Chapter 5

Sighing, Pat let Steph go and turned away. Confused, Steph stared at his back before she slowly leaned forward and laid a hand on his arm. "Pat?"

She could feel the tension radiating from him and he sure took his time to answer. Finally, he faced her again with determined eyes. "I won't lie, Nisha. I want you back."

Totally caught by surprise, Steph gaped at him. Ok, perhaps it wasn't so unexpected, but still – to hear it in such clarity with such vehemence… It was a shock.

Pat sensed that and he took her hands into his again. "I mean it. I don't care what happened, I don't care what we both lost and had to go through. You're my wife, Nisha, and I love you. I need you. I want my life back and that life's center is you. You alone, mo ghràdhaich."

"You think it's that easy?" Steph asked, incredulous. After everything that had happened, how could he believe it would just be as simple as that for Heaven's sake?

Pat shrugged. "No. No, probably not. It will take time, I know. I won't pressure you. But I want an open book here, Nisha. And I want to show you how much exactly I love you and want you back. I plan to woe you off your feet, Nisha, just so you've been warned." A very male grin lifted the corner of his mouth. "I figure I managed it once, I will win you again."

"Just like that?" Steph asked, trying to rein in her temper.

Her husband just nodded.

Steph frowned. "Despite the fact that I believed you dead? That I moved on, even married another man? May now even be in another relationship?"

Pat's eyes darkened and he scowled. "Are you?" he asked, dangerously low.

The image of Ranger conjured up and Steph hesitated with her answer – whatever it would have been. There was a bond between her and her mentor and friend. But Ranger didn't do relationships. Well, at least Joe was safely out of the picture now. So finally she just shook her head. "No."

"Good. And as for the marriage…" Pat stopped, biting his lip and the scowl on his face deepened. "First: No. It doesn't matter. It's in the past and you were divorced within a year from him, right?"

Steph nodded. The ink on their marriage certificate wasn't even dry when she had caught the sleazy bastard fucking the lights out of her arch enemy Joyce Barnhart. On their dining room table. God, even thinking about it made her all angry again. At Dickie, at Joyce, but mostly at herself, for having been so stupid to ever agree to Dickie's proposal in the first place. Of all the mistakes she had made in her life, that one was for sure the unquestioned king of the list.

"But…" Pat continued and searched her eyes. "I have to admit that I would like to hear how it comes that you married the dick so shortly after my supposed death. It had only been two months!" he said, not quite accusing her yet but she could clearly see his Irish temper coming through.

Often a thing that turned her on, especially if it wasn't directed against her, she had to admit that. There just was something with attractive men, an Irish accent and storm brewing in their eyes that spoke to a very feral side of her that somehow was wired directly with her libido. But this time… she sighed. She couldn't blame Pat. In his place she would probably want an explanation for such a thing herself as well. And ever since she had grasped the reality of him being back she had feared it would come to this conversation and had tried to think about how to explain it to her husband. Well, she guessed she just had to jump into it head first.

"You need to understand something here, Pat," she began, biting her lip. "After your - death… Well, I've been – devastated." She stopped, searching for words to explain the lifeless person she had become back then. "I was a shell. Nothing fazed me anymore and I didn't care for anything but my memories of you and our life – and how I could ever live without you." Her voice trailed off and she gulped. "Sometimes I even thought about how I could join you in the fastest way," she confessed in a whisper. She hadn't been really suicidal but none the less, the thought had occurred to her in those dark times.

Pat's hold on her hands tightened, his face stricken. "Nisha, you don't have to…"

"No," she interrupted his protest though. "No, Pat, we have to go through this sometime anyway and I want it to be over with." Again she tried to find the words to continue. "They talked to me or asked me things and I would nod, occasionally perhaps shake my head, but in reality I didn't register one word they said. I don't know until today how I managed to grasp what Felton said to me about what I had to do. I barely ate and I couldn't sleep anymore. Oh, at first I would always dream about you, and it was wonderful, but then something would happen and I lost you even there in my dreams again and again. So to say I was a mess would be a pretty big understatement."

"I'm sorry, Nisha. Perhaps you really should rest it now. I don't need to hear the rest, really, Nisha," Pat said, concerned.

But Steph was determined now. She just wanted to have it behind her. "No, you need to hear it. Well, Dickie was there in that time, you know? He was the only one actually. And he had been a hel,p Pat. He may be a bastard, but he really was a help then. I couldn't talk to my family or Mary Lou. They didn't know about you and Mary Lou was just back from her honeymoons and already pregnant. I just… they couldn't understand, you know?"sShe asked quietly. "Couldn't understand how… dead I was. So Dickie was there. He looked after all the things that had to be done, he forced me to eat and he slipped me sleeping pills so I would fall into a dreamless sleep." She sighed and shook her head. "Not that I would have fought him. There was no fight left in me, no spire, no fire. A part of me was just thankful that he was there and taking care of everything."

She stopped, looking away into the distance. "Today I know that this was probably the biggest mistake. I should have taken care of myself and what ever I had to do after your death and perhaps it would have helped me to find back to myself. And I know now also that this had only been a way for Dickie to control me, something he always had wanted. But…" She looked back at Pat. "I know I repeat myself, but a big part of me truly had died on the day Felton and Kev brought me the news."

"No need to apologize, mo gradhàich." Pat consoled her, his thumbs making circles on the back of her hand again. "So if I understand correctly Orr just misused the situation and convinced you to marry him? That's low, really low, even for him."

Yeah, Pat never had liked Dickie and even less the way Dickie had chased after her and had flirted with her. Not that Pat would ever have been feeling intimidated by Dickie. He just couldn't stand him and disliked him the more Dickie tried to make contact with Steph. So his anger wasn't surprising for Steph now. But still, even how much she despised her ex now, she needed to give him some slack.

"It hadn't been quite that easy. First, Felton told me that to my protection I should go into that witness protection program you have, but I didn't want that. I wanted home, far far away from the place we two had shared a life in. And I wanted to be with my friends and family. So I refused. It was then that Dickie made the first proposal, claiming that if I married him no one should find out about us. Still I refused. It just felt too much like betrayal to you."

When Steph fell silent for quite some time Pat frowned. "So what happened then to convince you to accept the proposal?"

Now came the hard part. "It hadn't been easy you know. But when I found out about the baby…"

Pat jerked up and stared at her with wide eyes. "What?! What baby?"

Pain appeared on Steph's face and she stared at him, all color leaving her. "You… you don't know? Felton and Kev didn't tell you?"

When Pat continued to stare shocked at her she griped his hands for a turn. "Oh, Pat, I'm so sorry. I thought you knew."

He shook his head slowly, never leaving her out of his dazed eyes. "So you… we… a baby?" he asked, perplexed and still pretty shocked.

God, this was hard! She really had thought he had known about the baby. So she nodded. "Yeah… I found out I was pregnant." A sad smile appeared. "Must have been that incredible night at the waterfalls just before you had to leave. Remember?"

Still deeply disturbed by the news, Pat nodded. "Of course. How could I have forgotten about that. Sometimes that night was the only thing that kept me alive."

Steph knew him well enough to hear just how bad that time after his death must have been in his words and the shaded eyes and part of her wanted him to tell her about it, so she could try to - make it better. But now was hardly the time for that and telling him about their baby would be hard enough without having to deal with the horrors of his memories on top of that. So she ignored the impulse and settled for just telling him about their child. "Well yeah. You said back then it had been magic. It really had been. And we made a baby, Pat." She gulped. "Oh, the first signs started just before I got the news. Then I got them and I forgot all about it. Or rather I probably just didn't want to acknowledge the symptoms. No one suspected something you know? Everyone believed that I just had a nightmare again when I was sick or still having a hard time dealing with your death – if they caught me throwing up, that is. But then I collapsed out of exhaustion and they brought me to the hospital. There it came out quickly of course."

Pat was silent, and she was sure he had a ton of question but he held them back and waited for her to continue.

"In the hospital I first was completely helpless. I didn't know what to do. There was this baby and I hated it because it was a constant reminder of your death and how you'd never be able to see it being born and grow up – and on the other hand I loved it because it was a part of us both and the last thing I had of you. Then one night a nurse talked to me. She said she heard about my husband and that she was sorry, but I had a life to be responsible for now and I had to pull myself together, if not for me, then for our baby." She stopped once again, smiling sadly at the memory. "And you know, after I thought a bit about it I had to agree. But there were two problems: I hardly had any money, no job or degree to get a job… and honestly I wasn't up yet to stand on my feet again. Plus the threat coming my way, at least according to Felton. I didn't care much about me, but I couldn't put our baby into such a danger."

Pat shook his head. "I wish…" But his voice trailed off and he wasn't able to continue.

Steph squeezed his hands reassuringly. "I know, Pat, I know." After a moment she picked up her story. "Right in that time Dickie came again to propose to me. He said he'd take care of me and the baby and love it as if it was his own. That he loved me and that he understood I wasn't ready for another marriage yet. But there was the baby now and that to marry him would be the best solution. That he'd wait for my heart to be ready to love someone else again."

Pat jumped up and started to pace angrily. "That bastard!" he hissed.

"Pat…" Steph tried to make him understand but Pat shook his head and stopped before her, still seething though. "No, Nisha! An opportunistic little bastard, that's what he is. To take advantage of a woman in your position…"

"Dickie just tried to help, Pat." Steph got up and moved to stand directly before a very furious Pat. "I acknowledge that in hindsight it wasn't the best thing to do, but he really tried to help. In the only way he knew."

He snorted. enraged. "Please, Nisha! There would have been tons of other ways! He just wanted you! He always did! And nothing stopped him anymore as soon as I was out of the picture," Pat snapped.

"Look, you said it was the past, ok? I did make mistakes too back then, you know? But he offered me an easy way out and after a while it seemed a pretty logic thing to do. I was able to go home to my family and friends, give our child a family and home and all that without having to explain how I come to be pregnant and, in the eyes of my mother, committing the sin to be unmarried. I didn't have to run for the rest of my life and live in fear, someone would provide all the money the child would need while I'd have the time to give our baby all my attention," Steph reasoned, trying to calm down Pat and make her point.

He sighed and looked at her. She could see how he wanted to say more, but bate it all back. Tense, he led her back to the bench and motioned her to sit down. "Ok Nisha. What then? What happened with the baby?"

Sharp pain hit her chest, but Steph took a deep breath and met Pat's eyes. "We got married, but had to stay for two more months in Princeton to finish our courses. Or rather for Dickie to finish his studies as I stopped going to my classes after your death. We went home to get married, but I didn't want to tell them about the baby yet. Wanted to buy some time you know?"

Pat nodded. He always had been amused by her horror from her mother's reaction and often had teased her about it and the memory of those times made Steph smile.

But her smile died when she thought back to that time. "A few days before we were moving back though I suddenly got cramps. At first they weren't so bad, but after a few moments they got really heavy. I called Dickie and he brought me back to the hospital. But it was already too late by then." Her voice failed and she looked down. It had been a long time since she had last dealt with the loss of her baby.

"I miscarried, Pat," she quietly said. "I'm sorry. So sorry."

With misty eyes Pat drew her quickly into a tight embrace. "Oh no, Nisha. Don't be. It wasn't your fault. Just not… just not the time yet for our baby," he consoled her hoarsely, but heartbroken himself.

They had a baby. A child of their own and then it had died, never even getting a chance at life. This was just...

To hear Pat's absolution, after all this time, made Steph throw her arms around him and she sobbed into his chest, the damn she had courageously held together finally broken. The worst thing had been that she had thought Pat would hate her for losing the only thing that had remained of their life, their baby. She knew in her head that it hadn't been her fault. The doctors had assured her of that, even despite her deep depression in that time. It just had… happened. Like it did sometimes. But that hadn't help her much to overcome her terrible loss back then. In her heart she couldn't help but feel responsible. Sure, it had taken its time to get used to the idea of having the baby, but after she had gotten over the shock and she had felt it grow and even starting to move around in her… She had loved that baby and to lose it… Steph pressed herself more into the warmth of Pat.

When she looked up she could see the tears in the green eyes as well and her heart went out for Pat. She had seven years to accept the death of their baby after all. But Pat had just learned that he had been a father to only have to learn a moment later that his child had died long ago. She cupped his face with her hands and leaned her forehead against his. "I just had gotten into the 24th week." She swallowed. "I'm really sorry you had to learn it like that, Pat. You shouldn't have. But I really thought they'd have told you."

He shook his head, pressing her as close at it was humanly possible without being joined by making love. "I don't know why… perhaps they wanted to spare me… God!" Pat stopped, desolated. Steph was quiet and gave him as much time as he needed.

She had no idea how much time had went when he finally leaned back to search her eyes. "The baby… what…"

Understanding immediately, Steph gave him a sad smile. "A beautiful little daughter, Pat. I called her Brianna. Brianna Patricia McParrish. Born and died on June 3rd, 1994."

His eyes glazed over with emotions and he nodded shortly before he drew her back to his chest. Steph led him and gave him all the comfort she could, drawing much out of Pat's strength and nearness herself. It never had been hard to name their daughter. Sure, she and Pat had never talked about any names, but from the moment she had learned the sex of the baby at her first ultrasound she had known it. Brianna, a strong Irish name and the name of the girl's grandmother, who had died in one of the constant riots in Belfast when Pat only had been six years old. Patricia after the father her little girl would never have a chance to meet and McParrish because despite everything she couldn't bring herself to deny their child their name.

"Did you bury her?" Pat asked after a long time, his voice thick with emotions.

Steph shook her head. "No. I had her cremated and then let her ashes free at the waterfall she had been created. I wanted her to be with her daddy. She's mentioned on your gravestone though and I had the urn along with what was left of her ashes in it also buried in your grave." She frowned. "You've never been there?"

Pat shook his head. "No. No, it just felt a bit too - morbid to me. Besides, Felton liked that I was dead to the official world and always claimed it was too dangerous for my cover so to speak to risk going to my grave. That someonce could see and identify me after all. I always thought it a bit a big stretch, but I left it alone as I hadn't the need to see my own gravestone anyway. That's just wrong," he said, making a face. Then his eyes caught hers once again and he swallowed. "Nisha - Thank you. For our daughter's beautiful name. It means a lot to me," he croaked

Steph simply nodded and tightened her arms around him and for a long while they just stood their in each other's arms, comforting the other of the loss of their child.

It was Pat who eventually picked up the conversation again. "And then? What happened then?"

Steph shrugged. "We went home after all. Brianna's death threw me back into my misery again. Worse than before. To lose her was like to lose you all over again and worse. So I was pretty impassive and cold. For a long while. With time Dickie lost his patience with me. You need to know that I never let him… well, we never… you know. I just couldn't." She stopped, not sure if she should tell Pat the next part. He'd be furious again, she just knew it.

Of course Pat already had sensed something. Damn his Irish instinct! "What?" he asked sharply.

Steph sighed. "Nothing. It was nothing, Pat. After a few months, the time came where I finally gave in into Dickie's seduction attempts. I didn't really care about anything after all so why not?" She shrugged. "So we had sex. But you probably can imagine that it hadn't been – good. Not with me doing absolutely nothing, being barely more alive than a body." She looked away, not liking to remember that time. It had been awful and rough and sometimes now she even thought it had been more of a… oh it didn't matter anymore. "Anyway. Dickie never tried to have sex with me ever again. Instead he started to roam around. I knew it, but didn't care. It was his right after all, right? I couldn't give him what he needed and a man has needs… at least so I thought. Then though he brought my archenemy into my house and did it with her on my dining room table, knowing very well that I was to come home from work soon. I guess it was his way to force me to leave him, free him, taking the role as the bad one because I sure as hell wouldn't get caught with another man."

Pat was silent, but the way his jaw clenched and his eyes shot off daggers she could tell he was seething again. Surprisingly though he reigned in his fury and just nodded for her to continue.

"Somehow… it irked my anger, you know? Sure, I had been a shell so far, but being affronted in such a manner… I mean, we were married, had said our vows and even if I didn't love him, it meant something. And with Joyce of all people…" Even now the memory disgusted her and made Steph angry again. "So I gave him what he wanted. I threw a tantrum and moved all my things out and went to my parents, filing for the divorce on the same day. He bucked and you can be sure that I gave him hell. I think our divorce still counts as the loudest and worst in Trenton history. And that after I didn't even want any money from him." She smiled ruefully. "In hindsight I guess I took a lot of my anger about your and Brianna's death out on him, a delayed reaction or so, but still - he sure got what he deserved.

"I always knew that he was a bastard not worthy the air he breathed, but I'd never thought he was so low and dirty," Pat hissed, a lot more outraged than she ever really had been.

"Look, I'm for sure not Richard Orr's biggest fan. But one thing I have to give him credit for: he never mentioned you, your death, Brianna or even the fact that in all the time we had been married we only consumed our marriage once. And he never tried to blackmail me for anything," Steph defended her ex-husband and no, it didn't sit well with her at all. It was the dick after all. But it was the truth nontheless.

"He's probably still waiting for the perfect opportunity," Pat growled mistrustfully though.

Steph shook her head. "Patrick! Leave him be!"

He threw her a dark look. "We'll see about that."

"It's been a long time Pat. Just let it rest." Seeing that her words did nothing to convince Patrick she tried another tactic. "Then concentrate on the here and now: Just think about Dickie's face when he learns that our marriage never had been legal with me married to you all the time. You won, again."

Dickie had hated Pat. She had dated Dickie for a while before she had met Pat, but the second she had laid eyes on Pat Dickie had been forgotten. She married Pat within six weeks and never had looked back. Dickie had tried to stay at least friends with her, and Steph had let him. Then Pat had died and Dickie had turned from the sometimes a bit unnerving admirer to an understanding helper in dire need. She had respected him then for it and still did. Sometimes. But he sure had never liked Pat or the fact that he had gotten her in the end.

A very gloating grin appeared on Pat's face. "Yeah, that face has to be something else, huh?"

Steph laughed and nodded. "Yeah. That's the spirit."

He laughed with her for a moment before he sighed. "It's getting cold. We should probably move it someplace else."

"We're done talking?" Steph asked surprised.

"No, Nisha. There's still a lot to tell each other I think. But I also think that we both had heard and said enough for the moment and could need a break. Don't you too?" Pat asked, reclaiming her hand.

With a sigh, Steph nodded. She sure felt spent after having to tell her supposedly dead husband about the time after his death and their daughter.

"You need food," Pat said decisively.

Steph looked up. "Do I?"

"Yep. That beast in you where every normal people have a stomach sure must be ravaging with hunger by now, after all this action and spent strength by talking with me," Pat smiled.

Right on cue her stomach gave a very loud growl and Pat laughed out loud in his rich melodious laugh Steph loved so much. "I rest my case," he said, his eyes sparkling and he made a mockingly bow.

She gave him a half hearted glare before looking at her watch. "It's dinner time soon anyway. I've been ordered earlier to attend today's dinner at my parents." She sighed. "After what happened at Pino's I can't get out now or it will just get worse." She made a face and Pat shook his head, smiling.

Steph hesitated and looked at Pat, deeply lost in thought. Pat raised an eyebrow at her contemplating gaze, but waited otherwise for whatever she was about to decide. Finally she took a deep breath. "Wanna come along?"

Turning serious immediately, he looked at her surprised. "To your parents?"

She nodded.

"You sure?" he asked, uncertainly.

"Honestly? No," Steph confessed. "But it's not like they've never seen you. And by now Mom will have heard that an old friend of mine has turned up, as well as that this man had claimed to be my husband. You coming along would explain the first part. And then we can move on to explain our situation."

As Pat still looked uncertain, she tried another approach. "Besides, you'd have followed me anyway and sat the whole time in front of their house, right?"

Not being able to deny the truth, Pat shrugged. "Not right in front of the house. But yeah…"

"See. Wouldn't it better to play bodyguard if you come inside and keep me in your eyes?" Steph asked.

"Yeah, sure, but…"

"You're not afraid of my parents, aren't you?" Steph asked with sudden gleaming eyes.

Pat shifted uncomfortable. "Well… your Dad sure can be scary," he admitted grudgingly.

Steph laughed and shook her head. Right after their marriage Steph had brought Pat home to introduce him to her parents. Only as a friend of course. Her plan was it to bring him home a few times, first as a friend, then sometimes as a boyfriend, and after enough time had passed she had planned to bring him home as her fiancée and then have a second ceremony, perhaps a year after their actual marriage. They had only made it to the boyfriend part before Pat had died, which she never had told them either. Just that they had broken up and that she had gone back to Dickie. Of course Pat had to stay in one of the hotels during these visits and she had gone crazy with need back then. In the first night at the first visit she had waited long enough for her parents to go to bed to sneak out of her window and go join her husband, being it the first night since their marriage that they hadn't been able to spend together. Only to run right into the arms of her father who had sent her straight back into her room. She hadn't dared to escape again after that encounter. At least not at this weekend. Back home in Princeton, Pat had confessed her then that he too had tried to get to her – and also had met her father instead. Ever since then he had a deep respect for her father. And great caution.

"Aww, come on? A big bad savior of the world is intimidated by his father in law?" she teased him. She just couldn't help it.

His eyes darkening, he stepped close to her. "Nothing in the world is as scary for a man like his father in law, Nisha," he told her lowly.

She laughed and shook her head at the stupidity of men. But Pat leaned even closer. "Well, there perhaps is something scarier," he admitted.

"Oh? And what would that be?" Steph asked, raising both eyebrows as she still hadn't managed the art of raising only one.

"Your Grandma Mazur," he said and quickly moved out of her reach, laughing. But he sure wasn't kidding. That old bat was scary.

Rolling her eyes, she glared at him. "Fine, buddy. You just got yourself the seat right beside her."

A mask of sheer horror wiped off the grin and he shook his head in near panic. "No! No, please, Nisha, baby, you can't do that to me!"

Not that she was so easily pacified. "See and learn, buddy."

Desperately and definitely acting a bit up, Pat fell down onto his knees before her, claiming her hands. "Nisha, light of my heart, love of my life, soulmate, I beg you on my knees to protect me from the groping hands of your grandmother. I swear on the earth of my beloved Ireland that I will do whatever you want me to do. Just save me from Edna Mazur!"

"Anything?" she asked, a smile playing around her mouth. Pat had his goofy side and God, she had loved him for that as much as for his Irish accent, his deep emotions and the love in his eyes every time he looked at her. And damn it, she had missed it all, so much.

Pat gulped, but nodded. Dread spread out over his face when she nodded, smiling evilly. "So shall it be. Now get up. You look ridiculous."

Grumbling, he got up. "Why do I feel like I just jumped out of the frying pan into the fire?" he mused before he threw her a dark look. "And you know, there has been a time when a lady appreciated a man on his knees before her."

"Yeah, yeah. Just continue to pout. But we've got to go now or we're going to be late. You don't want to be late," Steph lectured him, ignoring Pat's theatre and moving towards her car.

"I do not pout! Men don't pout, Nisha," Pat protested, quite indignated.

She smiled and looked at him over her shoulder. "You do and they do. Now come on!"

With that she hurried the rest of the way to her car and got in. Pat was behind her and was mumbling something. She thought it sounded a lot like 'Wonder what creative ways to kill me Frank Plum came up within seven years'. Giggling Steph put the car in reverse and drove towards the Burg, Pat's silver car hot on her tails.

She had no idea what her parents were going to say to what they had to tell them or if her father really would have any punishment for Pat in mind - but for now she just enjoyed the prospect of Pat sweating in dread of meeting her father again.

Sometimes you just had to live on the little things life offered you.

TBC!

(Author's Note: Okay, back again. I actually had to go to the hospital for five days because the finger got infected, hence the delay. I hope it goes better now, really I do. You just can't control RL sometimes. Anyway, thanks for the many wonderful reviews and the good wishes and I do hope that you liked this chapter as well. More soon!)