ok guys here is the latest chapter, i think its ok, i re-wrote it like three times!

posting this is totally making me late for work, but i don't care, i wanted to get it up before i changed my mind and deleted it. and having a job sucks, i want to just stay in bed and write fiction all day! please let me know if its any good :)

enjoy my darlings

Chapter 6

When Merlin had asked him to tell him about himself, he'd turned to protest. He really didn't like telling people shit about his life, it was too personal. It was why he hadn't spoken at the AA meetings up until now. The newspapers had done enough of that to last him a fucking lifetime. But when he had looked at Merlin, he'd looked so earnest and interested, and here was someone who, for the first time, was interested in Arthur because of him, who had no motive, nothing to gain.

Arthur had opened his mouth before his brain had really had chance to catch up, and he'd started telling merlin everything. Only briefly of course, he wasn't a complete sap. His mind had been a whirling mass of thoughts and feelings, tumbling over his lips like water. Merlin had sat, calmly listening, not judging him at all. Arthur's words had just kept coming and coming, faster and faster, he had felt like he couldn't stop them.

"And I feel so alone"

He had clasped his hand over his mouth. He had said too much. Surely Merlin would look at him in confusion, laugh at him or worse. But he had just sat there, looking, well, a bit stunned.

"I'm so sorry"

Arthur tensed up. Fuck! He was going to get pity, he did not want nor did he deserve Merlin's fucking pity! He thought he was different, thought he might understand.

"Wait! Let me finish! I don't pity you, I know you don't want my pity, I mean I wouldn't want it. I know what it's like, to feel like that, to feel like no one actually sees you, you're just a pawn in their games, or a piece of meat they can tear strips off and throw the rest back for someone else. I'm not going to sit here and make all those sympathetic noises I'm sure you've heard a thousand times before. I want to help you, I want to make it go away, that loneliness, but I mean, look at me, I can't even keep myself together, let alone help anyone else"

Merlin let out a pitiful laugh.

Arthur would have lashed out, started swearing and pacing, if it had been anyone else. He would have accused Merlin of not knowing, not understanding, would have told him to stay the fuck out it. But Merlin was different. He had no reason to say those things, and yet had said them anyway. He was here, out on the street, with nothing but his words and he'd used them to mend a small fracture in Arthur's soul. It wasn't much but it was a start.

Arthur gave Merlin a watery smile "thank you"

Merlin could not, would not realise how much that meant to Arthur, just having someone who cared.

Merlin answered him with a blinding on of his own. "hey, that's what I'm here for, I'm a proper little agony aunt, me" he chuckled.

Merlin paused, his smile fading and his eyes fluttering closed, those long lashes resting on his cheeks. Arthur stared for a few seconds, wondering if he was ok. When they opened again, his eyes were almost luminous and Arthur could feel himself drowning.

"My dad left when I was born. My mum told me later that it was my fault, that I ruined everything for her. I was so young, I believed her. I did everything I could to try to make her love me; that mostly involved me going out on the streets begging for any spare bit of change so she could buy her next hit of booze or drugs."

"I ran away when I was 16, thinking I could get a job, get a life, get away from her, her manipulations. But I had very little education, and no qualifications to speak of. My mum had always said I had no business going to school, where people could stick their noses into our business."

Arthur had been so stunned. He had offered up something of his own life, and not only had merlin not mocked him, he had understood and what's more he had started to offer up a piece of himself.

Merlin had wanted to help him, but he had nothing to give. And he had been so scared to offer anything of himself, in case Arthur had mocked him, or had used it against him somehow. He had tried to explain to Arthur, to apologise for the people that had made him feel that way, to tell him he knew what it was like. He tried to show him, without really showing him, that he had wanted to help, but that he just couldn't.

"Thank you"

Merlin had tried to brush it off, make light of the situation. But Arthur had stared at him in such awe and appreciation, and Merlin had wanted to scream. Stop it! I'm not worth your gratitude, I can't help you, I can't give you anything. I'm so messed up; there is nothing of me that you'd want. I can't save you, because I'm the one that needs saving.

But he had realised he needed to do more, that he wanted to repay Arthur in kind. The only one that could save him was himself. Deep breaths, he could be brave, he could do this. He could feel the words in his throat, pushing up, trying to get out past his lips. His mind was telling him it would be ok to let someone in, that he could unload his burden, tell the truth just like Arthur had. Arthur wouldn't hurt him, would he?

The words had travelled past his lips before he was even conscious of their presence. He had started to tell Arthur about his past, all those things that had hurt him, and he had started to feel lighter, more at ease. Arthur's look of awe had only seemed to increase, along with some emotion Merlin had struggled to identify.

"I had managed to live on the streets for three years, mainly through begging and sleight of hand. It helped that I was young, and somewhat fresh, I didn't have stains of despair and that homelessness stench yet. The trouble came at night, in the dark and the cold and the wet. Finding somewhere safe was a rarity, so I would sleep fitfully, starting awake at the slightest noise."

"When they found me, I was desperate. They were mean and street hardened. Oh sure, at first they were sweet and coaxing, making promises they never intended to keep. And I was so tired, I wanted to give up control of my life and just stop caring"

"They gave me heroin, at least they said it was, said it was straight cut, the good stuff. It was like I was floating in darkness, but it was warm and comforting, cradling me like a blanket. By the time I'd surfaced, hours later, I was chained to the wall of some dark empty room."

He stuttered and faltered, his words drying up. He came to with a gasp, the soothing rhythm of his speech broken; bursting the trance he had fallen under with his own words. He'd said too much already. He felt better, lighter, cleaner somehow but the rest was too raw. How could he admit to this man, this relative stranger, that he had been a prostitute, forced to sell his body for someone else's profit.

"I…. I can't….. It's just too much. I'm sorry"

Merlin had looked down, trying to push back the tears; he had shown enough weakness already. His hands had clenched in frustration, and his mind had raced over who this man was that could make him do this, say all this, feel like this. He had felt a hand on his thigh, placed there cautiously, then with more purpose. He had looked up in surprise and his eyes had locked with Arthurs, he had seen the warmth in them, and affection.

Arthur's smile had been slight, but had held so much understanding. All in one small gesture. "It's ok, I'm here"