That night, Antonio sat on the couch in the living room, trying to write out a plan for what he and Lovino would do while staking out the area. There had to be order and no chaos. If anything went into chaos, he and Lovino would be in some deep trouble. He tried not to think about that, because he knew that if anything went wrong, it would be because of Lovino. And that was something he was not prepared for.
If Lovino messed up the mission, it would be blamed on Antonio for sure. He couldn't afford to have a failed mission blamed on him. It would ruin his credibility everywhere. He would never be able to get another job like this. The whole time he planned the mission, all he could hope was that Lovino would cooperate with him.
"What are you doing out here, ya bastard?" Lovino asked Antonio as he walked into the room. He crossed his arms, leaning over him. He was glad to have a moment when he was actually taller than the Spaniard.
"Again with calling me a bastard," Antonio sighed. "Why do you do that?" It almost bugged at him. What was Lovino's problem? Did he know how hurtful that word could really be?
"Because you are one," Lovino huffed, sitting down next to him.
"I am, you know," Antonio stated after a moment. His voice was quiet and uncharacteristically solemn.
"You're what?" Lovino asked, looking over at him.
"I'm a bastard child," Antonio answered, looking into his lap. "I understand teasing, Lovino, I really do, but please stop calling me that. It really does hurt."
Lovino was taken aback. "You what?"
"You heard me, Lovino," Antonio sighed. "The secret's out. I'm a bastard child. I don't know who my father is, and neither does my mother. The man who I grew up calling padre is not my biological father. He always hated me, and he let me know it. He hated that I wasn't his son. Yet my mother never knew."
Lovino didn't know what to say. He was in complete shock. Was that the hard time Antonio had gone through, the hard time he could see in the Spaniard's eyes? That didn't seem fair at all. Antonio was a nice guy. He didn't deserve something like that.
"Lo siento, Lovino," Antonio sighed. "I shouldn't have told you that. It's just that you calling me that word frustrates me because you don't know that it's what I really am. I'm just a bastard child with no father."
Once he finally found his voice, Lovino spoke up. "I'm sorry, Antonio," he said, the words sounding weird coming out of his mouth. He never apologized for anything, yet here he was, apologizing to this man he had only met recently. "If I had known that word was hurtful to you…" Lovino allowed his voice to trail off, not really wanting to finish the sentence. He hoped Antonio would get the point and leave it at that.
Antonio's lips were closed tightly. All he could do was nod. "I'm glad you understand now." He was feeling too exhausted and upset to continue with his planning. What he really wanted by that point was a good night's rest. "I'm going to bed." He got up and went to the room he was staying in. Here was hoping he'd sleep well.
Lovino sat on the couch, frowning. He didn't realize he had hurt Antonio that badly. If only he had known. Then he would have stopped. Oh, how he wished he could take it back. He didn't want to hurt Antonio. All he wanted was to be closer to him. This was not closer!
"Idiot," Lovino muttered to himself. "You're just an idiot, Lovi." He buried his face in his hands. Why did he have to upset Antonio? He wished he could take it back and start over with that beautiful man. Lovino wished he could bring laughter to those beautiful, green eyes, not pain. Why did he have to say those hurtful things to him? Why couldn't he just be friendly?
Why couldn't he? Because that wasn't who Lovino was. No matter how badly he wanted to change, he knew he never could. Or at least he wouldn't be able to overnight. And that was what Antonio needed at the moment.
Before he could stop himself, Lovino ran to Antonio's room and pounded on the door. He didn't know why he had run there, it just sort of happened.
Antonio opened the door slowly. He was shirtless, his flawless, tanned skin on his muscular torso making Lovino melt on the inside. "¿Como?" he asked, confused. "Why are you at my door, Lovino?"
Lovino had to bite his tongue to keep himself from stating that it was actually Feliciano's door. "I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry," he mumbled, looking away.
The Spaniard's eyes widened. He never thought Lovino could be capable of apologizing to anyone, especially him. It was almost unreal. What had possessed Lovino to do this? "Gracias, Lovino."
Lovino simply nodded his head before turning to leave. "Well goodnight."
Before Lovino could leave, Antonio hugged him from behind. "It means a lot."
The Italian froze. His heart jumped up into his throat. He didn't know what to do. Antonio's arms enfolding him like this was almost too much! He could feel his face turning red. All he could do at that moment was try not to melt into the Spaniard's embrace.
"Can we talk in my room for a moment?" Antonio asked Lovino.
"Uh, yeah, sure," Lovino mumbled, feeling Antonio's arms unfold him. He didn't know what Antonio was going to talk to him about, but it wasn't like he could so easily deny him a conversation.
Antonio led the way into the room and shut the door after Lovino. "Look, Lovino, we're going to have to start cooperating and getting along. Our first mission is in two days. What can I do to make you trust me enough to follow command? I understand this is your first mission, but it's not mine. These kinds of things are risky and dangerous, Lovino. If you don't follow command, someone could end up hurt, or worse."
Lovino felt his stomach sinking. He knew these kinds of missions were dangerous, but he didn't know just how dangerous. All this talk of getting hurt or worse was starting to make his stomach turn. What if something bad did happen?
"This isn't like a child's game of cops and robbers," Antonio continued. "If we don't play our cards right, one of us could even end up dead."
"Dead?" Lovino choked out.
"It would be me, of course," Antonio stated. "Because I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you, Lovino. Not on my watch."
Lovino's eyes widened as he looked at Antonio. "You wouldn't?"
"Not at all," Antonio confirmed. "That would mean that I failed everything and everyone. If anyone were to die during a mission, it would be me, understand?"
As he solemnly nodded, he began to imagine how terrible of a place the world would be without Antonio. He was always so bright and cheerful. Things definitely wouldn't be the same without him.
"I will cooperate," Lovino stated with a curt nod. "I will do what you say to ensure the safety of both of us."
"Gracias, Lovino," Antonio stated, nodding to him. "That means a lot." The wheels once again began to turn in his head. "Okay, so here's the plan…"
.
The next morning, Roma was surprised to see both Antonio and Lovino awake and at the table before breakfast was even done cooking. He blinked in shock when he saw Antonio smiling and Lovino conversing with him casually. "Do my eyes deceive me?" Roma asked, giving both men a quizzical look.
"What would they be deceiving you about?" Antonio asked him, returning the look.
"You two are actually getting along and conversing early in the morning," Roma stated. "Lovi barely talks to me in the mornings. How did you get him to talk to you, Antonio?"
"I talked to him first," Antonio simply stated with a shrug.
"I am in utter shock," Roma stated.
"Stop talking about me like I'm not here," Lovino grumbled. "It's annoying." He crossed his arms over his chest in a sulk. "I'm just as visible as he is."
Roma grinned and patted Lovino's head. "Si. Of course, Lovi."
Lovino scowled. "Whatever." He glared up at Roma. "Don't treat me like a child."
"You'll always be a little boy to me, Lovi," Roma assured. "No matter how old you get. That's a guarantee right there."
The younger Italian groaned loudly and buried his face in his arms. "Grandpa!"
Roma chuckled. "Oh, Lovi," he sighed out. "You're so easy to embarrass. I can't help but do it."
"Vaffanculo," Lovino grumbled.
Roma laughed loudly. "Lovino, that's inappropriate."
"So is embarrassing me," Lovino grumbled back, looking up at him. "You shouldn't say things like that in front of my friends."
"Friends?" Roma asked, eyes widening in surprise as he looked to Antonio.
"Well we're partners in this mission, so why not be friends as well?" Antonio simply stated with a shrug. "There's no point in not being friends, you know. Roma, think a little." He grinned widely at the older man. "Now what's for breakfast?"
"I made some eggs and toast," Roma said. "I also have some fresh fruit. What would you like, Antonio?"
"I think I'll just settle for an orange if you have one," Antonio said. "I'm not too hungry this morning."
"Are you sure?" Roma asked. "My breakfast foods are amazing."
Antonio thought for a moment. "No, I think I'm okay for now. I'll let you know if I get hungry for some later on."
Roma winked. "Okay."
Lovino sighed and began to load his plate with food. He hated the fact that he was almost always hungry. His desire for food was extremely unappealing. He hated appearing like a glutton in front of Antonio. It made him wish he had a small appetite in the mornings, like he did. He felt fat as he loaded his plate with food, yet once he began eating, he forgot all negative feelings about food.
Antonio smiled as he watched Lovino eat. He wished he had an appetite like that in the mornings. Every morning, he would wake up nauseous from his gruesome nightmares from the night before. He hated waking up nauseous. If only he could get some good sleep on some nights. It was too bad that he'd had nightmares since he was a child.
Every nightmare was nearly the same. He would always be reaching for his mother as she bled out on the floor, just beyond his his grasp. Everything was always just beyond his grasp, and it was horrifying. Why was he so useless? Was it the guilt of his past? Was it because he couldn't help them when he knew? Or was it that he kept the secret? All he wanted was for the memory of his guilt to go away, and he thought that by doing good deeds for others, like this mission, it would all go away.
Lovino looked up from his food to sneak a peek at Antonio. His cheeks flushed when he saw that Antonio was gazing at him, more like spacing off, but he didn't care. Antonio's eyes were on him, and that was all that mattered to him at the moment.
Antonio squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to keep reliving all of the nightmares he had witnessed. He just wanted peace from his inner demons, but he feared he would never get it.
"Are you okay, Antonio?" he heard Roma's voice ask.
"Yeah," Antonio quickly answered, opening one eye. "Just a headache is all." He didn't like being dishonest with Roma, but he couldn't help but lie. There was no way he would ever want Roma and Lovino to know what he had witnessed at such a young age. Anything but that.
"You look pale," Roma commented. "You're not getting sick, are you?"
Lovino's eyes widened in panic. "You can't get sick, Antonio! We have a mission tomorrow! It's the real deal!" His panic showed in his voice. "Antonio, please don't be sick!"
Antonio chuckled to himself at Lovino's worry. He had never seen the young Italian that panicked. "No, no, I'm not sick. I just remembered something. That's all. It's really nothing to worry about."
"If you're sure," Roma sighed. He was certain that something was wrong with Antonio, and he was determined to find out what it was.
.
Antonio felt much better that afternoon. He even managed to eat a large lunch. As he sat on the couch upstairs, staring at a map, he began to contemplate a plan for Lovino and himself. All he needed to think of was an escape route.
"You sure are staring hard at that map," Lovino commented, leaning over the back of the couch. "Is it really that fascinating?"
"Not at all," Antonio answered. His green eyes flicked up toward Lovino. "I'm just mapping out what will go on tomorrow. Then again, it could be pretty unpredictable." He sighed. "Lovino, do you run fast?"
Lovino shrugged. "I'm a lot faster than my brother, but I don't know if it means I'm fast." He then looked at the map as well. "Why? Will I have to run tomorrow?"
"There is a possibility," Antonio answered, scanning over the map once more with his eyes. "Nothing is set in stone, but tomorrow could get pretty risky, especially if there are German troops staking out the same area." He put his pencil in his mouth and bit down on it to hold it in place. "Who knows what will happen?" he said around the pencil.
"It's really that dangerous?" Lovino asked, looking over at Antonio.
"Si," Antonio muttered, removing the pencil from his mouth. "There is no telling what will happen when we get there, so we will have to be on our guard at all times. Do you understand?"
Lovino nodded. He could already feel the adrenaline thrumming through his veins. The whole mission sounded exciting, but now the fact that real Germans might be there was what kept his spirits up.
"The most important thing is to remember that this isn't a game, Lovino," Antonio said, looking up at the excited Italian. "We will have to be extremely careful, or you might be the only one who makes it back here."
"Why wouldn't you?" Lovino asked.
"Because even if you're the one captured, I'll be the one whose life is taken," Antonio said. "I would make sure of that."
Lovino's eyes widened. He still couldn't believe that Antonio would be willing to sacrifice himself for him. It was unbelievable to him. "Why would you be the one?" he slowly asked.
"You're still young," Antonio casually answered. "You have a lot to live for. Me, I've got nothing."
"Of course you have something," Lovino told him. "You have me and Grandpa."
Antonio chuckled to himself. "I guess you're right."
"We're a team in this mission," Lovino told him. "If it fails and only I make it out, that wouldn't be fair. If one of us goes down, we both go down."
"Since when are you so on about us being a team?" Antonio asked Lovino, casting him a quizzical look.
Lovino didn't know what to say. He didn't want to explain that it was because it would break his heart if Antonio were to die. He also didn't want to say that it would be a waste of a handsome man if Antonio were to die. Anything having to do with Antonio dying was too much to even think about. Though he knew Antonio would die one day, he didn't want it to be tomorrow.
"Because I am fully dedicated to this mission," Lovino answered, heart pounding in his chest.
"I'm glad to hear that," Antonio said with a nod. "I'm currently looking for an escape route for us, but if that route becomes blocked, I'm trying to find an emergency route for you."
"Antonio, don't talk like that," Lovino said. "If they get us, they get us together."
Antonio sighed. "Why are you making this so difficult, Lovino? You have a family still. I want to make sure you get back to them. Even if I die, you could meet a girl here or somewhere and continue your family line."
"Idiot!" Lovino shouted before he could stop himself. "Why don't you understand that I don't want any of that?!" His breathing became heavy as he grew more and more emotional. "All I truly want is…." He managed to stop himself before he let out that he loved Antonio. That would be something he could never see himself coming back from. He couldn't let Antonio know that he loved him. If Antonio knew, he might just leave the mission. But it wasn't like Lovino was trying to fall in love with the Spaniard. It just happened.
Antonio almost swore he was going to get a love confession out of Lovino. His eyes widened as he waited for it, but then softened when he realized it would never come. He was almost disappointed that Lovino didn't just shout it right then and there. Then again, how would he have reacted if Lovino had made his love known.
It was true, he had almost kissed Lovino once already, but how could he have done that if he didn't return the feelings of the young Italian. Was he just too overtaken by Lovino's beautiful singing voice, or was it something else? He didn't think he was falling for Lovino. That would be ridiculous! Who would fall for someone so moody and angry? Why would he ever fall for someone who just lived to insult him?
Maybe it was something about Lovino's bronze-colored eyes. Or the way he put emotion into singing to Antonio. It could even be the way he had just yelled at Antonio just now. What was going on in his head? There was no way he was falling for that Italian brat!
"I see…" Antonio muttered to him. He had to try not to make eye contact with Lovino, so as not to make anyone any more uncomfortable than they already were.
Lovino was still breathing heavily as he stood there, hands trembling. He couldn't believe that he had almost told Antonio what he really thought of him. It was almost unbearable. He knew he had to get out of there, but he didn't know how to do it.
"I'll, uh, leave you to your work," Lovino said, lowering his eyes. He turned on his heel and left the room, too horrified by his own actions. How could he ever speak to Antonio again after that?
Antonio sat on the couch and watched Lovino go. He was too confused by his own thoughts to concentrate on the map at the moment. He quietly folded it up and set it on the couch next to him before burying his face in his hands. What could he do now?