Hi everyone! This is a little Brittany's POV on the whole meeting. Tell me what you guys think!
Earlier that same day
How did I end up here again? Why did I come?
I take a deep breath as I close my eyes. Of course. The answer is there, it's always the same one. Her. I need to see her again. It's been so long I don't even know how to start a conversation. What do you say after almost 10 years of silence? Hello? Nice to see you? No, she wouldn't like that. I have to shake my head and try to understand that as much as it hurts me, I don't know what she would like anymore. When mom called a few weeks ago to say she'd gotten an invitation for me at the house, my first instinct was to tell her to throw it away. Why would I go back to Lima if not for her? But then it hit me: She must've gotten the same invitation. And maybe, just maybe, she'd be there. So instead of telling my mom to forget it, I asked her to reply for me and confirm my assistance. I went online and booked a ticket before even telling Pierre at the studio. I think that was my first indication that I was just waiting for something to call me back home. But why did I have to wait so long?
The flight from Berlin was uneventful, but long. I slept most of the way, except when I woke up at 2 am and replayed a whole old Cheerios routine in my mind before going back to sleep. This had been happening often lately. And only old Cheerios routine helped relax me. Thinking about routines is always my go-to sleeping method, but of course the only ones she's in are the Cheerios, so I need to see her there, in my mind.
When I arrived in Lima, my mom and dad picked me up and we spent hours in the living room just catching up. My mom had taken out my favorite blanket and I sat curled up in it with a mug of hot chocolate with little marshmallows and just talked to my parents and listened to their stories with Abby. She was still in college, finals they said, so she wouldn't be home for a few weeks and they hoped I could stay that long to see her, since it had been years since we had all been together under the same roof. Lima isn't very big, and I didn't want anyone else to know I was there until Will and Emma's party, because I couldn't risk her finding out and not coming. So I just hauled up at home for three days before the party. The only other person who knows I'm here is Becky, but she promised not to say anything to anyone.
Today I woke up really early, maybe from nerves. I decided to go for a run, clear my head and breathe a little. During my walk, I stopped at that park. That park that meant so much to us, so long ago. It's where we first said I love you, as girlfriends, back in junior year. I remember the picnic I packed, and how she laughed when she saw it was only pringles, grapes and gummy worms. Luckily, because she knew me so well, she had brought some sandwiches and juice as well. We sat in this rickety wooden table and ate, as she squished ants under the table because she thought I wouldn't notice, but I did. I didn't say anything because I was so happy she was finally holding my hand and smiling, without looking around to see if someone would see us. I had been wanting to say I love you since that first kiss under the covers two years before, but I knew this was something she needed to say first.
"So do you think Gummy Bears and Sour Patch Kids are related?" I remember the look on her face when I asked her that question. She was the only person I was comfortable around to ask the kind of things that went through my head all the time. She looked at me with big sparkly eyes that were boiling with emotion. She smiled that beautiful smile that always made me feel warm inside and chuckled. And I heard it escape her lips, almost as an afterthought: "I love you..."
My head stopped working and I could only stare at her. She didn't even realize she said it for about 10 seconds. I saw the realization on her face when her smile froze and she looked away and started wringing her wrists as she always did when she was nervous. I got up and went around to kneel in front of her, forcing her to move away from the table and face me. I grabbed her hands in mine and found her eyes and locked on them. I smiled at her. "I love you, too Santana." That smile that broke on her face was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was pure happiness and relief. And I understood right then that she hadn't said it before because she was scared I wouldn't say it back. But how could I NOT love her? I guess that was part of her own insecurities I spent years trying to chip away.
She let out a "really?" and I leaned forward to kiss her and whisper "of course" against her lips. She put her arms around me and squeezed me tight, as if she wanted to get as close to me as possible. I could feel her tears leaving a little pool on my shoulder, but I knew better than to acknowledge it. We hugged for what felt like forever, perfectly content to let our bodies tell each other how we felt.
After our lunch, we walked back to my house holding hands and watched a movie with my parents and Abby, cuddled under my favorite blanket.
This picnic table brought all that back, and I finally realized why I hadn't come home so much: because she's everywhere.
I wiped a stray tear, shook my head and continued my run around town, until I got back home panting and ready for a shower.
Mom was in the kitchen making waffles, so I gave her a quick kiss before going upstairs to shower and change into clean clothes and get ready for family breakfast.
After lunch my mom helped me decide what to wear, and now here I am, standing in front of the mirror in my parents' bedroom readjusting my sleeves. The pants are a little tighter than they were at the store, but maybe because I've been stress eating for two days and my mom has the biggest gummy worms stash ever! I think the white silk shirt looks good with the black pants. I don't want to get too dressed up, because how will I dance? My hair falls straight to my sides, and I have on very little makeup, I usually don't wear any, but this is an occasion, right? I take a deep breath and walk downstairs where my parents are watching TV. Dad mutes the TV when I walk into the living room and they both look at me. I stand there feeling nervous so I tell them to please say something. Mom beams and says: "Oh honey, you look so beautiful! Doesn't she, Pierce?"
Dad nods. "Absolutely. You're stunning, sweetie."
I blush. They always know what to say to make me feel better. "Thanks guys… um, Becky should be here any minute now." I glance out the door, but there are no headlights approaching. Mom motions to the couch, so I sit next to her and try to concentrate on the TV. 8 minutes later, there's a knock on the door. I jump up to get it and it's Becky, smiling wide as always. We hug.
"Let's rock this bitch!"
I laugh and wave goodbye to my parents, who look a little stunned at Becky's language. I'm used to it by now. I walk towards the car and I notice a handsome guy driving. "This is my boyfriend Mark, hotstuff, this is my friend Brittany." Mark waves at me and I do the same. He has a very honest smile, I like it.
"Nice to meet you Brittany, I've heard a lot about you! Please, get in." I get in the backseat and get the lowdown on Mark as he drives us towards the party. Turns out he's a manager at Quiznos and they met in college. He's not coming to the party, but he has graciously agreed to be our driver. I think that's sweet of him, and I say so. When we get to the party, I notice there are a lot of people here already. Good. I asked Becky if we could arrive about a half an hour later than the invitation said to, just to ensure that if she had come, she'd be here before me. I figure they're all coming from New York together, and I know Mercedes is a sucker for being on time, so she would make them get there early. Even after so many years, some things never change.
The room is so pretty with all these reds and whites, it makes me smile. I quickly scan the room and my heart stops as I see her. It's impossible to miss her, really, since she radiates. Maybe that's just me, maybe she has this special Brittany beacon, but that can't be. Everyone notices when she walks into a room. And lavender is definitely her color. With a sigh of relief, I see our table is a way behind hers, so there's no way she can see me as I come closer. There are many people at the table, Coach Sue is there, Coach Beiste with a scary man who has a really loud laugh, a few Cheerios I vaguely remember and Jacob Ben Israel. He immediately wants to tweet about my presence at the party, but I silence him with threatening to tell everyone about the time I found him in the Cheerios locker room sniffing Sue's underwear. That shuts him up. Will and Emma walk to our table and they are surprised, but pleased, to see me, as I am to be there. We try to keep chatting, but a stern man with a headset calls them away. A few minutes later, they are on stage welcoming us to the party and announcing dinner. I always find it funny that they have to announce it. Wouldn't people notice dinner is coming when they see the waiters? Anyway, the waiters come, obviously, and we eat. Sue is going on about how when she was the chef at this hotel the food was better, and everyone is half listening to her. I can't concentrate properly because I keep stealing glances three tables forward, where she is sitting, with all of our old friends. I still keep in touch with some of them, but Quinn, Rachel and Mercedes have kind of distanced themselves from me, out of loyalty I presume, and I don't blame them for it. I understand. We talk from time to time, but it's not the same, and I know not to ask about her, and they never offer any information either.
After a delicious dinner, I guess Will has asked some people to sing. I shouldn't be surprised, since he always likes to save on entertainment by making New Directions sing. He announces: "And what better way to start this, than with our own New Directions' superstars? Please welcome on stage Mercedes Jones, Santana Lopez and Quinn and Rachel Fabray-Berry!" I have to remind myself to breathe. She's right there, looking stunning in that lavender dress and with wild curls, just like she prefers. I listen to that voice that always melts my heart, and I notice the performance, the way she acts on stage. It's mesmerizing. This is where she belongs, I've always known it, and I've always said so. Maybe I'm biased, but I think she steals the show. When the song ends, I clap along with everyone else and I see them get off the stage and wander off to drink. My heart wants me to follow them, but I know it wouldn't be right. I need to get her alone if I'm going to approach. Otherwise, she'll just get defensive and let the rest of them protect her. After many more performances where all I can do is stare at her and marvel at the fact she can't sense my gaze. She used to. We would always lock eyes whenever we were in the same room, no matter how many people were there or even if we were mad at each other. We were opposite magnets, always pulling each other towards one another. And now here I am, so outside of that circle that I begin to wonder just what the hell I'm doing here. I can't help but think that Puck, Sam and Finn's song is directed right at us. Because here I am, back again, back for her. I know it's crazy and I have no place in her life anymore, but I have to try. Even if I'm the one who pushed her away.
When the dj starts playing something more upbeat, Becky grabs my arm and asks me to go dance with her. I drag her towards the far end of the dance floor, ensuring a good 30 people between me and her. We dance and have fun, spotting a few people who come over to say hello, including Tina and Mike. I freeze because I know they're at the same table as her, but then I remember not everyone knows that we're not speaking anymore. Artie is surprised to see me, and I'm happy to see him, because he hasn't really changed, only his glasses changed. We dance a bit before he wheels off again. I think the vodka is getting to me, so I make a beeline for the bathroom, always careful not to get too close to her side. I run into Finn and Kurt's parents, I know her name is Carol, but I can't remember his name and I don't want to be rude. I know they're their parents because they won't shut up about Kurt's fashion career and Finn taking over the tire shop. Burt! That's his name. I knew I'd remember it eventually. I excuse myself – politely, I hope – and I go back to find Becky. We sit back in our table as Will walks on stage again. It looks like he's gonna perform magic, because I see the black hat from where he pulled the duck out once. But no, he says every old glee kid is going to sing a duet. I freeze. At some point, he's gonna call my name, and what – crap – what if once again because of fate, we are paired up together? No, I wouldn't go up. I can't. But if it's someone else, this may be my chance to let her know I'm back, perhaps see how she reacts? Yes, I can't very well go over to her now since I don't know when they'll call my name. They call a boy over, and then her. I breathe again. At least I avoided that little embarrassment. I don't recognize the guy, so he must be younger. I see them talking animatedly, and I chuckle, because I know she's gonna get her way. When the music starts, my mind goes blank again. She always has that effect on me. I clap along with everyone else, and when they get off stage, I see them walk over to the bar to drink. Huh, guess she must've liked him? He looks pretty happy to be drinking next to her, so I assume he's heard all the stories at school. At least the good ones. I force myself to focus back on the next duets, but my eyes drift sideways towards the bar. I'm so ridiculous. I haven't laid eyes on her in 10 years and here I am, back again feeling like when I was 17. I still have our pictures, but it's different when it's in the flesh. And the thought forms before me knowing it. I love her. Of course I do. I never stopped, not really. Not even while I was dating other people. It's a special kind of love, and I let it go. And Santana deserves to know why, and I need to tell her. Santana. That's the first time I've actually spoken her name in a long time. I never say it because it hurts too much. But seeing her here, I can start to use it again. I'm not afraid anymore. I made it this far, right? If I'm being honest with myself, I've been gearing up for this moment for the last 10 years. Will's voice brings me back to the present. And it should, since he's saying my name. I freeze, noticing how Santana freezes. Becky gives me a little nudge and I sprint towards the stage as Will calls on another name. I faintly hear applause as I get on stage and Will hugs me. He introduces me to Rodrick, and I don't wait to hear his suggestions, because I know what I want to sing. And I hope he knows it and can help me. "Rodrick, do you know Michael Buble?" He looks at me quizzically. "Of course." I clasp his shoulder. "Good, so let's do Haven't Met You Yet. Cool?" He nods and smiles. "Awesome."
As we sing, I direct my words towards the bar, towards Santana. I hope she can really listen to them. This is my first step, this is me opening this door. I just need her to want to walk in. Or is it: let me in? I don't know the finer details of the metaphor, but the point is I need us to talk soon.
The song is over before I know it, and I go down to the dance floor where I'm embraced by many of my old friends who want to know what I've been doing. I see Quinn, Mercedes and Rachel turn around and walk over to Santana and I'm not surprised. I concentrate on the people around me and start catching up. I know I have to give Santana some time to compose herself before I can even begin to think about how to approach her. I'm talking to Artie and Mike for a while, as I see from the corner of my eye how Santana and the girls walk back to the dance floor. Tina pulls me towards the cake table to gush about her daughters and show me pictures, so I lose sight of Santana.
After a few other people I don't know, Will calls Rachel and Mike on stage, and even though it takes her a moment, Rachel walks up looking a little startled and stumbling a bit. I never hear what they sing, because I feel a tap on my shoulder. When I turn around, Quinn is standing there with her hands on her hips and an unreadable expression on her face. I'm really bad at reading Quinn because she's always good at hiding how she feels. I smile shyly.
"Hey…"
Quinn raises an eyebrow and motions for me to follow her out of the room and towards the hallway. I feel like a bad puppy who's gonna get yelled at. I slump my shoulders and follow her out. She turns towards me and I think I see a little smile forming.
"You sure know how to make an entrance."
I chuckle. "I didn't really plan it like that."
She lets her arms fall to the side and shakes her head as she walks forward and gives me a hug. I wasn't really expecting it, but it feels good to hug Quinn again. She still smells the same. "C'mere".
"I missed you, Q. You look great."
She breaks the hug and smiles at me. "I missed you too, Britt." I can see the question in her eyes. The 'What are you doing here?' question she's too polite to just come out and ask. I take a deep breath.
"Are you here to yell at me?"
Quinn frowns. "Why would I yell at you?"
I shrug. "For everything. For disappearing and now just showing up."
She relaxes her face. "I'm sure you had your reasons, and honestly Britt, we both know I'm not the one you owe an explanation to. I just missed my friend."
I know she's right. "You're right. I just – I don't – I don't know what to say." To her. I don't say it, but Quinn knows.
Quinn shrugs. "I don't think there's anything you can say, at least not tonight. Sam took her upstairs a little while ago, she – um, she kinda drank too much so she's resting."
I know why she drank so much. Because I was there. I ruined her night. I know it. My eyes fill with tears, but Quinn wipes them away. "No, Britt, relax, you have every right to be here, too. It's not your fault how she reacts, ok?"
I nod. There's nothing I can say, really. Quinn cups my face. "Can we go back in and dance, please? I want to enjoy my night with my wife and my friends, and you know I'll always think of you as one of my best friends, Britt."
I smile at her and give her a hug. "I'm really sorry I missed your wedding, Q." My voice is barely a whisper, but it's something I've wanted to say for 8 years. Quinn strokes my hair.
"Water under the bridge, Brittany. Rachel and I understand, and plus, we got to see you on the honeymoon, so don't worry. Now take a deep breath and come back inside with me, please." I wipe my tears and manage a smile. Quinn takes my hand and we go back inside, where I finally greet Mercedes, Rachel, Puck and Finn. They all welcome me and give me hugs. I was a little tense at first but I start to relax when I realize none of them are going to ask me questions about Santana or what happened.
The rest of the night is a blur, and not because I had champagne, but because I'm with my old friends, laughing and dancing and singing. We start an impromptu performance of Don't Stop Believin', our New Directions anthem, but since most of us are drunk, it's not as good as we think it is. Even Rachel is a little pitchy, but she bursts into tears when Mercedes points it out, and it takes Quinn 20 minutes and 2 bottles of water to calm her down. It doesn't really help that we're all laughing.
I get a text from Becky saying she left because she got bored, so I realize I don't have a ride. Puck offers to share a cab with me, and he drops me home at around 4. Before I left, I made sure to give Quinn my new number and she said she'd call me in the morning so we could get together before she left for New York. When I get home, I tiptoe to my room and collapse on the bed.
I'm awakened by the smell of pancakes. My head doesn't hurt much, because I managed to stop drinking an hour before leaving and just drank water. But I'm exhausted still. I look at my bedside clock and I see it's almost 10. I wash my face and change into sweats before walking downstairs. Mom and dad are in the kitchen table. I kiss them good morning and pile the pancakes on my plate. I spend breakfast filling my parents in on my night. I leave out the Santana of it all, because I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
At noon I get a text from Quinn that reads: "Can we have lunch?" I immediately reply with a 'yes' and we make plans to meet at 1:30. I take a quick shower and get ready. I decide to walk to the restaurant, since it's not that far away and I have missed walking around Lima. I get there 5 minutes before we're supposed to meet, but I'm not surprised to see Quinn there already, reading a book. I slide in the booth across from her, and she smiles at me.
"You're early!"
"Yeah, well, I walked over here, and I figured you'd be here already."
Quinn chuckles and sets her book aside. The waiter comes over and we glance at the menu before ordering. When he leaves, I rest my head on my palm and look at my friend.
"So, how's Rachel? And how did you get away from her?"
She laughs. "Rachel's fine, her show is doing pretty well and she's already in talks for the next one… And she's at the hotel spa getting pampered; she's calling this a mini vacation since we rarely get to be more than 24 hours away from the twins."
I ask her about the boys, and she gushes, as all mothers do I presume, and I just listen. It's still kind of shocking for me to hear Quinn talk about her kids. Her kids with Rachel. We all knew they loved each other, but I didn't think they'd admit it to one another. I'm glad they did. They are so in love and it makes me so happy. After the waiter brings our food, Quinn turns a little more serious.
"So, um, Britt, how come you decided to come back home for Shuester's thing? You haven't been here in 3 years…"
I take a deep breath. "Well, I was already planning on coming, so I just readjusted my dates."
She puts her fork down and turns her attention solely to me. "And how long are you staying in Lima?"
I look around and make a vague gesture. "A week or two I suppose, Abby is coming home after finals and I want to see her before I leave."
Quinn raises an eyebrow. "And where are you leaving for now? Back to Germany?"
This is it. This is the question she's been wanting to ask since last night. And finally, I am absolutely sure of my answer. I meet her gaze. "No. New York."