"I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal." --Vita Sackville-West

The Affliction of His Love

Alphard Black had a dilemma. What was worse was that he had no idea how he was supposed to solve it.

He was in love.

Whilst he was generally averse to the idea of being in love at his young age, the fact that he was in such a state was not the issue.

The problem was that he was in love with Malkin, and she had done a brilliant job of ignoring him for the past two weeks.

Alphard had tried everything to remedy his problem.

He had started off by trying to go on a date with another girl. This ended disastrously when he called her 'Malkin' in a moment of inattention.

He then took to going on long, wistful walks around the school whilst contemplating the human psyche and why it was that humans fell in love. This also ended rather badly when he accidentally stepped on a wild Blast-Ended Skrewt.

Whilst in hospital from the Blast-Ended Skrewt, he took to writing. He wrote a magnificently tragic tale of a prince who was suffering a slow and torturous death from a Blast-Ended Skrewt attack. The prince was asked for his dying wish, and he wished to see his beloved one last time. She, like Malkin, never came to visit him and the prince died broken-hearted. Alphard was granted a slightly happier ending as he was released from the Hospital Wing, very much alive, albeit still lovesick.

Following the hospital stint, Alphard settled for a much unhealthier approach. He stole firewhiskey and tried to numb his pain through alcoholic means. Fortunately, or unfortunately, this did not work as Alphard couldn't stand the taste of firewhiskey and ended up pouring the expensive bottle down the sink.

So now, out of ideas, he had taken to refusing everything but food and drink.

'Alphie?'

'Life is meaningless,' Alphard muttered to himself. 'There is no meaning to anything…'

'Oh snap out of it, man! You're becoming pathetic!'

Alphard looked up dully at Ryan.

'Do not speak of what you do not know.'

The boys stared at him before bursting out into laughter.

'Have you heard yourself lately?' Keith choked through his laughter. 'You're a walking comedy show!'

Sean, the more sympathetic one in the group, patted Alphard on the shoulder.

'Come on, Alphie. What's going on?'

Alphard sniffed affectedly and then, suddenly, he couldn't stop himself from ranting-

'It's her! She's a witch, I tell you! A horrible, nasty…yet beautiful witch!'

The others laughed again.

'What?' Alphard snapped heatedly.

'I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Alphie, but all the women in this school are witches and…. You're a wizard,' Keith said carefully, his lips twitching.

Alphard glared at them haughtily.

'I feel so used! The women of today- they just use you for sex and then leave you. I tell you boys, steer well clear of them. They're nothing but trouble!'

The was silence, and then-

'Are you serious!' Ryan exclaimed, looking as though Christmas had come early. 'Girls these days actually have sex? They use us? Where are they and why wasn't I told of this earlier?'

Sean rolled his eyes.

'Ryan, don't be so immature. Alphard is suffering from an extreme bout of …er… unrequited love,' he said delicately, his lips twitching.

'Oh you may laugh,' Alphard said dully. 'But don't come crying to me when you suffer from it- not that I wish this upon any of you.

Sean sighed.

'You know, Alphie, I don't think you're actually in love with Malkin.'

Alphard's eyes flashed dangerously and he stood up suddenly.

'Then what do you call this?' he yelled at Sean. 'I haven't been losing sleep simply because I decided to give up the habit!'

Sean's eyes widened but then he nodded wisely.

'Look, Alphie, I understand that you may be infatuated with Malkin, but I think the real issue at stake here is that you had a very intense encounter with her and she has suddenly started ignoring you.'

'Why would she do that?' Alphard said glumly.

'Perhaps she's ashamed,' Sean offered.

Keith and Ryan rolled their eyes.

'This is boring- want to play quidditch?' Keith said, nudging Ryan.

Ryan nodded emphatically and the two ran off quickly.

Once the door had shut, Sean continued to speak.

'Was it her first time?'

Alphard nodded.

'Girls are very particular about their first times. You haven't told me what happened, but—'

'She was jealous of Selene. She thought that I was in love with her and, when she saw me talking to her, ran off. I ran after her and then… it just sort of happened,' Alphard admitted.

Sean pursed his lips.

'What?'

'Well,' Sean said carefully, 'I think that she only slept with you in reaction to Selene. I don't think it was something which she would have done under normal circumstances. Knowing Malkin, I don't think she's just sleep with anyone so lightly.'

Alphard sighed.

'But what about me? Why is she ignoring me? I didn't do anything wrong!'

'I know, I know,' Sean said reassuringly. 'It's just that she's probably so ashamed for being jealous of her friend, sleeping with you in reaction to her jealousy, and giving up her first time so rashly that you're probably the last person she wants to see at the moment.'

'But that's not fair!' Alphard exclaimed.

'But that's how she feels. You, no matter what you do, will always remind her of that very shameful mistake of hers—and no one likes to be reminded of their mistakes.'

Alphard's shoulders slumped.

'So that's it, then?'

'I'm afraid so.'

'Can't I do anything? I just want to talk to her, at least, to make sure she's not upset at me or anything.'

Sean looked uncertain.

'I don't think that she'll see you. Perhaps you could send her a letter saying that you'd like to meet her just to talk?'

Alphard looked dubious at this suggestion.

'But she just ignores me when I try talking to her!'

Sean shook his head.

'I know, but this is different- you're giving her the chance to set the meeting on her terms. She would probably be much more comfortable that way.'

'Do you think that it'll work?' Alphard asked.

'It's worth a try,' Sean shrugged.

Alphard hugged Sean, who blushed a little.

'Thanks mate,' he said, rushing around the room for some parchment and ink. 'You're a genius!'

Malkin's lips trembled as she read the letter from Alphard.

Why couldn't he just leave her be? She never wanted to see him ever again. Was that so hard for him to understand?

The door opened and Malkin hastily stowed away the letter as Selene entered the dorm.

'Hi,' Selene smiled, walking over and sitting on Malkin's bed. 'What's up?'

Malkin forced a smile.

'Oh, not much. I just uh… need to go to the owlery.'

Selene's face fell.

'Oh,' she said, looking down. 'Okay, then.'

Malkin chewed her lip guiltily.

'I'll only be ten minutes,' she said. 'Do you want to study together afterwards?'

Selene looked up sadly.

'Sure,' she smiled, turning away and bending over her trunk.

Malkin hovered, but then decided that she could try doing damage control as soon as she returned.

--

The owlery was empty and Malkin set about writing her response quickly—

Where and when? It can't be on a Hogsmeade weekend or during school hours.

-Malkin

Malkin had half a mind to stun the owl as it flew off with the letter, but then decided that Alphard was right- they had to get things sorted between them. The sooner this happened, the better.

Malkin sighed as she turned to leave.

'Hi Malkin,' a voice piped up from across the room.

Malkin's eyes widened and she turned to see Florean Fortescue. Whilst Florean was a nice boy, he was very awkward and rather scrawny.

In other words, Malkin had never really taken much notice of him outside of the Gryffindor Common Room.

'Hi Florean,' she said, making to leave.

'H…how are you?' he asked, his voice faltering as he saw that she was leaving.

Malkin sighed, frustrated at being held up.

'I'm fine. How are you?' she asked shortly.

'I'm okay. My nonna's a bit sick. I was just sending her a letter,' he said, his blue eyes worried. 'She likes getting letters from me.'

Malkin could not understand why Florean thought that she would care about his 'nonna'.

'That's nice,' she said, disinterested and trying to find a way to leave. 'I just…'

'Are you okay, Malkin? You look a bit worried,' Florean commented earnestly.

Malkin blinked.

'Wh…what?' she stammered.

'You just look worried about something,' Florean shrugged.

Malkin sighed. She was not about to start divulging her innermost secrets to someone like Florean.

'I'm just busy,' she said shortly. 'Excuse me, I have to…'

Florean nodded.

'Well I hope whatever it is gets better for you.'

Malkin stared at Florean, slightly taken aback.

'Thanks,' she said, her expression softening a little. 'I hope your nonna gets better.'

Florean smiled widely at this and Malkin couldn't help smiling at how toothy and big his smile was. It was quite cute and endearing.

'Well… see you,' she said finally, after an awkward silence.

And, with a final nod to Florean, she left the owlery.

Strangely enough, she felt a bit better.

Selene wandered through the aisles of the library aimlessly. She had no intention of studying, but did not want to return to the common room where Malkin was probably having another brooding fit either.

'Asteria, what are you doing?'

Selene turned, surprised, to see Tom at the end of the aisle. He was sitting against the wall, reading a heavy and ancient book.

'I…'

'Are you looking for a book in particular?' he interrupted, looking rather annoyed by her presence.

Selene sighed and went over to where he was sitting, and sat next to him.

Tom's body stiffened.

'What are you doing?' he asked, looking very awkward.

Selene closed her eyes as she rested her head against the wall.

'Is this why you don't keep any friends?'

'You know I don't understand what you're talking about,' Tom snapped irritably.

'Because they'll inevitably move on?'

Tom's nostrils flared and he made to get up. Selene laughed so uncharacteristically that he turned to look at her in surprise.

'And even you're leaving me too,' she said, her lips quivering as she struggled to keep her humourless smile. 'No one wants to be around me. Am I that repulsive?'

Tom pursed his lips.

'Of course you are- you're a mudblood. I've been telling you this for many years already.'

Selene opened her eyes and laughed again. Once again, Tom was shocked by how dark her laugh was.

'And you're always right, aren't you?'

Tom rolled his eyes.

'Yes. I am.'

Selene nodded.

'Well then I suppose that must be it. Everyone hates me because I'm just a 'filthy little mudblood'.'

Tom frowned. Now he wasn't sure whether she was just upset, or whether she was mocking him.

Selene looked up at him and he was struck by how sad her usually-dancing hazel eyes were. Slowly, she stood up so that she was standing right opposite him.

'So, Tom, can you give a poor mudblood orphan another piece of advice?'

Tom crossed his arms, wondering how long Selene's outburst would last.

'What?' he snapped.

She laughed softly and he looked up into her eyes which were glassy with tears.

'What can I do, Tom? I was born this way- a mudblood. What do you suggest I do so that I may finally become 'acceptable'?'

Tom stared at Selene before shaking his head.

'Nothing,' he said flatly. 'There's nothing you can do because you're just a pathetic little mudblood and that's how you'll remain. Nothing you can do will ever change that. It's good that you finally realised this about yourself, though.'

And with that, he stormed off. He was fed up with people interrupting him.

Malkin tapped her foot impatiently. She was annoyed because Alphard was late. Seeing as this meeting was his suggestion in the first place, she felt that it was extremely rude of him to keep her waiting.

Suddenly, there was a rustling of leaves and she turned around to see Alphard stumbling through the trees, into the clearing.

Slowly, she lowered the hood of her cloak. Alphard's face paled as he looked at her.

'H…hi,' he said sadly.

Malkin's heart sped up erratically and she now remembered why she didn't want to meet Alphard—

Because, no matter how much she lied to herself that she was over him and everything that happened, she really wasn't.

Not at all.

She still had dreams where they would put everything behind them and start afresh; where their relationship was not poisoned by the past…

And nothing was worse than that ache she felt when she saw him.

But, no matter what she felt and wanted, she knew that the relationship was gone. It had been poisoned beyond repair and nothing good would come out of attempting to revive it.

'Hello,' she said shortly, not looking at him. 'You wanted to talk?'

Alphard swallowed.

'Yes,' he said hoarsely. 'You've been ignoring me. Why?'

Malkin clenched her fists.

'Because what happened between us was a mistake- from the very beginning.'

Alphard shook his head and walked closer to her.

'Don't say that,' he said softly.

But Malkin shook her head and tried to ignore the uncomfortable pricking at her eyes.

'No, it's true,' she said thickly. 'It was wrong- and what happened in Hogsmeade was wrong.'

Alphard sighed.

'I know,' he said. 'I know it wasn't a good start, but we can start afresh, can't we?'

Malkin sniffed. This was exactly what she wished could happen, but knew would never work.

She turned to face him sadly.

'No,' she said softly. 'We can't. I'm sorry.'

Alphard's shoulders slumped. He wondered how it was that he had never noticed just how beautiful Malkin was when they were together- her cream complexion, her dark, shiny hair…

'So that's it, then?' Alphard said dully. 'All that and… nothing?'

Malkin nodded, feeling her something in her chest twisting painfully.

'No one can ever know,' she said, her voice gravelly. 'Do you understand?'

Alphard stared at her blankly and Malkin suddenly threw up her arms.

'Well what do you expect, Alphie?' she shouted. 'Each time I see you, I'm just reminded of how low I once sunk. It's not your fault it's just… me. I can't change the way I feel about what happened.'

She wiped her teary eyes and sighed.

'Look,' she said quietly. 'It's just better this way. I'm sorry.'

And with that, she left Alphard even more broken-hearted than before.

'And the square root of 144 is…'

'Pst.'

Alphard ignored Selene, as he had for the past two weeks.

Selene frowned.

'You know, you're being quite rude.'

Alphard looked up at Selene, his eyes doleful. Selene raised her eyebrows.

'What happened to square root of 144 is…'

'Pst.'

Alphard ignored Selene, as he had for the past two weeks.

Selene frowned.

'You know, you're being quite rude.'

Alphard looked up at Selene, his eyes doleful.

'What happened to you?'

Alphard sighed.

'Nothing.'

Selene raised her eyebrows.

'Nothing?' she repeated, in disbelief.

'Yes. Nothing.'

'So why are you in such a strop?'

'Because.'

'Because what?'

Alphard ran a hand through his hair.

'Have you always been this annoying?'

Selene shrugged, smiling innocently. Alphard couldn't help smiling a little.

'There! You were upset, and I got you to smile. My work is done,' Selene said happily, turning her attention back to the class.

Alphard stared at Selene, but then felt someone else watching him and turned around to see Malkin looking away quickly.

'You can be annoying at times, but thank you- I needed a smile today,' he whispered to Selene.

Selene couldn't help blushing.

The OWL exams crept upon the Fifth years without their realising it. Soon, the Common Rooms were filled with Fifth years pouring obsessively over their text books.

Hogsmeade weekends were put on hold and the Hospital Wing was once again busy- this time with students suffering from nervous breakdown.

'Ugh,' Selene groaned as she emerged from the bathroom.

Malkin screwed up her nose, but her lips were twitching.

'Did you eat something strange?' Augusta asked Selene, looking concerned.

Selene groaned again and sunk onto her bed, her hands shaking.

'No,' Malkin said. 'Selene throws up when she's nervous. She's a bit strange in that way.'

Selene threw Malkin a dirty look.

'Thanks for your support, Malkin dear,' she croaked sarcastically.

Malkin pouted and went over to Selene's bed. She conjured up a wet towel and wiped Selene's brow with it.

'Would you like me to sing whilst I do this, as well?' Malkin enquired.

Selene slapped Malkin's hands away, but smiled a little nonetheless.

Suddenly, her smile disappeared and she ran back to the bathroom. Soon, everyone in the dorm was once again shivering at the retching sounds Selene was making.

'Selene, stop it!' Malkin shouted, covering her ears. 'You have no reason to be nervous. You'll do fine in your exams.'

Panting, Selene appeared at the door again.

'No,' she gasped. 'I never pay any attention during Arithmancy.'

'Sure you do.'

'No, I don't! I'm always too distracted by that sodding Alphard Black!'

Malkin's face fell. She then forced a smile.

'Even so,' she said. 'I'm sure you'll at least pass.'

Selene sighed and went back to her bed.

'If I can at least pass… that's all I want.'

'Dear me.'

'Tell me about it.'

Selene and Malkin looked up from their exam results at each other.

'I think it's time we started studying,' Malkin said slowly.

'Hmm,' Selene said, scratching her head. 'I mean… I knew I wasn't good at Arithmancy, but I never thought that I was as bad as 'Troll'!'

Malkin pursed her lips.

'It's that stupid Black. He distracted me by smiling at me during the exam- and then I kept thinking of how I should have paid attention during classes and…'

Selene paused, frowning.

'I can't blame him, can I?' she said miserably.

'I can,' Malkin muttered.

'Eh?'

Malkin shook her head.

'No. We have no one but ourselves to blame for this,' Malkin said. 'Next year, we're going to try much harder.'

They both looked up as the compartment door opened.

It was Tom, and he looked very irritated.

'Hello Tom,' Selene said, nodding formally.

'I'm not coming with you to the orphanage,' was all he offered. 'So don't wait for me to share a taxi.'

Selene looked surprised.

'You're not coming back?' she asked, standing up. 'Where are you going?'

Tom cast a glance at Malkin, and Selene rolled her eyes and walked out of the compartment.

'Well?' she enquired.

'What I do is none of your business,' Tom said shortly. 'I will eventually come back to the orphanage, but not for the first few weeks.'

Selene stared at Tom, and then her mouth became a thin line.

'What are you up to, Tom?' she said severely.

'As I said,' Tom said. 'It's none of your business.'

Selene snorted.

'Well that's just something you'd say, isn't it? You never think of anyone but yourself, Tom.'

Tom rolled his eyes.

'That's because I have no one else to think of,' he retorted.

Selene shook her head.

'No, that's not true- anyway. What do you expect me to say when they ask me why you haven't returned?'

Tom sighed impatiently.

'Are you really that incompetent? Just make up any old story.'

Selene glared at him, but then a small smile came to her lips as she realised that she actually could make up 'any old story'…

She was going to have quite a lot of fun with this.

'Okay then. Have fun with whatever you're doing,' she said brightly, turning to go back into her compartment.

Tom grabbed her arm.

'Why are you smiling?' he asked suspiciously.

Selene shrugged, avoiding his eyes.

'Oh, I just remembered something I wanted to tell Malkin. You wouldn't find it funny.'

Tom watched her carefully, but let go of her arm all the same. They moved to the side of the aisle as a group of Ravenclaws walked past.

'Selene?'

Selene looked up to see Alphard and smiled genially at him.

'Hey Alphard. Have a good summer,' she said, blushing as she realised that Tom was still standing next to her.

Alphard's eyes wandered to Tom. They exchanged a very cold look, before Alphard returned his attention to Selene.

'What are you doing out here?' Alphard said suspiciously, eyeing Tom warily.

'Just organising things for the holidays.'

'It's none of your business.'

Selene bit her lip. Although she was never nervous around Tom herself, she was always nervous when someone else was around him.

She smiled carefully at Alphard.

'I'll see you round, Alphard. Have a good break,' she said, hoping he would take the hint.

Alphard stared at the both of them again, but then finally left when Sean came back to see what was keeping him.

'What a fool,' Tom said softly, as he watched Alphard's retreating back.

Selene frowned.

'Don't say that,' she said. 'He's very nice.'

Tom raised an eyebrow, but decided that he didn't care enough to argue the matter.

'Are we done?' Selene asked.

Tom nodded and turned to leave. He then stopped and turned to face Selene.

He cleared his throat.

'There's something I've been meaning to ask you,' he said, keeping his gaze fixed on her eyes.'

Selene raised her eyebrows.

'Oh?'

He nodded.

'Do you maybe remember anything from that day you were petrified?'

Selene's face paled and she took a step back from him.

'No,' she said carefully. 'Why?'

Tom shrugged.

'Never mind…'

'You were given an award,' Selene interrupted quickly. 'You had something to do with it.'

Tom shrugged.

'If I did, I'm not allowed to say anything about it.'

Selene stared at him severely.

'Tom, I'm not stupid. I can do two and two- they've blamed Hagrid for it.'

Tom smiled patronisingly at Selene.

'I'll see you in a few weeks- unfortunately.'

And, without any further explanation, he left Selene.

She glared at his retreating back.

'I'm definitely going to make up a horrible story about his whereabouts now,' she thought angrily as she threw the door to her compartment open.

'Selene! How lovely to have you back,' Sister Jackie said, welcoming Selene back into the orphanage.

'Thanks, Sister Jackie,' Selene smiled, not feeling quite as happy to be back. 'How have you been?'

'Oh, the same. More screaming babies with no one to love them. It's always been the same.'

Selene frowned, already feeling alone and unwanted.

'But where is Tom?' Sister Jackie said, looking to Selene. 'Is he coming separately?'

Selene's eyes lit up.

'Oh no, Sister. He's taken the first two weeks to travel around Italy with his lover.'

Sister Jackie's eyes widened in shock.

'L…lover?' the nurse stuttered.

Selene smiled.

'Yes.'

Sister Jackie looked thoughtful.

'You know, I never thought that Tom would ever find a lady friend…' she mused.

Selene shook her head.

'Oh,' she laughed. 'Tom's lover isn't a lady- though sometimes it's hard to tell, the way they dress…'

Sister Jackie paled.

'Tom is with…another man?' she whispered.

Selene winked at Sister Jackie.

'Sh,' she said conspiratorially. 'I wasn't supposed to tell anyone- they're very conscious to keep it quiet. You know how unforgiving the English are about such things.'

Sister Jackie opened and shut her mouth, lost for words.

'Thanks for letting me in, sister. I'll just go pack my things,' Selene said brightly, skipping off to the girls' dormitory.

--

Despite the fact that Sister Jackie's reaction to Tom had given Selene something to laugh at, Selene was not happy at the orphanage.

Days when the sun was shining in all her glory were spent scrubbing the floor, helping out with the washing, and reading to the younger orphans. Although Selene knew that this was only fair- the orphanage had raised her and now it was her chance to repay some of their favour- she couldn't help missing Hogwarts.

'Selene,' Mary tugged at her sleeve. 'Why did you leave?'

Selene wiped her sweaty brow and continued to knead the dough.

'I went to school.'

'With that other boy? The scary one?'

Selene smiled kindly at Mary and tapped her little nose with her finger, putting a smear of flour on it.

'Yes. With the scary boy.'

Mary's eyes widened.

'You went to school… with him?'

Selene nodded solemnly and Mary hugged her leg tightly.

'He scares me.'

Selene laughed.

'Well you should just ignore him. I'm sure he's not that bad.'

Mary frowned.

'Has he gone?' she said hopefully.

Selene shook her head.

'No, he's coming back here in a few weeks.'

She was surprised at how hopeful her voice sounded at the thought. Despite the fact that they had never gotten along with each other, Tom had always been there at the orphanage. He had always been there- the only other 'odd, magical child' there.

And as horrible as he always was to her, she couldn't help missing him.

Sighing, Selene put the dough in the oven and washed her hands. As she did so, she looked up at the calendar and wondered how many more days Tom would be away for.

Your quote:

'Tom shivered in disgust as he saw him. It was as though he was looking at an older version of himself, and yet this version was weak and pathetic- a filthy muggle. He had to fight the urge to kill him then and there.'

Please, please, please review! I don't know when I'll be able to update next...

Love Anya