Derek runs his hand through his hair for the hundredth time that day. He is sitting behind his desk at New York General Hospital. He doesn't feel whole. He doesn't feel complete. He doesn't feel happy. He feels empty. He feels empty and alone. But the pain he is feeling is better than causing her anymore pain. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, he loves her too much. Today it is five months. Five months since he left her a note in her locker telling her he was walking away. Five months since he left her. Five months since he had left his home, his land, his love, his life. His love was his life. He knows now that he always loved her. He didn't always realize it, but he always loved her.

He leans back in his chair and runs his hand over his tired face. Since he had left Seattle, he had devoted himself completely to his work. He saw his family once a week for dinner, but only to maintain some sort of humanity. They all saw his complete devastation, but no one knew what is was from or how to fix. No one but the youngest of his sisters. He had kept in contact with her more than anyone else once he had moved to Seattle. She knew all about Meredith.

God, he misses her. He misses her infectious giggle. It is a rare occurrence, but it sounds like music to the ears. Leaning back in his chair he can almost hear it now. A slight smile curls the ends of his mouth. The only times he ever smiles are when he thinks of her. Some moment they shared in the hall or the OR. The way her small hands felt when they ran over his body, exploring and feeling every muscle underneath their soft skin. He misses her touch. His body shivers slightly at just the thought of it. Just the memory. He misses running his fingers through her long, soft tendrils. The way those silky waves felt spread across his body as her head lay on his chest after making love, or the way they tickled his chest as she rode him. The scent of her hair. The scent of her hair seemed to enter into his bloodstream and infect his entire being every time he was near her, or even after he entered a room just after she had left. God, she smelled amazing. He misses waking up with his face buried in her hair. He misses breathing her in. He could be having a horrible day or be completely stressed and breathing her in, breathing her in seemed to relax every muscle in his body. She is like a drug like that for him. She has so much power over him. She is his goddess, was his goddess.

He sighs and leans forward, placing his head in his hands. He misses her. He misses her so damn much. He misses the way she would run her fingernails up his mind while they were having sex, sending chills down his spine. He misses the way she would trail kisses along his jawline and chin in the morning to wake him up. He misses the way that she would caress his abdomen and run her finger under the waistband of his boxers in the middle of the night if she was trying to wake him up for sex. He misses her tiny ineffectual fists and her habit of rambling and fidgeting with her watch when she is nervous. He misses the way she bites on her bottom lip if she is trying to resist temptation, usually sexual temptation. He misses getting lost in the green seas of her eyes and the silent conversations they had just with their eyes.

Suddenly, he can't take it anymore and his emotions overwhelm him. His shoulders begin shaking as sobs overtake him. He feels like shit. He feels alone. He feels cold. He feels incomplete. He doesn't want a future without her. He wants her to be her husband, the father of her children, the love of her life. He just can't hurt her anymore. He has already hurt her enough. Enough is enough. Tears are still falling from his eyes when his thoughts are interrupted by his cellphone. He looks at the screen: MARK. Why the hell is Mark calling him again? Didn't he get the point when he didn't answer or return any of his calls over the past four months? Derek's grief and pain turns to anger as he answers the phone.

Derek (in a harsh tone): What?

Mark: Is that the way you always answer the phone?

Derek: Did you call just to critique my phone etiquette?

Mark: No. I need to talk to you.

Derek: Well, I have nothing to say to you.

Mark: Just hear me out, man.

Derek: I don't think so. Stop calling me. I would hate to have to change my number.

Mark: Fine. But at least I can say I tried.

Derek: I see. Motivated by purely selfish reasons. Nice to know the egotistical Mark hasn't changed a bit.

Mark: Whatever, man. I was trying to do both you and Meredith a favor. Your choice.

Derek's body tenses at hearing her name. He hasn't heard her name in five months. The pain is too much. He hangs up the phone and begins sobbing again. It's better this way. She is better off without him. His marriage with Addison failed miserably, and he couldn't let that happen again. He loved Meredith in a way he never knew possible and for that reason he walked away. He walked away because he was so scared of hurting her. He didn't tell her this. He told her he was offered a job that he couldn't refuse. He thought it would be too cruel to confess his undying love to her before moving across the country. He did say he loved her in the letter. He didn't tell her where the job was. He was just doing the best thing, saving her from any future pain that he might have caused.

Why the hell was Mark calling him? He mentioned Meredith, but Derek really wasn't paying attention. Whatever. He can't go back. Not now. If he goes back now she will only be hurt again. God, he misses her. The pain never stops. It just becomes bearable. Bearable enough to make it through the day. Surgeries help him as well. Saving lives help, if only he could save his own.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

His pager interrupts his thoughts and he stands up to go answer it. Another day at New York General, another day pretending to be okay when in reality, he was dying just a little more every day.

This is short...I know...but it is just to show a snapshot of Derek and the pain that he is going through being apart from Meredith...

-marci