12th May 2015
I'm so bored. So bored, I've actually befriended that little lagger-to-be Sophie. And it's winding up Liz to no end. That's why I'm doing it, hit her where it hurts the most. Soph's seeing what her mother actually is, a fuckin' lagger. Red tried to stick her nose in and all. She also asked for my help with Jodie. She's funny! Jodie won't go up against the Freak, she doesn't have it in her. She had a point though, the Freak wants me and Bea, well she deffo ain't gonna get me fucked up. So, I sided with Bea. We're taking it in turns to watch Jodie. She doesn't eat or sleep until she tells someone exactly what happened in the slot.
We had this stupid group therapy session today about anger and shit. Liz had to open her big mouth and spurt off about how I have 'blood on my hands'. She's treading a fine fucking line, she is. But yeah, whatever. Liz wants a few home truths? She'll get 'em. Her precious Sophie isn't as innocent as she thinks. Had to tell her that it wasn't her first offence and her licence had been revoked. See how she likes that. You see, I will never lay a hand on Liz. I couldn't I loved her too much. But I will hurt her with words, that's how you really get to her. She really fucking hurt me by lagging, so I wanna make her feel the same.
Out of everything that has happened to me in here, I think that hurt me the most. I trusted Liz with my life. I respected her and looked up to her. She was a good person in my eyes, a great person. But she shat all over me, just like everyone else in my life. I'm used to heartache and misery, but I really thought Liz had my back. Oh well. You live and you learn. Like fuck will I ever trust another person. I'm good on my own.
I'm good on my own.
I'm good on my own.
I'm not good on my own.
I've been on my own for so long it's the only way I know. But I long for company. Someone to lay awake with in the middle of the night and share my secrets and my fears with. I've never had that, my past relationships weren't exactly the hearts and flowers type. Not that I am, but everyone needs some love sometimes. When i'm out of here, I wanna find that girl. She's gotta be smart and able to hold a conversation, and she needs to understand that sometimes I need my own space. It's not too much to ask for, right?
I had another session with Gidget today, but i'm still pissed at her. She breached the trust, so the onus is on her to rebuild. She acknowledged she breached that, blah blah blah blah. How can I have therapy sessions with a psychologist I can't trust? I thought she was better than that. She bought up Liz, and asked me if she was someone I trusted. I think she was a little, I dunno, intimidated perhaps about how I ripped into her about Sophie. She reckons my only form of defence seems to be attack. Well, no shit! You provoke me, I attack back. It's a reaction. Thought she would have studied the Freudian shit. But I didn't wanna talk about my defence mechanisms. I wanted to shift the focus off of me, so I pushed her buttons again.
When was your first time with a woman?
I'm not 100% certain she's a lesbian, but my gaydar is pinging, and I wanna find out. She laughed awkwardly, and that confirmed it for me. But then she admitted it. I fucking knew it! This should make our sessions a whole lot more interesting now!
I'm still babysitting Jodie. It's getting boring now, but she needs to open up. Bea and I are getting along, not like besties, but at least we are civil in some respects. Jodie will crack soon, it's only a matter of time. And she cracked. Fuckin' finally! But I think she's lost the bloody plot now. The Freak has really fucked her up. As I watched Jodie sleep she reminded me of myself as a child. Scared, messed up and lonely. She's got me, but if this messes up and the Freak wins, she's really fucked. We all are.
G'night companion.
Franky x