Saving Me
Black-Angel-001: there is some confusion among you and i want to clear it up. details will be provided later as to johnny's reactions and such, but let me just say, for the record, that johnny is addicted. if that was a spoiler in anyway, i'm sorry, but i had to clear that up.
Saving Me
"And say it for me, say it to me, and I'll leave this life behind me, say it if it's worth saving me." --Nickleback, 'Savin' Me'
After three more runs, two of which ended up in the patients signing forms saying they were going to see their own doctor, Roy wearily pulled into the firehouse, put it in park, and sat for a minute. Johnny was quiet, had been for most of the afternoon after their first stop at Rampart. He hardly said a word, didn't engage in a conversation, and the joking he did with Roy was weak and without much effort. With a sigh, Johnny opened his door and got out, walking around the squad to stand in front of cap's open office door. Roy got out too, and stood next to him for a minute. Finally, after a supportive squeeze of Johnny's shoulder, Roy left him alone.
Gage cleared his throat and knocked gently on the door. Stanley ignored him to finish writing out whatever report he had. As soon as the period was tapped on the end of the sentance, he looked up, studied John, and waved him in. Like before, Johnny closed the door without being told, but didn't sit down. Instead, he stood at-ease, hands clasped loosely behind his back, feet spread two inches apart, and eyes straight ahead.
Hank looked John up and down, looking at his stance and posture, his expression. His body language was respectful and percise, his face composed to be blank. The look was unnatural for John, Hank thought. After five minutes went by and Stanley hadn't said anything, Johnny's brown eyes flicked to his captain, confused and unsure. Hank just waited him out.
"Sir, I'd...like to...I want to apologize for my behavior earlier," Johnny finally stuttered out. His eyes darted back and forth between Hank and the wall again.
Stanley kept watching him, saying nothing, just leaning backwards and forwards in his chair. Finally, after what seemed like forever to the young paramedic, he spoke.
"Apology accepted. I understand that you were thinking I was discussing something personal and private with someone who wasn't involved."
Johnny shook his head, looking straight at Hank this time. "No, you were right. I should have realized that you would talk to Roy, but instead I let my frustration with my car come over into my job and it wasn't proffessional."
"We all have moments of unproffessionalism, Gage. The important thing is in wether or not you own up to it, make amends, move on, and try not to let it happen again. So, since you have apologized and realized that it was wrong of you, I'm willing to overlook the more serious implications."
Johnny's heart fell a little. So, he was still going to be punished for it. That was only fair, he reminded himself. Stanley continued.
"You're going to be working with the recruits and boots this week during your off time. You're going to go through proper procedure for entering a building, evacuating victims, rendering first aide to those victims, and whatever else the instructors will have you do. That's for being late and your actions earlier." Hank waited a few minutes, so it would sink in for the young man. Slowly, Johnny nodded.
"Yes, sir. Thank you." He went back to staring at the wall.
"John," Hank said. The use of his first name made Johnny look back. "If you want, I could come over later and help you take a look at your car?"
Johnny grinned, loosening up from his tense position. Hank was reaching out to show there were no real hard feelings in their friendship, and Johnny appreciated it, and said as much. "Yeah, I'd like that."
They chatted about times and dates and Johnny left the office feeling kind of good. He knew working with the newbs was Stanley's subtle way of telling Gage that he was going to re-learn his discipline, and in a way it made him feel ashamed all over again. It was like reprimanding an older child when they used bad table manners by going over it all again in great detail for someone younger in their presence, making the older one help teach so it wasn't as obvious. Well, it could have been worse and Johnny consoled himself with that thought. He stuck his hands in his pocket and stuttered in his steps when his fingers wrapped around the bottle there. Walking quickly to the latrine, he went into a bathroom stall, locked the door, and pulled out the bottle.
The lable read Lorcet, the miligrams, the quantity, and nothing else. He tilted the bottle, and the 16 pills fell to the side accordingly. He was not proud of how he'd gotten the pills. He'd thought that during a run, he would work it to get hurt, he would be prescribed painkillers, and if he got out of whatever punishment Stanley had for him for a little longer, that was fine. But, at the run with the shot woman, there was no chance of that. Looking at Roy pull drugs out the box had made pain lace through his body, making him tight as a drum, and he found that at the hospital he could hardly concentrate. So, he'd made up some excuse about a friend and going to see him when in reality he went to the pharmacy. In was his great luck (or so he'd thought at the time) that a young, friendly and eager woman had been at the counter working as a pharmacy technician.
He'd charmed her and cajouled her until she unlocked that counter, closed the blinds, and then he screwed her against the wall. It was short, quick, and she was happy at the end. So was Johnny when he randomly grabbed a bottle while she had her back to him. And if he also grabbed a spare key hanging nearby when he kissed her before he left, who was the wiser? Looking back on it made him feel slightly sick. But, the 'what the hell?!' that went through his head was slowly fading into oblivion the more he tilted the bottle and the more the pills rattled. Pain shot through him again, and he had to clamp his mouth shut tight to keep a cry from escaping, although the barest of whimpers made it through. He held his breath, waiting for someone to come see what was wrong. Nothing. As another tremor went through him, Johnny quickly twisted the cap open, dumped two into his hand, and swallowed them. He leaned back as far as he was able and waited, eyes closed.
It worked quicker than the Tylenol 3, his mind fuzzing over. Slowly, how he got the bottle of pills faded from his mind, his emotions over what happened with Stanley, Roy, and everything else followed. He got to his feet, swaying a little, fumbled with the lock, and stumbled out of the stall. Each step brought a little clarity but didn't get rid of the fuzz. Soon, his gait was steadier, and he stumbled less. If anyone asked, he would just put it on exhaustion and hunger. Nobody would think twice about it, it being evening and the near end of a long day.
When he walked into the dayroom, he said something to Chet, told Mike how hungry he was and that he hoped they were having something good for dinner. Food was passed around and even while he kept up a banter with Kelly, Johnny's mind slipped a little farther away and nobody seemed to notice.
Black-Angel-001: i have to cut it off there, i do.