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Thank you to all those who have commented on this story. I really hope you enjoy this update….

Meredith's Point of View

I need to forget. I need to forget everything and everyone. I tell myself this every morning but it never works because my mind makes a very bad habit of wandering away, into the past, where I don't want to be. All the sadness breaks me. However, it's the happy memories with everyone that break me even more. As for the guilt, well, it's the guilt that is destroying me.

I remember certain cases at Seattle Grace where I would hear stories about my patients and my first thought would be 'how could they live with themselves?' I never make the mistake of thinking that after what happened… because I finally understand. I actually get it. Most days, the guilt alone is enough to make anyone feel like they are being tortured but when the memories, both good and bad hit then there is no word to explain the ache, the emptiness that you feel in your heart.

However, days like today are the worst when I'm on my own and end up thinking about what Carolyn is doing right now. Is Cristina thriving as a Seattle Grace attending? Who am I kidding? I already know the answer to that one. Did she marry Owen? How are the Shepherd sisters? Do they all still hate me? How much does Carolyn hate me? My mind wanders and I think about everyone I left behind.

How is my mom?

Wait.

Is my…no, I can't think like that. But I can't help it. I ask myself this question every day. Why should today be any different?

Is my mom still alive?

Wince.

I can feel the tears coming again. It was ridiculous of me to think that I was all cried out for today. I often wonder what Derek would think of me if he were here to see me now. What would he think of me? Would he hate me? Even thinking his name causes me to tear up inside.

Dr Derek Christopher Shepherd.

Derek Christopher Shepherd.

Derek Shepherd.

Derek.

The Love of My Life.

Killed by Dr Meredith Grey.

Killed by his best friend.

Killed by the very woman who was in love with him.

I can feel the vomit rise in my throat for the second time today. I make a dash to the bathroom before Michael gets back from the kitchen and realises that something is wrong.

How could I have been so stupid?

"You need to get out of this house," My best friend says to me as if he is prescribing medication to one of his patients.

Lying under the covers of my bed, I feel safe and secure. Out in the big bad world, I can't be protected and more importantly, people can't be protected from me. Who would want to be around the woman who promised a mother she could save her son and then ends up killing him?

"Meredith," Derek insists, pulling my duvet off of me to reveal me in my 'Winnie the Pooh' Pyjama's.

"Derek!" I scream at him, standing at the end of my bed.

"Are those…" he starts with a knowing smile. He looks as if he's about to burst out laughing but thankfully he thinks better of it.

"They're the only clean ones I have left. I haven't done any laundry!" I defend outraged. "Now give me back my duvet," I mutter vehemently.

"Meredith," he sighs. "This isn't healthy. You need…"

"I need for you to give me my duvet back," I retort. "Now Derek!"

"No," he retaliates calmly, standing at the end of my bed with his arms crossed.

"Seriously?" I ask in shock. Why does he have to be so stubborn? Why does he choose to be frustrating now of all times?

"I'm not letting you hide anymore Meredith," he explains, managing to remain calm. "And I am definitely not letting you push me away anymore."

As he says that, I can see something in his eyes that tells me not to argue. He actually looks like he might cry. Why?

"But…"

"No buts," he pushes. "Get up. Get dressed. And be down stairs in twenty minutes."

I watch as Derek makes his way towards my bedroom door to leave and I suddenly feel the fear kick in again.

"Derek, I really don't want to go out," I continue to insist.

"Don't worry," he says to me as he turns back to face me with a McDreamy smile plastered across his face. How can I say no to that face? "We're just going to the grocery store to pick up some food for your cupboards and then we'll come back, have something to eat and then tidy this place up Mer."

He can obviously see the fear in my eyes and is quick to reassure me.

"I could go the store myself but I really think it would be best that we go together, get you out for a while," he murmurs.

"Derek, you can't…I…uh…"

"I won't leave your side," he smiles assuringly at me. How does he do that? How does he always know what I'm thinking or what I am about to ask?

"Because I'm your best friend," he replies to my thoughts. I look at him to see a cheeky, mischievous smile.

"Get out of my head," I retort with a small smile.

"I really wish I was there Mer because then I'd be able to tell you that this wasn't your fault and maybe then you would believe me," he whispers sadly.

I look down at my mattress, feeling the shame cover my body. The shame that I cannot escape no matter how hard I try.

"Come on Mer," he urges. "Get dressed."

"Okay," I mumble, walking into my en-suite and avoiding the man who was watching me leave.

Ten minutes later and I feel as if my entire body has just run a marathon. Hibernating for a month doesn't help your energy levels. I feel as if I need some strong coffee with a side of an energy drink to even wake me up.

"Meredith!" Derek calls up the stairs.

"Coming!" I shout down to him.

It had taken me longer than expected to get showered and ready considering I have no energy as well as the small fact I don't want to go out.

"Are you okay?" he asks me as I appear at the top of stairs. I look down at him and take in his appearance. He looks like I feel. He hasn't shaved. He's lost weight and he looks like he hasn't slept.

"What happened to you?" I blurt out, unable to stop myself.

"How do you mean?" he asks me, looking confused.

"You look like shit," I state bluntly.

"Charming," he scoffs, before I see a glimpse of a smile.

"Derek…"

"And it's a little ironic coming out of your mouth," he retorts. "Did you look at yourself in the mirror when you got dressed?"

"Derek, I just mean that I look like shit because I can't get over what happened but I don't understand why you look…" I trail off unsure of how to put it. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.

"Like shit," he finishes for me. "Maybe it's because I've been so worried about my best friend because she's depriving me of the one thing a best friend is supposed to do."

"What do you mean?" I ask as I slowly make my way down the stairs.

"Being there Meredith," he responds gently. I know he doesn't say it to hurt me but it hurts like hell. "I even got mom and Kathleen to fly over here to help you when I felt I was failing and because of that you send them away and shut me out."

"I don't want pity Derek," I start to cry.

Damn it!

"Love isn't pity Meredith," he reasons. "If you had your eyes open then you would have seen that not one of us was pitying you."

Please stop. Please stop.

Once the first tear falls, that's me. The damn is broken and I can't stop myself from crying and shaking.

Derek pulls me into his arms and for the first time in a month, instead of pushing him away, I succumb to his comfort and hold on for dear life.

I should be content and happy that he wants me as a best friend. I could live with wanting more and never getting it as long as he remained in my life.

"It's not your fault Meredith," Derek whispered. "Everything is going to be okay. I promise."

"You don't know that," I sob into his shirt.

"I do Meredith," he assures me, running his hands through my hair. He always knows how to calm me down.

"No, you don't," I argue back.

"I do," he pushes. The last thing I wanted to do was argue but he keeps pushing it.

"You don't Derek," I cry.

"Actually Meredith, I do," He states firmly. "And do you want to know why?"

I nod my head against his chest, before he pulls my head away from him gently so I can look up into his deep blue eyes.

"Because I am your best friend and I love you. I am going to make sure everything is okay. I'm not going to allow you to slip away like you have been doing," he whispers and I can feel myself begin to smile through my tears.

"I'm afraid you are stuck with me Meredith Grey," he smiles at me.

"Aw crap!" I smile jokingly.

"Hey!" he mocks, feigning shock. "Wait a second. Did my ears deceive me or did you just crack a joke?" he asks me, looking as if he was proud, causing me to instantly smile back.

"You won't leave my side at the grocery store?" I ask him hesitantly.

Derek's smile quickly fades to worry but he wipes the look from his eyes away knowing it will scare me. Unfortunately, he didn't wipe the look away fast enough.

"I'll be by your side every step of the way," He says, giving me a knowing look and in that moment I knew he meant more than just the grocery store.

I simply nod unable to find the words to say thank you.

"Will you do me one favour when we get back here?" he asks slightly hesitantly.

"If I can," I whisper, suddenly feeling incredibly nervous as we make our way out the front door.

"Call mom and let her know that you're okay," he suggests lightly but I can tell there is a lot of hope pinning on me saying yes.

"Okay," I answer, wondering if he senses my uncertainty.

"Here you go," he smiles, handing me the keys to his car.

"No," I assert, handing them back to him but he just pushes them back into my hands.

"You love to drive Meredith," my best friend states calmly. "You always told me that you loved the freedom that driving offers you. Especially when you've had a hard day so you are driving us to the grocery store."

"But…"

"No buts Meredith," he pushes. "You need to do this and I'll be right here."

"Why?" I persist. "Why do I have to?"

"You've been lying in your bed for over a month now Meredith, hiding away from everyone. This is about doing normal things and trying to get back to a little normality," he explains.

Derek's looking at me as if I shouldn't argue with him but I would if I had the slightest bit of energy.

"Fine," I sigh, walking into my driveway.

Oh my god!

"What the hell is that?" I ask in shock. There is a god damn Porsche parked in my driveway. A very unDereky car.

"My new car," he sighs, not sounding the least bit enthusiastic.

"Rachel?" I ask knowingly.

"Rachel," he confirms with a small nod, turning to smile at me.

Oh dear.

We get into the car and I sit staring at the steering wheel trying to control my breathing before I start the car.

Derek doesn't say anything and that is why I love him. He knows me well enough to know that I will do this when I am ready. He knows when to push and he knows when to wait and that is the very reason I fell in love with him all those years ago.

"Ready," I finally nod.

"Ready," he smiles at me.

I start the car and we slowly make our way to the grocery store but as we go along the roads we know so well, it is not me who appears hesitant. It's Derek. For the life of me I cannot figure out why. We finally pull up to a red light and I am able to turn and ask him what's bugging him.

"What the hell is wrong?" I ask, sounding slightly exasperated but I don't mean to.

"I'm leaving Rachel," he blurts out in a mumble.

"What?" I ask in shock, thinking I've misheard him.

"I'm leaving her," he repeats calmly, as if he's just told me what he wants for dinner.

"Why?" I ask gently.

I already know the answer…well, I think I do… but I think it's important for him to talk about it.

"Because I'm in love with someone else," he murmurs with a soft smile.

Wince!

Okay, maybe I didn't know the answer. It certainly wasn't what I expected him to say. He's in love with someone else?

Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!

"Meredith," he whispers, urging me to look at him instead of straight ahead.

"Who?" I ask in a whisper as the light turns green and I move the car.

"Meredith, I'm in love with..."

But before I can hear Derek's answer, everything goes black.

I've finally stopped throwing up but I just need my mind to stop working. I need the memories to stop coming at me at full speed.

"Meredith!" Michael calls. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," I sigh.

"You're coffee's out!" he shouts through the door.

"Thank you," I murmur. "I'll be out in a second," I assure him.

Michael's a good man but I don't share anything with him in the way he shares with me. He tells me everything and I tell him nothing. Truth be told, that is exactly the way I like it.

Carolyn's Point of View

Why does Meredith think Derek is dead?

Who could have told Meredith that Derek is dead?

Who?

Walking out of the home, I can feel my hands begin to shake at all the possibilities running around in my mind. I keep asking myself the same question over and over again. Ironically though, it is the same name that keeps coming back to me.

Rachel.

Ellis was definitely lucid when I spoke to her. She trailed off in thought at times but she was definitely lucid. There is no way she could have just imagined that. How else could she have known about the car crash? Although when I asked her about the drunk driver that ran a red light and hit them, she said no, that didn't happen because it was Meredith who killed Derek, not a drunk driver.

The fact that Ellis was so clear shows she must have been lucid when I spoke to her. She wouldn't have known a drunk driver was the cause of the accident if she was told Meredith had killed Derek in that accident. Would she? No! She was sure which makes me sure, not only that she was telling the truth, but that Rachel is involved in this.

What the hell did she think she was doing? How did she think she would get away with it? How has she gotten away with this for so long? How could I have not seen this coming? What kind of person could do this? How could she do this to Meredith? How did she convince Meredith?

Oh no…Meredith.

She thinks…she thinks that she killed her best friend. She thinks that she killed the love of her life. Oh my poor, sweet girl. How could she have left without talking to me about it? What the hell did Rachel tell her?

Okay, I really need to take a deep breath and calm down. I need to find out how the hell she did this. I need to find the evidence that proves she did it before I can say anything to anyone else, especially Derek. He would never believe it unless I had the evidence.

How can I tell him this? This will break his heart.

I need to clear my head and talk about this with someone but that someone cannot be family. I know exactly who to talk to but I'll need to call the girls and cancel which I know will not go down well.

Oh, Meredith, where the hell are you?

I feel such relief when I pull into the street that has become home to me over the past year. I can't explain the comfort I've had in having Derek close as well as Jack from next door. The thought of Jack brings a small smile to my face, normally. However, tonight it doesn't because I am more shaken up than ever. He is the one person I can turn to in this crisis because not only can I trust him with the information, I can also trust that he will believe me.

Jack has been such a kind, patient man – especially with me. Him and I have been friends since Derek moved to Seattle five years ago. We spoke when I was in town and we would often email each other but for the past year, Jack has become much more than a friend, he has become my rock. We've been seeing each other in secret for the past nine months because truth be told, I know exactly how my children will take it- not very well! If Meredith were here, I would be able to rely on her to be on my side, to help fight my corner and understand where I am coming from and what I now need in life. I lost my husband over twenty years ago and never in that time did I think I would move on until five years ago. However, when the thought entered my mind, I laughed it off because his life is here with his children and mine is, or was, in New York. But then that all changed a year ago.

I really need to talk to Jack because not only is he a good listener, a good friend and a good partner, but he is also a retired detective. I need his advice, his expertise. I need him to listen. But most importantly I just need him.

I look into Derek's home and the lights are all off which means no one is home – thankfully. I breathe a sigh of relief as I walk up next door's driveway when Jack opens his front door with a huge smile on his face but his smile turns to a look of concern when he sees my quivering body.

"Carolyn," he murmurs softly, ushering me into his warm, welcoming house. I would never admit it to anyone but I feel more at home here than I do next door.

"What on earth is the matter?" he asks me gently as he puts his arms around me. The moment he offers me this comfort though, I sink into his arms open arms, sobbing into his shoulder. "Oh Carolyn, I can guess who this is about."

I have had such a long day and to get to this point, being in his arms, I finally feel safe. I can feel Jack holding me tighter to him as he guides me back into the living room and onto the couch. Jack allowed me to sit there crying. He didn't push me to talk. He just held me and allowed me to take the time I needed to get ready to tell him what was wrong.

"I found out something today," I confess, finally feeling as if I am all cried out for the night. I look at Jack and he just nods at me in encouragement.

"You're going to think I'm crazy," I laugh out of nervousness.

"Oh, I highly doubt that," he chuckled. "I already know you're crazy."

I laugh with him and it makes me feel so good…so free.

"What did you find out?" he asks me softly, pulling me close to him so I have the comfort of his arms around me as I tell him.

"Well…I…uh…"

"You can tell me," he whispers in my ear.

"I think Rachel told Meredith that Derek is dead," I blurt out, wincing as I finally say it out loud.

"What?" he asks me in shock. I pull away from him to see the shock written all over his face.

"I told you it would sound crazy," I admit sheepishly.

"It's n…Okay, maybe it does. Just go back to the beginning and tell me how you came to that conclusion," he instructs me.

"Oh Jack," I cry out. "I have had such a day."

"What happened?" He asks, rubbing my back.

"Well, first off, I had the daughter in law from hell tell me that she and Derek would have me admitted to the nuthouse if I didn't accept Meredith was gone," I started to explain.

"They would what?" he asks, raising his voice.

"Oh, it's ok Jack," I assure him. I've never seen him look angry. It's quite strange but oddly nice to see him protective. "She was lying and Derek says he will deal with her when he gets home tonight. Derek never said that so I have to believe she said it out of anger."

"Were the girls there at the time?" Jack asks me, clearly trying to keep his anger towards Rachel hidden but I can see he is pissed off.

"Yes," I nod solemnly, choking back the lump in my throat. "They were all outraged."

"What were you all talking about before Rachel said that?" He asks curiously. I can see he is fighting Detective mode.

"Uh…babies," I murmur.

"Babies?" he asks, sounding surprised.

"It's a long story," I tell him because I need to get onto the topic of Ellis. "Anyway, after what happened at the house, I phoned Derek in a state…"

"Understandably," he assures me which makes me love him even more.

"Derek was outraged and he told me he would handle it later. He was on his way to see Ellis but I told him to go out with Mark and Owen for drinks and I would go see Ellis," I explain. "Ellis was lucid, Jack," I murmur softly, as he gives me a look, that I can't quite work out what he is thinking.

"Okay," he nods, urging me to continue.

"She asked who I was and I told her that I was Carolyn, Derek's mom and then she kept repeating Derek's name as if she was trying to place him in her memory," I explain.

"She has Alzheimer's Carolyn," he states as if I don't already know that.

"I know that!" I snap. "But people with Alzheimer's don't make stuff up, do they?" I ask quietly.

"No, they don't," he shakes his head, suddenly looking as if he's guessing what I am about to say.

"She then told me that Derek was in a car crash," I state.

"How could she have known that?" Jack asks, looking bewildered.

"She couldn't have unless someone told her," I explain.

"The detective found that Meredith went to visit her mother the day after the accident; only hours after she discharged herself against medical advice," Jack states, clearly trying to sort out the thoughts in his head. "So maybe Meredith told her?" he asks hesitantly.

"Of course she did," I exclaim. "Derek and I don't mention anything about last year to her and anytime she asks about Meredith, we tell her she's at work. But when she asked me that today, and I told her the usual answer, she said I was lying."

"What else did she say?" Jack asks, desperate for more clues. He is so predictable and that puts me at ease.

"She said that Meredith was in love with him and Meredith felt incredibly guilty," I continue. "She then said that Derek died in that accident and then I said that he didn't and if she remembered that it was the drunk driver who caused the accident. She said no because Derek died in that car accident and it was Meredith that killed him. After I had calmed myself from hearing that, I asked her who told her that and she said that Meredith had come to see her in a state, told her what had happened and that she was very sorry…very…so…"

"Carolyn?" Jack questions me, concerned as I try and fight back tears.

"Meredith told her she was very sorry to be leaving her behind! Oh god Jack! Where the hell is she?" I cry as he pulls me into his arms and holds me tight.

He whispers how it will all be okay in my ear but I am really not so sure anymore.

Finally, I pull away from him and as much as I want to stay in his arms all night, I can't because I need to get on with this.

"You have to believe me Jack," I plead. "Rachel is behind this."

"I know," he nods. "But you can't…"

"But I can't tell my family, especially Derek! Not until I find the evidence to prove she did it," I nod.

"You could look at the CCTV footage for that day at the hospital once Meredith had woken up," he suggests.

"But the detectives already looked at them," I whisper, unsure how CCTV could help.

"Only the one at the main entrance showing Meredith leaving the hospital in a distressed state," he explains. "If we can find the one that shows Meredith and Rachel in an argument alone…well, it would be a start."

"We?" I question, smiling softly.

"There is no way in hell I'm letting you do this alone," he says, slightly sternly showing me there is no room for argument.

Normally, I would argue and say that I could do it but that would be a lie in this instance.

"Thank you," I smile, grateful, to now that he is here for me.

"No problem," he smiles back.

"Are you sure of this Carolyn?" He asks me and I can tell that it's not so much he doubts me but rather he just wants to be sure that I am sure.

"I'm sure," I nod, knowing in my heart that I am right about this.

"Then we will fight like hell to prove it and then find Meredith," he asserts firmly. "And we will find her Carolyn."

"Good, because the moment she's back…"

"We can finally tell everyone about us," he smiles.

"She'll be okay, won't she?" I ask hesitantly. I hate the idea of Meredith going through this.

"It would explain why she left so abruptly," he tells me. "She was grieving but I am sure Meredith will be more than okay. She's one tough cookie."

"I know," I smile. She really is a tough cookie and one way or another she will be home soon.

Meredith will be coming home soon.