August 23rd

I wake to the sound of a far away thunder wondering why this secret in your heart, why don't you let me share your thoughts? Something strange is going on, maybe something you've gone through? So often sadness in your eyes, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to...

Sometimes I wish I could understand him better. At any rate, I better get ready. Shower, shower. Oh, where did I put my slippers? Ah, there they are. The mornings are getting slightly darker by each day. I guess August is really coming to an end.

Hopefully things will get better later today. This awful weather doesn't suit the occasion at all. Well, at the end of the day, I guess it can't be helped. "Good morning!" Hmmm? "Oh, good morning Alex, Susan. Did you two sleep well?" Who'd thought those two sleepyhead's would be up so early. Guess the thunderstorm must have shaken them out of bed.

"Not so bad, all things considered. Alex was snoring less than usual." He, he, he. Susan has a sharp tongue for a girl. Hopefully she'll outgrow that trait later or she could get in some real trouble. "Hey! That's so mean of you, Susan!" And of course Alex is easy to embarrass. There is never a dull moment with that duo around. "I think I need to get a haircut soon." Idle chatter in the morning shower. I prefer mine with some peace and quiet, but this is a nice change of pace.

Let's see, thankfully I'm going to have just theory classes today, so I don't need to worry about getting my uniform dirty or work up a sweat. Didn't I have some perfume samples from the store around here somewhere? No, I borrowed that to Xu. Big mistake. I honestly don't know what she does with the perfume I borrow her. Drink it perhaps? Sometimes I do wonder, since no one can empty a perfume bottle as fast as she.

No matter. The deodorant and shampoo should get me through the day. I can always freshen up during lunch. What time is it? No worries then, I've still got plenty of time. If I'm smart, I'll do the bed now and... maybe it's time to change the sheets? They don't smell, so lets leave them for a couple of nights.

For first class I promised to help out instructor Brian with radio communication. The freshmen need to get the hang of the Phonetic Alphabet. Speaking of which, I haven't used it myself for a while, how did it go? Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel... erm... Indigo, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike... what's that crowd doing there? A fight? Don't tell me...?

Oh my..! Squall and Seifer, even this early in the morning. When will they ever learn? "C'mon, stop trying to hit and just hit me!" For the love of...! If one of the Garden Faculty sees this, they'll be in trouble deep. If instructor Tsugumi gets the sniff of this, they'll be nailed to the nearest wall with their own bones. I have to get through and break them up, they shouldn't be doing this, not today of all days.

"OOOH! That's gotta hurt!" Huh? Who hit who? Is it bad? I can't see a thing. "Well, well, well... guess I better give you the pleasure of drawing first blood, Squall. That was a good one, coming from a steep angle like that." Squall, please just this once, walk away. "What's with that glare? Ready for round two? I can go on all day long with you Squall, since you can't hit shit."

Squall, DON'T!! No you'll... fall for his trap. Now look at what mess you're in, he's holding you down with his own weight. "Seifer!" He doesn't hear me over this crowd. Darn these freshmen, can't they see how serious this is? "..and 6 and 7 and 8 aaaaaand...! 9! Wow, nine punches and you're still glaring like nobody's business. You're a though cookie Squall, but I'll break you."

I think I'm going to get sick. He looks awful with the nosebleed and it looks like he might have bitten his lip as well. "Uh-oh! Faculty at 7 o'clock, scram people!" Gone like snowflakes in the blizzard. When push comes to shove, the freshmen run away. "What is going on here?!" I better step up and explain, it would be a disaster if Seifer came with a quick remark now. "Excuse me, I can explain." Yikes, this guy is in a really cranky mood, his eyes are telling me to drop dead. SeeD's from the discipline committee, this isn't going to be pretty.

Just let it go Squall, they'll take Seifer since he's the one that was on top of you, just stay calm. No, no, no! Don't go after him! "Seifer!" Awh, why did you have to punch him the stomach?! "Wooo-hooo! That's the spirit Squall, come get me, come and get me real good!" Right now I could...! "Seifer, shut up!" "Everyone, quiet! Take them away and you young lady, get to your class!" Guess this is all I can do for you now. "Yes sir." I salute like I've always done since I was eight years old.

Do you always have to be alone just by yourself, just you alone, why don't you let me in? Do you have always have to go away so far away, so far away – why can't you stay? I'm always left standing here, seeing you go away, either by yourself or someone takes you away.

As I expected, the leading topic over the breakfast table is Seifer and Squall's fight in the hallway. It'll take at least another month before the freshmen get used to those to grasping at each others throats every now and then. What is it with them? Hyne, I don't get it, not at all! Thunderstorm, terrible weather, a fist fight before breakfast and my toast got burned. Why all this, now, today? Couldn't it have been postponed until sometime next week? Is that too much to ask for?

I'll have to check on those two during lunch. Lets see if I can get Xu to do some research for me. Where is she anyway? She's not sitting with the other instructors and I don't see her at the cafeteria counter either, so where in the world...? Fine, I'll ask for her then. "Excuse me, ma'am." Better cut into their conversation while it is still merry. Looks like the news about Squall's fight hasn't reached them, yet. "Where is instructor Xu?"

"Xu you say? Didn't she call in sic today, Mike?" Oh great. "Yeah, it couldn't be helped. She had to wade into that river late last night to catch those two students that were violating curfew." This really IS one of those days, now isn't it? "Well, there you have it. I could drop her a message if you'd like." No, no... that's fine. I'll just... play it by ear, see if I can keep track of the gossip and check with Dr Kadowaki during lunch break. "Never mind, it wasn't anything important. It can wait. If you'll excuse me."

Instructor Brian's class will start soon, so I better get going. Isn't that Zell fellow in his class? I dare say that he is. If anyone can brighten my mood, it would have to be him. "Good morning Zell, how are you" Hope that didn't come out as false as my cheerfulness really is. "Huh? Oh hi! Yeah, I'm all good y'know, fit for fight." Lively indeed, I wonder how he does it? It's like he's this... ball of positive energy. Squall could learn a thing or two from him.

Ouch! What was that? "Hey you! Watch it where you're going man!" Heh, Zell caught me. Good reflexes. "I'm late for class, y'know!" No wonder I was knocked over, Raijin's large frame could bring down a house if he hit it with full force. "What? Are you an idiot or something? Class doesn't start until the instructor comes in, everyone knows that!" Zell has a heart of gold, but his temper is infernal and has a rapid climb.

"Zell, it's okay. I'm sure Raijin has his reasons." Better smooth things over, I don't want this to turn into another fist fight. "Yeah, but..." What's with those puppy eyes? Suddenly I'm the bad guy? Well, whatever. "Even so, you shouldn't run in the hallways like that Raijin." Oh my. Raijin is blushing so hard, he'll get a nosebleed any second. Perhaps he isn't too used to girls?

And there comes instructor Brian. "Come on you two, lets take our seats." Zell on my left, Raijin on my right. Now there won't be any trouble at all. Raijin is just as old as me, though he still has to take the basic classes like all other freshmen. If he'd just be a little bit more conscious of his surroundings and less self-centered, he'll reach far. There are plenty of clients who think only in terms of brute strength, which would put Raijin pretty high on their list.

I wonder how Squall is doing? Guess he's getting chewed out by instructor Tsugumi for sure. At least he'll be better off than Seifer, who can't keep his mouth shut when he gets yelled at. Though instructor Tsugumi might be the rule that confirms the exception. "Alright class, lets begin. Divide into groups and review the lessons on your terminals. Ask if you have any questions." Well, back to class then.

Look at those two, Zell and Raijin. They work hard to understand the alien language of military communications. I guess I can't rest now, it would look bad. "Okay then, first we'll start with proper speech..."

Thank goodness the class ended. I'm beat and starving. At least now most of the class won't have too much trouble with the upcoming test. Right, now I'll grab a bite for lunch and snoop about for some news regarding Squall and Seifer. "Excuse me! Could you please hold the elevator?" I press my hand against the edge of the elevator door to hold it open. Another candidate like myself, Aya her name is I think.

She usually hangs out with this... what's his name again? He's in... Xu's class I think, or do I just believe that because Xu loves to gossip about him? Why can't I remember his name? How annoying. "Phew, thanks a lot." I give her a smile. "No problem."

There's something about this silence. It feels a bit awkward. "It'll be good with some food, I'm starving myself." Uh-oh, she's up to something, I can tell. "Say, weren't you in the cafeteria committee last year?" Here it comes. "Yes, that's right. I was only there for 4 months though. It crashed with my studies." Not to mention turning the cafeteria into a battlefield.

"So, you're not a member?" Is that what she's after? My spare time. I hardly have any, thank you very much. "Yes and no. I don't cook, but I do help out with the menu, cleaning and I step in on special occasions." Maybe, just maybe I can weasel my way out of this one. Has this elevator always been this slow?

Finally, we arrived. Lets see if we can change the subject here. "Your name was Aya, right? I heard instructor Xu was sick earlier today, so who had your class?" And we're off. "Yeah, we had this odd fellow. Never really caught his name, but he had recently lost his instructors license or whatever reason. What a looser." Ouch, I bet Kojiroh Amagi would cry if he heard what the girls really think of him.

Must be hard, to loose something like an instructors license and then walk amongst you fellow SeeD, partially labeled a failure. Only thing worse than being alone is to be alone in a crowd. "We were told that it wasn't anything serious, just a late summer flu. Instructor Xu will be back either tomorrow or the day after that." She sounds happy when she speaks of Xu. Guess she treats her students with care.

Holy Hyne under Lunar Cry, what a queue. We'll be old and gray before we even can get within sight of the counter. "Hey Aya, you're late!" Ah, there he is, Aya's friend. Erm, I still can't remember his name. How embarrassing. "Calintz, jeez who are you calling late, running out of class 10 minutes before it ends?" Another good duo. I wonder if their friendship will mature into something deeper later on? They would make a sweet couple.

Well then, about that queue. "So at any rate, I bought you lunch." Look at those two, guess that is what friends are for. "What's this? You're going to bribe me with food now, is that it?!" Oh dear, low bloodsugar and a dull class before that. She's going to blow. "Now, now... Aya, I got your favorite, pizza baguette." Slick move, looks like he knows her like the back of his hand, since her ranting stopped.

"If you're pulling some prank, I'll smack you into next month, buster!" Yeah, they'd make a great couple. Seems like these two are having great fun, even if they don't see it themselves. I'll better excuse myself quietly and head over to Xu's place. She'd like some company, plus I can sneak a snack from her fridge.

I come here so often that the Garden Faculties rarely asks questions. Normally a student would be asked what business he has in the instructors dorm, since it strictly speaking is off limits to SeeD candidates. Lets see, here's Xu's room. "Who is it?" My, my. Xu sounds as if she has swallowed a whole desert. "It's me, can I come in?" I might get sick because of this. Better make an early night to kill off the flu before it gets a foothold. "Sure, sure." As laid-back as usual.

Curtains are closed and the room is pitch black. The gloomy weather isn't really letting much light getting through in the first place. "Could you be a darling and get me a glass of water? I need to take some medication and these pills won't go down unless I flush them down like a toilet seat." Okay, I guess that must be the fever doing most of the talking.

"What in the world got you to wade into a river late at night? I heard something about curfew violation, but even so." I go into the bathroom to get a glass of water, letting the water run for a while to get it nice and cold. "It was that darn Seifer again, this time he nagged Squall enough to get into a wild chase all over the dorm and then outdoors." I pause, filling the glass over the edge and letting the water run free. It feels cold over my fingers.

Did Squall and Seifer keep it going from around curfew until this morning? What are those two made of? "Of course Seifer was just more pumped up with a couple of instructors hot on his tail, in addition to Squall. There was no way he'd pass on the chance to show off, so he pulled all sorts of stunts to keep us close, but not close enough to catch him." I can imagine that Squall wouldn't want to loose to Seifer and followed his lead.

I had over the glass and Xu takes her pills. "Awh, I feel like I've been roadkilled six times over and then scratched off the road." True that you don't look too good, but I think you're exaggerating. After all, it's just the flu. "I take it that instructor Tsugumi joined you in your chase after Squall and Seifer?"

Xu snorts in disgust. "If she had, that one armed devil would have cracked a hole in the earth in the process. She has no concept for gentle touch. No, she just laughed us in the face and said she'd consider it training before she went back to bed." What a surprising decision. Then again, they're both suppose to be Gunblade specialists, so it is expected that they'll top of the line when or if they graduate, even amongst the ranks of SeeD.

It is possible that instructor Tsugumi is actually debriefing them rather than scolding them. While learning by doing has been the philosophy of Garden since it began taking in students, instructor Tsugumi is taking it too far. I better go and check it out. "Are you going to be alright Xu? Do you need anything?" I can always drop by later or even get excused from class for a while at least.

"Nope, I just need some good old sleep. I feel like I could sleep until infinity ended, so you can just go and check on your darlin' prince." Honestly! I won't hit a sick person, but I'll get even with you for that one Xu, mark my words.

I've still got time left from my lunch break. Besides instructor Alicia is, sad to say, directionally challenged, so she's usually always late for class. If she hadn't been a master in mechanical war machines and combat A.I, she'd never be a SeeD. Guess you can be a SeeD, even if you're just sitting behind a desk analyzing data from the field.

Here it is, the discipline committee room. Better knock I suppo... "What do you want?" Yikes! Guess there's no point in trying to sneak up on instructor Tsugumi, even if you're hiding behind a soundproof door. "I..." Uh-oh, what do I say? Her glare has turned my brain to pulp. "Court is in session young lady, none of them will come out until it is over. Return to your class." The door slammed shut. Oh-kay, and Squall has to deal with that woman on a daily basis? No wonder Xu calls her the one armed demon. That was some presence!

I should get going to the library, class will start soon. We'll spend the rest of the time here, studying up on GF's, though as usual they'll ask me to study even more magical items, for use in my Blue Magic. I sometimes wonder if that is a blessing or a curse. It felt terrible, the first time... Anyway! Off to class.

No big surprises here. A stack of books for me to read. How am I ever suppose to learn all of this by heart? No to mention to actually remember any of this out in the field? What am I doing here? I sometimes wish for another life, but... this is it, as far as I know this is all that I've got. Better make the best and most out if it while I still can. Now, study, study, study...

Finally, the dinner bell rings. Oh praise the Heavens, I'm free! At least for today I am. I wonder... about Squall. Is he okay? And what did instructor Tsugumi mean by court being in session? Don't tell me...? They're going to get expelled!? Or – at the very least stand risk of getting expelled? I have to check it out.

Here I am again, in front of the discipline committee's front door. Okay, here goes nothing. "What is it this time? You again?" Guess things have calmed down in there, she doesn't sound so bad now as she did earlier. "Instructor, I thought I'd inform you that dinner is being served at the cafeteria." And I top it off with a flawless salute, so there! Oh? What is this? She hesitates, glances over her shoulder and...?

"Come with me." Eh? H-h-h-hey! Let of my arm, you, you, you! "Ah, instructor?" Darn it, what's with this walking pace anyway? We're striding as if we had some epic monster after us. "You're with the cafeteria committee, isn't that correct?" Pardon? "Eh... well, yes ma'am, to an extent I am." What in the world is this woman thinking?

Are we here to get food for Squall and Seifer? Don't tell me that she made them skip lunch? "Get three extra large portions of the today's special. Use my name if you have to, and meet me back at the discipline committee's office." Okay, extra large would mean that she DID make them skip lunch. They must be starving by now...

Instructor Tsugumi just took off to the infirmary. I've got a bad feeling about this. Better get that food ready fast. "Excuse me!" I'll have to sneak in the queue and get the kitchen staff to understand. "Oh my, that sounds very bad. Just wait a moment and I'll get those plates for you." They're very kind, not to mention skilled. After all, they taught me everything I know about cooking. "Here you are sweetheart, now get going. Those two must be half dead by now."

Of course I'll hurry! Here we are, now I'll just open this door and... Eh? Locked!? "You work fast, that's good." Thank goodness that the instructor doesn't waste anymore time than I do. "Instructor, why is the door locked?" I guess I shouldn't have asked that, but it just popped out. "This is the discipline committee's office, the door automatically locks itself when closed. Security you know." Argh, there's something about her manner of speech that just gets to me.

Kind of reminds me of how Seifer talks, always looking down on others. Oh my...GOD! They're in worse shape than I imagined! "Take this first aid kit and tend to their wounds, when you're done they can eat. Not a moment sooner." You've got to be kidding! They're... they're corpses for crying out loud! "Instructor... I-I can't treat wounds this bad on two people with just one basic first aid kit. They need medical attention, now!"

Uh-oh, there's that glare again, just a thousand times more intense. Hyne, it's like looking into a pair of suns. "You're a SeeD candidate as are they. If you can't do such a basic task and they cannot endure such conditions, then you have no business at this academy!" No argument there, but still... "Instructor, please! The food will get cold, and..."

SLAP!

Wha..? My vision is all blurry, my right cheek burn with pain and my jaw is kind of numb. "Do as you're told!" I won't give you the satisfaction of seeing my tears, never! A crunching sound. She hit my glasses of my face and now she's stepping on them. "Yes ma'am." I can barely press out the words and still maintain my composure. This will take everything I've got, not to cry.

In a place of refuge where no one's allowed – somewhere in your heart, where no helping hands will reach you – in your silent desert land. As captain of a peaceful phantom ship in a proud and senseless soul, how am I supposed to help you? I don't know what to do, I don't know what to...

I sink down in front of Seifer and tend to his wounds. His face is beaten, swollen, cut and bruised. The cotton dots soaked in sterile fluid stings and his face stiffens as I gently pat over his cuts. Then I notice the foul smell and see that he has vomit in his lap. I can't let them see or hear me cry, I just can't.

Do you always have to be alone, just by yourself, just you alone? Why don't you let me in? Do you always have to go away, so far away, so far away? Why can't you stay? How am I supposed to help you, when you're in your desert land? How am I supposed to help you? I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do.

I ration the cotton and bandages as best I can, to leave some for Squall's injuries as well. "Work faster, for as you said earlier, the food is getting cold." Instructor Tsugumi just watches from the background. I'm no student of hers, why am I ordered around by that, that...! "Haste makes waste I always say, so I rarely hurry." Eat that!

Do you always have to be alone, just by yourself, just you alone? Why don't you let me in? Do you always have to go away, so far away, so far away? Why can't you stay?

Squall... I think I could die. Why won't you say something? Why won't you look at me? Why have you drawn into your world, where I can't reach you? My hands are trembling, I can feel that I'm closing in fast on my emotional limit. Endure it, it will be over soon. Please, just a few more minutes.

No, Hyne please have mercy! He's raising his head. His eyes are sore either from Seifer's beating earlier or form whatever he went through after he came here. No, don't look at me! I can't... I just can't take it! If you look at me now I'll...

Our eyes meet and I wonder... can you see it Squall, the questions that echo behind my eyes? Do you always have to be alone, just by yourself, just you alone?! Why don't you let me in?! Do you always have to go away, so far away, so far away?! Why can't you stay?!

A strong hand plants a iron clad grip on my left shoulder. "Enjoy your meal gentlemen. I expect you to hand in the dishes to the cafeteria when you're done, before reporting to the infirmary for further treatment." Instructor Tsugumi yanks me up to my feet and half drags me to the exit. Last I see is Squall sitting in a miserable looking, hunched over position and then the door closed.

I'm shaken back to my senses, quite literary. Instructor Tsugumi's face is close to mine, but her face is still lost in a fog of blur. "Head over to the infirmary and straighten yourself up. While you're at it, tell the doctor that she'll get patience soon and what state their in." All I want to do now is to cry, crack my heart open and let it all flow out. I don't want to carry this darkness, this.. whatever it might be that weighs heavy on my heart.

Shaken to the core, I somehow manage to cross the main hall and find my way to the infirmary. Thankfully most students are not in the main hall, so there won't be much of a circus because of this. Not for me, Squall or Seifer. Their injuries, although cruel to behold, were not severe.

Some proper healing items or a couple of cure spells and they'd be back to normal after a long nights rest. What little will be left after the treatment can be explained away by referring to the fight this morning. I must admit it, instructor Tsugumi is one cunning woman, covering her tracks like that for something like this.

Would Squall talk? Never, it would ruin his training and he'd never do anything that would hurt Garden. He had probably already embraced it as part of his training. Would Seifer talk? Never, he'd never loose anything to Squall. If he could endure, so would Seifer. Would I talk? Someday, but by then instructor Tsugumi would be too old to be in SeeD and the incident would be a thing of the past. The fact that it came into public view would be dismissed as a detail, nothing earth shattering.

Headmaster Cid would not be in power when that day came, and even if he would be, his influence would most likely be greatly reduced. His presence on the board would be a formality, a show for the public and for the clients. There would be puppet masters, pulling his strings.

Finally, I made it. Dr Kadowaki makes big eyes of shock to see my staggering entrance. So much for the goddess of Balamb Garden, huh? "My God girl, what has happened to you?!" She demanded. With a trembling voice dancing at the border of tearful breakdown I explain as best as I can what has happened. I can see that she doesn't approve one bit of what has been going on, but she's unable to do anything about it.

SeeD's are the military elite, Gunblade specialists are the ultimate SeeD, so of course they're pushed harder and longer than anyone else. How long have I been sitting here, taking deep breaths and swallowing down my tearful breakdown? Funny how time sometimes looses its meaning. The door slides open and I rise slowly.

Seifer comes in first, he makes no attempt in putting up a false show. He's been broken open and left to bleed. Dr Kadowaki leads him to the bed, he groans as he sinks into the white bed sheets. Squall rests his battered frame in the doorway. He tries to be strong, but I can see that he's really pushing himself.

I walk up to him and try to lure one of his arms over my shoulders so he can rest wile I lead him to the spare bed. His arm hangs loosely at his side, as if he has no strength to do anything about it. "...Don't." He grunts out at the edge of hearing before taking the handful of steps up to the bed himself and lies down to rest.

How could it come to this, on this day of all days? There's not much I can do, aside from staying out of Dr Kadowaki's way and let her do her job. I watch with mixed feelings as I see the Cure spell casted on their bodies take effect. Not a single scar or bruise is left on either of them when Dr Kadowaki's done, at least no external ones. Hyne knows what scars have been left on their insides and if they'll ever heal.

Although they've been healed, they're both drained from all energy. Seifer has fallen sound asleep and Dr Kadowaki calls over Raijin to help her bring him to his room. While we waited for Raijin to come, I study Squall's face and eyes. They're locked on the ceiling and going back and forth, thinking. He's probably digesting today's impressions and experiences.

Raijin arrives and picks up the sleeping Seifer. He takes with him a note and some medication for Seifer and wishes us a good night. How can this be a good night? I guess I shouldn't take it out on him. He didn't mean anything about, aside from the standard politeness.

Squall rises from bed and gets his bearings. "Take it easy tomorrow, okay?" Dr Kadowaki says to him before handing him a similar note and medication. "I can't just run away." He mumbles in reply before getting to his feet. Dizziness kicks in and I rush to his aid to keep him from falling. "...Don't." He grunts again to me before weakly shoving me away.

I feel like there's something inside me that is slowly dying. "Keep an eye on him until he reaches the dorm, follow him all the way to the bed. I'll give the Garden Faculty a heads up so you two won't be bothered." Dr Kadowaki tells me before ushering me after Squall.

Staying a little behind Squall, I follow his every weak step with worry. I wish... no, for now I'll just have to be content with what I have and take it one step at the time. Please be alright. After a walk that seemed to take a liftetime, I finally saw Squall opening the door to his room at the dorm.

A clock on the wall tells me the time. It's not midnight yet, I still have a few minutes to spare. "Uhm, Squall?" I call after him. He stops and sways a little in the doorframe. "Ha-happy 14th birthday, Squall." I try to tell him as cheerfully as I can. There, I've said it. He closes his door silently and I close in on it to listen if he's okay.

I can tell that he somehow tries to take of his uniform and fold it, but is having difficulties with it because of his weakened state. He flops himself on the bed and falls asleep at last. Sleep well Squall, earned it you have, I silently wish for him.

Gently and quietly I nod my forehead on his door, with each silent thud a question runs through my tired mind; do you always have to go away? Squall can't you stay... Do you always have to be alone, do you always have to go away?