I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended. All characters belong to S. Meyer .
Grey. Grey. Everything was grey. I try and remember back to when my world used to have colour, not just shades. Varying degrees of grey, that's all it was now. It wasn't even that long ago, 87 days if I was being exact. Before everything had gotten so royally fucked up for me. The pre-Leah days, although everyday could really be considered a pre-Leah day seen as how I hadn't even had a chance to have her. I wouldn't change it though. Yes, I may currently be in my very own hell but I'd still had that day. That day 87 days ago when I'd found her, saw her, really saw her for the first time. I'd never give that up, it was perfect. God I sounded like Edward. So here I was another grey day passing me by and I couldn't bring myself to care. I remember the routine I'd had as well. I had been so keen on my routine it seemed laughable now. I didn't bother leaving the house anymore unless it was to see him. I say didn't bother but I'm not too sure if I'd be able to if I'm being really honest with myself. I got a little bit worse every day. The only reason I could bring myself to leave to see him was that he told me about her. My daily fix.
After the wolves told me that Leah had left I went out looking for her. I thought that they were just being incompetent. How could she have truly gone, left no trail? It made no sense. They knew she had left from La Push but they just couldn't get a grip on her scent. When they had finally let me cross to check for myself I finally gave up. Hundreds of old scent trails went around her house, all around the reservation, but there were only a few leading away. Each of them lead to an everyday places like the grocery store or Charlie's house. Useless. It was like she had up and disappeared. I had picked up on something the pack had missed though. It was the best thing I had ever smelt. Apple pie and vanilla. There was a hint of something else with it that I just couldn't put my finger on, but the three together were perfect. There was a hint of Leah mixed in but we guessed that was just due to an older trail. The gorgeous scent was faint so we thought it must have been just someone passing by. So we had nothing to go on. That didn't stop me though. I'd finally found the one thing I'd been hoping for my entire vampire life and I wasn't just going to give up. The first week I just ran, going anywhere and everywhere hoping to catch a gust of her scent. Nothing. The same with the wolves. I'd met up with one of them every few hours when I was out looking just hoping they'd found something I had missed.
After a week back home I went. I was starting to feel changes and I wasn't sure if it was safe for me to be running around anymore. There had been an ache in my chest ever since she had first left the house that day, even before I knew she had left. This was different though. Everything hurt. Me, an over a hundred and fifty year old vampire, was in agony. Once, when I was in the Southern Wars' my right arm had been torn off by a newborn. Having it ripped off turned out to be the fun part. Fussing it back together had been torture. It had been so slow, taking hours. I'm fine with quick, strong pain but half the strength and draw it out and I go crazy. It's the time that get's to me. This was like the opposite of the fussing, my body slowly tearing itself apart trying to fly off in another direction to which I was taking it. I'd thought if I just stood still maybe I could get an idea of where my body wanted to go. So I'd tried that, just standing in my study but no, still the dull pulling pain. Carlisle couldn't tell me what it was. He was as stumped as me. The wolves thought it was the pulling of the imprint cords. I just didn't understand if Leah was feeling this why didn't she come back? Edward had seen the conversation between Leah and Embry through his power and had told us all her reasons for going. It made me love her even more. She didn't care about herself, she left to keep the people she loved happy. Selfless. Stupid, but still selfless. I suppose she would need to be if she was my match. That was the first real thing I learnt about my Leah.
Her pack had kept searching for her while I became a useless lump. I did nothing but sit in my study, my family dragging me out to hunt every second day. Carlisle thought that hunting more might help the pain, I thought that was bullshit. I think it was just an excuse for them to get me to move, to feel like they were helping. I didn't want to upset them anymore and everyday it was getting harder and harder to control myself so I went along. It was fifteen days after she had left that I learnt the second thing about Leah. I had been sitting in my study, staring at the wall and trying to project the love I'd gotten from her into the room when Emmett had barged in. He said I needed to hunt so I got up and off we went. The second pack, the one that hated us, had taken to patrolling around our land now that Jacob's pack were all out looking for Leah. We were on our way to hunt when a black wolf almost as big as Jacob's russet talking in front of us. Emmett I'm guessing had heard him coming. I hadn't. Everything was a bit duller, not just colour. The wolf had stared at us then went behind a tree, emerging as Sam Uley.
"Leah rung Emily," he said deadpan. It seemed like he didn't want to tell me this. I didn't care as long as he did. Finally, some contact. I'd give up drinking blood all together if it would make him keep going.
"What did she say? Is she okay? She's got to be okay. Where is she? Is she coming back? Did she tell her I need her?" I fired off the questions at him, moving closer towards him. Emmett put a hand on my shoulder keeping me in place or reassuring me I wasn't sure.
"Calm down. I'll tell you everything Emily told me," he said raising his hands in defence. Never have I wanted Edward around so much since I met him. I wanted to be sure he left nothing out. "She called because she wanted to check on everyone, see if we were okay. Emily said she sounded panicked and a bit crazy like she hadn't slept. She said she rambled to start with but then she was crying. She....Emily asked if it hurt and she said yes. But that she couldn't come back. When Em told her the pack were looking for her she convinced Emily to try and order Jake to make them stop. They were quiet a lot of the time so she managed to hear that she was in a pay phone but didn't get anything else. She said it was a busy place, so we're guessing city."
"Is that it?" Emmett asked. I was just staring. Leah was hurting. Still she wasn't coming back.
"She said to tell everyone she loved them. They spoke about Seth," Sam seemed to choke up a bit. "She really loves her brother see. Doesn't want him missing any school. Asked Em to get Jake to make him go. Said Jake owed her. I think....she sounded bad. That's all Emily will say, she just keeps crying and saying it's bad." Sam was looking at the ground now and even I could smell the salty tears.
I turned to leave, Emmett following silently behind. So Leah was stubborn, definitely stubborn. If she felt like me but was still holding out, well I was impressed. If I knew where she was I'd be there in a second to stop this horrible pain. It hurt to know she was hurting but I was getting something out of learning these things about her. I kept thinking to myself, you'll be prepared for when she does come back. You'll know her, know things about who she is. It was a small reassurance. It took me another week to learn anything else though. Jacob had come home from looking, needed to see Reneseme before he became just as useless as I was. Him and Quil being away from their imprints had half proved the wolves theory. They knew now that after five or six days of not seeing your imprint it became near impossible to carry on like you had before. So the imprinted members of Leah's pack came home every few days to see those they were tied to. I felt a sick envy. This time when he returned, the alpha came to tell me that I was now allowed in La Push. As someone who was bound by an imprint, I was now a tribe member. My family and I loved the irony of it. The 'weakest' was now the one they trusted. I didn't really see the value in it myself. Why go there when I know she isn't? I'll wait and see her home with her; Leah will show me where everything is. I didn't see the fucking point in anything without her. Carlisle and Esme thought it was great, encouraging me to go and see La Push, cheer myself up. This honour only made me angry and for the first time since I'd come back from looking for Leah, I left the house to go for a run myself.
I wasn't far out before I smelt him. The scent was concentrated in this area so I knew he must come here a lot. I slowed down as I neared him and walked into the small clearing. His sandy head was turned towards me and we stared at each other for awhile. He felt sad and curious and a little bit of hope.
"Could you phase back?" As I finished asking he moved behind a large grouping of bushes and then came out as himself.
"Hey, I didn't expect to see you here. I thought you weren't going out?" he asked. He looked different. I'd seen a lot of him since Reneseme was born, he was around almost as much as Jacob. I thought maybe the world was a bit duller to him now too.
"I'm not really, this is the first time. I needed some air," I laughed. He sat down and motioned for me to join him. "So Seth, what are you doing out here? Come here often?"
"Yeah, I'm here every day. I just wanna be wolf you know, so that if she phases in....I'm there. I should've been there that day, maybe I could have stopped her." Anger rose as he spoke.
"You couldn't have changed her mind. Edward said she was set on her course."I turned so I was fully facing him. "If she phases in, will you get me? Right away. I could talk to her, I know I wouldn't hear anything back til you changed but I want her to know I want his. I want her." I wasn't sure what he would say. I couldn't help but think that if she phased in I would miss it, miss my chance to tell her it was real.
"If I can yeah. I'm more set on getting Jake though so he can order her to stay phased. Make it so she can't leave," he said hurriedly. "Not sure he'll go for it but if I don't try," he finished with a shrug. I knew Leah would kill him for that if it happened. I instinctively knew that bowing to orders was not her thing.
"She'll kill you for that you know," I said and he just laughed, telling me little brothers have a get out of jail free card. Especially him, he smirked. We sat there for a long time, not saying anything. It was the best I'd felt in awhile. Being with Seth, someone Leah loved so much, made me feel connected to her, a little less far from her. Fucking sap.
"Tell me about her." And so it started. Every day since, I head to the clearing and sit and talk to Leah's brother. He's told me lots of things about her, little and big things but everything feels like a connection to her. Her favourite colour is green, same as mine and she broke her wrist when she was 12 because she kept trying and trying to do the perfect handstand. It all matters to me, every little bit I can scoop up. I've not just been listening to Seth though. I remembered what Sam said Leah had wanted Jake to do. It was important to her that Seth get his education. Jacob wouldn't order him to go to school but had made him stay near home, saying he was too young. Since Jacob refused, I took it on. We spoke about history, science and a little bit of everything. It wasn't school but it was better than nothing. I hoped anyway.
That particular day we didn't have our usual meeting planned. It was a Saturday so Jacob was letting Seth go out with the pack to search for Leah. Apparently Leah's temper was only to be feared during the week, no school on weekends Jacob has reasoned. Personally, I thought that was shit. When she comes back she was gonna kill Jake for letting him go out. So there I was, just sitting with my books thinking on how everything was fucked. I'd never felt so useless in my entire existence, here I was sitting and moping while other people went out looking for what I needed. It was pathetic. I could hear my family downstairs, Esme concerned over me and the rest reassuring her. This happen daily now. They all sat, their positive feelings getting less and less every time the scene was acted out. Rose and Edward were the only two that weren't feeling some degree of anger, frustration and disappointment with me. I found it had to give a fuck about the rest. They didn't understand. I think they saw this as a replay of when Edward left Bella, and all their sympathy had been used up that time I guess. Good, sympathy and pity were two emotions I found it hard to swallow. I didn't need them and they sure as hell didn't help. It was around six at night, the conversation still going on downstairs, when I started to feel it. I thought it was just the usual pulling pain getting worse maybe because I'd done nothing but wallow in my own mind all day. Sort of a punishment. It took me awhile to realise the extra pain wasn't coming from me though, I was sensing it. Something inside me knew that it was Leah and as soon as I thought it I was sure it was. Something was wrong, she was hurt. There was no way I could just sit there! My mate, my Leah was hurt. Panic and determination was all I was and it just kept growing. I had to get a grip on my emotions or I'd lose my control, let the heavily cultivated facade fall and let the monster I was out. That was the way it was for me, maybe because of my past or maybe because I was an empath. I'd learnt over the years to become Jasper Whitlock again but just under the surface there was the vicious animal I was for so long. I was like the shifters that way, always having the animal just below the surface. Unlike them though, my monster didn't protect anyone.
Every instinct I had was screaming at me to just let go, let my animal side take over and I'd get to Leah. I'd be there, able to protect her and keep her safe. So for the first time since I found Alice I gave up the tight control I had on myself, I let go. It felt amazing. It was instant relief. The constant pain, the feeling of my body running away from itself just stopped. There was just one solid block of pain right on my dead heart. I could handle it though because now I knew where to go. I couldn't tell you how I knew, I just did. Wasting no time I jumped up and then I was flying. I ran through the house, past my gobsmacked family and straight into the forest. Something told me I should explain but like hell I was going to stop. My legs were pounding, moving without me telling them where to go, throwing me to a place where I was sure Leah was. There was no more panic, no confusion, just blinding rage. Rage that someone or something had dared to hurt my mate. They would pay, no fucking way would they get away with this. Instead of the constant grey everything was now behind a veil of burning red. Somewhere in my massive vampire brain I registered that the wolves, Leah's pack, were close and I was catching up to them fast. I'd never been slow by any means but this was something else. It was speed I'd never thought I would achieve but it still wasn't fast enough. I was sticking to deserted areas thank god, focusing on only Leah so nobody was in danger from me. Even like this I managed to feel relief at that. I'd been running for about two hours when I finally caught up to the wolves in what I thought was maybe Valhalla Provincial Park and shockingly I had enough sense to stop. I was coming up behind them and I was sure they had caught my scent. Joy, worry and exhaustion were coming from them. I raced around them, forcing them to stop as I stood in their path. Seth and Jacob phased out, not bothering to cover themselves.
"We found her. She's hurt but she is still phased. We think she's passed out," Seth said, almost jumping with the excitement. "How did you know? I was gonna call but we were out running near the border and we didn't want to stop til we got to Lee."
"Are you okay?," Jacob asked. "You're looking more crazy than usual."
"I felt it, I felt her get hurt. Are you sure she is okay? We need to get to her NOW!" As I shouted they all looked at one another then the two phased back to join the wolves standing behind me. Without saying another word we took again. It only took a few minutes until I could no longer sense Quil, Embry and Seth. Another five and Jacob had fallen too far behind as well. I kept on going, nothing was going to slow me down, Leah needed me.
After another half an hour I was on the outskirts of Calgary. There was a massive pull now, she was close. I approached from the east and followed the pull. In was in the area surrounding the University when I first smelt it. That scent that had been around Leah's mother's house in La Push, the apple pie, vanilla and mystery ingredient. That smell was her, it was Leah. It was addicting. I kept following the pull, annoyed at having to go slow now that I was surrounded by humans and it lead me to a rundown apartment block. Her smell was everywhere around here. I'd found her. I raced into the building and was pulled to the second floor. It wasn't just her scent that was here though, no one of my kind had been here. The one that had hurt my mate. These thoughts had a low growl coming out of me as I walked up to the door behind which I was sure Leah was. The lock had been broken but the door had been shut again. I threw my power out but didn't get anything coming from the other side. I closed off my other senses and focused only on smelling what there was behind the door. It was all apple pie. I pushed open the door, entering and closing the door swiftly behind me. I scanned the tiny apartment quickly and my eyes easily found her. I ran over and crouched beside her. She was lying, still as her massive grey wolf, slumped against the wall where the door was. I could tell she was definitely breathing but it was laboured. I guessed that was because of the pain. One of her legs was clearly broken and she looked to have crumpled down on top of it. I was running my hands all over her trying to see if there were any other wounds that I'd missed. Even under the circumstances I was almost purring getting to touch her. I still couldn't feel anything coming from her which I did not like at all. Again guessing I thought it was probably because she was unconscious. Finishing my unskilled examination of her I scooped up her lean form and lay her gently in the middle of her bed, being careful of her leg. I just stood staring at her for a minute, not really believing that if was really her. She was real and she was right here. I knew that I couldn't just sit here though so I pulled myself together and pulled out my phone dialling Carlisle.