A/N: Wow, I'm so sorry for the delay. I've had a portion of this written for a long time but it's been so hard to write and I'm not really happy with the results. But I don't want to keep it hostage forever. So here it is. Please bear with me as we go through an flashback within a flashback. And thank you so much to everyone who has stuck it out. Your reviews make me so happy.
Important: "September 2008" refers to a day an year after the events of Learning to Be
Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare created Mortal Instruments and all the characters and the universe used in this story. Like Learning to Be, the actual plot of the series is largely ignored and may only appear in a cursory manner.
Warning: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including discussion and memories of sexual abuse of minors (not explicitly described) and self-destructive behavior. There is also coarse language and adult sexual content in this story.
Learning to Breathe
Chapter 6: Of Mother, Father and Son
September 2008
"You're totally cheating," complained Alec as he turned around to look at the "remodeling" Magnus had done on their sandcastle. They had spent the last hour making an elaborate castle out of sand using toy sand pails and tools they found in the villa.
And while Alec was digging a waterway from the ocean to the castle's moat, Magnus had taken it upon himself to add lines to make it look like it was built out of tiny sand stones and little lights in the windows with his magic.
Magnus chuckled as Alec drew nearer, water filling his tunnel as he connected it with the deep moat around the castle. Magnus slung his arms around Alec's waist and pulled the younger man against him.
"Maybe I should shrink us and we can explore our castle."
"You couldn't do that!"
"I totally could!" Magnus replied in mock outrage.
Alec twisted his body so that he could look at Magnus while keeping himself wrapped in the strong arms. "Oh really?"
"Of course I can," Magnus started and then smiled sheepishly. "...but then I wouldn't have enough energy to turn us back. You know being so small and all."
"And we'd get washed out with the tide and then what?"
"I'll make us a tiny ship with my tiny magic and we'd live happily ever after."
"Until we're eaten by a fish."
"Why must you poke holes in our tiny adventures?" Magnus whined.
"Because I love all 6 feet and 2 inches of you."
"Oh yeah? Are those the only inches of me you love?" Magnus purred.
Alec looked confused for a moment before he blushed furiously and shoved him away, playfully.
"By the angel, Magnus," he exclaimed as Magnus fell backwards into the sand, laughing so much, tears gathered in his eyes. Alec swung his knees on either side of Magnus's stomach and bent down to kiss him. His lips grazed over Magnus's lips before he pressed harder, waiting to be granted entrance. Magnus, who was trying to contain his laughter quickly pulled at Alec's bottom lip with his teeth, swiping his tongue against Alec.
"I love every inch of you," Alec murmured when they pulled away, Alec's eyes twinkling, like a mirror of the blue ocean behind them.
Magnus smiled, brushing sand out of Alec's hair. "I love you too, darling."
March 2008
"Alec, can you grab two bowls for me" Maryse said as she stirred the large pot of chicken noodle soup. Alec was standing at the kitchen island slicing a fresh loaf of bread into thick slices for his sick siblings.
He put down the knife and went to the cupboard for the bowls. Jace and Izzy had both come down with a horrible flu. Maryse insisted that both Alec and Max stay clear of the two teenagers. Robert was already avoiding them.
Max sat beside Alec on a high stool, kicking his feet against the counter and sneaking a slice of bread.
"But won't you get sick, mom?" Max asked.
"I have an excellent immune system. I'll be fine. And don't talk with your mouth full."
Alec looked back and laughed. "Do you want some soup with that bread?"
Max shook his head. "I like it plain."
"Sounds delicious," Alec replied. He passed the bowls to his mother and waited for her to hand them back filled with the piping hot soup. He arranged the bowls and bread on a tray with two glasses of ginger ale.
"They better not expect this kind of service when they're able to get themselves downstairs," Alec said, handing off the tray to his mother.
Maryse laughed and smiled at Alec. "Maybe Izzy will make you lunch instead," she replied cheekily before taking the tray upstairs.
Max chuckled and Alec stole some of his bread.
"You're being nice to mom lately," Max said.
Alec frowned. Was his animosity towards his mom so obvious that a nine-year-old could pick up on it?
Alec shrugged. "Why don't I make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich," he said instead. He didn't really want to talk about his relationship with his mother. Ever since their conversation that morning a month ago, Alec was trying to make an effort to improve their relationship.
xxxxxx
February 2008
"You're welcome to leave now, mother," Alec said, turning his back on his mom and shuffling through his drawer for a clean towel.
A gentle hand fell on his shoulder and he instantly tensed. His own hand clenched the terry cloth, his high from the night with Magnus slipping away, slowly replaced by emotions he didn't want to deal with; the feelings he associated with his mother were disappointment, betrayal, even shame but most of all, longing. A deep, uncontrollable desire for his mother's affection, something he had long given up on but subconsciously never stopped wanting.
"I'm not leaving until we talk."
He jerked his shoulder away, his back still facing her. "Do I have a choice?"
"If that's what it takes," his mom said, sighing deeply.
Alec closed his eyes. He remembered how careful Jace always was with his need for autonomy. It took a lot for Jace to take that away from him, only resorting to it when it involved Alec hurting himself or putting himself in harms way.
Maryse stepped away from him and he finally turned around, looking her squarely in the eyes.
She watched him carefully and her shoulders sagged. Alec rarely saw the formidable woman deflate like this.
"I'm sorry Alec. I'm not going to force you to do anything."
It was like she read his mind.
"But I stand here, pleading with you. Begging you to just let me try to talk to you. I know I have a lot to atone for but I never stopped loving you."
Alec's head was pounding. He closed his eyes and pushed his fingers against his temples.
"What is there to say, mom? You've never noticed me. I stopped talking and you didn't think something was wrong?" He finally said. He tried to be angry but all he felt was hurt.
"Oh Alec, I knew something had to be wrong. I begged you to tell me, pleaded with you so many times. Not in a million years would I have guessed the truth. What he did..."
It was easier to be angry now. "So it's my fault? You think I wanted to stop talking? I tried mom. And I was scared and confused and hurt. I thought you wouldn't believe me or you would be disgusted with me."
He leaned back, pushing the drawer behind him closed, his hands clenched around the top edge of the dresser.
"And isn't that what happened when you found out. I disgust you, don't I? You look at me and you think how did my son let that man do that to him? Why wasn't he strong enough to stop him? He must have liked it."
Maryse stepped forward. Alec pressed further into the dresser like it would create more space between them.
She raised her hand and cupped his cheek with her palm. Alec flinched but his mom didn't let go. Only then did he realize she was wiping away his tears.
"Never, Alec. I have done so much wrong but I have never thought this was your fault. If anything, it's mine."
She brushed some of his hair out of his face as she continued to talk. Alec stood, frozen.
"Remember when I used to come into your room and sing to you when you were afraid of the dark?"
Alec stiffened. How many times had he wished that his mother would come in just once to sing to him? At night, alone in his room with a monster that even the dark could not conjure up. But he knew she never would.
"When I was 12 I told you I didn't need you to sing to me anymore. I said I was too old to be afraid of the dark," Alec said quietly. "And so you stopped coming."
"I wish I hadn't stopped, Alec."
And yet again, it was his fault this happened to him.
"But that doesn't make it your fault."
He looked at her, startled by how her words mirrored his thoughts.
"Most 12-year-olds would ask their mom to stop singing bedtime songs to them," she continued.
They stood silently for a moment before his mom reached forward again and placed her hand on top of his clenched one.
"Can we sit down?"
He nodded mutely. The energy needed to push away the love he so craved was too much to stop the momentum of their conversation.
His mom sat on the edge of his bed and Alec reluctantly followed, sitting beside her with at least a foot between them. He stared forward, not looking at his mother.
"I knew something was wrong but it never crossed my mind that Manson was...was..."
"Having sex with your kid," Alec said callously. He could see her flinch from the corner of his eyes.
"No one ever warns you as a parent of the possibilities. We learn about so many monsters but no one talks about the monsters amongst us. No one talks about what some adults are capable of doing to children."
Alec could feel the dampness on his face. He hated how easily this topic brought him to tears. It made him feel weak and helpless and that was the last thing he wanted, especially in front of his parents.
"It's not that you are the only Nephilim child that has been hurt like this but nobody in our community talks about it."
"Just like us," Alec muttered.
"I wanted him to be put away. The minute I saw him..." Her voice trailed off. She closed her eyes. "That night. It replays in my mind, like a broken record that I can never fix."
"You can't even say it," Alec said, bitterly. "You skirt around what actually happened to me, making "it" an euphemism for sexual abuse, for rape. I did that for a long time too. Hell, I still do. But I don't want to sit here and have this conversation when you can't even acknowledge what happened to me. Because while you might have one experience replaying in your head, I have hundreds of unwanted memories to occupy my mind."
Maryse nodded, her face stricken. "You're right, Alec. I have struggled and made unforgivable choices. And I know I sit here asking you to forgive the unforgivable. On that night, I walked in on a trusted shadowhunter...raping my child." Her voice hitched and Alec flinched despite his prior declaration. "I stood in that bathroom and healed the physical manifestations of his abuse. I didn't argue with Robert's decision to let Manson go. We moved your room, rejoiced when you spoke and never discussed the abuse you suffered with you after that."
"Why?" Alec said, his voice sounding strained. He pressed his fingers into his thighs.
"I was scared. I was scared you would stop speaking if I talked about it. And I was scared to talk about the many ways I failed you. It was easier to convince myself that you would stop speaking again if I tried. That I would do more damage than good. That time was what you needed."
"You were wrong. I know I didn't want to talk about it but I know now that my silence trapped me in the pain I thought I was avoiding."
"I know, Alec," she said remorsefully.
"And letting him back into the Institute...how am I supposed to forgive that?"
She bowed her head.
Alec laughed suddenly. "I mean, ironically, I guess his presence spurred me into confronting my problems and talking about it but maybe if you had tried sooner I wouldn't need to face him in order to start dealing with my issues."
"When Jia told me he was coming to the New York Institute, I was shocked. I asked if I could speak to him so I could force him to stay away. She said he was in Madras at the time. I should have said something in that moment. I should have told her that I would not have that monster in my house."
Alec wondered if he would have been mad that his mother had told the Penhallows about it, not that it mattered now that the Clave knew. But it was still a paradox.
"I was a coward," Maryse said plainly. "But I don't want to be coward anymore, Alec. I don't want to be a stranger in my son's life. And I will spend the rest of my life working for your forgiveness but never expecting it."
Alec wiped away his tears roughly before placing a damp hand over his mother's and squeezing it. She looked up finally, staring at her son through glistening eyes.
Alec didn't know what to do. It was hard to sit there and stare into the blue eyes he had inherited. To imagine continuing to distrust the person who gave birth to him and wanted to make things right. This was definitely the longest and most honest conversation they had ever had.
Alec had learned not to trust at a young age. His world of people was small. It consisted of his parents, his siblings, Hodge, Manson and now Magnus and perhaps Clary and Simon. And of those people, three had hurt him and Alec had never had the avenue for forgiveness.
His mother squeezed his hand back, hope dancing in her eyes.
"I don't hate you but I don't yet trust you," Alec started. "But I am willing to work towards forgiveness."
His mom drew in some air and nodded eagerly. "Can I make you some pancakes for breakfast?" she asked, almost timidly, as if she was preparing for his rejection, as he had in the past.
Alec stood up and grabbed his towel. "That would be nice, mom," he said. "I'd like that."
xxxxxx
Maryse had just returned with the empty tray as Alec placed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in front on Max. Robert entered the kitchen a few seconds later, dressed in gear.
"What's going on?" Maryse asked. Alec frowned. He rarely saw his father in gear now. He was too busy focusing on politics to get involved in the daily business of demon hunting. He was a large, imposing man and when Alec saw him in gear, he was reminded of the man he had once looked up to and even feared.
"There's heightened demon activity in the 60s."
"Well, I don't want to leave Alec here to deal with the two upstairs and risk getting sick."
Robert turned to Alec. "Son, get dressed."
Alec nodded mutely and left the kitchen, his mind running a mile a minute.
He had only gone hunting with his father a handful of times and not in the last three years.
The teenager returned, his bow and quiver strapped to his back and a seraph blade and dagger secured at his hip.
Robert took out his stele, tracing a glamor into his forearm so he would appear regularly dressed to mundanes. "We'll take a cab."
The two Lightwoods sat silently in the cab as it raced down the FDR, making its way to East 61st Street and York Avenue in under 5 minutes.
Alec's father shelled out cash for the cab driver before both men stepped out.
They hadn't said a word to each other. Alec avoided looking at his father. How was he supposed to trust his father in this fight?
Suddenly, a high-pitched scream ripped through the silence and Alec flew towards the sound, thoughts of his father gone. There was an overpass cutting over 61st Street creating two long walkways flanked by walk-up apartment buildings on one side. Alec turned down one of the dark deserted walkway towards the sound.
Up against the mesh fence that blocked the area beneath the overpass was a teenaged girl and a large towering man. Except he wasn't a man. He looked like one but he stunk of demon. His one hand was underneath her skirt and the other hand was clamped over her throat.
Flashes of memories instantly filled his mind. Being pressed against a wall. Hand down his pants, strangling fingers at his neck.
Alec rushed forward and grabbed the demon's shoulder, pulling him away. The demon growled and pulled the girl with him. It turned to look at Alec and released his hold on the teen. She stumbled back and tried to fix her torn skirt.
"How dare you!" it hollered, it's words stilted and unnatural sounding. The shape-shifting demon had not realized that Alec was a shadowhunter. He could hear his father coming up from behind him as he drove his seraph blade right through the demon. The girl screamed again as the demon collapsed within itself and disappeared in a cloud of dust.
Without acknowledging his father, Alec turned towards the teenager. She pressed herself further into the fence, fear etched across her face. Alec didn't know what to say.
"Alec, there are more inside. We need to go," his father said.
"I'm sorry," Alec said softly before turning around and jogging after Robert.
By the time they made it to the sixth floor of the adjacent apartment building, Alec could hear music blasting from the apartment at the end of the hallway.
Robert drew an unlocking rune into the door before the shadowhunters stepped into the loud, crowded party. Alec's nostrils were assaulted by the stench of demons. The smell was overwhelming.
"Too many mundanes," Robert called out to his son.
Alec scanned the room. Music was blaring and people were grinding up against each other. The floor was sticky with spilt drinks. Everyone in the room looked drunk and significantly underaged.
The two Lightwoods were not glamoured invisible but no one noticed their entrance.
Alec finally looked at his father. "Turn off the music and yell at everyone to get out."
Robert looked at Alec confused.
"Most of them will think you're the father of whoever's throwing the party."
Nodding, Robert pushed through the crowd and found speakers hooked up to a computer. He turned off the speakers, extinguishing the music and bringing the dancers to a halt.
"What the fuck!" yelled a teenager.
"EVERYBODY OUT!" Robert bellowed.
Instantly teenagers started filing out of the apartment. One girl, about 16 years old approached Robert angrily. She was clearly intoxicated and appeared to be the host of the party. "Who the fuck do you think you are?"
Alec could see at least eight demons disguised as teenagers circle the two shadowhunters and the remaining girl.
Alec placed a hand on the girl's shoulder, drawing her attention to him. She looked at him and her face instantly seemed to brighten. "Aren't you gorgeous," she slurred.
He ignored her words. "Listen, when I say 'run', you run for the door and get out of the building."
She continued to look at him dreamily, nodding absently.
He quickly drew out his seraph blade, yelling "Gabriel" loudly. The blade sprung to life, glowing brightly.
"Actually, it's Madison," he heard the teenager say as he swung it at an oncoming demon.
The demons had lost their human form, growing into massive, grotesques forms made of scales and slime and horns.
His father was swinging his blade between two demons. Five demons surrounded Alec. One demon swung a long, sharp shaft at him, which he jumped over before plunging his blade forward. It stumbled backwards turning into dust as the other four crowded him.
"RUN!" Alec yelled.
The girl looked at him confused.
"Run, get out of here, NOW!" he said, turning towards her angrily. A demon took that moment to slash at him, cutting through the leather of his jacket and his side. Ignoring the pain, he spun around, swinging his blade. The demon moved quickly, his blade only severing an arm-like appendage. The demons surrounded him tightly, leaving him little room to maneuver his long blade.
He reached for a dagger, burying it in one demon while slamming his knee into another one. With a little more space available now, he plunged his blade into a third demon. It moaned and hissed but Alec didn't see what happened to it as he felt himself being lifted off the ground by another demon. Alec curled his legs back and slammed his feet into the demon's center with so much force that it toppled back, taking Alec down with it.
The fallen demon wrapped tentacles around Alec's center, blood from his wound seeping out quickly from the pressure. He struggled as another one loomed over him. Before he could reach for his fallen blade, it burst into ash, leaving his father towering over him and the demon beneath him.
Alec took the moment of reprieve to grab his blade and bury it into the demon holding him. He slammed into the floor as the demon turned into dust.
Robert held his hand out for Alec but the younger Lightwood sprang to his feet and drew his bow and arrow out, letting an arrow fly half an inch above Robert's head as a demon literally flew towards Robert's back.
The arrow pierced its center. It collapsed behind Robert and Robert instantly spun around, slashing the demon into two with his blade, the two halves bursting into ash.
The two shadowhunters stood alone in the destroyed living room, ash littering the floor.
"Are you all right son?" Robert asked, inspecting the teenager carefully.
"I'm fine," Alec said tightly.
"You're bleeding," Robert said, pointing to his side.
Alec winched as he moved to assess the damage.
"Here, let me," Robert started but Alec grunted and turned away. He carefully peeled away his leather jacket. Underneath, he was wearing a threadbare t-shirt that was now soaked in blood. He grimaced as he lifted it; the material was almost welded into the wound.
A hand fell on his arm and he jerked away, hissing as he disturbed the wound.
Alec closed his eyes. He wanted Jace. Jace was who he fought with. Jace was who healed him when Alec could not. Not this man who was essentially his father in title only.
But Jace wasn't here and the angle of the wound did not make marking himself effectively possible.
"Alec, please let me."
Reluctantly, Alec moved his arm away, exposing his side. He looked away as his father lifted the shirt high up. He felt fingers wiping away blood. He stood tensely, his nerves on edge as Robert's stele carved the rune into his skin, just above the wound.
He felt the injury slowly starting to heal. He turned to look at the wound and found his father staring. The man was still holding his son's shirt up, his eyes sweeping over the faded scars on his torso and arms.
Alec pulled away quickly, tugging the shirt down. It was a rather pathetic attempt with the gaping tear in the shirt exposing his skin anyway.
"Alec," Robert started.
"We should get out before the mundie police get here," Alec said stiffly. He put the jacket on and zipped it up. Because it was made of stiffer material than his shirt, the cut in the jacket was barely noticeable, leaving him sufficiently covered.
They walked out just as police cars pulled up to the building.
"Follow me," Robert said. Alec silently followed him, assuming they were heading for the subway but when they turned onto 62nd Street instead, Alec stopped.
"Where are you going?" he demanded.
"I know a place. We can get cleaned up."
"We could be home in 10 minutes," Alec protested.
"Please, Alec."
Robert had pleaded with Alec more times tonight than any other time in his life.
"You do what you want. I'm going home."
"We both have blood on us. Look, right there," he said as he pointed to a dimly lit storefront.
Alec groaned but followed the older Lightwood anyway. What harm was there in washing his hands before getting home.
The narrow storefront was actually a bar called The Third Rail. A tiny bell rang as they entered the dingy bar. Three patrons sat at the bar, leaving the tables empty. Behind the bar was a middle-aged woman.
She looked up at the men and nodded, pointing at a table in the back of the room as she stepped out from behind the bar.
"I could smell the angel blood from a mile away," she said, looking at Alec when they neared the table. "The bathroom is just behind that door."
Alec muttered a 'thank you' and stepped away. As he disappeared into the bathroom he could still hear the conversation between the bartender and his father.
"I haven't seen you here in ten years Robert," the bartender said.
"I haven't had a reason to," he said stiffly, like he didn't want to discuss his reasons for being here in the past.
"Is that your son?"
"Yes, my eldest," Robert said. He almost sounded proud.
Alec shook his head. "Don't imagine things that are not there," he muttered to himself. He tuned out the conversation and focused on cleaning up.
He had to admit, he felt better after washing up. He had tossed the shirt and opted for just the jacket zipped up. The smell of iron was less pungent now.
When he stepped out, his father was settled in the booth, his fingers wrapped around a pint of dark beer.
"What are you doing?" Alec asked, crossing his arms and glaring down at him.
"Sit, please."
"You've been saying please a lot lately."
"Son."
"You enjoy your drink. I'm going."
"When you were much younger, you used to think I was..."
"I used to think you were the strongest, most formidable shadowhunter," Alec said through gritted teeth. "I revered you. I was even a little scared of you. And all I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me."
He paused. He could feel his voice getting shaky. "And then I grew up," he spat out.
He shifted his eyes away, knowing that he wasn't being totally truthful. While he no longer put his father on some sort of pedestal, he still wanted him to care about him, to love him and to be proud of him. He hated it. He felt pathetic for wanting that from his father, when he had proven on more than one occasion that he was not capable of it.
"Alexander."
Alec looked at his father reluctantly.
"You are right, Alec. I have not been a good father. I haven't even been a good shadowhunter."
Alec looked at him, surprised.
"Please, son."
Reluctantly, Alec slid into the booth. "Do you think the more you call me 'son', the more likely it will feel right?" he asked bitterly.
Before he could answer, the bartender arrived at their table.
"Anything for you, young man?"
Alec looked at his father's drink. "I'll have what he's having."
She clucked her tongue and shook her head.
"Stella, it's okay, give him the beer."
"21 and older only."
"Fine, he'll get a water and I'll get another beer than." He smiled at her pointedly.
Stella rolled her eyes. "Why do I even bother. He's your son."
"You know her well?" Alec asked.
After Stella returned with the drinks and left, Robert nodded. "But I haven't seen her in 10 years."
"What happened 10 years ago?" Alec asked.
Robert pushed the new pint in front of Alec, swirling his own drink absently.
"Max was born 10 years ago," Alec said. "You weren't around much then. I remember that."
Robert nodded mutely.
Alec curled his fingers around his glass.
"I've made a lot of mistakes."
"What's the line between mistakes and bad decisions?" Alec countered.
"It's a fine line. You're right, I've made a lot of bad decisions."
"I've heard that a lot from you and mom."
"You seem to be talking to your mom now."
Alec pressed his lips together. He still hadn't taken a sip of his beer, his hands still gripping it tightly. "Is that why you're trying so hard now?"
"I don't know what changed with you and Maryse but I realize that I cannot just wallow in my own pity and expect things to change."
Alec finally took a sip of the beer. It was surprisingly smooth with a fruity hint to it. Much better than the cheap stuff he had with Jace on that rooftop when he burned the pictures. "I didn't realize you were wallowing."
"I wallow in private."
Alec stifled a smirk. "Are you attempting to make a joke?"
"Miserably."
Alec felt cheated. Sitting here, having a beer with his dad like they had a relationship of trust. But Alec was not afforded that luxury.
"Did you ever care?" Alec finally asked.
"I always have."
Alec snorted. "You have an interesting way of showing it."
"I was a coward, Alec."
Alec stiffened. "Mom said that too."
"About me?"
"No, about herself."
Robert nodded. "I put her in a difficult situation."
Alec stared at him, the soft hum of the noises in the bar muted as if Alec and Robert were the only people there.
"That night..."
Alec pursed his lips, bracing himself for the onslaught of emotions that were brimming on the edge.
"Seeing that man on top of you, hurting you, hearing your cries. You were so small...you never had a chance."
"Is that what you say to convince yourself that it wasn't my fault?"
"No, Alec. I never..." He lowered his eyes, like the suds lining the top of his beer were going to give him the words. "I didn't know what to do."
"You were ashamed of me and you wanted to make it all go away," Alec retorted. "And in the process, I believed everything Benedict Manson ever told me."
"I repeated a cycle. A cycle I know my children will break."
Alec frowned. He took another sip of his beer. "I don't understand."
Robert looked up, watching Alec carefully. "My body rejected my first mark."
Alec's eyes widened. He stared openly at his father's runes, littered all over his exposed skin. "That's impossible," he whispered, like it was a hushed secret. A child who rejects the rune needs to have it cut and live as a mundane in order to survive. And that was obviously not the case.
"My parents refused to cut the mark. They rather I were dead than a mundane."
Alec flinched. He was all too aware of the Nephilim's obsession with reputation.
"I almost died in the process."
He knew that it had to be hard to disclose this past. "Why are you telling me this?" Alec asked.
"Because I learned then that my parents' love was not unconditional. Something horrific happened to you and in my concern for our fragile reputation, you suffered in silence all these years and I acted like my parents."
Alec saw the parallel. He gripped the edge of the table with both his hands. "So you admit to being ashamed of me. That you have conditions that I did not meet."
xxxxxx
Robert gulped down some beer, staring at his oldest son intently. "I am only ashamed of my actions, Alexander. And I love you, no matter what."
The teenager shook his head. "Lies."
Robert knew that he deserved it. "Alec..." he started.
"If I were a girl, would you have swept it under the rug? Would you have been more angry than ashamed?"
Robert frowned. He thought about Manson hurting Isabelle and it made his blood boil. It made him feel murderous. But then he thought about his son. About what had happened that night.
The horror. The realization that what he was witnessing was the reason his son had been silent for so long. A grown man doing things to his son he never imagined. He wanted to kill him. The instinct was instantaneous. But he had squashed it. He had let thoughts of his reputation suppress his anger. And that decision had cost him his relationship with his son.
"I wish I had done something different," Robert said, knowing he wasn't answering Alec's pointed questions. "After that night, I had trouble sleeping. I had nightmares. I would watch you whenever I could from a distance."
"Why from a distance?"
"Because I didn't know what to say to you. I still don't. I had done the wrong thing. I failed you." His voice hitched and his fingers twitched. "I couldn't recognize you anymore. Gone was the curious child who wanted to make me proud. Left was a reserved and despondent teenager. And I knew that was my fault."
"I was dealing with almost a year of silently enduring that man's abuse." Alec looked away, watching a couple arguing at the bar. While he had berated his mother for not being able to call it rape, in front of his father he found himself unable to confront it. The feeling of shame seemed to run deeper with his father.
Alec tipped his glass passed his lip, swallowing as much beer as he could in one swig. "I-I don't want to talk about this anymore," he said, wiping the side of his mouth. He took another swig, draining the remaining beer.
Robert nodded his head. "Okay son. Let's just take a cab home." He threw a twenty on the table.
Alec stood up quickly, suddenly feeling suffocated in the small bar.
"Robert, it was surprise seeing you," Stella called out to them as they moved towards the door.
Robert grunted in response. "Nice seeing you too Stella."
Alec wondered about the history his father had with this bar but he was too exhausted to continue a conversation with the man. He focused all this energy on preventing flashbacks from overtaking his mind. He pressed his fingers into his thighs as they sat in the cab, digging his nails in as deeply as possible, trying to focus on that sensation instead of the memories.
xxxxxx
"So, both your parents have attempted to make amends with you?" Magnus summarized.
Alec was lying on his back on a blanket laid out on the rooftop of Magnus's apartment building. It was an unusually warm March night and Magnus had insisted on star gazing, even though the light pollution in New York made it impossible. Magnus was lying on his stomach, his chin resting on Alec's chest.
"Basically," Alec confirmed as he ran his fingers through Magnus's gel-free hair.
"How did you take it?" Magnus asked, his eyes reaching up to watch Alec carefully.
Alec bit his bottom lip. "I did something bad," he whispered. He dragged his eyes away from Magnus, looking up into the dark sky.
Magnus sat up and pushed back some of the younger man's hair.
"What did you do?" Magnus asked. His heart pounded. He knew what Alec was going to say.
Alec's face flushed with shame. "I cut myself." He turned his head to the side and cast his eyes down, long lashes hiding his blue irises.
"Where?"
"My thighs. I've healed them."
Magnus gently cupped Alec's chin and drew his gaze to him. "Do not be ashamed, Alec."
"How can I not? I was doing so well. Aren't you disappointed in me?"
"Alec, I'll never be disappointed in you."
The shadowhunter shook his head, dislodging the grip on his chin. "Disappointment in inevitable. Eventually, everybody disappoints you. I'm no different."
Alec stood up and walked to the edge of the roof, looking out into the city lights illuminating Manhattan. Magnus walked to him. "I'm here," he said before slowly wrapping his arms around him from behind. He pressed his lips into Alec's hair. "When you're happy, when you're sad and when you're disappointed."
The younger man leaned into the embrace. "I know," he whispered. He turned around and kissed Magnus lightly on the lips. "And I want to be here for you too."
He knew he wasn't as open with Alec as Alec was with him. Maybe it was unfair that he had pushed Alec into sharing so much when Magnus did not share his past.
Magnus leaned in, deepening the kiss. "You are," he murmured simply.
A/N: Urgh, not content with this chapter. But hopefully the next one will be better. Let me know what you think of the steps forward (and backward) with his parents. His relationship with them is a work in progress. Next up, an exchange of "I love you"s and more. And I will also address Magnus's lack of openness eventually...which is in tandem with the books. Thank you for sticking with me! Happy Valentine's Day :). I'm actually stuck in an airport right now, so good time to use the wifi to post.