Gluttony
Malcolm Reynolds had never seen so much food about to go to waste in his life. He'd gathered everyone in the galley, and they all stared down upon the inevitable ruin before them. Shepherd looked like he was about to start praying any time now. Wash felt sure there was a law somewhere against all this food just sitting there being wasted. Jayne actually removed his hat as he stared down at the precious food, as if attending a funeral. Simon shook his head in disapproval, looking from the captain to the first mate.
"Would ya mind tellin' me again why I'm starin' down at all this pretty food about t' go to waste, Kaylee?" Mal asked. The mechanic looked like she was about to be sick. Or cry. Maybe both.
"Serenity ain't talkin', Cap'n. Coolant system just... shut down."
"Isn't there anything you bought that wasn't perishable?" Inara asked, swishing in through the door. Mal glared a hole in the table where all the beautiful real food was spread.
"A few back-up protein meals, some grains and whatnot. But, basically, what y'all see before you here is meant t' be stored in a cool, climate-controlled condition. Since we ain't got that," he tried not to glare at Kaylee, "all this food is bound t' go bad sooner rather than later." He picked up one of the small cartons of milk--real milk--with a defeated look in his eye. "Best estimate, most of it'll be worthless in under a day or so. Best-case, Kaylee here fixes the coolant system before that and we end up savin' what we can." He put the milk back on the table with a sour look. "Spent some shiny pennies on this lot, and it's makin' me feel rather violent right now. You got any idea on what you can do with the coolant, Kaylee?"
"Not a smidge, Cap'n," the woman admitted, looking just as defeated as he. "I ain't never seen Serenity this sick, discountin' the time she tried t' set us on fire and freeze us t' death."
"It's good to know someone is always optimistic," Wash grinned, taking an apple in one hand and glancing over at the captain. "So, what are we gonna do while Kaylee tries to fix the system?"
"Start with what'll go fastest," Mal said as he moved around the table, surveying it. "Milk'll go bad in 'bout two hours if the galley stays hot as it is. 'Spose the Shepherd could pick a few things and start on an early supper. Other than that, I need to make sure none a' this goes bad. Rotten food sticks in a ship like this, and she stinks for weeks. I run a respectable ship here--" Inara laughed haughtily, ignored by Mal, "--and I don't want it smellin' like our coolant system shut down and we had to eat all our ruttin' food."
A general pause, and Jayne cocked an eyebrow at the captain.
"But ain't that what happened?"
"Think of that by yourself?" River asked, shooting him an interesting look over her shoulder. He scowled in return, crossing his arms.
"Ribbing aside," Book interjected before anything could get heated as he stepped forward. "I'll get dinner started with what I can use. I suggest everyone take a little something to help." He reached down and picked the apple out of Wash's hand. "Fruit will go last. Other perishables should be taken care of quickly before they spoil." He looked to Mal for confirmation, and he nodded.
Book gathered what he needed from the gathered foodstuffs, helped by Simon. Jayne grabbed one of the milk cartons, glaring about and claiming it as his own by flicking off the lid and chugging down a few good swallows and thumping down into a chair. Kaylee pondered over a the strawberries sitting out, but Shepherd had been adamant on fruits. So she grabbed a few slices of good deli meat and was off into the belly of the ship to see what she could do for her old friend. Wash and Zoe took a few handfuls of what needed freezing and hightailed it to the cockpit to eat what they could in peace. Inara peered down at the offerings questioningly.
"How do we know any of this wasn't past its original shelf-life in the first place?"
"We don't," Jayne said usefully beside her as he reached one of his big paws out and took the rest the meat Kaylee had left and started stuffing it into his mouth. "No tellin' wah's sittn' ou' an' wha's goo' 'n fresh." Inara curled her lip at him, looking rightfully disgusted.
"Mouth closed, Jayne," River instructed, closing his jaw with one of her hands. He stared at her incredulously, and she smirked like she knew exactly what she was doing. He batted her hand lightly away from his jaw, not sure what to make of her.
"Jayne eats how Jayne feels like eatin'." To show this, he reached for the fresh fish that'd just been cleaned and gutted as they'd bought it. River's tiny hand shot out and grabbed it before he could, shoving it in her own mouth. She set an example by chewing silently with her mouth closed tight.
"Proper dining etiquette," she said as she'd finished chewing, sitting down directly beside Jayne. "Salad fork first. Work your way in from the outside. Napkin on the lap. No elbows on the table. Chew with your mouth closed." Something about the look she gave him as the last line left her made something go all strange and fuzzy in his head, and he stopped mid-chew with mouth slightly ajar. Something about that gleam in her eye told him that's exactly the reaction she wanted out of him.
"Mouth closed, Jayne," she said more pointedly, then reached out again to take more perishable food from the table.
This time, however, it was Jayne that thwarted her, his own big hand stealing the second fillet of fish right out from under her hand. He stuffed it quickly into his mouth, cheeks puffing out at the added mass, and chewed purposefully. Mouth closed.
Simon's eyebrows drew down as he watched from the kitchen, watching for any nuance in their eyes as they stared each other down at the table. It only took another moment for the Shepherd to notice that there was no longer any movement from the merc and the girl. Inara backed away, honestly afraid of what might happen. Might they actually explode?
"Oh, it's on, crazy."
"Deal has been struck." The girl stuck out her pinky, divulging nothing on her features. Jayne linked his pinky with hers sharply, and they shook on it. "Dishes."
He shook his head. "Dinner."
"Agreed." They released hands, and Jayne quickly removed his gloves. River stood from the chair, flowing to the other side of the table, seating herself with a flourish. They stared each other down over the pile of fine organic foods, neither one making a move.
"What is going on?" The Shepherd asked impatiently, moving out of the kitchen to stand beside Inara. Jayne and River didn't even look up. Inara leaned her head toward Book confidentially.
"A contest of some sort, I think. There's been a wager set--"
"GO!" River shouted at once, and two sets of hands flashed out to grab whatever they could get a hold on in front of them. Jayne stuffed what he could in his mouth, then prepared both hands with replacements once he was able to swallow. River copied him, shoving a whole peach between her teeth and grabbing at whatever else she could fit her fingers around. She held uncracked walnuts between each finger of one hand. Book winced, about to step forward.
"Not the fruit--"
Surprisingly, it was Simon that stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "Wait a moment. This is simultaneously disgusting and fascinating."
Inara shied away even further, pressing against Simon's side in attempts to move as far away from the grotesque sight of Jayne stuffing his face. "Oh, it's revolting!"
Jayne wasn't paying any attention to any of them. He was glancing between the food and the girl across the way, whose gaze never faltered. She effortlessly matched him in stride without ever looking away from his eyes. It was unnerving and a little bit of a turn on at the same time. At his thoughts, she grinned widely and continued to eat.
It was an odd dance, but the three watchers somehow couldn't turn away. After a scary minute of watching in silence, Wash and Zoe appeared to see what was making all of the unsightly noise in the galley. Wash reeled backward in terror at the sight of Jayne tearing into a side of ham and seeming to stare right through the girl across from him. Zoe turned questioningly to Inara.
"What exactly's goin' on here, Inara?"
"Well," Inara still looked disgusted, but in a can't-look-away-from-a-space-wreck kind of way. "I think River and Jayne challenged each other to... an eat-off."
"Oh, she's gonna beat him," Wash said quickly. All sets of watching eyes were upon him for a moment, and he started at the sudden attention. "What?" He gestured at the eaters. "Look at that girl! She's an eating machine! She has to have... compartments or something, the way she's packing it away!"
"This can't have been something the Academy..." Simon looked baffled and horrified and yet somehow completely enthralled in the exchange, like it was something for him to put under a microscope and scrutinize. He mussed his hair slightly in thought, one eyebrow pulling down and the other raising with a widening eye in mixed horror and amazement.
"Look at her go," Kaylee murmured as she appeared in the doorway, holding the toolbox. Simon glanced at her, then back to Jayne and River.
The two had continued scarfing as much as seemed possible, whittling the pile down to nearly nothing. While Jayne's side of the table seemed a site of complete destruction, River's side was somehow almost immaculately clean. She dug her hand into the last bag of nuts, all unshelled thankfully, and stuffed them into her mouth. Jayne growled around the last of the slab of ham and matched her by ripping into one of the apples. Intensity was written across both faces, and suddenly Simon became worried.
Both hands shot out for the same bowl of strawberries. Kaylee gasped, throwing hands to her lips. Jayne gripped one edge of the bowl, while River held fast to the opposite edge. They stared each other down, neither one budging. Finally, River gave a jerk to bring it closer to her.
"Saw it first."
"I got my paws on it first," Jayne objected, tugging it back in his direction.
She frowned, jerking it to her. Jayne tugged it back to him. They struggled with the bowl of strawberries, Kaylee following its every move with a look of shocked terror in her pretty eyes. River finally stood, trying to get a better grip on the bowl. When Jayne stood to match her, the chair fell clattering to the ground under him.
"Get your own strawberries!" River demanded. "Mine! Saw them first!"
"Ain't your gorram strawberries!" He countered. This time, he tugged the bowl so hard, it brought River flying up onto the table, scattering what they hadn't yet eaten. Simon started, looking ready to punch Jayne right in the face. Inara gasped and instinctively grabbed hold of Simon's shoulder. River sat on her knees on the table, glaring forward at Jayne and trying to regain control on the strawberries.
Then, both of them simultaneously realized that they'd somehow managed to end up literally an inch from one another. The anger held in their eyes only momentarily, as they remembered it was only superficial, and it melted right off of the both of them. The strawberry bowl dropped to the table with a clatter, but didn't break. It took all of Kaylee's strength not to leap forward and rescue the fruit. Jayne and River continued their stare down for entirely too long, neither moving or even blinking.
Wash honestly thought Jayne was going to sweep away the rest of the food and just have his way with her right there on the table.
Then, River gave a pained expression and clutched her stomach. She sat back on the table, falling away from Jayne and groaned slightly. Jayne's face was still unreadable, and he felt like he couldn't move. Simon rushed in, breaking the moment, to bring his sister down from the table. Activity around them suddenly resumed as everyone rushed to River's side. They moved around him, an astonished island in the middle of a quickly-moving river, as they swarmed around her.
He sat heavily, thinking his chair was still underneath him. He tumbled to the floor with a crash, thumping his head hard on the table in front of him. Everyone jumped at the noise, and Zoe was there in place of the doctor.
"Sweet flyin' gorram!" Jayne cursed and grumbled as Zoe helped him to his feet. He held one big hand flat against his head, wincing and wobbling. River looked up at him, practically doubled over in stomach pangs. Despite their individual concerns, both managed a short little smile for the other, then went back to groaning and complaining as if nothing had happened.
River was shifted to her room, so close to the infirmary, where Simon tucked her in and left a pan beside the bed should she decide to vomit somewhere besides his bed. The doctor then checked on Jayne's non-serious albeit hilarious head wound and gave him a small painkiller. The merc grumbled as he dry-swallowed the little pills. He waited a moment, until Simon's back was turned, to try to nonchalantly toss off a question. He was none too good at it.
"So, uh... How's your sister? Still complainin' 'cause I won?"
Simon glanced over his shoulder at the man, sneering just slightly in his polite Simon way.
"I consider this completely your fault," Simon said as he headed for the door. Jayne just had to defend himself.
"She's the one lookin' at me all moonbrained."
"She's just a girl," he said at last, turning to Jayne with an exasperated look about him. "She's smart, she's a little bit crazy, and she's still just a girl, Jayne. She's not the captain. She can't go around having--" A frustrated note entered his voice, "--eating contests with someone whose capacity clearly outweighs her own."
"You callin' me fat?"
"I'm saying don't." He didn't know why, but Simon felt he had to make a stand. "The next time you get one of your crazy Jayne-ideas, leave my sister out of it."
A smirk pulled Jayne's lips up, and he cross his arms casually. "Right. No more crazy Jayne-ideas for your crazy little sister."
Simon wasn't sure whether he was agreeing or not, and looked confused for another short moment before he wordlessly walked out of the infirmary. Jayne laughed silently at his retreating back, and stood not long after he'd gone. He gapped and stretched, his head feeling a might dizzy after that hit. Once out of the infirmary, Jayne glanced up the stairs to make sure no one was coming or going, then listened intently in the other passenger rooms. Nothing.
He approached the closed sliding doors, considered knocking, then just stood right outside. "Y' hear all that, ni zi?" He asked lowly.
The answer came just as low. She seemed to have crossed the room to the door, standing directly on the other side.
"Jayne is not fat," she offered quietly. He could feel her smile. "Fluffy."
"Am not," he growled back. "Jayne's tough. Anyone hears you callin' me fluffy, s'gonna look bad, y'know?"
"Worse than wanting to take her right there on the table?"
He couldn't answer. She'd shocked him silent. He opened his mouth a few times, found nothing, then closed it again bewilderedly.
"Y'know I... Y'see, the... Huh." He decided dropping the subject would be best. "You feelin' alright?"
"Better. Expelled what hurt. Looked better going down."
"Aw, hell," he grumbled, feeling exceptionally guilty. "I'll take your gorram turn at dinner."
"But Jayne won. Fair and square. Couldn't finish..."
"I couldn't finish neither," he said squarely before she could argue. "We're both full up t' our gorram eyeballs, and I said I'm gonna take your turn. Y' gonna argue?"
She paused, beautifully. "No."
"Good." He held a hand to the nasty bump on his head, then tapped his teeth in thought. Then, leaning closer to the closed door in a miniscule voice, he told her, "I woulda let ya have them strawberries."
He was gone up the stairs before River opened up the sliding door to go to him.
Jayne surprised everyone by showing back up in the galley and picking up after himself and River. He piled what food was left in the kitchen area as he wiped down the table, finishing off a half-eaten apple from her side. Book was finally done with dinner, and he stood in questioning amazement as the merc went about tossing things out and actually using a rag now and again. He plunked the apple core in with the rest of the trash, wiping his hands and looking satisfied. With that done, he scooped up the bowl of strawberries and lowered it down to Kaylee in the middle of maintenance. She squealed and hugged him and thanked him in two different languages before she and the strawberries disappeared.
"You broke him," Mal's voice suddenly came from nearby. Book looked up, as did Jayne and Wash, who had appeared at the smell of dinner. Mal looked from Wash to Book then back to Jayne. "You broke my ruttin' mercenary."
"I ain't broke," Jayne grumbled as he levered himself past Mal and sat at the table.
"Look at that! Did you see that?" Mal pointed Jayne out to Inara as she appeared. "This man was helpful! Preacher, better check t' see if that hell a' yours is frozen over, Jayne Cobb was helpful!"
"Want me to 'batten down the hatches'?" Inara offered sarcastically as she walked right by Mal.
"Your sarcasm is noted and appreciated, 'Nara," Mal said calmly, then went back to pointing and exclaiming at Jayne.
The merc ignored him and stood up, making up an excuse to say he weren't hungry--which, by all means, he wasn't. He disappeared into his bunk, lying all still and trying to ignore what his stomach was screaming at him. Had he stayed in the galley for just one more minute, he would have laughed right out loud when Malcolm Reynolds shouted, "Where'd all my ruttin' food go?!"