Spoiler alert for season eight.
Nothing dirty this time. I just came up with this because I'm tired of hearing about Amelia, she's GONE, let it GO! Dammit!
I do not own nor am I affiliated with Supernatural, WB, CW, Kripke Enterprises, actors, or other affiliates there of. No profit is being made from this.
It hit him out of the blue one day. He was just laying on the couch channel surfing on his day off. Dean had to work that day at the Home Improvement Depot. He didn't like the job any more than Sam liked his own but it was paying the bills.
There was no warning of the thought, nothing on the television that should have triggered it either. Sam supposed that's how epiphanies worked.
He didn't love Amelia.
No, wait, that wasn't the right kind of statement. Sam didn't love her now of course, he had Dean. That wasn't exactly what he had ever planned on but he was happier then he'd ever been.
He hadn't loved Amelia, that was it.
Sam cared about her, cared a lot. He wanted her to be happy, wanted her to be safe, hoped that she was okay where ever she was and whatever she was doing now. Sam hoped that she was happy with her husband, he really, really did.
Sam hadn't loved her though, not the kind of love that people in an intimate relationship are supposed to have.
Sam wanted to love her. They were both broken and hurting, having lost the people they loved the most in the world. That should have told him something right away. Starting a relationship with some one because you're both kind of messed up probably isn't a good long-term plan.
They needed each other, that was it. They just plain needed one another.
That wasn't exactly a bad thing. What was bad was mistaking what they had, for love. Yes, they rushed into things and moved in together too soon and Sam had embraced it wholeheartedly because he needed Amelia like she needed him.
Sam wanted to love her, though. He wanted to love her so much he convinced himself that he did love her.
In the end though, he didn't love her, he loved the idea of her. Sam loved the life he was creating. His new little cocoon of normalcy. No hunting, no fear, no immediate threat of the world coming to an end. It was like Stanford again. Sam was free and if he had a Dean shaped hole in his heart, he could deal as long as he had Amelia . . . and the dog. It was normal, apple pie, civilian life and it stretched out in front of him for the rest of his life. He could see the house and the white picket fence and the 2.3 children and Sam wanted it. He wanted it more than he wanted anything in his life.
Except Dean but he couldn't think about that because it still hurt too much.
Amelia was broken and hurting but she was normal and that's what he loved. She didn't ask too many questions, she didn't press for details of his life. She was perfect and again, blessedly normal.
With Amelia, Sam could pretend he never had the blood of a demon in his veins, he could pretend he never had visions and never pulled demons out of people with his mind. He could pretend that he was never addicted to drinking demon blood and hadn't helped to start the apocalypse, pretend his body had never walked the earth without a soul, the soul that was trapped in a cage in hell for over a century, being tortured by Lucifer himself.
Sam could pretend he didn't know where people went when they died.
He could pretend that he didn't know what it was like having his brother die over and over in his arms in a thousand different ways and never be able to stop it.
Playing pretend doesn't last forever though.
Dean came back and it was over.
Sam could say that he left because her husband wasn't really dead after all and he just wanted to give her a chance to be with him again. Sam needed to let them have their chance but really, he knew he'd never go back.
As long as there was Dean, there would be hunting.
For a while he was so angry about it, so ready to run right back to Amelia. Back to normal.
But when the opportunity presented itself, when he had the blessings of his big brother to go back and get back his normal, safe life, he chose Dean.
If he had loved her, he would have gone back, just for the possibility that they could have had.
He would have gone back for Jess.
Sam would always go back for Dean.
Even when what they had wasn't normal.
The realization that he had fallen in love with an illusion didn't hurt exactly but it did make Sam profoundly sad. He felt a little like he had deceived Amelia, more than that he knew he had deceived himself. If he had gone back to be with her, would he be able to delude himself for the rest of his life? Or would he wake up one day, when it was too late to do anything about the mistake he made?
If he had gone back, he might not be with Dean now.
That thought frightened him a little.
Sam heard the front door open and slam shut again. Dean was home and he pulled off his jacket and his shoes before strolling into the living room and dropping down onto the chair adjacent to the couch.
"It's official," Dean announced, kicking his feet up on the coffee table (simply because it bugged Sam when he did that), "I totally hate standing on concrete all day. I never did that even when I worked construction. Maybe I should do that again, at least I wouldn't have to do any of this customer service crap. Dude, you shoulda - mmph -"
Dean's rambling was cut off as Sam suddenly launched himself off the couch, straddled his lap and kissed him hard, licking his way into Dean's mouth. Dean responded with enthusiasm and pulled Sam against his body.
When Sam came up for air, Dean let him pull back, giving him a quizzical look.
"Where did that come from?" He asked, pouncing wasn't really Sam's style, too used to being big enough to possibly crush his partner.
Sam opened his mouth, trying to think of a way to explain what he felt, of all the revelations he'd had just a moments ago. It was all too much, he couldn't condense it and simplify it fast enough.
What came out was, "I love you more than I love normal."
Sam knew that it didn't make a lot of sense, he didn't need Dean to quirk an eyebrow at him and look at him like he'd just started speaking Mandarin.
"Okay," Dean said slowly, drawing the word out. "Random."
Sam just smiled and kissed him again. He could explain later.
Besides, he knew now it wasn't just that he loved Dean more than he loved normal.
He was beginning to realize that normal was relative.
Dean was and would forever be Sam's normal.
And that was all he needed.