Letters from a Dying Rachel Hudson
Kurt,
I just wanted to start out this letter telling you that I'm currently writing it wearing those designer silk pajamas you gave me last week. Hopefully that makes you proud because I'd so much rather be wearing one of Finn's old football tee shirts. That's not the point of this letter though. I'm going to be straight forward with you, Kurt, because that's what our friendship is like. We don't hide things from each other. Kurt, I'm dying. I can feel it happening. Everyday I wake up I feel like another part of my body isn't there. Does that make any sense? It probably doesn't to you because you've never died before. My whole body hurts. I can't tell Finn, though. Every time I wince he's by my side, asking if there's anything he can do to ease my pain. This is really hard on him, Kurt. I know he tries to act strong for me, but he's allowed to cry sometimes. He tries not to when he's with me. I was crying because I wasn't allowed to see Ellie. It really sucks that she's not old enough, Kurt. I haven't held her in two months. I was crying because I missed her, I'm allowed to miss her, Kurt, she's my daughter. Finn hates seeing me cry. He broke down in front of me. He wouldn't let go of me the rest of the night. Almost like he was trying to prevent my soul from leaving my body. He's not that powerful, Kurt.
I can't tell this to Finn, but I'm so scared. I'm scared to die, Kurt. I'm scared to know what it's going to feel like. I'm scared to leave my whole life behind. I'm scared that Ellie's going to love some other woman more than she loves me. Don't tell Finn that, Kurt, I don't want him to feel bad. Promise me you'll help Finn take care of her. I know you have Ava to take care of, but I think Finn's going to need all the help he can get. Help Ellie when she grows older. Help her with her fashion, because I know you would rather die (too soon?) then let her walk out of the house wearing an outfit Finn put together. I have to admit something, Kurt. I lied to you. I didn't throw away all of Finn's puffy vests when you asked me to. I lied and said I did, but I think he should be able to wear whatever he wants. I like the way he looks in them. I think that was a pretty dumb confession, but I just had to get it off my chest.
I really want you to know how much I appreciate you. I want you to know that I knew you were special from the day I first met you. You were the first person to put up with all of my craziness. You were able to look past my diva attitude and befriend me. I'll never be able to thank you enough for your friendship, Kurt. I still remember high school, when all we did was compete for solos. A lot has changed since then, Kurt. I remember when when we first moved into our tiny shoebox apartment. All those times I cried about Finn, you were there to comfort me. Promise me you'll do that for Finn. I'm really mad at myself. Before things started to get bad I thought believing the cancer would go away would actually cause it to disappear. Life just isn't like that Kurt.
You're my person, Kurt. You're the person I can always count on to cheer me up when I'm sad. You're the person who I can always come to for fashion advice. I need you to promise me you'll help Ellie as she grows into a woman. I know Finn thinks he can do it, but he's not Superman.
This is goodbye, Kurt. I want to thank you for being my first true friend. The first friend who loved me for me and stuck with me through it all. I'll love you forever and always.
With love,
Rachel Hudson