My heart was broken. Her blood was stained on my hands. My clothes were ruined. You could even see the ring where her blood has set in the tub. We didn't use that bathroom anymore. It was too painful. I didn't even sleep in my room. I slept on the couch. Bobby didn't talk much. Somewhere deep inside he blamed him for all of this. For asking her to stay and help me. But I knew it was my fault. I should have quit when I did. I messed up. I hurt her again. I could already see the bruise on her throat when we took her to the hospital. It killed me when they asked if she tried to hang herself too. I had nightmares about it. When I closed my eyes I saw her laying in the tub covered in her blood. Her empty cold eyes haunted me. Her last words echoed in my head. 'It's no different from what you do to yourself.' It played in my head over and over again. I felt like I let her down. I ruined her.
We drove to the hospital. Barley making it there in one piece as Bobby almost crashed three times. Angel ran into the ER to get a nurse as I got out the car. I ran in behind him and they had a stretcher ready. I laid her down and they pushed me away. Bobby parked the car and came back a few minutes later. We sat in the waiting room and called Jerry. He was there in record time. We sat there for about 10 minutes until a doctor came out. He said he had no news but he needed her information.
"Her name?" he asked.
"Carli Noelle James." I answered.
"Date of birth?"
"November 17, 1984."
"Any allergies that you know of?"
"Just seasonal and aspirin."
"Any family we can call, blood family?"
"No. Her mom passed about a year ago. We're all she's got."
"Who is she closest too? Or who would want to make the decisions if complications should arise?" I paled at this question.
"Me." I answered sadly.
"And your name?"
"Jack Mercer. September 3, 1984."
"Thank you. Now what is your relationship? Just friends?" I looked at the ground and sighed.
"A little more."
"Jack, why would she try to kill herself?" he asked seriously.
"I...We had a fight. I left and came back and she was in the tub. It's my fault." I whispered. He shook his head and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"How long has she been hurting herself?" he asked. I looked at him confused.
"How long? What do you mean?"
"We found other scars on her wrist. Tells us she's been hurting herself for a while. They were not deep so it tells us she was not suicidal, just looking to inflict pain and control it. I'm thinking that she didn't mean for this to happen. At least, I hope she didn't."
"Me too." He thanked me and left. I sat there with my head in my hands. I could hear the constant bustle of the ER around me. I heard Bobby and Angel shifting in the seats. I heard Jerry answering his phone every five minutes when Camille called. I heard babies crying and people coughing. But even with all the noise It felt like I was alone. Surrounded by nothing but white walls. I remembered praying at one point. I asked Him to let her live. He let me live, why take her? She's done nothing wrong. I'm the screw up. The only reason He had to take her from me was to teach me a lesson and I swore to Him that I had already learned it. He didn't have to go that far. I lifted my head and looked around for the bathroom. I spotted it in the far corner and walked over to it. I walked in and stood in front of the mirror. Tears fell from my eyes as I saw my reflection. My hands were covered in blood. My white shirt was a crimson red. I had blood on my face, my neck and my arms. I could have swore there was more blood on me now than there was when I was shot. Her blood. It was all over me.
I fell to my knees and sobbed. A moment later I heard someone walk in and I felt arms wrap around me. The arms hugged me tight and I sobbed into the person's shoulder. I felt another pair of arms go around me and I looked up to see Bobby and Jerry holding me and Angel getting paper towels to clean me up.
"It'll be okay, Jackie. She'll be okay. We're going to fix this, alright?" Bobby said softly. I stared off as they took the towels and wiped my hands and face off. Bobby took off his sweatshirt and undershirt. He handed me the undershirt and told me to change. I took of my blood soaked shirt and threw it away. I pulled the other shirt on and looked at myself one last time. I closed my eyes and prayed that Bobby was right. She had to be okay.
I still remembered the feel of her blood on my hands. I found myself washing them more often. Some days I scrubbed them until they were raw. I just wanted to get it off. I now sat in my room for the first time since that night. It was eery without her. Everything seemed so cold and empty. It wasn't the same. I looked around and saw her night clothes in the same spot she left them. I walked over and picked up her shirt. I held it to my faced and breathed in. I missed that smell. Her. She smelled like...Honey. Honey, all the time. She never got into the whole fruity or flowery perfumes. She preferred the nice and not so strong smells. That's one of the many things I loved about her. Loved. It sounded so cruel. So...dead. I dropped her shirt and folded it on the bed. I laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I reached over to grab the pillow when I felt something under it. It was her song book. I opened and skimmed through. Some were old songs and some were new. I flipped to the last page and saw it dated from yesterday. It was called Mouth Shut. I leaned back and read it.
I kept my mouth shut from the start
I guess I left you in the dark
You thought you knew me but you don't
You say you'll love me but you wont
When you find out who I am
I kept my mouth shut for too long
All this time you got me wrong
Now we're in this way too far
I'm about to break your heart
Tear everything we had apart
'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become
Won't keep my mouth shut anymore
I've had my share of closing doors
Now I know I'm not afraid
I know exactly what you'll say
But I'm sorry it's too late
'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(I kept inside of me for all this time)
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(Thought that I could make it work if I just tried)
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(But I'm sorry to admit that I have lived a lie)
'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become
I kept my mouth shut for too long
Now I know that it was wrong
I wish I told you from the start
That this was never meant to last
We should've never gone this far
Won't keep my mouth shut anymore
I flipped it closed and thought about the song and what the doctor had said. I wondered how long it had been going on? I wonder if she was going to tell me? I confessed to her. Maybe she needed time like I did. I put the book on the dresser and sat back up. I placed my head in my hands again and remembered back to that day.
I sat back down in the waiting room and looked around. There was about 10 people not including me and my brothers. They were pretty slow now. Nurses were trying to calm a lady down. Her baby was running a temperature and she was freaking out. A man and his wife were in a minor accident and were being checked out. I shook my head and the old man refused to be looked at until the lady and her baby were seen. I leaned back into the chair and waited. Half an hour passed and we were still waiting. Jerry had gone home to Camille. Angel was asleep in the corner and Bobby was playing a hand held video game. I closed my eyes and took a short cat nap. I woke up to my stomach growling. I stood up and walked to the vending machine.
"Hello, son." an old man said. I looked at him and nodded. "Are you sick?"
"No." I answered simply.
"Oh ok." he replied. "Well, why are you here?"
"A friend of mine is hurt, badly." I sighed and put in my coins.
"Do you love her?" he asked. I looked at him surprised.
"How do you know it's a her?"
"I see it in your eyes. I also see that you're blaming yourself."
"How do you know that?" I asked and grabbed my bag of chips.
"Because I see in your eyes what I felt the day I lost my wife. I was drunk and decided to drive. We crashed and she died." he said shakily.
"Do you still blame yourself?" I asked softly.
"No. I realized she wouldn't have blamed me." he said. I looked down and sighed. "Just love her with all you have. Whether she makes it or not. Love her with all that is you. That's the least you can give her if you blame yourself." he said walking away. I watched him go and walked back to my seat. I opened my bag of chips and took a bite. I was so hungry but it made me sick. I couldn't eat. I laid them next to me and closed me eyes again. I was awoken about 20 minutes later. Bobby and Angel were talking to the doctor. I saw him shake his head and Bobby slide down the wall holding his head. Angel covered his face. The doctor looked straight at me and gave me a sad smile as I walked over. I felt tears prick my eyes as I got closer. I knew this was going to be bad...
I looked at my clock and sighed. I had to get dressed. I stood up and crossed my room to the closet. I pull out a pair of black pants and a white button up shirt. I slowly got dressed and put my shoes on. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. I did not want to do this. I hated it. This was the last place I wanted to be. I felt my chest tighten as I thought about it. I ran my hand through my hair and tried to tame it. It wasn't happening. I looked at the clock one last time and dropped my head. I could hear Bobby's footsteps walking up the stairs. I heard him pause before he knocked.
"Come in." I called to him. He cracked the door and peeked in. He leaned against the frame and looked at me.
"You ready?" he asked softly. I looked at myself in the mirror one last time and sighed.
"No. I can't do this Bobby." I told him softly. He walked over and patted my back.
"Do it for Carli, Jack. Do it for her." I nodded and we walked downstairs where Angel and Jerry were. I looked at us all partially dressed up. We walked outside to the car.
"Why do I feel like I'm going to a funeral?" I asked as we drove off.
"Because you are, Jack." bobby replied looking at me in the rearview mirror. I nodded and looked out the window.
Song: Mouth shut by The Veronicas