J A C O B

CHAPTER SIX

"Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you." -Blue October

I quickly turned away from her warmth and let her go. If I stayed there any longer, I didn't know if I would have the strength to leave her then. Every muffled sob, every tear that fell from her tightly clenched eyes, the way she gripped my shirt were like knives driven over and over through my chest. The pain was incredible.

Nessie…

My eyes locked for a split second with those of Edward. I clearly saw my pain and torment mirrored in his. I could always count on him to not stay the hell out of my head.

I'm sorry for this… Please forgive me for hurting her, Edward.

I saw his jaw clench spasmodically and then I was running full tilt on all fours. I was vaguely aware of my clothes – what was left of them – trailing behind me. I bounded into the trees and the last thread of my control snapped when I heard her heartbroken cry.

"Jake…!"

I stumbled, hesitating, but I quickly caught myself. This wasn't just about me anymore – not about what I need. There were too many complications now. Things have changed – especially me. I accepted that now but that didn't mean it hurt less.

The dam that I had built to keep myself together fell apart – all the pain, anguish, bitterness, anger, and despair flooded me but I didn't shed a tear. I couldn't.

From beside me I heard Sam's sharp intake of breath as he was assaulted by the very same emotions that were set loose. Jumbled images of Renesmee, my dad, and everything else in between swam wildly in my head. Amidst all the chaos, I vaguely heard a heart-wrenching howl echo loudly in the trees. It took me a moment to realize that it was me.

It was only pure animal instincts that were keeping me going. The human part of me had retreated so far back into my mind – crippled by my pain.

Jacob – Sam started to say, struggling to form a coherent sentence.

Don't. I whispered in a weak voice, quickly cutting him off. I didn't want to hear it. I already knew what he was going to say. There was no comfort for me.

My mind finally focused on the memory of Renesmee from last night. Her wide chocolate eyes shining with uncertainty and determination, her cheeks burning bright red as she blushed furiously, the feel of her soft lips pressed innocently and yet forcefully against mine, the way she fit perfectly in my arms. My hand – or paw – twitched involuntarily, remembering the silky feel of her bronze curls through my fingers.

I no longer cared that Sam could clearly see and feel all of this as well. This was the only thing I had left of the girl that I loved with my entire being. I knew that he understood exactly how I felt because an image of Emily flashed briefly in his mind's eye. He tried to picture himself without her and couldn't.

I clenched my eyes shut, remembering how similar Renesmee looked to Bella when she hunched over and clutched her chest or how similar the pain in her eyes was to her mother's when Edward had left. I gritted my teeth, letting torment and regret gnaw me from the inside out.

I had hated Edward for leaving Bella like that and very nearly destroying her, despite the fact that he had done it to protect her. Now I'm doing exactly the same thing. That was where the similarities ended though because unlike Edward, I was never coming back. This was it. This was forever.

My eyes shot open, trying to escape the bleakness in my head. Letting my anger and bitterness fuel me, I stretched my legs farther, pushing myself faster. I felt Sam match my pace but he remained silent, quietly sharing my pain. I could feel remorse and helplessness radiating from him. Like me, he had no choice in all of this. We were all nothing but mere pawns in the grand scheme of things.

I was thankful for him being there though. Despite the fact that I was the Alpha now, I still considered him my mentor. He provided me an anchor – his solid presence was the only thing keeping me from completely losing myself.

Thanks. I murmured, meeting his solemn gaze.

He emitted a low gruff sound and gave his massive head a barely perceptible nod. He remained silent but his eyes spoke volumes. I knew he wanted to reassure me – to tell me everything was going to be fine but we both knew those were all lies. Nothing was ever going to be okay because if he was in my place and he lost everything, he wouldn't want me to tell him a load of crap either.

We ran all day and through the night – not stopping to eat or rest. I was trying to put as much distance as I could between myself and what I had left behind. I knew that if I stopped and I was still close enough to her, there was a huge possibility of me turning back. I gritted my teeth in anger. Going back would accomplish nothing. I would just end up hurting her even more when I leave again.

By sunrise, I was exhausted beyond belief. I quietly shot Sam a glance. He hadn't said anything to me at all, nor had he asked for us to stop but I knew he must be dead on his feet as well. We had slowed down considerably since last night and both of us were barely conscious. I felt like such an ass. Some Alpha I make. First day on the job and I run us close to death.

Sam pretended not to hear my thoughts as he continued to run alongside me. I jogged to a stop and dropped heavily on the ground. He quickly turned to me, worry mirrored in his eyes.

I'm okay. Sorry, Sam – we should have stopped to rest a long time ago.

He huffed in relief and quickly sank underneath a tree.

I rested my head atop my paws and thought of absolutely nothing. I didn't allow myself any human thoughts. I gratefully welcomed the sort of numbness that overcame me as I felt myself detach from everything. I was no longer Jacob in wolf form. I was now just an animal. As my animal instincts took over and grew stronger, the first thing I noticed was that my hunger had magnified to almost unbelievable proportions. The only thing consuming my mind was the need to feed myself.

Giving my instincts full reign, I got up from where I was and proceeded to sniff the air for prey. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sam slowly raise his head and watch me. I ignored him and turned toward the direction from where I had picked up the scent of a deer. I broke into a small jog, my stomach growling in anticipation of the coming food.

A loud bark stopped me on my tracks. I turned and stared at Sam, who had also gotten up from his spot and was now approaching me – his eyes alight with some emotion I couldn't understand. I turned away and was about to proceed in the direction of my meal when Sam jumped right in front of me, barking and growling in frenzy.

I snapped my jaws at him, snarling menacingly – reacting reflexively to the obvious threat he posed. I wasn't about to let him steal my meal. He continued to bark, nudging me on the chest with his nose. It wasn't too forceful but it was agitating me nonetheless. His eyes were searching mine and there were emotions in them that I didn't have names for. I was getting impatient and my hunger couldn't wait. He made a lunge for me again but I was quicker. He missed me and in an instant I had him on the ground – my jaw locked around his throat. If he didn't leave me alone, I wouldn't hesitate to kill him.

He gazed at me with wide eyes but I couldn't see any fear in them. His eyes seemed to be talking to me… pleading with me.

I felt as though the wind got knocked out of me. I blinked in confusion as I stared at him. It felt like I was waking up from a dream and my brain was taking a while to register what was going on.

Jacob?! Jake! Can you hear me?

Sam's voice sounded far away. I gasped when I realized what I was about to do. I quickly released him and backed away, breathing heavily. I gazed at him in remorse and confusion. I had no idea what just happened. He sprang to his feet and approached me cautiously. I met his eyes and I clearly saw panic and worry in them and this time, I recognized and understood what I saw.

Jacob?

What the hell just happened? I asked in panic. I saw relief wash over him at my response.

You were gone for a while there. He replied.

What do you mean gone? I stared at him, completely at a loss. I hated the feeling of not getting a handle on things. It made me feel utterly helpless and vulnerable.

I got worried when I suddenly couldn't hear your human thoughts. They were just gone. I tried to listen closer but all I got from you was your hunger and the desire for food. Purely animal.

He turned to look at me and gave a low snort. If he was human that probably would have been a sigh.

Don't ever shut yourself off like that ever again, Jake. You could lose yourself and by the time you come to… He stopped, grimacing a little, before continuing. You may have already done something irreversible and you would never be able to forgive yourself…

I inhaled deeply as understanding dawned on me. I had purposely shut myself off to keep my pain away but in doing so only the animal remained. I had almost killed Sam.

Sorry… Was all I could say.

You couldn't hear me back there, could you? He asked after a moment, resting his head on the ground.

I gave my head a shake.

All I heard was you barking and growling like crazy. I grinned.

Well I kind of panicked. He replied awkwardly. Just a little…

My grin widened. I stretched slowly and dropped my head atop my paws once more, closing my eyes. Like a ghost, an image of Renesmee started creeping into my mind. It was so clear and real that it felt as though she was really there, grinning impishly at me. I ground my teeth together trying to ignore the throbbing pain that exploded in my chest. My eyes shot open and met Sam's sympathetic eyes. At this rate neither of us would be able to get some much needed sleep.

Maybe you should phase back and get some sleep that way. He suggested hopefully. I don't blame him.

I kind of destroyed the only pair of pants I had with me… I sighed, remembering the tattered pieces of clothes floating behind me when I phased with them on yesterday.

Their – ah -- mom, Esme, gave that to me yesterday. It was clothes she said. He replied motioning toward the small bag tied around his ankle. I think she knew you would need those.

I felt a pang in my chest as I stared at the rather expensive looking bag. Esme… She had been like a mother to me. No. She had really been a mother to me the whole time I was there. She treated me exactly how she treated everybody else. She always knew exactly what we needed and when we needed them. Like yesterday – she knew I would need clothes.

Sam looked away – clearly uncomfortable of my recollection of Esme. I sighed and closed my eyes, phasing back to human form. It was then that I felt the full impact of my fatigue and hunger. I leaned heavily against the tree, barely managing to untie the bag from Sam's ankle. I opened the bag and smiled slightly when I saw that not only did she pack clothes, she also managed to squeeze in a few items of food. I held up a tightly wrapped sandwich, eyeing Sam questioningly. I wasn't sure if he wanted any of it, considering how averse he was to their smell and – after all this time – he still didn't completely trust them.

Sam let out a low grunt which sounded like a cross between a sigh and a growl. I grinned at his obvious discomfort but was taken by surprise when he phased back and gingerly took the sandwich from my hand. He eyed the offending sandwich warily just as his stomach made the mother of all groans. Unable to contain myself, I started cracking up like crazy. I really did feel bad for him but at the same time it was just all too funny.

Having lived with the Cullens for so long had clearly desensitized me to their smell that had once been so nauseating to me. It didn't even bother me in the least anymore. I struggled to contain myself at seeing the irritated look on Sam's face.

"Sorry. Couldn't help myself." I managed to say between laughs, taking a sandwich for myself and throwing him a pair of pants that was in the bag.

He caught it and held it away from his face, wrinkling his nose.

"Seriously, Sam. It's not that bad." I sighed, standing up and pulling on the other pair.

"Speak for yourself, Jake. I haven't exactly been shacking up with a coven of vampires for the past – oh I don't know – 5 years like you have." He retorted, annoyed.

"Sure, sure." I replied dismissively, not in the mood to get into an argument with him.

He knew it was either eat the food, put on the pants and sleep or phase back, go hunt, eat, then sleep. He was too exhausted to hunt but he was also having a hard time getting over the smell. I watched him slowly peel the wrapping off of the bread and proceeded to sniff it. I rolled my eyes at him and shifted my attention back to my own food. I ripped off the wrapping and took a huge bite off of it. I could feel Sam's astonished gaze on my face as I continued to devour my food.

"Told you it's not bad. It's really good actually." I said between mouthfuls. "It's turkey and swiss cheese." I added after a closer inspection of my quickly disappearing sandwich.

Sam sighed defeatedly, closed his eyes and finally took a bite. I watched in amusement as he struggled to chew it and fight to keep it from coming back out. It was like watching Sam getting tortured. I chuckled softly and decided to check what else Esme had managed to squeeze in for us. I was surprised to find two bottles of water in the very bottom of the bag. I quickly glanced at Sam who had finally finished his sandwich – looking slightly green in the face – and was pulling on his own pair of pants.

He had been dragging this bag from his ankle since yesterday while running at our insane pace. It must have been pretty heavy. I thought in amazement, feeling even guiltier.

He turned around, smoothing down his pants.

"Aside from the smell, these are some nice pair of pants." He mused, lightly catching the bottle of water I had tossed over to him.

"Yeah… Alice has – umm – really expensive taste in clothes." I replied slowly.

"Alice…? She buys you… clothes?" He asked incredulously.

"She buys all of the guys' clothes. Sometimes Esme would but most of the time it's Alice." I tried to explain but he was still staring at me uncomprehendingly.

"Okay… Alice loves shopping – too much if you ask me – and she loves clothes. She hates it when we wear the same thing every time, especially the guys… So she decided she'd be in charge of buying stuff for us—" I trailed off when I noticed the weird look Sam was giving me.

"What?" I asked, feeling self-conscious.

He merely shook his head.

"What is it?" I demanded – a little annoyed – although I had a feeling it had something to do with my relationship with the Cullens.

"It's nothing… It's just the way you talk about them." He murmured – more to himself that to me.

"They're family to me, Sam." I answered him levelly. "And they regarded me as one of their own with no questions asked."

"We are your family, Jacob." He quickly countered, frowning.

"I know that." I muttered darkly, shaking off the quivering in my flesh. "I've made my choice, haven't I?"

His gazed briefly at the familiar spasms on my skin and met my icy glare once more.

"What would your choice have been had you been in my place, Sam?" I challenged bitterly.

His jaw clenched and he quickly tore his gaze away from mine.

"Who would you have chosen?" I could no longer contain my anger. The hot tears that threatened to spill only served to infuriate me even more.

"It's not the same–"

"Exactly." I countered through clenched teeth. "Spare me your righteous preaching because you don't know anything." I finished acidly and abruptly stood up.

I walked briskly away, my anger seething dangerously. I could feel my skin twitching uncontrollably – itching to phase. But the last thing I needed was Sam barging in on my thoughts again. I needed to be alone. That realization struck me hard. I stopped short and slumped down against the nearest tree, dropping my head into my hands.

I let my guard slip and fall and the flood of tears I had been keeping in check finally spilled down my cheeks. The force of it left me breathless. The broken sobs that managed to escape my tightly clenched jaw sounded alien to my ears. It was as though I was listening to someone else. I clamped my lips tighter together and buried my head between my knees, letting the unrelenting wave of tears rack my entire body.

Even when I finally let myself grieve, I still didn't know for who – or what – I was grieving for. I was torn. I had told Sam that I had made my choice. That wasn't a lie. I did make a choice but it wasn't something that I would have chosen had I been given a way out. It was just something that had already been decided for me and not what I truly wanted. Because deep down – past the convoluted thoughts, the rage, the bitterness, and anguish – I knew exactly who I would've chosen and where I wanted to be.

Author's notes: I'm sorry this is such a cliffhanger ; ; I'm still in the process of finishing Chapter 7. Busy with work and such... Le sigh... But! Please do leave a review or comment and tell me if you liked it (or hated it) :) Any feedback is greatly appreciated and is a great help! Will be updating soon! (I hope...) ~Anigrrl