Title: A Sailor's Love

Author: Me

Language: English

Fandom: Titanic

Characters: W. Murdoch, C. Lightoller, OC

Pairing: OC/W. Murdoch, OC/C. Lightoller

Genres: Drama, Romance

Warnings: Abuse, Language, Violence

Words: 4,161

« If you're going to have to choose between me and someone else, pick them. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is going to question if they made the right choice. »

Chapter 6

April 12th, 1912

What was wrong with me?

I had kissed a man, a stranger, and I had enjoyed every second of it. The kiss had been warm, timid and loving. It had been a terrible mistake to go see the officers. Their faces continued to invade my mind and only made the situation worse. Now I couldn't seem to stay away from them. This fire inside of me was growing by the second. I would not be able to put it out before it was too late.

It was too late.

Yesterday, sleep had taken a while to come when I got back to my cabin. Mother had ruined my night with her visit and reminding me of my place in the society. Charles worried me with his distant attitude towards me. It was none of my concern, but I couldn't help feeling like he didn't want to be around me. The time spent with William had been incredible. He didn't know me but was willing to listen to me and support me the best he could. Someone who listened was all that I needed.

''Alison?''

A raspy, low, irritated, and familiar masculine voice took me out of my thoughts.

''Alison?'' it demanded again, harsher this time, grabbing my arm tightly. ''What is the matter with you?''

Turning my head in its direction, I saw a face I didn't want to see in the Verandah Café this afternoon.

''Nothing, Jonathan,'' I muttered, averting my eyes. ''I didn't sleep well.''

''I expect you to behave today as a woman such as yourself is supposed to, Alison. Your attitude yesterday was rude and disrespectful! I will not be humiliated that way again! Is that understood?'' He narrowed his blue eyes, squeezing my arm tighter and harder.

Whimpering in pain, I shook my head quickly, trying to remove my arm, his touch biting like cold in the winter.

''I didn't hear you,'' he growled.

''Yes...'' I managed to say shakily.

''Good.'' He smirked, releasing my arm and turning around to greet Ruth, Cal, Rose, Thomas Andrews, Maggie Brown, and Bruce Ismay who were joining us at our table.

''She is the largest moving object ever made by the hand of man in all of history.''

Here we go again talking about the Titanic. They always mentioned her every single time we gathered together. I could understand that she was the most beautiful ship ever built, but her owner made her look like she was the only ship out there.

''Oh, please, Mr. Ismay...'' I rolled my eyes exasperatedly. ''The Titanic isn't the only ship out there. She's a real beauty, I'll give you that. We can thank Mr. Andrews for that,'' I added with a smile and a slight bow of the head to Mr. Andrews, her designer, and he returned the gesture. ''There are many beautiful ships out there.''

''Alison!'' Jonathan hissed in my ear. ''What did I say?''

I didn't say anything and held his cold, hard gaze, silently telling him that I had the right to give my opinion whether he liked it or not.

''I may have knocked her together, but the idea was Mr. Ismay's.''

I chuckled softly at Mr. Andrews' modesty about his role in her creation. He did most of the hard work while Mr. Ismay did nothing but have the idea to build her. Although the president of the White Star Line was one of those people I considered pretentious, I had to admit we wouldn't have a beautiful Queen of the Ocean if it wasn't for his idea.

''He envisioned a steamer so grand in scale and so luxurious in its appointments that her supremacy would never be challenged,'' Mr. Andrews continued, pouring passion and pride into his words. I could tell that he loved his creation, and I hoped I hadn't hurt his feelings by stating my opinion. ''And here she is, willed into solid reality,'' he finished, taping the table with his hand for emphasis.

''We'll both have the lamb, rare, with very little mint sauce,'' Cal ordered for both him and Rose. Couldn't the man let his fiancée choose what she wanted to eat? I glared at Cal and shot Rose in front of me a sympathetic look. She smiled faintly at me in response.

''You like lamb, right, sweet pea?'' he asked, turning to look at her, needing confirmation just so he wouldn't be humiliated. She simply gave him a large, fake, sarcastic mouth-closed smile in response.

''I'll have the salmon, not the sausage. Thank you,'' I interjected as Jonathan did the same with me, and he shot me a dirty look. Well, I wasn't going to let him choose what I was going to eat, was I?

''Are you going to cut her meat for her, too, there, Cal?''

Sensing an uncomfortable silence, Maggie decided to change the subject.

''Hey, who thought of the name 'Titanic'? Was it you, Bruce?'' she asked with a smile, glancing between Mr. Andrews and Mr. Ismay.

''Yes, actually,'' the latter replied, too smugly for my taste.

Feeling dizzy, I took some water to try to make this feeling go away. I needed air.

''I wanted to convey sheer size. And size means stability, luxury, and above all, strength.''

''Do you know of Dr. Freud, Mr. Ismay?'' Rose asked, bringing everyone's attention to her. ''His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you.''

Understanding what she meant, Maggie nodded in approval with a smile, Mr. Andrews choked on a grape, and I almost spit out my water at Rose's comment.

''What's gotten into you?'' Ruth hissed through her teeth.

''Excuse me.''

My friend got up from her chair and left the café to go outside. Well done, Rose, well done. I could tell Cal and Mr. Ismay were deeply humiliated by her words, which extracted a small smirk from me.

''I do apologize...''

''May I leave, Mother? I need air.''

''Alison...''

''Please, Mother. I don't feel well.''

She nodded, and I left to join Rose outside on the promenade deck.

''You should have seen Cal's and Mr. Ismay's faces, Rose.'' I chuckled softly as I laid my hands on the large railing in front of us.

She snorted in amusement and stared at the horizon.

From the corner of my eye, I saw someone below on the stern deck staring at us intently. I noticed it was a young blond-haired man in his twenties. His clothes were worn out and dirty, which indicated he wasn't a first class passenger. He wore light brown pants, dark leather boots, and a brown long-sleeved shirt over a white one with beige suspenders. The soft, delicate breeze flew in strands of hair falling on his tanned forehead. I had to admit he was rather handsome.

''Rose, a man is staring at you,'' I whispered, elbowing her to get her attention.

''A third class man, really?'' she whispered, not paying him much attention.

''He is still staring at you,'' I added as he didn't move an inch from where he was sitting beside two other men. She shrugged after shooting him another disinterested glance.

Heavy footsteps hitting the wooden floor were making their way to us, and we looked up to see Cal approaching with a scowl across his face.

''Do you realize that you just humiliated Mr. Ismay and me?'' he growled, grabbing Rose's forearm roughly to get her attention.

''Leave me alone!'' she hissed, yanking her arm away and walking past him.

''She's a grown up lady. You're not her father!''

''If I were you, I wouldn't want Jonathan to know that you spoke to me that way.''

''I'd like to see you try.'' I raised my chin defiantly, which only made him smirk more.

''Leave it, Alison.'' Rose sighed, dragging me with her back inside to go eat lunch, but a solid, warm mass crashed into me and made me jump backward.

''Where do you think you're going?''

Before I could reply, Jonathan's hand collided with my cheek so hard I fell down on the floor. Rose then rushed to help me stand up. Thanking her, I stood on my feet, still stunned by the slap I'd received.

''I'm fine. He just slapped me.'' I assured her as she checked my cheek.

''A big bruise is forming. That is not fine!''

''At least my cheekbone isn't broken.''

''It could be.''

''Rose... I've had worse.''

Like that time he was so angry he pushed me against the wall, and I hit my head on it.

Tears began to fall from the sting on my cheek, and I raised a hand on it to try to hide the reddened mark and forming bruise then turned to Jonathan.

''I only stated my opinion! Tell me, what's so bad about it?''

''Oh, I'll tell you what is bad about it!'' he spat. ''I told you to behave, Alison, but of course you didn't listen to me,'' he hissed, gritting his teeth.

''No one tells me what I should and shouldn't do.''

''Of course not.'' He snorted and raised his hand again.

''Sir, I will ask you to lower your hand and stand back.''

Confused, I looked up to see a face I didn't expect to see this afternoon. Feeling my heart race, my eyes widened as my breath hitched, and my stomach turned as I saw Charles.

''What makes you think I should listen to you? You're nothing but a sailor,'' Jonathan scoffed, rolling his eyes.

''He may be a sailor, but he is a much more honourable man than you will ever be!'' I spat, glaring at him.

Charles' light blue baffled gaze met my green one, and I offered him a gentle smile before turning my attention on Jonathan.

''You—'' he growled, ready to hit me again.

''Sir! I said stand back, or I will fetch the Master at Arms. The rest of the voyage will not be pleasant to you if I do,'' the second officer cut him off in warning, grabbing his hand firmly to stop him from attacking me.

My fiancé slowly stood back, not wanting people to see him with the Master at Arms and thus ruin his reputation. After making sure I was all right a second time, Rose went back inside the ship when she saw that Charles had the situation under control.

''Come, dinner is served.''

''You can go back,'' I said harshly. ''I am not hungry anymore.'' I shook my head, looking down at the wooden floor.

Narrowing his eyes, he didn't say anything and went back inside.

''Are you alright, Alison? Did he hurt you?''

''He... he slapped me. It is nothing I am not used to.'' I snorted bitterly, shaking my head, fighting back tears. ''I have a bruise, but I'll be fine, I promise.''

He shook his head, taking a step towards me and carefully, tentatively taking my hand in his.

''I'm just glad you came before he injured me.''

''Me too.''

I smiled, and he smiled back.

''Care to walk with me?''

''Sure.'' I nodded, taking the arm he was offering me. We walked together on the decks of the Titanic as muffled conversations from passengers and orders from crew members surrounded us.

''Aren't you supposed to be on watch?''

''Well, my shift is finished. I start at 18h this evening.''

''You should get some rest after lunch,'' I said, knowing that the officers, especially the juniors, had little sleep. ''I don't want to keep you from getting some.''

''No, it's nothing, really.'' He shook his head.

''If you say so,'' I muttered.

''You care a lot about others.''

''Only those close to me.''

His lips tugged up softly into a smile, and I returned the gesture. Our eyes locked, and we both averted our gazes, not knowing what to say or do.

''I've been thinking about asking you this question for some time now.''

He cleared his throat nervously, which made me look up at him curiously. My heart beat fast in my chest as I wondered what it was that he wanted to ask me.

''I was wondering if you would like to join me for dinner this evening.''

''Is this an attempt to seduce me, Mr. Lightoller?'' I smirked, arching an eyebrow.

''Perhaps.'' He chuckled softly. ''Anyone would be a fool not to try to seduce a beautiful lady such as yourself.''

I laughed, playfully hitting his arm. ''Are you aware that it's inappropriate?''

''Oh, but I am.'' He nodded softly, sadly. ''What do you say?''

For a short second, I debated with myself if I should accept or not. I was engaged. People would ask questions; Jonathan would certainly give me another beating; and Mother would remind me of my place in the society. It would be nice for a change to spend the night with the officers, away from my people. The idea that he was trying to seduce me was also thrilling.

''I accept.'' I grinned.

''I'll come pick you up at 17h. Is that alright with you?'' he asked as we stopped in front of the 1st class entrance.

''Yes. How should I dress?''

''A casual dress should be fine.''

''Alright. I look forward to seeing you, Charles.'' I smiled, opening the entrance's door.

''And I you,'' he replied, placing a sweet kiss on my cheek before I disappeared into the ship with a pleased smile and a blush on my cheeks.

That evening, I pretended to be sick to meet Charles. The simple thought of disobeying society sent a rush of adrenaline through me. Although I could have declined his offer, the thought of seeing him again thrilled me.

So he thought I was a beautiful woman. A soft smile appeared on my lips as his words echoed in my mind. I wanted to look beautiful for him. Never in my entire life had I wanted to look beautiful for a man.

I asked my maid to fetch me one of my everyday dresses. She asked why I wasn't joining my family, but I didn't reply. She was suspicious, but I was glad she didn't press the matter. Although I knew I could trust her, I didn't want to risk her telling my mother that I was seeing a man.

The first layer of the dress I had chosen to wear was a beige jacket that fell a little below my hips with the front split into two. The lapels of the jacket, the buttons, and the holes for my pockets on each side of the waist as well as the forearm were a pale blue colour. Just above my right breast was a small flower of the same colour. The second layer was a simple blue skirt that fell below my ankles. At my feet were matching small heels. After pulling up my black hair into a tight, elegant chignon, I dismissed my maid, knowing that Charles would come soon. When the clock hit 17h, I heard a knock on the door and went to open it.

''Good evening, Charles.''

His mouth opened, and not a sound left his lips. His blue eyes widened slightly when they landed on me.

''You... you look lovely this evening, Alison,'' he said after a long, uncomfortable silence.

''Thank you.'' I smiled shyly, looking down at my feet to try to hide the blush on my cheeks. ''You're not too bad yourself.''

Smiling, he handed me his arm, and we made our way over to the mess hall, making sure to avoid crew members and passengers. Who knew what would happen if they saw us together. When we entered the mess hall, I had the surprise of seeing Will and two other officers. I averted my gaze, feeling my heart beat fast and a lump form in my throat.

''Lads, do you remember Miss Adams? We had dinner with her family at the Captain's table.''

''Of course I do. I'm Sixth Officer James Moody,'' one of the officers said, taking my hand in his and placing a polite kiss on my knuckles. ''It's a pleasure to finally meet you.''

''Finally?'' I asked incredulously as I took my hand back. Something told me these men knew more about me.

''Yes. Mr. Lightoller and Mr. Murdoch here wouldn't stop speaking about you.'' The other officer chuckled, which earned him a glare from the two highest ranking officers present. ''I'm Fifth Officer Harold Lowe, but you can call me Harry.'' He smiled.

''Oh.'' I bit my lower lip nervously and looked down at my feet in an attempt to avoid Will's and Charles' gazes. If they spoke of me, then it only meant that they had taken a liking to me.

''It's a pleasure to meet you both.''

''Take a seat.''

Charles pulled out a chair from the same long, wooden table where Will and I had exchanged our first kiss. It felt strange to be here in the presence of both men. It was as if I was betraying them by spending the night with Charles. What? I had all the right to spend the night with whomever I wanted. Thanking him silently, I took a seat at the table.

Throughout the night, the officers had made me laugh with their stories and banter. Apparently, all of the officers knew each other from previous services, except Harold.

''I have to tell you what happened to my father's officers!'' I said between laughs as the memories of this little incident came back to me.

As I said those words, all eyes were on me, curious and surprised to know that I understood ships. Well, except Will who knew my father was behind that knowledge.

Swallowing my food, I explained, ''It was a windy day on our way to England from Australia. I was with my father on one of our sailing ships, a three masts one, the Nemesis.''

''I'm sure it was a beautiful ship,'' Charles commented and shoved a fork full of his food into his mouth.

''Sure was.'' I nodded, smiling. ''The hull was a beautiful black and beige colour. A lovely ship. It was one of my favourites.''

''What happened to the men?''

''I'm getting there! Impatient, aren't you, Mr. Moody?''

''Oh hush!'' He chuckled and chewed on his food, listening to my story.

I shook my head, smirking. ''So after one officer tied one of the ropes of a sail, he went to another one.''

Not a sound left their lips as they listened while eating. A small smile spread on my lips at the sight, loving how captivated they looked.

''Suddenly, he heard a flapping noise and turned around to see the sail flying! He went to tie it securely but had trouble with it because of the wind. Men went to help him, and they all ended up holding each other above the sea!''

''In the ocean, that's where they ended up?'' Harold said.

''Obviously.'' Just as I said that, they burst into laughter, and I joined them.

''No one got hurt?'' Will asked, concerned.

''No. Thank god, no.'' I smiled.

''Good.'' He nodded with a small, relieved smile. ''Must have been one funny sight.''

''Oh, yes!''

To be honest, I was glad to be with the officers tonight instead of with my peers. Exchanging with them was pleasant and easy. The food was simple but delicious. Sharing dinner with these men was like meeting old friends again. It was refreshing. I wasn't a first class lady in their eyes. To them, I was just a woman who had agreed to spend the night with them. It looked like they had accepted me into their group.

Sometimes, Charles whispered into my ear and extracted a laugh or a smile from me. Whenever he did that, I saw Will avert his gaze from the corner of my eye. He looked rather pained, but I could not tell exactly what he was feeling or thinking. I felt bad, but I couldn't ignore Charles' pleasant company beside me.

After dinner, we played poker until the men had to attend their duties. The simple thought of having to leave them made me sad. How I wished to spend more time with these lovely lads.

''I guess I'm the winner,'' James said, revealing his cards.

''What makes you think you won?'' Harold questioned, revealing his game as well. He clearly was the winner.

''I always lose at these games. It's not fair,'' James groaned.

''It's not about winning, James. It's all about playing.'' I smiled, patting him on the shoulder, and he smiled back.

''I shall leave you. Duties await me,'' Charles said, standing up from his chair. ''Have a good night.''

''I shall leave you as well,'' I added, reluctantly standing up from my chair. I didn't want to go back yet, but I knew I had to. My family was certainly wondering where I was. ''It's been a pleasure. Have a good night and safe watches.''

Thank you and good nights were thrown our way as Charles handed me his arm, and we made our way to the exit. Feeling eyes on me, I looked over my shoulder to see Will watching me leave. He looked away when he saw that I had caught him, and I looked back in front of me, feeling my heart sink.

''Thank you for inviting me. I had a wonderful time.''

''Thank you for coming.'' He nodded, smiling, and I placed a hand gently on his. A delicious shiver ran down my spine at the contact of his hand.

We fell into a comfortable silence as we walked outside. It was already dark at this hour of the evening. On the horizon was a blue hue just above the ocean. As we looked higher, the sky changed to become black. Many stars were out in the sky. They shone so bright. In cities, there were not so many of them because of factories and cars that belonged to people of high social classes.

''Oh, look, a shooting star!'' I gasped.

''That was a long one.'' Charles chuckled, and I looked up at him to see our faces inches apart. I could just stand on my tiptoes and kiss him. I wanted to know what his lips felt like, but at the same time, I didn't know if he felt the same way. ''Aren't we supposed to wish up on it?''

''I suppose yes. What would you wish for?''

''Something I can't have,'' he whispered and closed the distance between us. I tensed when I felt his lips on mine. They were soft and warm. Will's face appeared before my eyes. Why was I thinking about another man? I should be thinking about the one who was kissing me! Surprised, I pulled my lips away from his, laid my hands on his chest, and pushed him away from me. Did he just kiss me? Did he just reveal that I was his deepest wish?

''Forgive me, Alison. I had no right to do that. I should have asked you...''

''No... No, it's fine.'' I shook my head, fighting back tears. ''I should leave you. You have duties to attend.''

''Have a good night, Alison. Please, allow me to escort you.''

''No... no, Charles. You're already running late.''

''But Jonathan—''

''He's with the other gentlemen in the smoking room. I'll be fine, don't worry,'' I cut him, smiling at him reassuringly then walked past him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

There was this heavy lump in my throat. Tears were starting to form in my eyes. When did he start to feel this way about me? Did Will also feel this way about me? Was it why he couldn't look me in the eye during dinner? I didn't want Charles to see me upset and think he was the cause of this whirlpool of emotions.

Tears blinded me as I walked over to my stateroom. Shaking with sobs and breathing heavily, I fumbled with the doorknob and groaned in frustration. Where was it? My chest hurt. Please, make this burning pain in my chest stop! After moments of fumbling with the doorknob, I opened the door and closed it. Legs shaking, I wobbled and slid down the door, letting tears fall. A short pain shot through me from the impact with the floor, but I ignored it as I cried with my head on my knees.