Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.
Author's Note: Well, Damon isn't dead. That may be the only positive thing I can say about the finale…
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"I see dead people!" Jeremy exclaimed.
"Oh hell!" groaned Alaric. "I have to babysit Haley Joel Osment next season?"
"I'm so happy! I finally get some character development!" Stefan said giddily. "I've only been waiting two freaking seasons for this!"
"But you're going to leave me," Elena pouted.
"Don't worry, honey. I'll come back and you can forgive me for being a murderous bastard and we'll be sweet again. I just need to have some fun first, you know?"
"Fun with me," Katherine drawled, trailing her fingers over his arm.
"Hey!" Elena protested. "Stop that!"
"Don't give me that face. You get to hang out with Damon all season while Stefan's gone. Fair's fair."
"Oh, come on. You know that I only kissed Damon out of pity," Elena replied.
"Do you have to remind me?" groaned Damon.
"Yes. If we're going to spend time together while Stefan's away, you have to remember the rules. No one can love Damon. Ever," Elena told him primly.
"My life seriously sucks," Damon muttered. "Now I have to go get tortured by Klaus because I owe my idiot brother for 'saving' me."
"Oh, don't look so depressed. You know I'd kill you if Julie let me," Klaus told him.
"This is gonna be painful, isn't it?" Damon said, resigned.
"Yep. But no more painful than all the other shit you've been through this season," Klaus reminded him.
"Oh, we've got lots of fun in store for you next season, Damon," Julie assured him with an evil grin.
"Does it involve lots of alcohol and sorority girls?" he asked hopefully.
"We might be able to squeeze some of that in between the bloody torture and the crushing emotional pain," she mused. "Now that we've killed any hope of 'Delena' ever happening, I guess you deserve some fun."
"Why did you kill off the love triangle? I thought that was an integral part of the show. God knows Stefan and Elena are the most boring couple ever," Damon asked.
"They are not boring. Theirs is an epic romance-"she broke off as Stefan started snoring loudly, and hit him to wake him up.
"As I was saying," she continued, "they are epic, because I said so. Now, the love triangle thing wasn't really a triangle, it was really a straight line between Stefan and Elena, and you were just a tangent to it."
"Seriously? I'm getting a fucking geometry lesson now?" Damon grimaced.
"Well, you asked. See, we needed to underscore that Elena doesn't love you, will never love you, and could never have loved you, even if you were your 1864 self. No matter what you do or how hard you try, it will always be Stefan."
"I really hate you. Where's Kevin?" Damon asked.
"He's busy working on the Secret Circle series. And don't think he would save you. He enjoys torturing you as much as I do," Julie told him.
"Can I make his brain explode next season?" asked Bonnie. "I haven't gotten to do that in a while."
"That could be good. You'll need something to do now that Jeremy's seeing all his dead ex-girlfriends," Julie said.
"Can I just say that that is seriously screwed up?" Alaric interjected.
"You're just jealous because you can't see Jenna," Jeremy told him.
"Yeah? Well I hope Uncle John pops up in the middle of your ghostly threesomes," Alaric snapped.
Jeremy looked sick.
"How long do our contracts run for on this show?" asked Damon, seriously grossed out.
"Forever," said Julie, giving them a smug smile. "You're all mine for as long as the ratings hold out."
"I really hate my life," Damon muttered.