A/N: Fair warning...This one's pretty heavy on really touchy subjects...If you wish to proceed, best of luck to you.
Disclaimer: *See Chapter 1*
She wasn't even sure when sleep finally came. All she could register was the warmth that seemed to wrap around her like a blanket. No matter where she turned, she took in quiet and steady breaths around her, wishing that by now hers was one of them. Instead she found them to be erratic and spearing, some caught in her throat so tightly that her chest hurt while she struggled past them. New panic gripped her then, her hand gravitating to her abdomen without so much as a thought. Emily hoped that in her attempt to squeeze a hand between their bodies to protect it, she wouldn't wake him.
She'd learned over the last few days that Derek was anything but a sound sleeper. She knew this because it was her who often brought him out of any attempts to get one. She couldn't decide whether it was his job or his natural tendencies toward her that made her disturbances acceptable to him but she continuously reprimanded herself for constantly forcing him out of bed. She even did so now while a shaky finger ran along his jaw. Part of her hoped that he wouldn't even feel it. Just the periodical tracing was enough to remind her that he was still there. Another selfishly prayed that he might be able to stop the ache in her chest.
There was no ice cold shower in the world that would wash it away. Even after her skin had turned a terrifying purple-blue, there was no escaping it. The disgust, the betrayal, the terrifying realization that even when she wished it to be the last deep down Emily knew different. Her only saving grace was the warmth of a man she barely knew. It seemed that she skipped right over 20 Questions and dove head first into Hell, dragging Derek right along with her. The reason for it still escaped her. Just because you know how a person likes their coffee in the morning, it doesn't mean they've opened a padlock door to all of your most buried truths. He might be able to do that on the job with a handful of questions and a dash of intimidation but at home (She still couldn't say that without subtly looking over her shoulder every once in a while) he just had to be present. Whether it was through touch or a quiet whisper, she gave him parts of her that only she would ever know about.
But there was no taking this back. She couldn't remember anything after the ice cold water hit her. All she remembered was heavy. Her chest was heavy, her breath was heavy, the water sprayed over her seeming to weigh an extra ten pounds on her already slight frame. His comforts came through from such a distance, her insides rattling so hard, Emily found herself begging to close the growing gap between them. The arms that came out felt so far removed from her own body that she wondered if he would ever take notice. She wasn't even sure when he found her. The only part that made any sense was that the ice had stopped. He put an end to the rain that pelted her so hard she was still surprised that she could feel her arms at all. Derek had picked her up, her legs and arms winding around him so tightly she wondered why they didn't snap right off.
And so began the sirens blaring in her ears. Had he called an ambulance? Was she really in there for so long that she was nearing hypothermia? Even with no concept of time, enough of it had come and gone that she vaguely came to the realization that the trill in her ears was the sound of her own desperation. He was going to be taken from her the minute she so much as moved. He couldn't be. They'd already taken her. They couldn't have him too. She needed him. When she finally dared to release him, a sob sat unused in her throat. She'd just watched him, praying to whoever she could that he would come back for her. When finally he did turn back, the most terrifying words had fallen out of his mouth. He would have to see. He had seen. Knowing what was under there, she had no doubt that by sunrise Derek would send her back. Now the woman's presence made even more sense. Emily was too much work. She would have to be sent back to the box.
Unsure of how many times she'd circled his face, her finger froze, her insides begging to spill out all at once. Maybe if she pulled herself together and made the trip on her own, he would see. If she proved herself to be independent like she was supposed to, Derek would let her stay. If there was any chance of that happening, she had to move now, before it all came up all over him. The sudden movement she'd forced on herself, caused Emily's neck to snap painfully, an unexpected cry tearing from her throat. She watched as his eyes snapped open in shear horror, hating herself even more for the panic she saw in his eyes. Her best chance was to ignore him. Ignore him and get on her own two feet for once. Placing a hand on his chest to steady herself, shaky elbows finally brought her to an upright position. Even though she knew they were there, she tried her best to ignore his gaze, knowing that it screamed concern for what he'd just heard.
As soon as she managed to slip off of him, Derek sat up, his muscles rigid. An attempt to take hold of her arm was thrown off; though it lacked the usual force she always had behind it. Putting his hands back into his lap nervously, he flipped on the lamp, watching her knees tremble in an attempt to stand on her own. He wasn't sure what took over then but he found himself wrapping tightly around her stomach. That seemed to be the one place she never rejected and considering how much her legs were shaking, it wasn't even a guess where she would end up if she tried to move much further by herself. He let a wave of relief wash over him when she gave him no fight and instead fell into him, the weight of her entire body pressed up against him.
"Let me help," he whispered. Emily shook her head vigorously, begging her body to let her step away from him. Instead she did nothing but stand there completely still. "You trying to get to the bathroom?" The surprise she'd felt earlier allowed her to forget the twist in her gut for just a moment. His unintentional reminder started the not so subtle spin of her insides again, so harsh that she barely managed a nod. "Let's go," he murmured brushing her heels with a socked foot as a subtle reminder to keep moving forward. When her own socks brushed tile, she all but fell to her knees in front of the toilet bowl, not even aware enough to mind that Derek pulled up right behind her, straddling her legs to keep his hands where they were.
The second pair of painfully constant hands was barely a shadow and still had the ability to make her blood run cold. Derek felt a hand grip his own stomach forcing it to clench when he saw her pale considerably. When he chanced moving one of his hands up to her hair to pull it back, Emily jarred winding the hand that remained completely around her.
"Inside. Inside. It has to stay inside." The words were barely out before she gave one big heave, the contents of her stomach poured out into the bowl. He bit his lip trying not to let the scene get to him. He could liken this to his nights roaming the streets, the bodies, the shots that rang out across town. Doing that would make all of this at least fractionally easier. It wouldn't hurt to watch her so hunched over he was left to wonder if she might roll back on her heels and just sit on the floor with her head between her knees. As disturbing as those often were, not even they could compete to how helpless he felt while watching her grip the sides of the toilet, at least half of her entire body weight spilling out of her. At least when she panicked he found small ways to be helpful. The little he was doing now wasn't going to lessen this pain.
"Shh..." he whispered twisting the ends of her hair around his fingers lovingly when her head emerged. That seemed to work for a total of two minutes before she pulled forward again and a second wave of nausea took over. As weak as she now felt, no number could be put on just how many it would take to make his hands go away. All the places he dared to touch her without any consideration to how rough they were, how carelessly they handled her. "See Emmy? This is what it feels like to be all grown up". The venom in his voice was inescapable, the whisper in her head making her shiver. Even opening her mouth to get the necessary words out did absolutely nothing. He must have seen her try because the next thing she heard was his sick twisted laugh, nowhere near as gentle as the man who kept her organs inside her body. The sharp contrast pulled her back on her heels, the voice so familiar she couldn't even cry out in horror. She knew that once she did, it would be far from over.
So instead she stayed silent, asking Derek to hold her so tightly that her breath caught again. She knew he wanted to question it but he thankfully remained silent, the force of his grip barely bordering on something that might snap her bones. With her stomach finally settled, she let herself curl up on the floor, the uncontrollable sobs finally taking over after what felt like hours of silence. Despite silently begging for some kind of control over her own body, she was no match for the colossal wave that nearly drowned her, her entire frame shaking so hard that she wondered if doing so would leave her with no tears left to cry, despite knowing that the throb in her heart was a raging bull in her chest.
Just as he suspected, Morgan watched as the young woman seemed to shrink against the tile floors, a string of sounds he didn't even know she was capable of pouring from her lips. Knowing he would run the risk of a clenched fist in his face, the officer pulled her to him where it looked like she only grew louder and more desperate. She hadn't given him a single word, save for the few that begged him to keep her broken pieces together.
Though everything in her pleaded to be left alone, she barely noticed the quiet shuffle that moved her from the floor and into his arms. Emily was so spent from moments before that any slim chance of fight was impossible. She quickly learned that no matter what she might say to keep him off, at least half of her implored to be exactly where she was. She chalked her next trill up to pure exhaustion and an inability to move, her arms wrapping around him so hard that she was sure she would leave unwanted bruises on his neck. What made her feel even worse was the fact that he just let her. Derek sat there and he held her like no one else ever had, like only he could while the weight of the world, her world, left in shards and tattered threads, slid off her small shoulders in a muddy mess.
"Shh princess, I know," he whispered softly. If this had anything to do with hours before, he knew the pain better than he wanted to. He knew it was one of many risks he'd already taken concerning the brunette but the natural urge to cocoon around her came to him before he could even think it through. Kissing her temple while she cried, he let his lips rest on the side of her head for a good minute before pulling back. Again with the sympathy she thought. With her energy completely zeroed out, she reluctantly let his comforts wash over her. "You're so brave, baby...So brave." As laughable as the first one was, she believed this one even less. Nothing about what she let him do to her was brave. She'd lain out in front of him willingly. Her cooperation should have been rewarded somehow. Instead he was just left to haunt her until she was good and dead.
Emily wanted to scream in his face, right all of his misconceptions of her. The words he murmured into her ear made her want to be sick again. Sweet as they were, none of them were right. There was nothing right about any of this. And yet, like she'd done days before, she found herself clinging to those promises until her knuckles turned white. Derek for his merit hardly flinched when she clawed feverishly at his neck, hoping to the universe it would be kind enough to let her keep him. Because the truth was, Emily Prentiss was hardly allowed anything good. And when she was, those were but blips in a painful lifetime.
She was good as trash on the side of the road. It only made sense that she would find herself there months later. That's what happened when hiding a small bump was no longer possible. People were bound to find out, people were bound to see. As much as she tried to avoid it, even the largest of her sweaters couldn't hide her forever.
That's how she found herself in her first little tiny box. The first week had been fine. After seven days, her punishment was bound to be over. They had to know that she already felt terrible enough, completely responsible for the unwelcome surprise of a life growing inside of her. But one week turned to two, three, four. With each passing day it grew harder and harder to breathe. Maybe part of it was the scarce amount of air flow she was allowed in such a small space. Maybe it was the guilt that practically swallowed her whole. Whatever it was, panic came harder and faster with the passage of time.
By the fifth, she crept out only long enough to use the bathroom, saying nothing when Bear caught sight of her and followed her into the tiny space. She knew it was going to be a tight fit but it wasn't like her parents were going to miss the dog. The only way she was even allowed to keep her was an agreement to take full responsibility for her. Feeding, watering, bathing, even vet bills were all on her. They were likely reluctant to even feed her now that Emily was locked away. At least this way she could sneak food and water for the two of them, not having to worry. Now she would not only be warmer at night but with a friend. Much like when she dared to talk to the baby, the Australian Shepherd wasn't too good at holding conversation. But that hardly seemed to bother either of them.
Another three months would come and go before either of them would hear footsteps. Terror gripped her in new ways when Emily heard the familiar cock of her father's gun. Bear let out a quiet whine, immediately going into protective mode, resting her head on Emily's growing belly, even though she was sure she didn't quite understand what was in there. Without so much as a shush, Emily begged her to stay quiet, petting her in hopes that she would stay calm.
The teen swallowed hard when she caught a pair of familiar shoes out of the corner of her eye. Just that made her entire body stiffen, his presence demanding that she look him in the eye. The man didn't even offer a word in greeting for which the young girl was thankful. She knew as well as her own how haunting his voice was. Instead, he snapped his gun against his thigh, the sound making the young dog jump with a small squeak. The reaction made Emily close her eyes up tightly, the snarl that followed it telling her everything she didn't want to know. In only seconds, the Australian's entire weight was up against her used as a selfless shield, a string of snarls and snaps falling out of her mouth in ways that Emily had never heard before. She barely noticed the nose of her father's gun before it snapped harshly against the dog's nose, the sound of her instinctive whine tied with the sound making her stomach turn.
What came next was the single most horrifying noise she would ever hear in her life. Before she could even process what she'd heard, the blood matted in her puppy's fur and her constant whine brought tears to her eyes. She sat completely helpless while her paws gave way underneath her sending her toppling to her side. The brunette found herself on her knees, hovering over Bear while she silently willed her to live. Even like this she knew to keep her tears quiet, despite the fact that they poured in rivers down her face as she frantically searched for the source of the bleed. When finally she found it, she applied all the pressure she could muster, somehow thinking that doing so would eventually stop the bleed. Rather than stop the flow, it only seemed to make for an easier bleed. As blurry as her vision was, she watched the life drain from her baby's eyes, her noble protector offering her one last lick of affection before her eyes began to close all together.
In too much shock to form words, an endless stream of sobs took over as she lay across her lifeless body, crying that much harder when she heard her heart stop completely. At this point, it hardly mattered what happened to her. There was no way the baby inside of her had any hope of living, let alone thriving on the little food she was able to find when her parents weren't looking. Letting it all be over was almost an act of mercy. A decision that would walk with her for the rest of her life. Her breath still staggered and sparse, she came up on shaking legs, swallowing hard as she summoned a look of determination with her hands coming around to protect her belly. She wasn't even sure why when it wasn't going to do anything. Her stance was no match for the bullet that sat ready and waiting. And yet, she did so anyway, letting the blood pour down her fingers when the sound rang loudly in her ears. Not even something so deafening could drown out the only words her father spoke to her in four months. "Not even a bitch can spare the whore".
He must have gone after that because Emily sank back down, laid over her dog, both hands clutched to her belly protecting an equally lifeless child. She wasn't even sure how long it had been since she'd gone in search of food but that night it hardly mattered. Nothing mattered. Not anymore. Her only two reasons for trying had been ripped from her in a matter of seconds. Emily couldn't even recall sleep and when it finally came over her. Only her tears and how they soaked Bear's warm fur. It was when her body finally grew cold that she dug deep to find what remained of her strength to leave that very night and never look back.
"I need you to breathe, sweetheart," he murmured, the request somehow making tears that much easier to come by. Derek wasn't even sure where she found so many tears to cry. With every word he whispered to her, the faster she seemed to dissolve. "Em? In and out please..." he mumbled. "I know it hurts, babe but I need you to try..." The young woman shook her head quickly, buried in his chest as she struggled for any degree of warmth she might still be allowed. How ironic that was, to seek warmth when all she really wanted was to be nothing. She didn't deserve to breathe. She wasn't allowed. No murderer was allowed such pleasantries in life. The degree of pain inflicted was a world's just punishment for so many wrongs.
"He took my babies," she barely whispered, the words adding an extra twenty pounds to her heavy heart. "He took my babies 'cause I was bad...I didn't listen...I tried...I tried to keep them inside. There was...There was so much blood. Too much blood," she cried. Derek blinked, all her muddled reasoning finally lining up. Despite knowing there was nothing there to protect (the realization making him wish to take his own turn at the toilet), he gripped her almost impossibly tight. He wasn't sure how he knew but the sob that rang out in the tiled room wasn't one of physical pain. At least none caused by the pressure he applied. These sounded like pains Emily let crawl up from deep within. The new piece of information only added to his sense of helplessness. Nothing could bring back the life of a child. He could only imagine how much more it took out of her when there were two of them.
"Let's get you to bed, baby girl," he murmured tenderly. He only realized his poor choice in words when she went completely still, a new string of cries muffled by his bare chest. Nice job, Morgan he thought. He knew better than to let her go, somehow managing to sink them back down into bed. Tonight, he didn't even need to ask where his hands needed to be. Winding around her completely, he sighed, sending butterfly kisses through her hair while she shook with new strength. As right as he was about half of it, he could say nothing to this. What had been done to him hadn't produced a child. Even if it had left virtually everything else in its wake.
"You...You have to bring them back...Please bring them back," she pleaded. At this point she didn't even care if it made her crazy. What he'd taken from her was everything she had, everything she ever loved. There was virtually no logic in what she wanted. He knew that. But everything in him wished more than anything that he could do that for her. Derek had done his best to be what she needed in every other way but in a sick twist of fate, he couldn't give her the one thing she wanted more than anything else he'd ever given her. "You have to find the bleed...You have..." He felt her body tension subside when Clooney's wet nose brushed her shoulder, saying nothing while she gripped the retriever and sobbed openly into his coat. Naturally, the dog quietly let her, offering periodical licks to the side of her face to clean up the tears she let spill over. "Please don't let them go...You can't let them go...She tried...She tried to...protect us," she whimpered.
Derek bit through his lip when yet another piece of the puzzle fell into place. For a young woman so terrified of everything, she took to Clooney so willingly. There hadn't been two babies but that didn't make the truth that much easier to hear. Her own puppy, her baby, was a casualty in a selfless attempt to keep them alive. This truth kicked him square in the gut, almost hard enough to leave him gasping for his own breath.
"Nobody can hide from him," she whispered. The only way she stayed so tucked away was because she'd been put there, forced to stay insignificant while life went on below. "Daddy put me in a box...When he found out...I couldn't come out. I wasn't allowed..." The officer could feel his blood begin to simmer, coming to a quick boil when he registered the confession.
"Is that why the walls move?" he whispered. He didn't need words for that. The growing pool on the edge of his pillow was all he needed to see. More than the boy they ran into at the park, Derek wanted to find and end this man. He had to. He'd seen far too many nights of this not to put an end to her suffering. Even though it was just a question, said in the most gentle way possible, she still felt her chest tighten, her breathing quicken, and her attempt to push herself closer against him intensify. "Big breaths for me," he prompted softly. "You're safe now. He can't hurt you anymore." Yes. Yes he could but Derek didn't know anything about that. No matter where she was, he followed. His voice, the last words ever spoken to her, they would be with her forever. No matter how well Morgan's presence kept him quiet, her father would somehow always be there.
"Please save my puppy..." she pleaded. "She's so strong...She...She was trying to protect me..." Even though her father hadn't aimed directly at her, he might as well have. In just two shots, her life as she knew it was virtually over. And still, she tried to salvage what she could of it by making her quiet escape. As she suspected, Emily didn't live much of one after that. She barely ate but only because it was expected. How would it look if she just withered away in front of dozens who fought to make it out alive? She wasn't sure whether it was the haunting memory of the blood on her hands and the final beats of Bear's heart that gave her some twisted courage to stay out of the line of fire but something had. Poetic justice if ever she'd seen it.
"I'm so sorry, sweet girl," he whispered, his own words now caught in his throat. As annoying as he often was, the very thought of Clooney coming face to face with the same fate was unacceptable. "So sorry..." They both knew that those words weren't going to do anything helpful but Derek had to say them anyway. Not because they were expected of him but because they seemed to be the only ones he could find worth saying.
"Four weeks..." she whispered. Morgan let his gut twist again while another light bulb went off in his head. "She would've been so beautiful..." Considering the explanation she gave, he had to wonder how she knew. It had to be as simple as a mother's intuition. He'd seen it before but oftentimes it was used in a joking manner with husbands and fathers. He'd seen Will and JJ go back and forth for months before Henry was born. For Emily, it seemed to be all she had. There was no way she could make it to the hospital without her absence being noticed. "Skye..." As corny as it was, the little girl inside of her was all the blue sky she was going to see for a while. Even she knew that. Everything else around her was clouded and black with harsh realities. Instead, she let the sky fall in on her in more ways than she ever thought herself capable.
"That's a beautiful name..." he mumbled. How ironic when your mother was a murderer. She had to think that at least a criminal deserved to make one thing of beauty. How Emily had gone a whole eight months in virtual silence made him wonder. There was no question she made sure the baby had enough to eat. But then how...?
"Daddy had a gun...Bear got mad. Really mad. I never saw that side of her before. She...She stayed in front of my belly...But he shot and she fell," she whimpered. No wonder she had a problem with guns. Derek had learned rather quickly that he wasn't going to get a word out of her if she saw it. He would catch her just following it, her eyes hard while she eyed it in his belt. He tried his best to keep it out of her line of sight during interrogation. Other times she seemed completely fine when it slipped his mind to keep it hidden, barely flinching when she caught sight of it. "There was so much blood...I...I tried to make it stop," she sobbed. "It wasn't enough...I...I...I didn't mean to..."
"I know you didn't, sweetheart," he whispered. "It was an accident. It's not your fault." Not willing to turn over and face him, Emily sent an elbow to his chest that made the man shuffle back slightly. Despite it being her doing, her chest filled with panic when his grip around them loosened slightly. He had to keep the baby safe. He had to keep her babies safe. He had to. She wasn't sure how he would stop the bleeding and keep her protected at the same time but he would find a way. Derek always found a way. "Shh," he added tenderly. "I know it hurts, pretty girl." No he didn't! Derek didn't know a damn thing about pain! Not this kind. As much as he knew she didn't want hear it, the cry she let flow from her when he said as much was hardly a necessary indication. He made a mental note to throw that into the pile of things he shouldn't say tonight. Not when she was like this. As mad as she was at him for lying to her, she almost pleaded with him to run his fingers along her belly. Maybe if he was gentle enough, the baby would see his good and fight to stay alive.
Easing Emily onto her back gained a yelp of protest before she met his eyes, the warmth in them quieting her to a soft whimper. The tears it seemed were endless but she couldn't help letting them come in ocean tides, the world around her becoming some kind of comfortable haze while she focused on the motions of his hands on her baby. Each one seemed to pull the impossible from her chest, her own ears ringing when it echoed around the room. This time, Derek knew better than to say anything as she clenched with frustration. Like they always seemed to, each one took a piece of him with it. He expertly avoided her knee jerk reactions when he offered heavier pressures on her abdomen regularly. As expected, the more weight he put into them, the louder and more heartbreaking the pushback. Every cell of his body hated doing this at all but there was something relieving about it too. At least from what he learned. To be able to vocalize to the abuser brought a sense of empowerment he was sure Emily didn't see just yet. Right now all she seemed capable of was pain. At this point, he would expect nothing less.
"Daddy watched you touch!" she howled, taking hold of Derek's shoulders so tightly she was sure she would leave him with lasting marks across his perfect skin. "He let you put a baby inside of me! He let you hurt me! And then he took her away! He took both of my babies from me! I...I have nothing! You did that to me!" He raised a concerned brow when she herself forced his hand to a level of strength he hadn't dared put on her. Knowing it was better to be agreeable than argue it, he allowed her to lead him, wishing he could cover his own ears to lessen the blow. Swiftly avoiding a knee in the face, he raised himself up on an elbow while she made herself a tiny ball trying blindly to comfort herself from the self-inflicted weight. As much as he knew that for the moment his place was here, Derek fought his every nerve not to remove his hand and take her in his arms.
"That's it...Let it all out," he whispered, forcing himself to keep her attention. She had to know that he wasn't going to turn away from this, no matter how ugly it got. He also had the smallest hope that eventually she would look up and see him, somehow calmed by the look in his eye. It was a stretch and a half to think so but it happened before. When finally she was struggling just to breathe, he chanced the removal of his hand, the act only serving to upset her more. "I think you're all out, honey..." he mumbled softly. Watching her eyes dart back and forth frantically, he smiled sadly keeping his fingers soft while they brushed through her dark locks of hair. Kissing her forehead seemed to be all she needed to realize her next move.
"My belly..." she breathed. "I...I didn't kiss her goodbye..." the realization putting an even bigger hole in her heart. It wasn't enough that she'd practically killed her child. Dipping down toward her stomach, he waited for her natural rejection, bringing his lips to it tenderly when it never came. Despite how soft and gentle he made it, the tears that answered him were nothing but, though she managed to stay quiet when they poured down her face. "She...She can go to Heaven now..." Emily whispered. Now that her daughter had been brushed by something good, someone filled to the brim with nothing but love, she had somewhere good to go. Somewhere her mother could never send her.
He wasn't sure what made the reference so easy to understand, even though it was near impossible to digest. It was likely something to do with how frequently she made these references. Or maybe he was just a quick learner, someone who knew more about loss than he would ever openly admit. No matter how quick he was to pick up on it, the fact that she even had to say that made his heart hurt. Even like this she thought absolutely nothing of herself.
"I asked him...I asked him to take her..." she confessed, the words putting a knot in her stomach that never truly subsided. Derek's head jerked from where it rested on her stomach, the shock washing over him tenfold. "I...I couldn't live like that...Like me...I couldn't let them hurt her...He did everything to me but I...Skye needed better. I...I let Daddy hurt her so that they wouldn't," she cried. Catch 22 at its finest.
Sitting up now, he had to wait all of ten seconds for Emily to find her place in his lap, holding onto him for dear life. She was glad he didn't have to be asked to hold her as close to him as he possibly could. No real surprise really when most conversations of this nature went on like that. Derek just did what needed doing and for that, especially tonight, she was more grateful than he would ever know. No matter how much of a monster she knew she was, she drank in every bit of his love for her no matter how self-seeking it was to do so. She needed this, needed him to keep her present.
"You were so brave..." he mumbled. If any of that was true, she sure as hell didn't feel brave. Especially right now. But even knowing that about herself, she also knew that Derek was there to be reassuring, even if his words spoke of a fairytale she would never be a part of. "I'm so proud of you..." She'd heard that one before, the compliment more false tonight than it had ever been. There was absolutely nothing he had to be proud of. Was one of the best police officers in Chicago seriously applauding her actions in what was practically a double murder? And still she took it greedily, clinging to the collar of his shirt while he continued to lie to her. "You did so good, Emily. So good..." The third (and hopefully last) of them made her want to vomit again. She'd done nothing but bad. How the hell could he not see that? Was Derek really that blind? Did he really care about her so much that he was willing to overlook the fact that she was the reason her baby was dead?
As wrong as he knew it sounded, even her confession made her nothing but brave to him. To know that she didn't even think before sparing the life of a child made the woman stronger than she would ever know. He also knew that these thoughts made him one of the most terrible human beings, again making him wonder how he had been the one to open the door for Skye to walk into a better part of the afterlife. But what more could she really do? Emily Prentiss was nothing more than a scared little girl who knew better than anyone that no matter what she did, they would never be able to escape the constant torment of her father. The station could strip him of his badge for that alone and he wouldn't even have to blink. Her daughter had been a mercy killing that she'd carried for what he had to guess was the last eleven years of her life. It was hell to know that she carried it but better that than an innocent child, bound to be made a victim along with her mother.
"Tell me about your puppy," he said softly, pulling the small hairbrush out of the drawer and through her hair. Hearing her breath catch, he watched a sad smile come across her face. Clooney didn't even need directing. The dog's head landed softly in Emily's lap letting her run her fingers mindlessly through his fur while she gathered her memories. She had just enough in her to recall the image of her dog and let the calm of the bristles call forward some of her better stories.
"Bear was smart. Really smart. I'm not just saying that as her mama," she said wistfully. "She was a lot like you..." she mumbled. "Sometimes she could read my mind. She knew what I needed before I did. Sometimes it was just a kiss...A lot of the time it was just cuddles. Bear was always there, even when I didn't want her to be." Derek could hear her attempt at laughter and how it quickly died on her lips. She'd follow me everywhere. She wasn't allowed upstairs. Daddy made it a rule. That's why he put my box there...He made me stay in the attic. It was...It was really small. Lots of boxes. Daddy liked a big house. But he liked to have a lot of stuff too. Stuff we didn't use. The stuff we never used was put in even smaller boxes than me. I didn't have pillows so I slept on one of them." Derek didn't miss how quickly she seagwayed but let her keep talking. If she thought so highly of her dog there was no doubt she'd get back to talking about her, already pretty sure he knew how she would come back into play. "I was upstairs for about a month...I went down to find food when they were at work...Bear followed me upstairs. She cuddled with me a lot. The attic was cold so it was nice to have that. Daddy never showed up, so it was okay to have her there without hiding. He didn't show up for three months. When he did...When he did he had his...and I knew. The baby was coming soon and that wasn't allowed. He...he was gonna take her away. He let me hold her for so long but then he just...I didn't have to ask why he was there. It all made too much sense. Then he hit my baby...He hit her nose with the back of his...and she cried. Not for long though because when he came closer, she snapped at him. I...I don't know if she bit his hand or not but I like to think she did. But then she fell. She fell right up against me. She didn't even cry when the blood came. She looked at me...with love and...she...she kissed me goodbye before her eyes closed. It wasn't until then that I looked for the hole. But there was already so much...I...I let her die right in front of me. And I...I didn't even get to say thank you...Or that I loved her. I didn't even tell that to Skye. Or that I was sorry. I didn't say anything. I stood up...and I let him. I let him take my babies away because I was bad. I was always bad."
Derek's stomach did a complete summer sault as he tried to take in her every word. As hard as they were to hear, he knew that somebody had to. He made a mental note to make a couple of phone calls first thing Monday morning. There was no way that carrying any of this around wasn't slowly killing her. Letting her wither away was the last thing he intended to do. He would be out himself before he let anything more happen to her.
"Hey, you know I love you, right?" he whispered. Even though they sounded nothing like they usually did when she heard them, her heart still skipped several beats. The way he said it, it was safe. What he said was warm and promising in a way that made him believable. No matter what her reservations were, something about Derek was always believable. As nice as they were, she still didn't know how in the world he did. Still, she nodded anyway, hoping she conveyed just how thankful she was to hear them said so kindly to her. The brush he had used was now replaced with his fingers. He took a minute to go through her hair (probably to make sure it was all done) before his arm dropped back around her waist. Emily fell into his chest without a second thought, her arms wrapping tightly around her neck while she went in search of his heartbeat.
"Derek always loves me...Even when I do things I'm not supposed to." The man in question nodded sadly, a kiss brought to her temple that pulled out the smallest whimper. "Even when I kill my babies," she whispered. "He doesn't put me in a box like he's supposed to..." Again, he nodded slowly, sick by the sudden clarity of it all as her story came together. Her fear of small spaces, of firearms, her love for his dog and complete and utter fear of every human being alive. Even though her trust in him made even less sense now than it did before, he wasn't going to question it unless absolutely necessary. It was good enough that she trusted someone.
"Never..." he murmured. "I'm just going to put you right here," he smiled. "Is that okay?" he asked tightening his hold on her. The smile he earned was enough to at least begin the process of putting his own heart back together.
"It's my favourite..." she whispered brushing her fingers along the side of his face. "He's safe. He's always safe...Makes it so I don't have to be scared." Again he nodded placing the lightest of kisses at her collarbone. "I wish he was Skye's daddy..." He didn't have to look up to know the distant look in her eyes. He'd worn it too often not to know exactly what it sounded like. "She woulda liked him a lot..." He only looked up when she choked, folding up again in his arms.
"You're okay..." he mumbled bringing light kisses across her knuckles. No. No she wasn't and the scary thing was, Emily had no idea if she would ever be okay again. But at least here, at least he would help her find it. Or at least, she hoped as much. Derek had lost complete track of time, only made aware of it when the sun crawled up against his window. "I'm gonna have to go make us something to eat soon," he said quietly. Emily felt her stomach knot at the mention of it, not sure if she would ever find it in her to eat again. "If he stays, do you think you could hang out for a few minutes while I go find us something?" The brunette felt terrible, so terrible she didn't dare tell him that she didn't want to eat. He was already going through enough trouble just making it for her. Instead she just nodded, burying her face in the retriever's fur and holding on tightly. The dog hardly seemed to mind, sinking down in the one spot his owner left vacant and pressing up against her.
He knew better than to be gone for very long, returning in no more than ten minutes with bacon and waffles. Considering how shaky she was, there was no way he trusted her with silver wear. Making sure it was food she could eat with her hands was a safe enough bet that she might actually try, even though he knew the chances of that were slim to none. The dog easily allowed him his space back on the bed, pulling up on Emily's other side and resting his head on his paws.
"Can we try some of this?" he asked carefully. She tried not to hold her stomach as the smells washed over her. There was no hiding the subtle shake of her head though. Her clamped together mouth wasn't allowing a single piece of food inside of it. Not after what she'd gotten rid of hours before. The woman wasn't about to put all of his work to waste again. He set the plate on the side table, waiting only a minute before she found her way back into his lap. Breaking the strip in half, he carefully brought it to her mouth. A whole fifteen minutes passed before she inched it open, realizing that his overabundance of patience wasn't going to abandon him now. She let it sit on her tongue for another three before swallowing it, the edges of the crisp meat scratching the sides of her throat. "Good girl..." he mumbled kissing her forehead.
And thus it continued. She offered a brief battle before allowing the food to enter her mouth, each piece washed down with something much better than milk. She wasn't even sure where he found the patience to repeat himself countless times, let alone touch her as often as he did. She'd even reached a point where she anticipated them, only aware of how much so once they stopped all together. Shaking her head she sighed, hoping that she was allowed to keep it all inside this time.
"Can...Can we stay?" she mumbled nervously. She was almost certain he would want to go somewhere today. When someone did what he did so well, there was no doubt he'd want a day to just escape it all. And here she was asking him to stay inside with her. How selfish was that? "I...I just wanna stay here with you...I...I hope that's okay," she said meekly. After what he just heard, it was damn near expected.
"Yeah, we can stay," he whispered. He took a minute to wonder how his hand came to rest on her bare stomach under his incredibly thick sweater. Just hours before she was begging to stay hidden and even though she still was for the most part, she still invited his touch, even after everything he'd already heard.
"I...I like it when you touch..." she mumbled. "It's warm..." Derek smiled bringing it back out only long enough to outline her mouth. Emily gave him a trying smile with her quiet kiss to his finger, making sure he knew just how much she appreciated every one of the little things he did for her. "Will you touch more...?" The man blinked unsure of exactly what it was she was asking. "You...You can see..." she whispered. "I know you won't hurt me..." He watched her pull away from his arm for only seconds. "Please..." Biting the inside of his cheek, he let his sweater come up over her head shocked as hell when she didn't even think to pull away. Instead she traced along his collarbone and kissed. Emily placed the lightest kiss where his heart would be. Watching her pull back, he smiled softly, placing the tenderest kiss just over hers. He chuckled when she shivered slightly. "Can you hold me...? Like this..." she whispered. Nodding slowly, he brought her hair over one of her shoulders, earning him the quietest sigh when she came to rest on his. "I...I like that. It's...It's safe...and warm," she mumbled.
A/N: Alrighty then...If you were lucky enough to survive that, have a complimentary tissue. We also have cookies.