple of days which set the perfect tone for the upcoming holiday, Unity Day.
Campers gathered around the comms system as the Ark's Unity Day festivities played back over the monitor. Chancellor Jaha was giving his annual phony baloney speech, smiling while lies seeped from his lips as he took credit for everything that the delinquents had worked hard to establish. He sent them down to the ground as one hundred expendable lives, expecting them to be a failed experiment. They managed to stay alive without his help and now he was giving himself a big old pat on the back for the success of their survival.
The comms system signal went down after Jaha's speech, transmitting nothing but gray fuzz and white noise. Merit was glad when transmission was lost, sparing her from suffering through more drivel and even though the radio went down the celebration continued on the ground.
Monty was able to whip up a special batch of booze which he deemed "Unity Juice" and the delinquents downed it as they reveled in their last few nights of freedom. The sounds of generic drumbeats echoed through camp as a few delinquents drummed away on empty containers, providing background music while the campers danced, chatted, or engaged in traditional social drinking games.
It was a nice change of pace to see everyone totally enjoying themselves for once, but Merit couldn't bring herself to join the party. She never really had the heart for Unity Day, even more so now that her head and heart couldn't find unanimity. Her life was exactly the opposite of harmonious and today was just another day on the ground. She would be just fine sleeping straight through Unity Day and that's exactly what she intended to do.
She was heading back to her tent when Jasper stopped her.
"Merit, are you down for a little drinking game," Jasper said shaking his aluminum cup and sloshing spills of moonshine to the ground. He was steadily bridging the gap between sober and intoxicated. "Paranoia? Or perhaps would you rather?"
"No thanks," Merit declined. "That stuff will burn a hole in your stomach."
This "Unity Juice" was cheaply distilled whiskey that tasted like rubbing alcohol. It was probably equivalent to drinking straight up gasoline and would, without a doubt, have someone with a weak stomach puking their guts out. This meant Merit.
"Come on, it'll be fun," Jasper continued. Bellamy happened to walk by while Jasper was trying to be persuasive, so he decided to use him as a bargaining chip. "Bellamy is playing," he slurred, draping his arm around Bellamy's shoulder and pulling him in close.
"No, I'm not," Bellamy said, wincing at the pungent odor of alcohol on Jasper's breath and pushing him away so he could breathe some air that wasn't flammable.
Merit hadn't been this close to Bellamy in almost two weeks and it was even harder to ignore his existence in such close proximity. She kept shooting him timid glances, drawing her eyes away every few seconds as to not get caught. They hadn't actually spoken since he gave her that ultimatum and Merit desperately wanted to break the ice. Maybe a little liquid courage would be just the thing to help loosen the tension.
"Look it's easy. Just watch first then you can join in," Jasper instructed.
In paranoia, one at a time, the participants whisper a question in the ear of the person next to them. The person asked must answer that question aloud for the rest of the group to hear; however, the answer to the question has to be the name of someone else who is also playing the game. If any participant wants to know what the question was then they have to drink. If no one wants to hear the question then the person that answered aloud has to take a shot instead. The point of the game was to, in good fun, expose paranoia among its players all while getting them completely smashed.
After being presented with a gameplay example, Merit joined in on the fun as she received her first question from Monty. He leaned over and whispered his question into her ear.
"Miller," she answered without hesitation, raising her eyebrows twice. The question being: who do you think is the most confident?
"Oh, Merit. I already know how you feel about me," Miller said with a wink. "It can only be something good, so I'll pass on this one."
"Dammit, Miller," Merit said lifting the cup to her lips. She was hoping that a good bluff would trick him into taking a shot, but she received a much more unexpected reaction instead.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bellamy snatch a small silver cup from the surface of the shoddy table. He flinched, tightening his grip around his cup as he nearly drank from it, but he stopped himself abruptly.
"I thought you weren't playing," Jasper reminded.
"I'm in, but only for one round," Bellamy agreed, narrowing his eyes and giving Nathan a once over with a vigilant glare.
Five rounds later Bellamy was still stuck in the game and keeping a watchful eye over any interaction between Merit and Nathan. After a couple of shots his inconspicuous surveillance was becoming obvious and Merit took quick notice of it. He wasn't even trying to hide it anymore, letting out loud, throaty scoffs and rolling his eyes anytime the pair would laugh or joke together. Merit was starting to think that mixing Bellamy and alcohol together was a bad idea because it had totally unleashed his inner green-eyed monster.
When the next question came around for Bellamy, Merit was shocked to hear her name leave his lips. She didn't drink. She froze, forgetting that they were even playing a game. All the drunken chatter seemed to dissipate into the background as she heard Bellamy address her for the first time in days.
"Is it just me or is it getting kind of heated between these two?" Jasper whispered to Monty and Monty replied with a nod. "I want in on the drama," Jasper said before quickly knocking back his shot of moonshine. He nearly strangled on his drink when Bellamy murmured the question into his ear. "Okay, so let's play something else!"
"I'm done playing games." Bellamy slammed his cup down and staggered away, taking a minor spill on his way out.
Merit took off after him, following him as he stumbled into his tent.
"What do you want now?" Bellamy groaned as he slipped his jacket off and dropped it carelessly on the ground. He fell back onto the bed and let out a yawn.
"I wanted to talk to you," Merit said picking Bellamy's jacket up from the dirt. She dusted it off before neatly folding it and placing it in the seat of a chair. "But maybe I should just go."
Merit turned towards the exit thinking that perhaps, now wasn't the best time to engage Bellamy in deep conversation. Not only was he drunk, but he also seemed fairly irritated.
"Don't," Bellamy called out as he sat up in his spot. "Don't leave."
Merit gave him a weak smile as she crouched down in front of him. "I know you wanted me to stay away from you," she started warily.
"Screw what I said. It was stupid."
"I'm sorry," they both said in unison. The unanimous apology released some of the pressure that was bearing down on each of them.
"Do you think we could…maybe start over?" Merit asked hesitantly, unsure of whether Bellamy would be open to this proposal.
It was a relief to see Bellamy's face brighten up as her words met his ears. A familiar sparkle returned to his eyes that she hadn't seen in a long time.
"Of course," Bellamy replied, nudging Merit's chin upward. He looked down at her with a flushed smile and then he hiccupped. The pair shared a warm laugh that completely dissolved any remaining chilly tension.
"Friends?" Merit asked, extending her hand to Bellamy.
"Friends?" Bellamy repeated and his voice cracked. For a brief moment, his expression hinted at confusion as his eyebrows rose and the corners of his smile dropped just the slightest. "Yeah…Of course," he agreed, shaking Merit's hand.
They both let out a sigh of relief and Bellamy pulled Merit up from her stooping position on the ground. She sat on the bed next to him.
"Are you gonna remember this tomorrow or should I make you sign a blood contract where if you violate it I get to lop your head off?"
"I'll remember. I'm not that drunk," Bellamy said with a chuckle.
If Merit would've known how smoothly this conversation was going to go, she would've gotten Bellamy drunk much sooner.
"Well," Merit started as she stretched out across Bellamy's bed. "I think we've tested the relationship theory and proved that it is indeed a crock of shit."
"Think things would've been different if we met in the sky?" Bellamy asked as he reclined next to her.
"Nope."
Bellamy seemed surprised by the speed of Merit's response. "Why's that?" he queried.
"Murphy proposed to me when we were five."
She failed to mention that the proposal came only after the fact that Murphy found out that Merit was actually a girl.
There was a time when Merit's grubby little hands may have found their way to a pair of her mother's sewing scissors which she, in turn, used to give herself a botched haircut. Due to her painfully short locks, Murphy was under the impression that he had been playing with a little boy for the first two months of their friendship. At an age when most girls where considered to have cooties, Murphy was dismayed to find out that he'd been fraternizing with the enemy, but at the same time he realized that girls weren't so bad.
The memory was fresh in her mind as if it had happened yesterday. Merit could still hear young Murphy's squeaky voice telling her how she wasn't nearly as gross as other girls. Then he tied a string around her finger and made her pinky promise that she'd marry him when they got older. They'd been best friends ever since.
"Sounds like he's got a soft spot for you," Bellamy chimed in after hearing the complete story.
"Once we got older he would always say his proposal was just a ploy to own the rights to half of my toys," Merit said with a giggle. "He's always been a little shit, but I loved the kid. Still…love him." She finished with a heavy sigh.
Talking about Murphy in past tense made his absence all too real and she wanted his spirit to live on within her.
Bellamy turned to her, staring at her with a long sullen face. "Merit, I wanted to tell you something."
She waited, gazing back at him with ample curiosity and an utterly gentle smile.
"I um- I talked to Jaha," Bellamy said, stumbling over his words. "He pardoned me."
"That's great, Bellamy," Merit said with excitement. Her mouth stretched into a bright grin.
Bellamy didn't seem nearly as thrilled about his exoneration as Merit was. There seemed to be something that was still weighing on him, something that he was holding back.
"You know, I thought about running. Almost followed through with it," he admitted.
The day that Bellamy and Clarke found the rifles was the day he planned to run and never look back. When he found out the Exodus Ship was coming down, he thought his only option was to leave behind the people and things that he cared most about. With Octavia constantly rebelling against him and the current state of his relationship with Merit he figured no one would miss him anyway.
"My mom used to always say 'slay your demons' and I couldn't even face mine," Bellamy continued. "I thought about what you said about coming to terms with my actions. I needed to hear that."
Merit owed Bellamy a lot more credit than she had given him. He was a good listener and now he was showing that he had taken her words into account.
"Wish I could follow my own advice," Merit said as she thought about her own situation. There were still plenty of things that she struggled to come to terms with. "You wanna know something about me?"
"What is it?"
"I tried to kill Kane," Merit confessed, finally revealing to Bellamy her reason for being jailed.
She had been holding onto this secret for a long time and she only ever shared it with one other person, Murphy. Now, she wanted to show Bellamy that she trusted him enough to reveal this side of herself to him. Bellamy had exposed his wounds and scars to her, in good faith, and now it was her turn.
"Because of your father?"
Merit nodded. "Kane used to make a lot of personal visits when I was a kid, usually when my dad wasn't home. He always seemed so nice, bringing me little gifts and helping me with my homework. Then my mom would send me off to play with Murphy. I never thought anything of it until I was older." Merit looked over at Bellamy to find him eyeing her intently as if he knew what she was going to say next. "Kane and my mother were having an affair."
Merit screamed at her mother, asking her how she could so easily betray the man she loved. Her mother's only answer being a hard strike across the face. The guilt that her mother felt from her adulterous acts had finally caught up with her and Merit figured that was her reasoning for volunteering for the culling.
"I remember my dad picked me up early from class the day he found out. He sat me down, told me he loved me and I knew something was wrong. The next time I saw him he was being floated."
Merit saw something change in her father in that very moment. It was like the world stopped because the woman that he loved didn't love him anymore. She felt like he gave up and part of her believed that he wanted to die.
"I've never been so angry before. Angry at Kane. Angry at my mother. But most of all I was angry at my father for leaving me." Merit swallowed hard. "But I have to forgive him. I'm trying to, anyway."
"You're doing just fine," Bellamy assured.
With each word Merit spoke, it felt like she was removing a heavy cement layer from her chest. Revealing every little troubled piece of her past to Bellamy was a liberating experience. She felt so light that she could literally float away like a balloon.
"And losing Murphy was just like, okay it's happening again. And I wanted to be mad at you, but I couldn't," Merit confessed. "The truth of the matter is, I'm tired of good things being taken from me…I don't want you to be next."
Bellamy smiled and stroked her cheek. "You don't have to worry about that."
They looked at each other for a long time. She had just poured her entire being into him, the good, the bad, and the ugly, yet he stared at her like she was a jewel.
Merit knew what was coming next and if she kissed Bellamy now, she would never be able to leave his side.
She grabbed his hand and squeezed it before removing it from her cheek. "I'm gonna hit the sack." She got up from the bed and walked to the door. She stopped for a moment, glancing over her shoulder as she pushed the tent curtain back. "I'm glad you stayed." She left the tent.
"Who I would want to spend my last night on earth with?" Bellamy mumbled to himself, referencing the earlier paranoia question that ended the game. "None other than Merit Murdock."
It was a perfect morning. The sky was clear, the birds were chirping, and Merit had never been in a better place with Bellamy than she was now. Making up with him put her mind at ease and gave her heart a feeling of lightness. The sun seemed to agree with her good mood as it cast its radiant light down on her. She breathed in the crisp morning air and a sense of optimism washed over her as she thought about their fresh start as friends. It was refreshing to finally be on solid ground with Bellamy and she wasn't sure what the next step would be in their relationship, but she had a positive outlook.
Even the normally dreary morning patrol felt lively today. Everyone was in good spirits and joking around despite the mass amounts of alcohol consumed during the prior night.
"So, we all saw you hit up Bellamy's tent last night," Miller said nosily. "Did you get laid or did he pass out on you?"
"Shut up, Miller," Merit said, playfully jabbing at Nathan. "He could probably keep it up longer drunk than you could sober."
"You just got burned," Monroe chimed in.
"To the third degree," Sterling added, peering over Monroe's shoulder.
Nathan griped and groaned over the dig at his manhood while the other three erupted into laughter.
"Murdock," Bellamy growled, interrupting the banter. He was standing cross armed with a rifle draped over each shoulder as he motioned Merit over from her spot on the wall.
"Uh oh, someone's in trouble," Nathan teased, nudging Merit with his elbow.
Merit bit her bottom lip anxiously, knowing that Bellamy only called her by her last name when he was in a bad mood. Either he heard what she just said or he was pissed because he probably woke up with a splitting headache of a hangover that was partly her fault.
She walked over to Bellamy already on the defensive. "I didn't do it, I wasn't an accomplice, and I had no idea about it," she said counting off on her fingers.
"You're not in trouble," Bellamy assured with a small smile. "You're behind the others in gun training so I'm taking you out for a little practice."
She had missed most of the lessons on account of Bellamy starting them when they weren't speaking.
"Oh, sweet!"
She followed Bellamy into a small clearing just outside of camp. There was a short line of stumps leftover from the wood they harvested for their camp wall and Bellamy set up a few items to use for target practice.
He stepped back, handing one of the rifles to Merit. "First thing's first. You need to learn how to handle this beast."
"How's this?" she asked, holding the rifle up.
"It's great…if you want the recoil to knock you on your ass," Bellamy smirked. "Your dad taught you how to fight but not how to hold a gun?"
"I'd say it was one of his better decisions."
When Merit's father wasn't at work he always kept his gun locked away. In his philosophy, a gun should always be the last resort and he never wanted Merit around such unbridled power. She was never allowed to touch it and for good reason.
"I can't say I disagree, but you'll need more than your fists and feet to survive out here," Bellamy said. "Follow my lead."
He lifted his weapon, wielding it in perfect form, and fired off two shots. Both of his shots hit their mark with precision aim. It was a miracle that the chancellor survived because Bellamy was a damn good shot.
"That's a hard act to follow," Merit said lifting the rifle once again.
"Don't worry. I'll guide you."
Bellamy stood behind Merit, placing his arms around her and adjusting the rifle into peak position. Even now being in Bellamy's arms felt right and Merit couldn't help but smile to herself as he walked her carefully through each step.
"Anchor it against your shoulder, eye down the scope, and finger off the trigger until you're ready to fire," he explained.
"How's my form, Sergeant Blake?"
"It's-uh- It's good," Bellamy snickered. "Really good."
Merit rolled her eyes, noticing the suggestiveness of her words all too late. "You know I can still toss you to the ground from this position, right?"
"I know." Bellamy's tone was sly and flirtatious. "We've been in this position at least twice already."
"Screw you."
"Oh right. That's exactly what we were doing."
Merit could've turned as red as a tomato. She set the rifle down and covered her burning red cheeks.
"Are you embarrassed?" Bellamy said turning Merit towards him. She was hiding her face behind her hands, but he could still see her ears turning increasingly red.
"No."
"Then let me see your face." Bellamy took hold of Merit's wrists and began to gently pry them away from her face. She wasn't budging. "Wow, was I that good?"
"Bellamy, shut up!" Merit exclaimed as she grabbed onto his lapels and buried her face into his jacket.
Bellamy let out a hearty laugh as Merit ducked her head into his coat, nuzzling her blushing face against his chest.
"Just zip it up because I'm never coming out."
Bellamy looked down adoringly at the wriggling bulge sheathing itself in his clothes. Seeing Merit get all bashful was probably one of the cutest things he'd ever laid eyes on. "I guess I found your other weakness."
"What?" The sound of Merit's voice was muffled beneath Bellamy's clothes.
"Me."
As much as Merit wished for this statement to be false it was the honest truth. She wasn't sure what kind of spell Bellamy had cast on her, but it was causing her to act in a way that she never had before. All of the resistance she had built up to his advances was suddenly fading and if she wasn't careful she'd find herself back at first base, falling headfirst into Bellamy's trap. It was a vicious cycle.
"Don't flatter yourself," Merit said trying to hide the nervous shake in her voice. She came out of her hiding spot to find Bellamy staring back at her. Seeing the softness of his expression made her want to poke her head back into his jacket like a turtle, but she was stuck in his gaze. "This isn't very friendly behavior. Maybe I should've made you sign that contract." She pursed her lips before shifting them uneasily and scrunching her nose.
Bellamy didn't say anything for a moment, but his hands found their way to the small of Merit's back as he closed the ends of his jacket around her and held them in place.
In a calm and steady voice he said, "Is it wrong if I want to be the kind of friend that gets to hold you, kiss you, and go to bed with you every night and then wake up with you every morning?"
Merit couldn't speak. She just hugged Bellamy tightly as his words made their way through her mind and heart, replacing the old words of hurt and animosity.
She would've had to be made of stone to not feel anything for Bellamy and in that moment she felt something powerful growing inside of her, something that was gradually scratching its way to the surface. It was small at first like a young flower bud, but increasingly the petals began to stretch forth and bloom into a full blown bouquet. Love, it was love that Merit felt blossoming inside of her.
Bellamy held her there. Not taking her silence as a yes or a no and not giving her an ultimatum. He just held her. "The offer's on the table…whenever you're ready."