Note: Thanks to all for reading, alerting, favoriting and reviewing. I'm pleased to hear aspects of the story resonate with you. And thanks to my always awesome beta, MioneAlterEgo, she amazes, as I've come to expect. This one might hurt a little. Thanks for reading, and reviewing if you do.
She'd fainted the first time she'd seen Jack.
A freshman at American University in Washington, D.C., she'd been at the Student Union checking out the combination Career Fair and Blood Drive. It had been September of 2000, and she'd been eighteen years old.
And one minute she'd been finishing off some juice after giving blood and she'd caught the familiar colors of khaki and green from the corner of the eye, the flash something that immediately reminded her of times when she'd opened her father's closet when he'd been away on missions, running her hands over his uniforms as she missed him and wished he was home. She'd stood up and taken two steps, and the next minute she'd found herself staring up into the concerned face of a Marine, her ears ringing and the unpleasant sensation of having lost time washing over her.
"No, no, don't move. Just take a second."
The voice had been calm and comforting, and came from the man leaning over her. He looked a few years older than her with dark hair buzzed short, brown eyes hooded by thick eyebrows, and he wore the unmistakable green and khaki of a Marine service uniform. He was clean-shaven, and leaning over her, seemed tall and dense with muscle. She watched his lips move as he spoke and she was momentarily distracted by sharp jaw and his concerned smile. Her stomach fluttered and she wondered if it were because she'd fainted or if the closeness of the Marine caused it.
Thinking he'd asked her if she was alright, Kensi nodded weakly, having quickly realized what a bad plan it had been to try and sit up when lifting her head even a few inches caused her vision to swim. She closed her eyes for a second, and then they flew open again when she felt the press of warm fingers just below her chin, checking her pulse.
"Sorry, I was just worried for a second there when you closed your eyes."
Knowing she would have flushed bright red if she'd any blood left to rush to her head, Kensi merely managed a small smile. The world was coming back to her slowly, sounds that had seemed muffled and far away sharpening. She swiveled her eyes around to see that a small crowd had gathered around her, though the only person attending her had been the Marine with attentive eyes.
"Who are you?" Kensi blurted out, her curiosity getting the better of her. She could tell his rank from his uniform insignia but she hadn't remembered seeing a Marine near the Blood Drive when she'd arrived. "Lance Corporal…?"
The man's eyes flashed with surprise but appreciation, his grin confident. Kensi wasn't sure if it was left over from giving blood, but she felt light headed as her heart sped up a little in response.
"Jack Salvay. I'm here for the Career Fair, at the Marine Corps recruitment booth," Jack replied, gesturing over towards the booths erected around the Student Union, advertising and promoting a variety of potential career paths. "I saw you get up to leave and you went down pretty hard. I was worried because you seemed out of it for a few minutes."
Kensi blinked slowly in surprise, not accustomed to the kind of concern Jack seemed to have for her, a complete stranger. It didn't feel like the simple concern of a stranger. It felt like he'd seen her specifically, that she'd caught his eye. She'd spent the years since her father's death closing herself off from most people. Even the supportive love of the Keppingers, and specifically Diane, was something she didn't put a lot of permanence on.
Jack's words were suspicious words. Or at least, they were the kind of words that would normally make her suspicious. But as she studied his face, the worried knit of his brow, his eyes fixed on her, a gentle smile on a strong face, she could tell her was genuinely concerned.
"I think I'd like to sit up," Kensi mumbled. Jack moved quickly, dropping to his knees next to her, and putting an arm under her shoulders. He was strong, lifting her easily into a sitting position. Kensi steadied her weight against him, felt his chest against her back, and reached out without realizing it to grab his hand.
"It's okay, I've got you," Jack whispered, his voice warm and comforting in her ear, his large hand squeezing hers tight.
Kensi nodded, and after a few more minutes, Jack eased himself from behind her, letting her sit up on her own and rocking back on his heels to stand in front of her. But he kept her hand in his, and reached forward to take her other hand, giving her a gentle tug.
"You feel up to standing?"
Kensi lifted her chin, feeling the stubborn urge to not appear like the helpless girl who had fainted over a little blood loss. Jack lifted and pulled her as she lunged forward, giving her a more help than she was willing to admit. But then she was on her feet, and her momentum took her a little further until she fell against Jack, her hands going to his shoulders to steady herself, his arm circling her waist and pulling her close.
Her eyes locked with his and her breath caught. Jack looked similarly stunned and it took him an extra few seconds, telltale time that told her he wasn't as steady as he appeared, for him to put a little space between them. With shy pleasure, Kensi realized he still hadn't let go of her hand.
"So, you know your military insignia and ranks," Jack replied, clearly searching for something to say to her.
"My dad was a Marine," Kensi admitted softly.
"'Was?'" Jack replied, somehow latching on to the one thing that defined her more than anything else.
"He's gone," Kensi replied, the loss from almost three years earlier still feeling as if it were yesterday. She looked at Jack, waiting for him to ask why, waiting for him to try and say something to make her feel better.
Jack's dark eyes softened as he looked at her and he reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.
"You know, people say it just takes time and you get over loss," Jack said thoughtfully, his finger burning a path over the shell of her ear before dropping to squeeze her hand in his. "I think that's total bullshit."
Unable to help herself, Kensi laughed, the watery sound betraying how close she was to tears. Instead of pushing her to talk or trying to minimize what she was feeling, he'd made her laugh. There'd been truth in what he said, about the meaningless platitudes people would say as a way to dismiss her loss, or at the very least, move on from it because talking about it made them uncomfortable.
Smiling tentatively at Jack, Kensi could tell her visible heartbreak, something she projected in the slump of her shoulders and the rarity of her smile, didn't make him want to back away from her like it did so many other people. Instead, he just nodded slowly, understanding eyes searching hers. It left her feeling unsettled, and wanting to fill in the silent space. "Thank you, for coming to help me."
Jack shrugged easily, as if to say it was nothing. And he didn't push her about her father. It left Kensi feeling as if she wanted to tell him more. And that was leaps and bounds further than she'd made it with the therapist Diane had taken her to every week for the last year. She'd already told Jack more in less than five minutes.
"So you know my name, but I don't know yours," Jack stated, the question implied.
"I'm Kensi. Kensi Blye."
Jack smiled then, a friendly, confident grin that lit up his face.
"Well, Kensi Blye, I probably have to get back to my post before my CO yells at me. But I don't really want to let you go until I'm sure you're alright so I need an excuse to keep talking to you. Perhaps I can interest you in a career with the Marine Corps?"
Kensi burst out laughing then, charmed at the way Jack could lighten a moment, amazed at his ability to read her, and more than a little flattered that he wanted to keep talking to her. He smiled in response, his eyes full of unveiled interest.
It was hard to reconcile that man to the man in front of her now.
"My handler got your message to me. I arrived at your top secret Boat Shed as requested and I didn't argue when your men blindfolded me to come here," Jack replied, gesturing impatiently to Liam and David. "So why doesn't somebody tell me why NCIS is messing up a CIA operation five years in the making?"
The irritation was obvious in Jack's voice as he spoke to Hetty, but included the entire team in his recrimination. Kensi watched Jack, looked for a hint of the patient and good-natured man she'd known. But there was a hard edge to him now. He didn't even seem to be carrying the weight of the pain he'd suffered after returning from war. That left Kensi wondering who the man in front of her really was now. And what had changed him.
There'd been that flash of recognition on the yacht, when Kensi had been certain Jack realized who she was, and that she was undercover. And he hadn't given her away, which was the thought that had gotten her past wondering if he was mixed up in something bad. The man she'd known would never put her in danger. She'd been counting on him still being in there somewhere.
"You've been undercover with the CIA for five years?" Kensi asked with surprise. Jack nodded curtly.
"I've been with the Agency for ten years and five years undercover as Nicholas Donovan, trying to infiltrate the Kovalev family and determine what their long term goals are. The CIA thinks they're willing to steal and sell military grade weapons and secrets to whoever will buy them. Peter Kovalev finally trusted me to follow through on this deal. I thought I had a lead on a theft of military intelligence," Jack replied. "But then I walk in the yacht and you're there. I knew something wasn't right then. No way you'd be involved in selling military secrets."
Jack's voice had softened and his eyes had stayed fixed on Kensi. She resisted the urge to fidget under his knowing gaze. It felt like a quiet, intimate conversation between just the two of them, but with her whole team watching and wondering there was a fog of discomfort. It felt like the Jack she'd known was talking to her again.
Kensi knew what Jack was alluding to. He knew her love and loyalty to her father and the Marine Corps he'd loved. Jack had been there not long after she'd lost her father and he'd seen her at one of the most vulnerable points of her life. Even with twenty years past, they still had that history and there was no way to deny that.
Kensi felt the awkwardness of being the center of attention, annoyed that she felt the focus of her junior agents, watching the back and forth with curious, shifting eyes. And Deeks' hand, which had been curled possessively curled around her hip, had fallen unobtrusively to her back while he shifted so he wasn't standing quite as close to her. She wasn't sure if she was grateful that he was giving her a little space or angry that he was.
"Peter Kovalev is not a patient man. He's going to want results. And he's going to want authentication of the secrets Ensign Hale was offering to sell, or the last five years of my life will have been wasted," Jack continued, his dark eyes flashing as he shifted his gaze to Hetty. "This better not be some smokescreen by the Navy. I need that encryption key to be real so Kovalev will act on it."
"How do we know you're not being played by the Kovalev family?" Cody asked bluntly. Kensi's mouth dropped open, the unmistakable accusation in her partner's voice aimed squarely at Jack.
"Cody—"
"No, I want him to answer. He's been undercover for five years and it's taken these guys that long to trust him to broker a deal? He gets his first shot and it crosses with an NCIS investigation? It sounds like someone is being set up to me," Cody replied, his eyes dark as he crossed his arms over his chest. The hard lines of his face softened as he looked at Kensi. "And I don't want you anywhere near that."
"Cody." Deeks' low voice captured Cody's attention and drew Kensi's eyes to her husband. "Let Kensi handle it. She knows what she's doing."
Kensi felt the wave of gratitude for Deeks even as she read in his eyes the wariness he felt despite his confident words. But that gratitude was replaced with unease when she practically saw Deeks' eyes turn impassive as he looked past her, his focus turning to Jack. There was definitely more underneath the surface that Deeks wasn't showing her. And closing himself off, keeping himself in check from her, was something he hadn't done in years.
"I'm not being played by Kovalev. I'm as close as I've ever been to getting proof that Peter Kovalev is selling weaponry to enemies of the United States," Jack said sharply. His eyes swept the team in turn, coming to rest on Kensi. "I don't know any of you, except Kensi. How do I know you won't mess this up?"
"Just hold on one damn second—"
Kensi held up her hand, cutting Cody off. She'd felt her blood beginning to boil at Jack's words, even as she'd immediately recognized the tactic for what it was. A flimsy attempt to unsettle them, and get a rise out of her team. Jack was testing them, testing her, trying to see how they reacted. It was a kind of mind game, and it was an underhanded tactic she never would have thought Jack would use.
"Let's all settle down," Kensi said, addressing her whole team, while her gaze lingered longer on Cody. His lips were pressed in a fine line but he stayed silent, Rachel's hand on his arm reining him in just as much as Kensi's order.
Kensi returned her attention to Jack, keeping her voice measured even as she fought the tide of emotions washing over her. The questions from twenty years ago pounded away at the back of her mind, as well as the indignation that he'd questioned the professionalism and skill of her team.
"The encryption key we have is real. Ensign Lisa Hale was genuinely willing to sell it to John Smith. We intercepted her before she could do so and decided to see where the deal would take us. Cutting off one traitorous sailor is solving a symptom, but we're more interested in the bigger cancer that people like Peter Kovalev represent."
Kensi gestured to her team. "As for who we are and whether or not we'll mess things up, I can assure you we won't. I have two former Marines, one of whom was Special Forces, as well as a former NYPD officer. Cody Keppinger, David Westin, and Liam Murphy are exceptional at what they do. And I trust them with my life."
The subtle unease in the air dissipated with Kensi's strong words. Cody, David, and Liam didn't need to speak after she'd backed them up. And Kensi knew her words meant something. To them, and to Jack. They meant she trusted them and they had her confidence. And even with the CIA posturing, Jack seemed to accept her admission.
"So we're all interested in the same goal," Jack replied. "But the CIA has been on this longer, so I'd appreciate your not getting in the way."
"You know, I wouldn't mind hearing why the CIA is operating an undercover mission on U.S. soil. Isn't that a bit out of your jurisdiction?" Deeks asked coolly, leveling his eyes on Jack.
Crossing his arms over his chest, Jack cocked his head to the side. "And who are you, exactly?"
Unperturbed by the challenge in Jack's tone, Deeks replied confidently. "Marty Deeks, concerned citizen. And former NCIS agent and LAPD detective."
She'd heard it, the urge Deeks felt to add Kensi's husband, life partner, and soul mate to his list. And she saw the recognition in Jack's eyes as he looked from Deeks to her. Somehow he knew. He knew that she and Deeks were together. But the way he tucked that knowledge away, didn't let anyone else see that it registered, tugged at her. She could still read him, though not completely. He couldn't hide all his thoughts and emotions, and the ones she saw left her questioning and wanting answers.
"The CIA's jurisdiction isn't up for debate from concerned citizens," Jack said shortly. "Are we done debating this? If we have to work together I'd rather spend time figuring out the next step in the plan."
Kensi felt her temper flare at Jack's dismissive words towards Deeks, even as she had to agree they needed to discuss the operation rather than dwell on the personal issues and history that seemed to linger in the air around them. She had to be an agent now, as much as she hated nodding and agreeing with Jack. And as much as she hated seeing Deeks' eyes turn pale blue with annoyance at her clear unwillingness to argue with Jack.
"Let's take five minutes, and then meet upstairs in Operations," Kensi suggested.
"I need to check in with my handler," Jack replied.
Kensi turned to Eric. "Can you help him with a secure connection?"
Quickly nodding, Eric led Jack upstairs, with Nell following close behind. With Jack gone, Kensi turned back to her team, keeping in the sigh she felt and wished she could allow to escape. Cody positively fumed while David looked concerned and Liam followed Jack upstairs with watchful eyes, tracking without blinking until the man was out of sight. Kensi couldn't allow her attention to shift to Deeks. She knew whatever emotions were playing across his face would distract her. She hadn't been prepared for Jack, for her past to reel up so quickly. And she wasn't prepared to deal with the repercussions facing her right then. She could only focus on the mission.
"Are we actually going to listen to that guy?" Cody demanded.
"It was the CIA's mission first. And if we work together we can probably resolve the case faster," Kensi replied evenly.
"Let's see what he has to say. He probably knows the inside of the Kovalev family's organization pretty well considering he's been undercover for five years," David replied helpfully, his willingness to see all sides something Kensi appreciated in that moment.
"I still don't like him," Liam announced. David gave his partner's shoulder a shove.
"You don't like anybody. So that isn't exactly new and different."
David's quip broke the tension in the team. Kensi smiled as she saw Liam grin and shove David back in return. Her younger agents were an odd sort of match, but moments like these, when the easy teasing showed how well they got each other, were evidence of how they made sense as partners. And Cody shook his head in amusement, turning to Kensi and pulling her aside as Liam and David traded good-natured insults, his brown eyes concerned.
"Are you going to be okay with this?" Cody asked quietly. Kensi straightened, the reaction defensive and something she couldn't even attempt to control. She felt the urge to dismiss any perception of her inability to deal with the emotional fallout of Jack appearing might bring her.
"Of course I'm okay. This isn't going to be a problem," Kensi replied. Cody nodded, taking her on her word even as he looked uncertain. When he turned away, she was almost irrationally disappointed. Cody knew her well, but he wasn't always willing to push her when she resisted. Unlike her old partner.
"You're not fooling everyone, you know."
Kensi felt the uncertainty and irritation wash over her when Deeks spoke from just behind her, his voice laced with fifteen years of knowing her, and stubborn in his focus as he refused to let her hide. And she hated her immediate reaction, which was to do exactly that. Hide from Deeks' understanding of her, hide from the tumult of feelings seeing Jack again brought up. Hide from what she hated she wanted to know from Jack.
Who she'd been when she was with Jack was world's apart from who she was now with Deeks. They were pieces of herself that were oddly at war, the battle suddenly facing her even as she wanted to ignore it.
"I can handle it," Kensi said shortly.
"I'm not saying you can't. But I don't think you should ignore that this is affecting you. And it's going to continue to affect you."
Kensi ignored the clear implication Deeks was making that it was Jack who was affecting her. She didn't want to admit to that kind of weakness, to admit that a man she'd once loved could still affect her twenty years later.
"It's not affecting the mission. That's what's important here."
"You know as well as I do that there are times when you and the mission can't be separated," Deeks said softly, resting a hand on her shoulder. "You know I'm always in your corner, but you need to be careful. This isn't a simple mission anymore. Talk to me, Kensi."
Kensi barely resisted the urge to shake loose Deeks' touch. She knew his compassion and understanding were hard for him, especially when faced with the man from her past who he knew had hurt her in a myriad of ways. And it was an old instinct, to want to protect herself and her past. But she'd never fully closed the door on the young woman she'd been when she was with Jack. Not as long as Jack was still out there. There were still injuries she'd long ignored. But she felt them flaring up now. Just as she felt the urge to hide the old emotions of hurt, shame, and helplessness.
"I know you mean well. But I can't get into this right now. I have a history with Jack. But that's what it is. History."
"Kensi, you know you can talk to me—"
"I'm not going to discuss this," Kensi replied pointedly, even as Deeks' gentle voice tried to persuade her, tried to draw her in. She ignored the urge to walk into his arms, to cry out her confusion and conflicting emotions on his shoulder. She couldn't be distracted and she had to be stronger than that. "You should go home. We have to debrief and figure out what happens from here forward."
Deeks took a step back, his hand dropping from her shoulder as her dismissal registered. "Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you. That man isn't the man you knew twenty years ago. Don't let wanting him to be that guy cloud your judgment."
Kensi watched him go, feeling regret and anger swirl in the pit of her stomach. She badly wanted to chase after him, wanted to voice her fears. And she wanted to shout at him, to ask what he'd really meant. It stung a little that Deeks might have thought she wanted Jack to be the man she'd known and loved two decades before. If there was one person who she'd thought could see her fears and not judge her, it was Deeks. Or so she'd thought. He'd warned her about not letting her judgment be affected. He wouldn't do that if he thought she could remain rational about Jack.
It left Kensi unsettled and second guessing what she thought she knew. Deeks' warning echoed in her head and she glanced again at the exit to the courtyard, knowing Deeks was long gone. She had to be focused. They had a mission to accomplish. And right now she couldn't be distracted by the fact that Jack was upstairs and he held answers to her past that she'd been wondering for twenty years. Even knowing he could provide those answers, she didn't know if she was strong enough to ask the questions.
Instead of thinking about those questions, she tried to clear her mind and focus on the mission. She called her team to follow her upstairs. Liam lingered behind the others, his serious eyes leveled on her.
"I know what it's like to have a past that makes you wonder how you got to who you are today. To have decisions you regret and question."
"Liam—"
"I'm not saying I know how to reconcile who you may have been with who you are now. But I know not confronting who I've been and decisions I've made hasn't always helped me. But it does help to talk to someone you trust," Liam replied quietly, the heartfelt omission surprising Kensi to silence. He didn't have to say what he implied. Kensi knew Liam had secrets he carried, secrets he kept very close. But clearly he'd found some relief in sharing those secrets with Hailey.
Sensing pushing him further would only cause him to withdraw, Kensi merely nodded. She knew it had taken a lot for Liam to say even those vague words to her and even as she wondered if she could really confess all her fears to Deeks, she took Liam's intentions for what they'd tried to be, good and concerned for her.
She would try and talk to Deeks later, at least try and explain her uncertainties. She wasn't sure she could really explain how the specter of her past self haunted her still. And would continue to haunt her as long as long as she didn't have answers from Jack.
Entering Operations, Kensi held her head high, turning to her team and pleased to see they stood at attention and were ready to discuss the case. Hetty stepped to the front, gesturing to Jack.
"We have an agreement to support Agent Salvay's mission to entrap the Kovalev family in their criminal dealings. Our assistance will be in Agent Deeks, undercover as Ensign Lisa Hale, providing the satellite encryption key, and Agent Salvay, as Nicholas Donovan, uncovering the target."
"When will we make the exchange?" Kensi asked.
"Tomorrow afternoon. I'm leaving momentarily to meet with Peter Kovalev and explain that I got the data today, but the encryption key is still coming," Jack replied. "He's probably not going to be happy."
"Is that going to create a problem for your undercover?" Kensi replied.
"I'll deal with it," Jack replied, sidestepping the question.
"We'll adjourn until tomorrow morning. Mr. Salvay, since I have assurances from your supervisor that you are trustworthy I'll allow Mr. Murphy to escort you back to your car without the blindfold so you may covertly find your way back here tomorrow. Don't disappoint me," Hetty stated, her voice allowing for no argument.
Jack took Hetty's near threat in stride, simply nodding and turning to leave. Kensi followed him, unable to ignore the urge she had to pin him down, to ask questions on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to punch whatever uncertain facet of her past that made her want an explanation so badly that she practically chased after the man who'd left her.
Jack was halfway down the stairs when she caught up to him, calling his name. When he turned to face her she saw the apprehension in his eyes. She wondered if he feared the same things she did, if seeing her again brought up parts of his past he didn't want to face.
"I was hoping we could talk. That we could discuss what happened," Kensi said haltingly. Jack's earlier hostility seemed to fade as he leveled his gaze on her, taking a deep breath before he spoke.
"What is there to talk about, Kensi? I'm not that man anymore, and you're certainly not that girl. Let's just work together and get through this," Jack replied. Kensi felt her disbelief and anger rear up.
"We're not those people anymore, but after everything we went through I want answers. You owe me that," Kensi replied. Jack's face hardened.
"I don't owe you anything."
Kensi tried not to physically reel backward. The man she'd known at eighteen had always thought of her first, had always treated her with respect. The man who had returned to her from war had had dark moments but his affection for her had still shined through that dark clouds. This man seemed to be a complete stranger.
"What happened to you?" Kensi whispered, unable to hide the disbelief in her voice. She couldn't quite believe the young Marine she'd known at eighteen was gone forever to be replaced by the unfeeling man in front of her.
Jack's eyes wavered on her, the first sign that she'd struck some uncertain chord within him. He shook his head sadly. "Nothing you need to concern yourself with."
Despite the history, the confusion, and her own hurt, Kensi felt compassion well up. She reached out to place a hand on his arm. Jack's eyes rose up to stare at her in shock.
"I am concerned. You were the most important thing in my world once. Even with everything that has happened since, I want you to be okay."
Her caring words seemed to shake him. Jack stepped back from her and mumbled something about needing to get back to his undercover as Nicholas Donovan. Kensi watched him go, her own doubt gnawing at the edge of her consciousness. She wanted answers about what Jack had done to her, about how he'd left, and what had happened to him over the last two decades. She wanted the answers for herself, but she also wanted to help him if she still could. For all the hurt he'd caused her, she couldn't stop caring about him.
By the time Kensi arrived home it was late in the afternoon. A note on the counter told her that Hailey had taken Kyle bowling and they would be out until after dinner. Too tired to think about making a meal, Kensi placed a call to order pizza, showered and changed her clothes, and then went in search of Deeks. It didn't take her long to find him. He was outside in the backyard, reclined in a chair and watching the last rays of light from the sun disappear below the horizon.
Even with his relaxed posture, Kensi saw the tension in his body. He held his injured arm, still in a sling, against his chest while his fist was clenched, his knuckles pale against tanned skin. And Kensi knew she'd put some of that tension there. She sat on the ottoman next to Deeks' chair, leaning her elbows on her knees, clasping her hands together to dissuade herself from nervously tapping her fingers.
"How are you feeling?" Kensi asked softly, knowing that only a day after being shot that pain has probably turned to stiffness and ache.
"I can handle it."
Deeks' short words, an echo of her earlier ones, clued her in that this would not be an easy conversation. Deeks knew about her tendency to retreat, just as she knew he could occasionally react badly when she did. She sometimes wanted space he didn't want to give her.
"Marty, I'm sorry about before. Jack showing up again wasn't something I expected," Kensi offered as an explanation. "But I couldn't talk about it this afternoon. I had to focus on the mission."
Deeks barked a laugh, a harsh sound she hadn't ever heard directed at her. "You dismiss me hours ago to deal with your fiancé and now you want to talk?"
Kensi shifted on the ottoman, her chest beginning to feel uncomfortably tight. She resented to jealous undertone of Deeks' words though she chose not to take the bait calling Jack her fiancé clearly was. "It's not easy for me, facing Jack again. You know that it took me a long time to get past what he did to me."
"Hitting you? Lying to you? Leaving you on Christmas? I do know, Kensi. I'm not sure you ever did really get past it. It's like this albatross around your neck that you refuse to take off. I've been here for you for the last fifteen years. But I don't know how you expect me to help if you keep pushing me away and only talking to me when it's convenient for you. You keep hiding from what happened like that will make it go away."
His recrimination stung, the quick assessment of her history with Jack laid out as a shameful reminder of what Jack had done to her, and what she'd endured and what she'd allowed to weigh her down and hold her back over the years. And Deeks' words, past the point of understanding and focused on her slight to him, made her irritation grow in response.
"I wasn't pushing you away intentionally. I had a job to do. You haven't been an agent in a long time so maybe you don't remember what it's like. You know I can't afford distractions and you acting like a jealous husband isn't helping. Stop acting like a child or like I did this to purposefully hurt you."
Kensi spoke sharply, knowing she was striking out in a way that would cut deep, and not able to stop herself. It had been a low blow, to bring up how he wasn't an agent any longer and didn't understand. But it felt equally low that he'd brought up the shadows of her past, the reminders of her bad judgment that she'd shared with him. And she felt the distance growing between them as Deeks leveled his gaze at her, his jaw tightened and his eyes narrowing.
"So, which is it? Am I the jilted husband, the has-been federal agent, or the kid throwing a tantrum over the toy I thought was mine?"
Kensi flushed, her words thrown back and cruelly twisted. They seemed like harsh words now, but she'd been backed into a corner and looking around, she wasn't sure how to find her way out. And Deeks' subtle digging in didn't help her want to reach out to him.
From a distance, she heard the doorbell ring and knew the pizza had arrived. Kensi stood, unwilling to budge and focusing on the tight pang Deeks' face, shuttered and closed off to her, caused to grip her heart.
"I ordered pizza. Come in if you want some."
"No thanks. I can take care of myself," Deeks replied, low and angry.
Kensi turned on her heel, rushing away from the backyard and swiping at hot tears that leaked from the corner of her eyes. She was torn between wanting to apologize and find her way back into Deeks' understanding arms, and stubbornly wanting him to come to her and plead for forgiveness.
Pausing in the doorway to enter the house, she glanced back at Deeks. He faced away from her with no indication that he registered the weight of her gaze. Kensi gritted her teeth, feeling the irrational sting of rejection and whirling around. She moved so fast that she missed Deeks' head, turning to watch her go, regret swimming in his eyes and a discouraged sigh deflating his chest.
To be continued