Yukinterlude 01
Rapunzel.
A tale of a princess confined in an ivory tower with no doors. Where the princess gazes upon the world through her one window, letting no one, except her Sorceress Mother come in.
She observes at the world through her window deliberating on its constituents. Day in and day out, as her breath transmogrified to become exhausted exhalations, her only hopes hinging on the stories that her mother brings of her. In return, she sings for her mother, washing away the stresses of her day.
Through her mother, she learned about the world. Through her mother, she understood that the world was dirty. Through her mother, she had learned to fear the world.
Then one day, a prince came upon her ivory tower. She was singing without a care in the world, as there was no world for her to be wary of.
The prince was enamoured by the princess' song.
Asking her to lend down her hair, the prince intruded upon her haven. The princess, understanding that the world was made of a sludge of sin and debauchery, was considerably frightened at his appearance in her life. But underneath that fear, lied an innate curiosity which could kill a cat
The prince wooed her with tales of his adventures. Day and night they conversed about the different viewpoints imposed upon them, whether by experience or by word-of-mouth. Slowly, the prince endeared himself to her, with promises that he'll take her out one day to see the world.
Then, a disastrous event happened to both of them.
The Sorceress came down and struck like lightning, pushing the prince out of the tower that made the princess' home.
The prince blinded by the thorns piercing his eyes, crawled slowly out of the underbush.
The sorceress then turned to the princess, asking if that filth had defiled her in anyway. The princess answered, begging for forgiveness.
In the end, the sorceress mother couldn't bear to have an impure daughter, so she threw her out into the wilderness. The princess suffered greatly, wondering if the world she always longed to see, wondering if it was all worth it in the end.
She sang quietly.
For hours she sang in hopes that her song — that she knew alleviated her mother's worries — would soothe her own. She sang for herself, not knowing the dangers of the world around her, immersed in a world of her own.
The prince, blinded from the thorns, and hearing the beautiful sound of the princess' voice, found her. Not knowing anything else, she hugged the prince dearly, crying for him. Her tears managed to clear the prince's eyes, a miracle that made him able to perceive the world around him once more.
The prince took her to his kingdom, and they lived happily ever after.
...No one talked about how the sorceress felt. They knew her as the villain, who would scorn her only daughter away when she learned that someone else had already touched her. It's outside morality.
Yet, the sorceress wasn't her mother at all. She just took care of her as her own, never loving her. She used her as if she was a toy to amuse herself with.
What would a child do with a toy they had broken?
They'd throw it away.
The toy could only hope that they're durable enough to withstand the harsh treatment they receive.
I digress. This isn't about the sorceress. It was about the princess.
What would have happened if the princess never met the prince? Or rather, what if the prince never asked her to go with him?
…
"Averting your gaze from the problem doesn't make it go away!"
This was a sunday.
"Are you sure about this, Yukino-chan?"
A world of boxes.
That was the state of the room I had spent the majority of my life. Cardboard boxes stacked upon one another. They, carrying paraphernalia that I've accumulated throughout my stay in this house, seemingly fixed to each other, never swayed or moved from their spot. The beauty is in the rigidness of the towers built of blocks, that to take one from its place required finesse and care, and to take one meant that to take the toppermost part.
If it were one existence, it merely lost a part of itself to preserve the whole.
I turned to Mother, nodding almost imperceptibly to anyone who viewed this from afar. Despite this, my mother's gaze softened, and she held her fan down.
To many others, it would be seen as her being generous, but to one such as I, who had lived with her and know her mannerisms, she was livid. Like the hammer of a judge, the verdict was struck, and the courtroom silenced.
"I will miss you, your father will miss his little Yukino-chan. Our Haru-chan would, too," her voice, always soft and unmistakable, carried a tone of commandment.
"I understand that Mother, Father, and Onee-chan will worry for me," I said. The words came out practiced. How could they not, for I said this to her nearly every meeting between us? A scene that has been repeated many a time.
"But please bear in mind, that I am doing this for my future. By leaving the nest, I may be able to learn to fly."
My reasons were logical. My mother heard only logic and discarded emotion, lacking not empathy for efficiency. In something that was to be proposed to her, by the heavens or hells themselves, if a hole was found, she would ruthlessly open.
"Very well," I heard Mother say. Once more the room was quiet, only the sounds of shuffling boxes and working footsteps lilted the air.
Yet, I do not understand why Mother goes through this everyday, as I made my reasons as logically sound as I could, and Mother could clearly see that I will follow through with them. There were no holes she could rebuke, no doors of Socratic questioning she could use, for I will always have an answer to it.
But as she turned and left, the flames brewing within my heart were doused.
Hisabari-san looked at me with a frown on his face as he carried one box away from the room. My heart smoldered once more, the sight of his disapproval being the fuel for the flame.
He knows nothing, my cognition said. My heart still blazed in heat, but despite this, I didn't respond with disapproval.
That passage from the Diaries echoed in my mind.
A man running amok loses all his sensibilities. To run amok comes from the word mag-amok, which means to lose one's self into passion and emotion. A man who does that becomes not a man himself, but a monster in men's clothing.
I clutched my nose in anger as my rival in love mocked me for not retaliating. He didn't know who I was. He didn't know what I could do. He most certainly didn't know that I could obliterate him and his existence from the face of the earth. But to lose myself in anger would be to lose myself in its entirety.
I would change irrevocably.
I remember the promise made under the Vaulting Canopy of the Ever Tree.
My emotions were controlled by my mind — anything that I feel was ultimately from my mind — therefore, as long as I see to it that I don't lose control of my mind, and give in to my emotions, I am myself.
Losing control won't help me.
In any case, as the man passed me by, I realized that he was a persona non grata. How foolish of me to be riled up on someone that doesn't matter. In a way, the strength of my mother's influence was strong, too strong.
The fault is not with him.
He doesn't understand the situation itself, he only understood what he could see. In the same way, he's just like me — just like he knows only through what he sees through my mother, I know what I see through her as well.
He was a family man, inferring from his disapproval of my actions. He works several hours, possibly to send his children allowances as they attend a public school, subsidized by the government. He has a loving wife and children who adore him, which is why he couldn't understand what I was doing.
In spite of all of that, I still couldn't understand him fully. I won't bother though as it's not my problem.
"Yukinoshita-sama," a voice called out to me, "we'll fix up your apartment for you for a few more hours, you best use this time to say goodbye to your room. I know I would."
"Please do not make baseless suppositions. I've bid my farewells to the room plenty enough, Karumaki-san. If that is all, you are free to no longer bother me."
"Sure, sure." Footsteps rounded on the stairway, "but you never know when things get bad, y'know." He chuckled. It was a rueful chuckle, perhaps he was reminiscing of an experience he had similar to mine.
No matter.
He's a character whom I no longer will meet after this.
Taking what possibly could be my last sight of my room for a while, I left. A pull from my cheeks told me that I was smiling. Even as the family butler, Karumaki-san, pulled the door for me, I never let the smile leave my face.
A smile is supposed to signal to others of the happiness one has.
I certainly want to show people that I was filled to the brim with happiness.
…
As I walked out of the manor, I was greeted with the sight of my elder sister, Haruno, leaning on her car with that perpetual smile plastered on her face. There was never a time I did not see that smile, to the point I almost believed that it was a permanent fixture on her face.
She wore the clothes of a devil's advocate, and her smile mirrored that of what she was advocating.
Her eyes seemed to lit up brighter than the sun above her once she spotted me. What goes on her mind, I have no clue. I imagined schemes flying around her mind as she looked at me with those sharp, predatory eyes.
What sort of torture will she inflict today, I wonder.
Raising her hand, she beckoned me, "Hiya! Yukino-chan! Onee-chan heard that you were leaving and seeing that I'm also going to university, we won't be seeing each other much so…"
She petted the roof of her car. She rubbed the surface lovingly, sliding down its slick frame.
I appraised the car.
Nee-san's car was pristine as when my parents first bought it to her, and like when I first saw it, it felt slippery. Like a whisk against water, it moves through without much fuss in the air. Its frame nearly covering the wheels, so much so that in imagining it go through roads, I couldn't see the wheels as attached to the car. It was a part of it, as much as the steering wheel was.
A car of machine efficiency, for a woman who cared more for the adventure than the treasure.
"…Why don't me and you go for a trip to town, neh?" she beamed, opening the passenger door of her car — some german coupe — and my smile finally left my face.
After much effort, when I'm finally free of my family, that's the exact moment my sister chose to strike. She wanted to prolong my discontent. I have no idea why she wanted to do that, but I'd rather prefer that she left me alone.
However, I had nothing better to do.
Without saying anything, I entered the passenger seat of her car. The interior of which was welcoming, if a bit extravagant, mirroring her personality completely. Of course, that is, along as she was in control.
Lavender. The car's aroma was a field of lavender in the summer wind, whispering sweetly into the minds of people who enter. Total sensory control, to make an impression as lasting as possible, as if we were dogs to be trained.
Nee-san entered her car without much fanfare, humming a tune that I know comes from her childish obsession with obscure role-playing games. Honestly, where she finds those games remains a mystery to me, and her never-abating interest into forcing me to play them as well.
Air left me as I plopped on the soft seating. A mistake.
"Don't like Promise, neh, Yukino-chan?" she inquired as the car started, rumbling.
"Quintessence was enjoyable," I spoke, reticent at admitting anything to my sister.
Quintessence: the Blighted Venom had an engaging story-line, with interesting characters and beautiful sceneries. It was story-heavy and dramatic, despite its horrendously puerile title. Although, I postulate that because of its name, it was chosen by my sister.
"I see, I see," Nee-san guffawed, smashing a fist on the steering wheel. For a moment, I thought we were heading toward an accident, though my sister remained true to the road. "Remind me to get you another one next time, I think I finally made you see the light of RPG!"
"I shall endeavor to." I shall not, until the day I die.
I gazed out of the window. The world outside blurred and meshed with each other, with the trees being splotches of green and other things, like a painting by Jackson Pollock. The world was colorful, it screamed out to me.
The world was ugly, I answered. The paintings by Jackson Pollock and other contemporaries never appealed to me, because of their lack of form or shape, only having meaning. Meaning is useless without a medium to convey it.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; to me, people lie and writhe, trying to make people conform in notions that lack beauty, however…
"If the world is too ugly for you, change it!"
A forceful hum from my sister brought me out of my musings.
If I had any hopes of a silent car trip, it was dashed away the moment she asked me this.
"Busy day, today, Yukino chan?"
"It was," I said, "managing the laborers is as laborious as the task itself."
"True, which is why Mother delegates her work, you know?" she said, nonchalantly.
Oh, you've never been this direct before. Nee-san, have you finally given up?
Of course not!
If there was one thing we both had in common, even if we were born complete opposites to each other, is that we were both competitive.
That much was provable.
"I'd rather not let anyone touch my personal objects without giving specific instructions in what to do with them first," I answered, creating the most logical response I can. No holes in my defence meant that she had to siege my castle down.
"Don't be like that Yukino-chan, you'll grow old and stiff," she snorted, "live a little."
In the end, she gave up her attack and went toward the wearing my defences. My heart fluttered in my chest as she said that. According to my best estimates, averaging each interaction we have, by the time I wear out, the act of wearing me down would be useless as I already moved out of the house.
I was a shield, blocking the path of the attacks my rival shot at me. None of his attacks entered or broke through my defenses, showing to me, and whoever was watching, that my talents are much greater than his. Even though my face felt bruised, as the balls bombard my face, time was on my side.
Time was on my side.
In any case, it's my win.
"If, by growing old and stiff," I stated, engaging her with banter, "is congruent with having everything perfect, then I shall be the stiffest and the oldest."
A mistake.
"My, my, Yukino-chan," Nee-san glanced at me from my right, catching my eye. Her eyes lit up like a hunter catching their prey with a well-placed trap, and I felt a cold pit form in my stomach. "Cracking jokes, are we? Any reason for your jovial mood today?"
Or was it because I fell into the snake pit she set for me?
Like a slithering snake, her aura of venom slithered around the car, constricting me, even though she would have bitten me already and dealt with me. It was just like her to play with food, before eating it. My food, specifically.
Despite this, I remained steadfast, not giving into fear. My mind cleared itself, and the answer became apparent before my eyes. I had to play the part of the ignorant fool.
"To make an omelette, one must crack some eggs."
"Don't you already know?"
It was demeaning.
She giggled.
"Har, har. I don't think that you leaving us counts as a reason. It's not like you hate us or anything, right?" My elder sister smirked, knowing that she had me enclosed without an opening. With a forced smile, I said,
"I don't hate you, or Mother and Father," my heart was sent through a pile of razor blades, still beating and pumping blood, caring not despite it pumping blood outside the veins. I don't hate my mother and father, nor my sister for that matter, it wasn't that simple. Yet being forced to say this was more demeaning than playing the fool.
Her eyes widened in faux-surprise, and she thumped her chest with an open palm, right above her heart. She knew the right angle to align herself just to show me what she did. A master of manipulation.
She won.
"Then, it must be because you're excited to go out with your dear Nee-chan, right!"
How ruthless.
She giggled. "I love spending time with Yukino-chan too."
If by spend time, you mean relentlessly bother, then I understand why. You're too much, Nee-san. I can endure this no longer.
"Where are we going?" I asked her the one question that has been bothering my mind since the moment I have boarded the car. After seeing the scenery change from the bright greens and polychromatic splotches riddled in, to dark and constant greys, we were heading towards the bigger city proper.
She grinned.
"Isn't it obvious? We're going to the mall!"
The mall? The road signs seemed to point that way as well. There wasn't much that I enjoy being at the ostentatious shopping centers, so my being there is as useless as a screw placed in the wrong area.
"I don't have anything particular that I need to go shopping for, Nee-san,"
"We're not only going shopping in the mall, Yukino-chan," she said, then her grin widened, "though we might get you a little 'new home' gift, neh?"
I won't have any space to put that home gift in if the laborers don't damage anything. Giving me a new home gift for my apartment won't do anything.
"Don't be too generous, Nee-san," I said. Mirroring Mother's words always had a great effect when dealing with elder sister, that in which using it is ammunition against her.
My sister frowned.
I was struck with reality. A hammer to the face, or rather, in this case, a sword to the jugular. It was awe-inspiring, the kind that has both meaning of fear and exultation, at being in the presence of so. In another time, perhaps not in this, I would be extroverted to ask my sister why, offering solace in faux-understanding of a different person — but that time is not this time — and that person is not I.
In this time, instead, I speculated.
Why was she doing that action? What could she gain from showing me that action? Is making me think the end result what she wanted, or is it something else? The masks she wore on her were numerous, indeed, but she rarely showed masks she disliked wearing — like an actress used to the main role, taking the role of a monster in a suit would be insulting.
I know that to her, that action made people lose youth. And it wasn't an indolent observation as well. Her eyes became heavy, and her breathing labored, as if she had lost more than twenty years of her life.
Was it mother's influence? Was it so deliberating that it could bring problems of another person into someone else?
Those at the top — use their power and influence to delegate the hardest tasks to those on the bottom. It's despicable. A person's worth of conundrums can't be carried by another person with equally the same weight.
The task of delegation itself was despicable.
Asking your children to work for you even more so.
And now — my sister is being delegated by Mother for a task I can't fathom. It was possibly a Herculean task. In spite of what those who meet and know her say, I know that my sister was a human like the rest of us.
Despite what I had come to delude myself with, my sister wasn't omnipotent, and Mother has delegated tasks far more heavier than the world Atlas carries.
It shows.
"I know, I know," she said, her tone of voice carried within a tinge of disappointment.
I don't understand, was there something I missed in my conclusion?
What was she exhausted of?
She continued, "Mother basically imprinted herself on you, it's a wonder if you have anything that's 'you' in there. But I finally saw hope, you know, when you said that you wanted to move out."
The way she talked reminded me of a challenge she made for me when we were children. She
said if I could solve a puzzle that she gave me, then I could understand her.
Of course…
"I don't understand."
I can't understand.
Her puzzle pieces were painted milk white and there were thousands, I couldn't put them into place — it wasn't possible.
And there it was, the same look of disappointment she gave me years passed when I told her that it wasn't possible.
"There were many ways to solve this, Yukino-chan."
I can't.
What did she mean?
"Of course, you don't." Her smile reflected off the rear-view mirror, "You're not an onee-chan." The reflection changed as she adjusted it, and it showed the cars behind us, "So you wouldn't understand what your dear Onee-chan feels now?"
I could hear her take a gulp of air.
"You'll always be my cute little sister, though," she said, with finality.
And with that, silence blessed us with his presence. And while I tried to rack my head to exhaustion, pondering whatever double-triple-quadruple meaning she tries to convey to me, I couldn't help but quip.
"It's hard not being a 'cute little sister' when you're the little sister, Nee-san."
She laughed. The familiarity of it brought comfort to my heart, and I reveled in its sound. Despite many things, we were sisters.
"True, true, say have you found a boyfriend yet?" she asked.
How salacious, to ask that of your sister while you yourself do not have. Boldness is what the world would say if the results lead to success, brash, if the results lead to failure.
"I've had none," I answered. "The boys in my class," I waved a hand "my school," my face was now completely staring across the window, "were complete and utter imbeciles."
They weren't sophisticated in thoughts. One could even say that they barely use their brains, seeing as the garbage spouted from their mouths wasn't indicative of any real-life knowledge, or was empirically founded upon through almost religious observation of the world.
Unlike him.
He could see what ails and what could be done to fix them. His eyes, ever described by his peers as disgusting, could only see the world as it truly was.
"You won't find a boyfriend if you don't lower your standards,Yukino-chan," she said, and I could feel her smile seeping through her words.
I retaliated, "I assume that you found yourself one, Nee-san? For you to talk about having a partner so callously, have you lowered your standards to that of the common man, and not of the saints?"
"That's mean!" Nee-san whined. "You don't ask about your Nee-chan's lovelife! That's what we do to our little sisters, don't do a role reversal so suddenly!"
"It's not a role-reversal if there was no script we were following."
"You still don't get it, do you? The world's a stage, and we're all actors for a sick god." Her overly boisterous laughter once again resounded off the windows.
No, if that was the case, then he'd be more of an outside observer than a deity. A person who sees but does not act, when injustice is blatant in front of them, is a person that I can't forgive.
Morally, it is wrong.
Practically — the world ignores it.
"I do not believe in such foolish notions of a deity," I said.
"Ah, well, you're right about that," she agreed, almost readily so. "But I can't help but feel that there's someone above, just writing what we do and how we feel."
"That's grounds for psychotic paranoia, I hope we don't have to send you to the mental ward," I quipped.
Her voice that answered was strangely bemused.
"You never know, Yukino-chan, the world is stranger than you assume."
In the end, I win because I knew that Orimoto loved me. But proving that I loved her back was my goal in this endeavor. My face may be bruised, and myself mocked and jeered, but her smile at me while she helped me up from the ground, like the healer that she was, took away whatever afflicted me.
…
"Do you know what the Universe Simulation theory is?"
We had arrived at the mall. Per usual, I had nothing to do here, as my shopping has been taken care of beforehand, and I didn't need anything at the moment for other pursuits. My sister had other ideas, however.
Where now I sat here, trying to maneuver a virtual car with a plastic steering wheel.
"Of course," I answered. It was a simple enough hypothesis for the world and seemed to be the backbone of several different science fiction stories that nowadays, no person in this world has not heard of it.
The simulation hypothesis proposes that all of reality, including the earth and the universe, is in fact an artificial simulation, most likely a computer simulation.
"Then, you'd know that it also gives more a dilemma than it answers, right?"
A crash to the wall, which would've destroyed my car, and given the driver such a nasty shock to his body, were this real, caused me to lose my built up momentum. This lead me to lose my 7th place, the last place before last place, which I had painstakingly captured before the crash.
"When you look at these games, all these simulacra of reality, and you hear that reality itself may be a game; the phrase 'art imitates life' gains a more depth, don't you agree?"
Turn. Overtake.
"Who would play such a realistic game?"
Turn. Crash.
"I don't know. Masochists would be my first guess — as hilarious as that sounds! — but perhaps the answers may be the most inconspicuous ones."
Turn. The car in front of me lagged in speed. If I keep this up, I may capture 6th place before the finish line.
"What is it?"
Turn. Overtake. Sweat poured from my forehead, its wetness drenching me in the icy arcade environment. Concentration was diverted to ignore the prickly feeling.
I see the another car in front of me.
"Normally, I'll make you think. But seeing that you're currently preoccupied taking 5th place from an NPC, I'll tell you directly…"
Turn.
Overtake.
Crash.
I lost speed, and was overtaken by the two behind me.
I managed to reach the finish line, taking last place. The words 'game over' flashed in bold bright red with linings of dark maroon as the shot of my the leaderboard and the highlights of the race flashed by.
"They're likely to be the ones who wanted a restart in life."
RESTART? The words taunted.
...
Sounds of footsteps clattered up the stairways. My legs ran as fast as it could. My destination, to reach the rooftop of the school, and to stop someone from doing something idiotic.
I found him, standing on the rails, the winds looking like he'd be blown over. It is almost too late.
"Don't!" I screamed out.
He looked at me sadly. "I'm sorry Hachiman, my life ended when Sachi died. I tried. I tried. I tried with difficulty to live for her! In the end though, living the burden of two lives was too burdensome."
"Sachi is still alive!"
The gathering of leaves from wayward winds sounded like something snapped. Several times.
"What?"
But it was too late.
He lost balance and almost plummeted to his death. Instead, he fell face first on the floor of the roof.
"I have a call from HQ. It's said that her body was merely lost in the dungeons. She managed to get out at the last second and a wandering onmyoji healed her back to health!"
He smiled. "She's had a restart, huh."
"No, you can't restart your life. It's not possible. You'd be only prolonging the inevitable, which is disgusting in its own right."
…
"Why are we still here, Nee-san?"
After our escapade at the arcade, Nee-chan dragged me to whichever frivolous shops she could find. Clothes, shoes, women's shops; anything that seized her sight she went to with a smile on her face, my exhausted self following behind her. And with the shopping center being so large, the shops we went through and will go through were seemingly endless.
However, we carried nothing on us. Yes — despite entering many shops in this forsaken place, our hands were still empty. Which, led me to question my sister.
"Hmmm? Oh, we're just window shopping for your welcoming home present."
"... That again Nee-san? I thought I told you I didn't need anything at the moment."
"But gifts are meant to be something that isn't needed, Yukino-chan! That's the whole point of gift-giving. Rather than something that is useful to the person in question, gifts are symbolic of the feelings that the giver carries." If gifts were symbols of the intent that the gift giver has for the person, then why were we at a toy shop. Was this symbolic of you seeing me as a toy, Nee-san?
"Explain to me why we are at a toy-shop, then," I asserted.
Various stuffed animals lined the shelves to my right, and various more robotic toys lined to the left, with two lifelike dolls standing right in the middle. Were someone to spot us, they might want to buy us, though it would be illegal and induce upon ourselves slavery, the cashiers might fail to recognize that we are, indeed, living breathing human beings.
I and my sister had been described many times to be dolls. It was frustrating to hear, like a broken record that sang blackboard scratches to your ear.
"Seeing that clothes, shoes and makeup would be useless to you anyway, I decided to get you a toy!"
"I thought that uselessness was the point of gift-giving?"
"You misunderstand me. I meant that while useless things are usually given to the receiver, the best things are those you'd see them have in their houses. Clothes, shoes and makeup are usually hidden behind something, and you don't need any decorative furniture in your house.
...So Onee-chan thought, "Why not get something that Yukino-chan will remember me by everyday?"
A teddy bear was shoved in front of my face.
"With this, you'll remember me every time you sleep. Think of it as Onee-chan protecting you while she's far away~"
"N-nee-chan."
The teddy bear was taken out of my field of view.
"This isn't right for you though. I need something fierce, something intimidating, so that all the monsters in the night will think twice before messing with my Yukino-chan!"
She started moving away from me, looking through the boy's section of the toy-store. I could hear her mutter something like, "Gundam would protect her right? But I don't think having it transform in the middle of the night and destroying her new apartment would do any good."
Though once she left me, I was once again struck with the realization that without my sister, I had nothing to do. Obviously, standing stiff straight in the middle of a store would make me look stupid, so I decided to wander around, eyeing some of the price tag like as if I was choosing to buy a gift.
Then—
I spotted it.
Something cute.
I held it.
The fur was black and white, two deep contrasts of color that showed the struggles of morality the character had. Eyes and teeth and claws that glinted to you a predatory nature, yet if one were to know who he was, you'd understand that underneath all that — a kind individual roughened by the cruelties of the world. Yet despite this, despite all its flaws, it only emphasized more of its cute nature.
Pan-san!
O' Pan-san, the wonderful panda, heareth my plea. Would thou want to play with me?
He seemed to reply, with that gruff manner of speaking he always had, "My lady, I would do anything to spend time with you—"
"Pan-san~! You like him, Yukino-chan?"
I kicked myself out of the delusion before I did anything that would shame me for life.
"He's wonderful. The perfect example of a character that everyone should follow. If one were to make a character based out of him — with only a fraction of his traits — and made a story, it would soundly demolish the earnings of a horrible excuse of a literature, which is nothing but a self indulgent trash written by a certain imbecile housewife." [1]
"I thought you'd like it, Yukino-chan~" my sister laughed.
It was no laughing matter, Nee-san.
"So, that, eh?" my sister circled around me and the Pan-san plushie. Then she grabbed out of my hands.
No!
"Fierce, strong and powerful," my sister complemented, "has a good side to him too," she continued, brushing some of the artificial fur around his sharp eyes, "kinda like me, so you'd be thinking of me every night when you sleep!"
"Cease your slander!"
"Do you want it or not, Yukino-chan~"
I was faced with two choices. To accept or to not accept. If I were to accept, I would have to accept that my sister was there with me every night. If I didn't, I wouldn't get Pan-san.
"In the end, there wasn't really a choice," I mutter.
"Hmmmm? What was that, Yukino-chan?"
"Get me another toy, just not Pan-san. I don't think I can bear to see him, and then see you above him, every moment I go to sleep," I said.
"That's cruel," Nee-san said. "Then I'll just have to give you something that's more 'me', then~!"
Thus in the end, we only got a toy robot.
…
After heading out of the toy store, after purchasing our things, I could safely say that my sister and I were exhausted. That is correct, my sister is exhausted. Impossible, you might say. But the words of my sister echoed through my mind.
"The world is stranger than it seems"
Of what, she didn't mention.
"Hey," my sister called out, "I'm starving, let's eat over there."
We entered a cafe situated near the entrance of the mall. The cafe was lined with smooth wood, garnished and painted over with graffiti you'd normally find outside on private property walls, and the speakers were blaring barely understandable lyrics under music of what seems to be cannons and trash cans for instruments.
Where did she take me?
The people in the cafe looked like monsters from a Halloween party, with their bright colored hair, piercings and dark lips. Were they vampires? It seemed to be the case, when the waiter greeted us with a toothy grin that showed us his fangs.
Sharp fangs.
I'm surprised his mouth wasn't dripping blood constantly.
I also noticed that people here were wearing what seemed to be loose leather jackets, loose shirts, and loose pants — the fact that every time they move showed more skin than what is possible under public law only made me stare at them.
I looked over at what my sister and I wore.
We stood out like a candle light in the midst of darkness.
" 'Ello" even their manner of speaking was different, what dimension have you sent me? "Seat's 'ere are almost full, you're in luck that we has one table left for occupancy."
Is this their goblin servant? Or did the One Ring cause him to turn out this way? Either way, I feel pity for this fool.
"We'll take that then!" Nee-san smiled at him prettily, and blood rushed to his face. To see him, already dressed as a monster, suddenly turn red, scared me that an Oni was here taking our orders.
"Nee-san," I grabbed my sister's sleeves, hugging to her closer. In response, she smiled and strided to the place where there were no people, and the walls had scratches. She left me behind with this beast!
I slowly walked towards where my sister sat at, mindful of the stares I received. Their judgmental gazes seemed to tell me that I wasn't welcome here, that I was a fool for even entering their safe haven, that this was their territory. I wanted to say that I wasn't here by choice, but I couldn't.
Instead, I glared back at them. I challenged them in their own territory, like a conqueror ready to beat the barbarians and civilize them. They straightened up their backs and pat their pants, all the while averting their gaze away from me; and I was reminded of Julius Caesar's maxim: I came, I saw, I conquered.
As I sat down, my sister said, "Don't you like it here? They're so lively! Thinking of what they do and what they feel entertains me so much, like, how had they led their life before this point?"
"I care not for the rabble that cares not for common decency."
My sister sighed. She lifted up a fork, using it to open a poor man's leather notebook with the sloppily written words 'Menu' on the front. The words scrawled once the contents were revealed looked as if it was written by several five year olds with markers, complete with whatever drawings these five year olds made, along with an assortment of exorbitant prices that made me question the sanity of the people running this establishment.
Perhaps if my sister would throw the menu like that person Kyou would…[2]
The fact that I am questioning them now, after all that I've seen, tells me of how much of a shock this place was.
My sister beckoned the waiter to us. His ghoulish face becoming even more haunting as the lighting near the walls dimmed.
Are they doing a Halloween theme this early in the year?
"Me take yer order, misses," he smiled, his bleached teeth glinting, "prices 'ere completely fair, no doubt."
Fair? These were outrageous! The fact that you have any business at all astounds me. What kind of rituals have you been doing underneath your basements to make this work? Were your faces really a sacrifice for money?
Do you take your business advice from that woman, Suzumiya Haruhi-san? [3]
My sister ordered for us, "I'll have the Crawling in my Skin cake, I've become so numb sandwich and an order of Witches' Blood Potion. Yukino-chan will have...the White Life Force Cream Cake and the I'll pop your cherry cupcake, with an order of Pale Yellow Potion."
What.
Was that a menu or the potions list for a witch?
A few moments later, our meals arrived.
My sister's Crawling in my Skin cake looked like a regular lemon cake, the I've become so Numb sandwich was a regular tuna sandwich, and the Witches' Blood Potion seemed to me to be cranberry juice.
My own White Life Force Cream Cake and I'll pop your cherry cupcake was subsequently a Vanilla and Cherry flavored cake, while my drink looked like lemon juice.
At least I hope it was lemon juice.
The room around me was filled with too much noise that I'm disappointed in our law enforcement that they didn't close down this shop for violations on public noise laws. With the blaring "music" from the speakers and the increased shouting of these gorillas to speak, it was a wonder how anyone was able to hear or speak in here.
My sister, however, managed without much fuss.
As she forked her lemon cake, she said, "These people have lives too, you know. You don't know much about them just to dismiss them like that. They have circumstances that caused them to be this way."
"I do not dismiss them. But I do not wonder how they lead their lives either, I feel that would be too creepy," I said, the surety of my voice reaching her was something I wasn't certain of.
"That's true. You don't know that these are even real conscious people in the first place. They could be pre-programmed characters, NPCs, that merely serves as fodder for a stage to entertain the gods." I strained to hear her speak, the sounds of banging and rocking ever increasing. My eardrums felt like an orchestral tambourine; each beat of the song; each cry of the customers; the noise faded into a monochrome white with her voice being the only guiding light.
I understood her words, however.
"You talk as if you were a main character rather than another side character, Nee-san," I said. The implication that she was an actor in the midst of all the fodder was a foolish one to make, my own principles disagreed with that fundamentally.
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm just another pre-programmed AI thinking that it has sentience, rather than an actual human. You never know with these things," she smiled. Even as I strained to hear her words, the honesty of her words stood out in the inane chatter and gunfired music.
"Is this related to the talk we had earlier?" I said, keeping to the volume I used before.
"It could be. You never really gave your opinion on it," she said.
"Well, what would you define as an actual human, if that were the case?" I asked.
"Strong-willed, unbending to the world and having their own thoughts and opinions as opposed to the masses of sheeple that people are today. Non-conforming, rebellious and free, that's what I think they are," she said.
"Then, wouldn't Mother be one?" To confirm something, this was the quintessential question that I had to ask.
"Mother, huh, she certainly fits the strong willed and unbending traits, but non-conforming, rebellious and free? She's more conforming to society than any one of us."
"...Then you're wrong."
"Even if society tells you that everything was meant to be this way, the fact that people existed that changed the world and how we know it proves that it could be changed still. There's no end to change, only an end in effort."
"Oh? And how would I be wrong?"
"A person who is resistant to change — truly resistant — and hasn't changed in years, has lost the will to do so. Efforts could be made by other parties, but it would only serve a useless purpose. This doesn't mean that they couldn't be changed, however. It merely means one has to put in more effort to change them."
"Only truly extraordinary people can change a person who has no will left to do so."
"You cannot associate being free and rebellious with being human, and then lump strong-willed and unbending at the same time. It's a fallacy to think that someone who has sentience automatically thinks that they are free.
"To say that I don't change is a fallacy."
"A person has different circumstances leading up to their life, the traits that they gain are a byproduct of that, therefore assuming that the simulation was as realistic as possible, then wouldn't those traits be naturally gained?"
I changed a lot. In meaningful ways.
The circumstances of my life before, and now, are different. I am free to do so, because I'm human. I'm human, and that's why I get to choose my life. No one shall dictate it for me, not any more.
If you can't accept that, and belittle me as a human being, than I challenge you for that right again.
She stares at me in surprise. Then she laughs. It was small and barely audible from the ruckus that is this cafe, but to me, it was as loud as dancing giants.
"I'm sure that you're human too, Yukino-chan," I saw my sister smile at me. This time, however, I couldn't see her mask.
"You understand now, Kaori-chan?"
"I don't see what that's gotta do with you playing against Mitaka-kun. It doesn't have anything to do with you not changing. Besides, I like you the way you are."
…
My trip to the mall with my sister had left me with little to no time for my plans. The plan that I meticulously crafted to account for every single factor, giving myself ample amount of time if anything were to go south, had been pushed to the absolute edge of what was possible for me to do.
That day was my final day in the Yukinoshita household, an oppressive and choking place — like a pit of vipers — where the only salvation was getting out. I got out during school time, which was the only time that I could free myself, but that was merely replacing a pit of vipers for a pit of tigers.
No matter where I go, there were always those…
People hate the fact that someone else is better than them, and would delude themselves, and the people around them so.
Another line from the Diaries popped, its words that ring true, bring me nothing but comfort.
What luck, that following a cat to the dumpster had brought me something worth more than the treasures hidden by pirates in the Caribbean. Where wisdom to watch the world with is abundant, and the words simple to understand. Endless was the bravery of Hikigaya Hachiman, the vessel of the Eternally Absent Nameless God, as he attempts to change the world for the better.
The end brought me little hope for the story continuing, as the story ended with Hachiman losing his powers and forgetting his adventures, in the hopes of being one with the people he had so wanted to change.
The last page, when I had read it, felt treacherous. Yet I understood the intent. The vessel was tired. The world he tried to change refused to even show hints of it changing. The idiocy of man becoming more and more apparent as the diary entries became more sparse and colorless, like the world had turned grey for him.
He was desperate to reach his colors, after his promise under the Vaulting Canopy of the Ever Tree was shattered by his love. In the attempt to understand her, he had forsaken his beliefs and memories, in the hope for a reset.
Perhaps. It's all just speculation on my part.
Speculation that may have been disproven.
For I had seen him on the way to school, trying to save a dog, but ultimately fail. He doesn't have his powers anymore. He couldn't heal himself nor the dog, and losing consciousness was something that Hachiman in the book rarely did.
...but I knew that it was him.
There was no mistaking his picture on the back of the diary, dressed in his garb to fight the Organization that threatened to absolve the world through endless war. Only dressed in a Sobu High school uniform.
Fujimi Academy uniforms did not look like Sobu High ones. [4]
Him trying to save that dog from dying was proof enough.
My moving out was meticulously planned. My sister threw a wrench to those plans. But I no longer cared. I had a new plan that my sister couldn't throw a wrench in. Rather, my own conscience did.
I planned to meet him right after school, but I couldn't bear the thought of meeting his parents. It would seem like a mockery of an assassin wanting to finish the job. I knew that I wasn't, but I'd rather not ignite the tempers that were already flared, to begin with.
When I arrived home at the new apartment, I immediately opened the drawer under my bed. Inside was a box filled with items of miscellaneous types. I did not care for those, for the imperative objective I sought was the stack of notebooks on the side.
I opened the one I knew carried the line I was looking for — as these books were known to me by heart — and finding the things I wanted to read became a matter of taking the right notebook from the stack.
There.
Underneath the dim light of the bedroom stand, the words read, "If something was important, and everything was there to stop you from planning on how to do it, then walk to it without a plan. The longer you wait, the worse it might get. "
The unconventional wisdom of Hikigaya Hachiman may be what I needed.
…
Under the dim light of the moon's impetus, the sun's heat and radiance lost as the night falls, the wind became ever so colder. The air clawed at my face as I moved through the icy wind. My exhalations became a visible white cloud of frozen vapor.
Yet I persevere on.
The hospital he was sent to on the Yukinoshita family's behest was a luxury hospital that only the country's rich and powerful may be able to afford to stay a single night at. It was famous enough that such ludicrosity allowed less vacancy. Thus, in its luxury, friends and family may stay nearby on beds near the patient, and visiting hours extended for those not of friends and family.
However, even with the extended visiting time, I was still too late.
There was an added secret benefit for the luxury of the hospital, though. The management, the Miura family, in the vain attempt to make the hospital safer, had added more fire escapes than what is needed for a building that size.
The main building was adorned with two buildings on its side, both taller and more modernized than it. On their sides were the fire escapes I needed to climb.
Thusly, my plan is to navigate those stairs in the hopes of getting close enough to his window. I knew which area he was in. We were the ones that put him in there in the first place.
Inhale. Exhale. I nodded to myself. The rails of the fire escape froze my fingers as soon as I touched it. The first step carried an updraft of icy wind that shredded my skin, though I only felt that way. I kept on, reaching the edge of the window that I knew he was behind in.
Balancing my foot on the ledge and carrying myself there with only my leg was simple. Impeccable balance due to ballet and coordination training to climb mountains made the task as easy as opening a can with a can opener. Now it was merely the time to wait until he opens the window to let me in.
I knocked.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Knock. Knock. Knock-knock.
Knock-knock-knock-knock.
The night grew colder still. How long will he be asleep for? I knocked several times and loudly, he should've been alert enough to hear it. Was his "56th skill: Alertness" truly just a fantasy in his mind? Orimoto-san had many a surprise to him, now that I think about it.
I saw him rise up from his bed languidly, then plop back down as soon as he saw my shadow. What was he doing? This wasn't his behavior during encounters with enemies or something strange! He was supposed to confront it, rather than ignore it and desire for it to go away!
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.
He finally stood up and turned to me.
It was him.
His dead eyes bore straight into my soul, and I felt like I was being appraised, like an object for its worth. I kept my posture confident, as I knew that it was his way to see if I was worth his time. Once sufficient time has passed, I felt that he no longer judged me and was merely contemplating on why I appeared on his window.
I mimicked opening the window.
He looked at me confused.
My exhausted exhalation brought a sheet of vapor on the window. I wiped it away and pantomimed to him what he was supposed to do.
He seemed to get the intent and opened the window graciously. Then when I landed on the ground, he had averted his gaze and laid on his side. It was insulting.
I used his catchphrase. "Averting one's gaze from the problem doesn't solve it, Hikigaya-kun."
Maybe that would jog his memory. It was a long-shot, further than what man was able to reach, yet maybe he would remember who he was then. Of course, I don't think that he'd suddenly gain his powers back, as that would be unrealistic.
He slowly turned to face me. His face was even deader than his eyes. The silvery lunar light glowed his face pale on one side and the darkness clutched his face on the other. From there, I had realized that this was a man being pulled apart by his ideals and reality, that he would rather sleep away his memories than be washed away by them.
Finally, I heard his voice.
Finally… it's just the two of us… Hikigaya-kun [5]
"It only becomes a problem if you make it a problem," he said. His voice lacked the spirit in his words, and the words themselves were spoken from a corpse too stubborn to die.
Disappointment was laced in his voice as he spoke.
I did not expect this.
I feared this instead.
When he said this, it merely proved to me what I had been fearing before. This wasn't Hachiman of the Diaries. This wasn't the man that bravely said that he'd fix the world's problems one by one when he sees them.
This wasn't the man that would save everything successfully as long as he was there.
This was the Hikigaya-kun of the transformation.
This was a boy who couldn't save a dog. This was a boy who had been forced into the hospital due to having a broken leg. This was a boy who'd rather forget everything than be that person from before.
He had—
He had forgotten who he was.
The conversation we had next only proved to me that this was a boy who was a shell of his former self, who was weak and didn't know what to do about it. A shadow. Someone living a life that he shouldn't be living.
In the end, I couldn't help but feel pity for him. I was disgusted at what he became. But I felt pity for the man that I respected in the Diaries, for if he could see what happened to him after his transformation, he'd surely try to help…
That was it!
The Hachiman of the Diaries would certainly try to solve problems he could see!
"Only truly extraordinary people can change a person who has no will left to do so."
I could hear him speak.
"What are you doing here?"
I didn't know what to tell him. I came here to see what happened to the man in the books. That was it. I don't know how to answer that question without being called delusional or a thief. But even as I contemplated my answer, instinct had my mouth speak.
"I came to see a hero."
For the first time, I sighed. I was too exhausted, and my endeavors were as fruitless as an orchard in a drought.
"And I saw something pitiful instead." And it truly was pitiful. His face was dim. He looked like he was constantly punished, with a fate worse than what Atlas received, for something less meaningful than what he did.
I kept my gaze on him, watching his face change. Instead of lifeless eyes, I saw them morph into flames as bright as festival fireworks. Suddenly, his face gained more life, and his eyes looked alive.
It was startling.
It was beautiful.
"You came here to see a hero, huh?" he said to me. Then he grinned, and as if his face was taken by the abyssal darkness of the room, everything about him grew dim. He looked like a monster.
"Heroes don't exist in this world..." his voice carried disappointment, as if he yearned for something out of reach, "...You'd be more likely to find a unicorn instead. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to sleep. It's late and I just got run over a car so…"
He shooed me off.
It was now or never.
"Before I leave, I just want you to know," I started, my throat suddenly parched, "that this won't be the end of me."
My voice grew confident as I found confidence in myself.
"I will fix you."
For I, too, have changed in meaningful ways. An extraordinary person like you — through your words — managing to change me shouldn't be snuffed out by the cruelties of the world.
I shall change you, like you did to me.
I leaned in towards his ear, whispering, "My name is Yukinoshita Yukino, Hikigaya Hachiman. I hope you commit it to memory."
Then I jumped out to the open window — moonlight guiding my path.
I will fix you.
… OMAKE …
"Their moms are just gay, Yukino-chan. Ignore them." Nee-san dismisses the disgusting looking creature's claiming to be humans, and picks up a menu which looks more like some poor mans leather notebook then a menu. Cringing as she touches it, she slowly opens it and reads the mess that one might call 'words' written inside.
"What the hell is this! You call this food!" Nee-san shouts after briefly looking at the thing they call a menu, gaining the attention of everyone in the cafe. I was surprised that was even possible, considering the music in here was so loud that it masked every sound in here and the street outside of it.
Nee-san then stands, and much like a certain lavender hair girl [6], launches the 'menu' at the nearest sub-human form using her right arm. It flies directly into the things face, probably breaking his nose. The — what I assume man — lets out a surprisingly girly scream when the heavy leather 'menu' impacts it's face, and collapses to the floor.
"We're leaving Yukino-chan! Screw getting back at you for your hurtful words, I will not have us eating in such a dirty, disgusting place!" Nee-san grabs my arm and drags me through the remaining monsters around us.
She may or may not had to have punched some of them out of the way — they were obviously friends of the thing she threw the 'menu' at — but we made it out safely in the end. Nee-san then pulled out a pair of aviator sunglass, a metal Zippo lighter, and a pack of 20 Marlboro cigarettes. She put one of the cigarettes into her mouth and flipped open the lighter with the other hand. She then expertly lights the cigarette, and throws the still lit lighter behind us.
There was a loud explosion behind us, and a large gust of wind followed, blowing my hair around me like a cloak. The cause of the explosion was most likely all the chemicals in the make-up those things were wearing hovering around, condensed into the small poor excuse of a cafe. I go to turn around to inspect the damage, but Nee-san stops me with a hand on my right shoulder.
"Don't turn around Yukino-chan, cool girls don't look at explosions"
She then hands me a matching pair of aviator sunglasses before taking a long puff of her cigarette. She throws away the butt and we walk away from the now burning cafe as people look in awe at us, obviously thinking about how cool we look.
Omake from The Mighty Zingy, an absolute madman.
…
References (because Yukinoshita also has some. She isn't Hachiman though. Nor is she knowledgeable in his references, if it's anime related)
[1] Fifty Shades of Grey. Haruno made her read it!
[2] Fujibayashi Kyou from Clannad. Yukino thinks it's a real person though, heh.
[3] Another Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya reference. Face it. I like it. And I'm making Hachiman like it. Yukino thinks it's a real person as well.
[4] Name of the school from High School of the Dead. She thinks that this school is the middle school Hachiman went to.
[5] School Days ending reference. She thinks it fits, but doesn't know what actually happened in the anime, or what scene that line came from
[6] Same thing as above, except The Mighty Zingy wrote it first and told me to write it into the story itself.
...
AN: Alright, you guys have been waiting a week now for the Yukinterlude. Or maybe not. Either way, it's out.
Also thanks to The Mighty Zingy and The Quotable Patella for their beta-ing of this chapter. If not for them, you'd probably have hundreds more grammar mistakes just oozing from this sewer rat of a chapter.
And no, this is not a yandere fic. Reference 5 is just a reference. Seeing as Hachiman's diaries are being read by Yukino, you can imagine that he also writes a bunch of references to anime there too. And Yukino being Yukino, will misunderstand most of them.
Edited as of 2018/08/08
Did some minor timeline fixes bois. The Mighty Zingy brought to my attention that they'd have a full day of orientation in Japan, not half-days, so I moved the timeline and made the reflection scene with Yukino a flashback. It's no biggie, it's not like none of you read the ANs or anything.
SO YEAH. You could say, the timeline's fixed. Another reference for you to check on your own.