I don't want to steal your freedom

Chapter Six

This is much longer than I wanted it to be but once I began I couldn't stop!

He should go to bed.

He knew that but if he went to bed he won't sleep; he knew that as well. He'd been home a couple of hours now safely hidden in his study. It was in this room that all his secrets dwelt and tonight he had brought new ones to join the others. Here in this room was the real Harry Pearce. The rest of the house was nondescript, a testament to his non-life. There were few photos or mementos on show to even hint at who he was, the décor could best be described as bland it was a house not a home. But in here behind a securely locked door was were the real Harry Pearce came to be himself, in here were photos of his children, a misshapen lump of clay that Graham had brought home from school one day informing him in a very serious voice It's an elephant Daddy after he'd carefully enquired what it was meant to be. There were meticulously mounted newspaper clippings charting Catherine's career as a photo journalist and other small knick knacks, pebbles from their favourite beach in Devon, old dried out conkers that he and Graham had so joyfully collected one crisp autumn afternoon and in the corner lovingly draped over a chair the blanket that he had wrapped both his children in when he first brought them home from hospital. Tucked away in a corner was a new addition to his treasures; a picture of him and Ruth taken at last years Christmas bash on the Grid. It was protocol that any images taken on the Grid had to be passed to him before they were allowed to be viewed by the rest of the team, normally he just glanced at them before passing them back to Malcolm but this time he "liberated" the photo and slipped it into his inside pocket. If Malcolm had noticed one was missing he'd not said anything but then Malcolm was the soul of discretion.

Looking round at all his treasures; the things that reminded him he was human he allowed himself to relax a little. Here in this room was where he could find some much needed comfort and security, here was where he came when he needed to dismiss the world and all the ways in which it hurt him.

Here was where he came when he needed to hang onto his sanity.

Scarlett had met him at the door a yapping, jumping, wriggling bundle of love so happy to see him that it almost made his heart constrict; some of the tensions of the day had ebbed away as he picked up her writhing body and held her close so he could feel her heart beating against his chest. "You love me don't you girl?" he'd crooned to her and she'd not disappointed as she'd licked his face and panted her hot breath on him. He'd stood for a moment in the hall just savouring her warmth and energy before he'd placed her carefully on the floor and asked her in a soft voice "Fancy a quick walk old girl?" At the word walk she'd gone into overdrive dashing up and down the hall like a being possessed and he'd had to speak quite sharply to her to make her stand still enough for him to clip the lead on.

He allowed himself a smile as he thought of the way Scarlett had shot off like a greyhound out of the trap when he'd unclipped the lead once they'd reached the safety of the park. He always felt guilty when he came home after leaving her alone all day but she wasn't really alone. He paid an arm and a leg for a fully vetted dog walking/ sitting service that made sure she went out twice a day and even sat with her when he knew he was going to be home late. And when he was away she was whisked off to her walkers home until he returned. No he was sure that he was more lonely than Scarlett was; and now she was the one who after a walk and her supper was fast asleep in her basket the sound of her snoring drifting along the landing.

He should go to bed he knew that but somehow he just couldn't stop looking at the pictures of Ruth; a very happy Ruth hand in hand with Joseph sodding Armitage as they hailed a taxi to take them back to Ruth's house, Ruth's home. And the more he stared at the image the harder he found it to focus; I'm not crying he admonished himself I'm not crying, I must be coming down with a cold. I need to go to bed now!.

And so heaving himself out of his chair he walked to his concealed wall safe opened it and placed all the information he'd been obsessed with for the last couple of hours safely and securely away before he walked down the landing to his room. Taking himself into the en-suite he quickly showered and cleaned his teeth before tumbling into bed.

Oddly enough he found sleep claiming him soon after he'd turned out the light but not before he'd heard the patter of tiny feet followed by the pressure on his feet as Scarlett settled down at the end of the bed. "Good girl" he muttered "Good girl. You love me don't you." And then blissful oblivion claimed him for a few hours.

Ruth was finding it hard to sleep. She'd been tossing and turning for what felt like hours. The phrase Confession is good for the soul was running through her head on a loop. Well what a load of nonsense that was she thought as she sat up and punched her pillows for the umpteenth time. She'd known when Joe had asked her what was wrong she was going to tell him. She trusted him, she trusted him with her life and her heart and she knew that he wouldn't judge her or think her foolish. She snorted at herself in most unladylike way. Foolish! Well foolish was one word for it; there was also stupid, crazy,ridiculous, irrational the list was endless and any of them would do to describe her feelings for Harry Pearce.

After they left the restaurant and all the way home Joe had been careful not to probe surely sensing her need to gather her thoughts and her need to talk to him in private; if indeed she intended to talk at all. As soon as they were through the front door he moved into the kitchen and put the kettle on while she made sure that the house was secure for the night. She'd been sitting in her favourite chair by the fire when he'd come in with a a plate of biscuits and a couple of mugs of tea on a tray. "I've feed that mad cat of yours" he told her "The bloody thing is lethal. If I didn't know better I'd think it was a trained attack cat!"

He'd made her laugh which was of course just what he'd intended and she'd laughed even more when the "attack cat" stalked into the room tail swishing, a look of total disdain on his face ignoring both of them before he laid down on the hearth rug in front of the fire and commenced the important ritual of grooming himself.

The three of them sat in silence for a while until he spoke "You don't have to tell me Ruth" he said "But I think you want to tell someone and I think that if you tell someone it will become more real and then you can face it. Whatever it is".

"What if I don't want to face it?" she asked him "What if I've decided to ignore it?"

"What in the hope it'll go away?" He'd sighed then before saying "I never had you down as either a coward or an idiot Ruth Evershed but maybe I was wrong." and then he just settled back in his chair and sipped his tea waiting for her to make her decision. He waited and waited and a couple of times he thought that she was going to tell him what was on her mind but each time he thought she was going to speak she turned away and the room lapsed back into an uneasy silence.

"Right ho" he conceded "It seems that it's to my turn first. You can't tell me Ruth that you've not been curious to know why I've flown across the Atlantic to see you at such short notice. No please don't say anything and don't even think that you need to apologise for anything." he told her as he watched her face flush as worry and shame vied for supremacy across her features. "Just let me tell you Ruth." she nodded her agreement and he continued "Well Ms Evershed this confirmed bachelor has meet some one" and his face broke into a wide grin as he rushed on "I met her at Yale, she's damn near perfect, funny, clever, tall, blonde, curvy the full package in fact. And the miracle is I think she likes me!"

"So" she'd asked "What's the problem Joe? There must be a problem, I can tell by the way you're telling me about her that something is not quite right because if it had been simple and straightforward you would have called or written not flown as you said all the way across the Atlantic. Tell me what's wrong so I can help. That's why you're here after all isn't it, for my help?"

"Can I pour myself a drink and would you like one? Our usual do you think? She'd nodded her consent and a few minutes later they were both sitting with generous measures of vodka and lime their tipple of choice from their student days in Oxford.

"She's one of my students." the words had come tumbling out before he'd had a chance to think about them. "She's in her last year and she joined my tutor group at the start of this term. She's very bright and she argued with me from the start. Made me think about some of things that I was just so sure about. She unsettled me Ruth. She looks at me and I feel as though she can see into my very soul. I really tried to ignore my feelings for her but I found myself looking forward to her walking into the room, found myself staring at her and then I realised that she was coming to class early and was always the last to leave and wonder of wonders I began to notice that she was staring at me and I could see what I was feeling mirrored in her eyes. And just lately it seems to have gone up a notch; when I pass papers to her I make sure our hands touch if only for a moment. I stand too close to her sometimes so I can inhale her scent. God I even sound like a pervert to myself! What am I going to do Ruth, what am I going to do?"

"You haven't told her how you feel? She'd asked the question after they'd both finished their drinks and she'd poured them another one.

"I've been on the brink of asking her to have dinner with me so many times Ruth but she's young and I'm one of her tutors and I don't want her to be gossiped about and I'm very aware that it will be seen as totally inappropriate if we do by some slim chance start a relationship. There are so many reasons why I should transfer her into another group but she, her presence in my life has become what makes it worth living. I have never been so happy and so unhappy all at once. What a bloody mess eh?"

"I think I'm in love with my boss." The words had been out of her mouth before she could stop them and it had come as quite a shock to her that she could articulate them to another person. Yeah Gods she'd never even in the midst of her fantasies about Harry said those words out loud. "He's older than me, been divorced, he's got grown up children, he has a reputation for being a real ladies man and he thrills me and frightens me in equal measure. But he makes me want to get up in the morning, he's started to look for me when he comes into the office, and the fingers brushing thing..well we do that as well. The trouble is Joe I don't know what he wants from me. I think, I'm almost sure that he fancies me but if it's just that and I fall into bed with him and we have a couple of months of wild sex and then he decides to move on what am I going to do then? I love my job, I'm fond of the people I work with and if that did happen I'd never be able to look them in the face again. So as you say Joseph what a bloody mess!"

They looked up at each other in a motion that could have been choreographed and laughed together as they had so many times in the past.

"Well I asked first Ruth" he said "What am I going to do. Come on at least give me a hint. And stop that bloody cat staring at me like that it's bloody unnerving."

"He's a pussy cat" said Ruth as she reached down to tickle the cat who rolled over in ecstasy as she tickled his tummy. "I think you know what you have to do Joe" she said "It would be totally inappropriate for you to begin a relationship with...You've not told me her name Joseph. What's the young lady called?"

"Her name is Maddie, Maddie Rochester.

"Well as I said Joe you already know what you've got to do. You have to wait until she's graduated and only then can you think about courting her."

"Courting her Ruth? What a quaint old fashioned term that is. And what am I going to do if she decides that she doesn't want to wait for me and she goes off with one of the pimply muscle bound youths she mixes with? What then Ruth?"

"That might never happen Joe and if it does it means that it was all for the best and she's just got a bit of a crush on you and you're reading too much into the whole situation. It will hurt like hell and it will cut your very soul but you'll survive Joe. And anyway it won't happen like that will it? How long till she graduates? Not long and then you can court her properly and no one but no one can say anything to you or her. Just make sure you invite me to the wedding."

"You make it sound so easy Ruth and I'll think about all that you've said but if it's so simple why haven't you gone after the man you want? I can understand your reluctance; and if I know you at all it's a lot to do with not being talked about, about not being the centre of attention but do you think that no one at work has noticed that you have a special connection with this man? And another thing what's this Romeos name? "

"It's Harry. Harry Pearce. And now that you mention it they always seem to send me into his office when there's bad news to be shared, when he's in a really foul mood it's me who takes him in a cup of tea and just lately when we have team meetings they always leave the seat next to Harry for me to sit in and when we go to the pub we always end up together; of course that's probably because the rest of the team are so young and they most likely think I'm more Harry's age, so you can't really read anything into that can you?"

"You're rambling Ms. Evershed" he said his voice enthused with amusement and affection "It seems to me that your colleagues already know that you like him and it seems to me that they think he likes you. Is he a shouter, yes I thought so. Does he shout at you? No. Well there we have it. I rest my case. The man obviously has feelings for you. Maybe Ruth Evershed you should take your own advice and court him?"

At that last remark she'd stood saying "Now you're just being silly Joe. It's no laughing matter. How am I supposed to do that? Really if you can't be more help I'm going to bed. Goodnight Joe!"

And now she lay in the dark her head spinning from a combination of the wine they'd had with the meal, too much vodka drunk too quickly and Joe's advice that she should court Harry Pearce! What a bloody stupid thing to say. How was she going to do that? She couldn't string a complete sentence together when she was alone with him unless it was about work. Would she ever sleep again? She was starting to think she wouldn't when the door opened just a crack and a she felt a tiny dip in the mattress followed by the subtle movements of a cat as it settled down by her feet.

"Oh Fidget" she muttered "Why can't things be simple and straightforward. Why did I have to fall in love with him?" In answer Fidget merely purred loudly and that sound was the last thing she heard as she drifted into sleep.

Just a note to say many thanks to everyone who has left reviews for this story. Everyone is like a gift. Thank You!