Thank you to all who read and/or reviewed.

Just a reminder, the letters are Ashley's POV, the diary entries are Spencer's.

How I Spent My Summer

Diary Entry 1

I used to be really good at keeping a diary. I was one of those girls who were religious about writing things down. As soon as anything big or small happened to me I would have to write it down.

There is a box hidden in the very back of my closet full of all the diaries I kept from age 8 until I was fifteen. I stopped writing in my diary after the first time I had sex. I didn't know what to write about it so I just stopped. It wasn't the most wonderful of first time. I guess the less said about my first ever sexual experience the better.

I guess the point I was getting at is that it has been a long time since I felt the need to chronicle my feelings on paper, but this last month or so things have gotten so far out of my control that I have no idea how to cope with them without writing them down.

I think there is power in the written word. By writing down what is swimming in my head I feel like I can think about it more clearly and maybe, just maybe start to make sense of all this. When it's on the page it can't hurt me as much. But then again maybe that is just wishful thinking.

Almost a month ago I experienced the worst night of my young life. In a matter of a few minutes I lost my brother and some one I thought really loved me. It's funny how short a moment has the ability to totally change your life. In less than ten minutes my life was changed forever.

I thought there could be no greater pain than losing a loved one, a brother who was also a friend and close confidant. But I was wrong. The pain from that experience paled in comparison to having to cope with the loss of a loved one and the aftermath and then being abandoned by the person you love more than you though someone your age was capable of loving.

I have been grieving my brother alone. My family are so consumed with their own grief, I know we all want to support each other, but right now it's too much. Being around their grief just makes it harder to cope with mine. The only person I wanted to help me through this is too caught up in her own shit to be there for me. The first sign of trouble, the first instance where I might need her rather than her needing me and she bolts. I mean literally bolts, as in to the other side of the globe bolts.

Ashley, my first girlfriend, the first girl I kissed, the first girl I had sex with, caught the first flight out of LAX this morning headed for Heathrow. She once told me that she fantasised about getting on the first plane out of LAX going anywhere, I never really expected her to actually do it. Although I suppose her dream flight probably didn't include her bitch mother being there.

Yeah my girlfriend decides to stop being a girlfriend and then her neglectful, absentee mother actually decides to be a real mother and spend time with her daughter. The world can be a confusing, ironic bitch sometimes.

I can vividly remember the moment she told me she was leaving, she left it until the very last moment too, she only told me last night. She looked so guilty, and I just felt so abandoned. It was like not only kicking some one when they're down, but dousing them in gasoline and then setting them on fire while they're down.

I am angry, hurt, betrayed, lost, sad and a million other emotions that all add up to me feeling like total shit.

I wish Clay was here. He would have gone out to the garden and picked me a daisy to cheer me up. He would probably bring it up to me, hiding it behind his back and then asking me to pick a hand with a big goofy smile on his face. God I miss him so much!

I just miss him so much.