"How was dinner?" asked Tetch, looking up from his paper as Crane entered the dining room the next morning.
"I don't want to talk about it," he muttered.
"Oh dear," said Tetch lightly, flipping a page in the newspaper. "I was so hoping it wasn't a case of 'you were right, Jervis,' 'I'm so sorry for doubting you, Jervis…'"
"She kissed me, Jervis," interrupted Crane. "She drank too much, and she kissed me, and she beat up the Joker, and she suggested that we come back here and make love."
Tetch stared at him. "You didn't, did you?" he murmured.
"No, of course I didn't!" snapped Crane. "I couldn't live with myself if I'd taken advantage of the girl like that!"
"Quite right, too," agreed Tetch. "But I can certainly imagine how tempting the situation must have been."
"As…unbelievably tempting as the idea was, I just thought of her face when she woke up next to me in bed and realized…I wasn't the man she wanted to be there," murmured Crane. "The slow horror, the gradual realization that she'd made a terrible mistake, the consuming guilt…I just couldn't have put her through it, Jervis."
Tetch nodded. "Do you think she'll remember anything about it?" he asked.
They both heard Harley's door slam at that moment. "I suppose we'll find out," sighed Crane.
"Holy guacamole!" cried Harley, stumbling into the room in her bathrobe and clutching her forehead. "Ya got any painkillers, Jervis? I feel like there's someone banging a gong inside my skull!"
"Yes, just a moment, my dear," said Tetch, standing up to get her some pills and a glass of water, which she eagerly swallowed.
"Jesus, I must have gone to town on the alcohol last night," she muttered, sinking into a chair and burying her face in her hands. "Why didn't you stop me, Johnny?"
"I tried," replied Crane. "You weren't listening to reason."
"That sounds like me," agreed Harley. "I'm such an idiot sometimes."
She sighed heavily, looking up at him. "I didn't do anything stupid last night, though, did I?"
Crane shook his head slowly. "No, my dear," he said. "No, you didn't."
"Well, that's a relief," said Harley. "I had this horrible dream that I beat up Mr. J."
The doorbell rang at that moment. "I'll get it," said Tetch. He opened the door, and his face froze in horror. "Oh, not you…" he murmured.
"Yeah, good morning to you too, Hatty!" snapped the Joker, shoving his way past him. He was limping slightly, leaning heavily on his cane, and his face was purple from cuts and bruises. "Harley and her paramour up yet?"
"Mr…J?" stammered Harley, standing up as he entered the room. Her face was a mixture of concern and confusion. "What happened to you? You look worse than that time Bats and Superman beat you up together!"
Joker glared at her, but didn't respond. "Here," he snapped, shoving a bottle of bleach at her. "I brought you something to wash the nerd germs off with. Be sure to use it inside and out." He winced in pain. "And then come home."
"Nerd…germs?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "What are you talking about?"
"The Professor here," said Joker, nodding at Crane. "You and he did the dirty last night, right? That's what you said you were gonna do."
Harley stared at him in shock. "Oh…no, puddin', no, we…we didn't." She turned to Crane. "We didn't, huh, Johnny?" she asked, hopeful and pleading.
He shook his head. "We didn't," he assured her. "You fell asleep in the car and I put you straight to bed. Nothing happened."
Joker snorted. "Right, like I believe that. Even if Harley wasn't awake for it, I imagine you at least felt around a little…"
"Don't judge me by your own disgusting standards!" snapped Crane, angrily. "I only lay a hand on her to carry her to bed! I wouldn't dream of doing anything to her without her knowledge or against her will, even if you would, you sick monster!"
"No, Mr. J wouldn't do that," snapped Harley, rounding on the Joker again. "He ain't interested in me even when I'm awake! That's why he dumped me for Selina! Well, maybe I've had enough of your crap, Mr. J! Maybe I should be with a nice guy like Johnny after all!" she said, taking Crane's arm.
Joker drew in a deep breath. "Harley, you've had your fun," he muttered. "But it's time to come home now, huh?"
"What about Selina?" demanded Harley.
"Oh, for God's sake, the whole thing was just a joke!" snapped Joker. "She wanted to make Batsy jealous by pretending we were a couple, and I thought it'd be a laugh riot to go along with it! But it ain't a laugh riot! The joke ain't funny anymore! So just stop all this nonsense and come home now!"
Harley studied him in silence. "Why didn't you tell me it was a joke?" she muttered.
"Because I thought it would be funnier not to! I thought you were gonna get angry and fight Catwoman for me, not just instantly move on with some nerd! I thought you loved me, for God's sake!"
"You thought my pain and rage and jealousy would be funny?" demanded Harley. "You were willing to break my heart just for some stupid joke?"
"Yeah!" exclaimed the Joker. "And I'd do it again! Because I thought you loved it, you dumb blonde! I thought you loved me! And that's what I do! I make jokes! And sometimes you're the punchline to 'em, but I always thought you liked that, because it made you feel like you were special to me! And you are special to me, Harley! I can't play with anyone else the way I do you! No one else would let me!"
"You mean no one else would put up with you?" demanded Harley. "The way I do, like some pathetic little doormat, just waiting around for you to change your mind and take me back to walk all over me again! Well, I am sick of being a doormat, Mr. J! And I'm sick of being the poor, pathetic punchline to your selfish jokes! I ain't coming home with you until you learn to act like a gentleman, just like Johnny here," she said, nodding at him. "That's the kinda guy I want now – a nice, sweet, caring gentleman, not some egotistical, self-centered creep! If you can prove to me that you can change your behavior for me, then I'll believe that you love me, and I'll come back. If you can't, then it will prove to me that you don't really care, and I'm gonna try to move on with my life. It's your choice, Mr. J."
The Joker was livid. "You want me to be more like…him?" he hissed, throwing a finger at Crane. "Batman's nerdiest enemy…"
"I would contest that Edward Nygma is Batman nerdiest enemy," spoke up Tetch.
"Yeah, I'll agree with that, Hatty," said Joker, nodding. "All right, Batman second nerdiest enemy? Some spineless, nonthreatening…"
"Nice, sweet guy, yeah," finished Harley, nodding. "That don't mean you have to give up the whole supervillain thing, Mr. J, or even the whole evil thing – Johnny's still an evil supervillain, after all. But it does mean you have to start treating me with respect and kindness. Maybe not forever – maybe I won't like it, and I'll want things to go back to the way they were. But prove to me you'll at least try to change for me."
"You can't blackmail me like this!" shouted Joker. "I won't be blackmailed by the likes of you, some pathetic, dumb blonde…"
"Well, you don't look up to taking me in a fight," interrupted Harley. "So either you accept my terms, or you leave. Up to you."
Joker glared from Harley to Crane. "You keep your nerdy hands off her," he growled, threateningly. "I got her adjusted to my size down there and I don't want her shrinking."
"That's just the kind of comment ya gotta learn to cut out, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "If you don't know how to be a decent person, I guess you'd better find someone to teach ya. But it ain't gonna be me! Or Johnny!"
Joker turned to Tetch. "Hatty?" he asked, hopefully.
"Not for all the tea in Wonderland," retorted Tetch.
"Fine, I got other friends!" snapped Joker. "Friends who know how to be nice, decent people! Can't think of any right now, but I'm sure they exist! Who needs you losers?"
He hobbled to the door. "And after I've proven to you I can be some simpering, pathetic wuss of a gentleman, and you've come back home, I'm gonna give you such a beating for this! You won't be able to move for weeks!"
He slammed the door behind him, and Harley sighed. "Y'see, Johnny?" she murmured, dreamily. "He does love me!"