Back to the Forest

"No, Link. You have to hold the chicken above your head!"

Link paused.

Here he was, in a strange town that repeatedly played the same tune over and over again while he walked through it's streets. There was a white ball in front of him that called herself a fairy. This fairy was telling him that to get a bottle, he must rely on a chicken the size of his head, to successfully carry him over an extremely high ledge so he could get behind a windmill, to grab another chicken. He ran the situation through his head over and over again, dealing with the possible outcomes.

He shrugged.

"Eh, sounds safe, where's that chicken gone?"

Somehow, Link did manage to fly over to the windmill and came across a chicken and a much more fascinating boulder. He tried to lift the boulder before Navi screamed about the fact that he was too weak to lift them. Link sighed and carefully placed the boulder back onto the ground and grabbed the chicken.

He flew over to the chicken lady.

And then realized he'd left the chicken that he used to get behind the windmill behind the windmill.

"Oh, don't worry," giggled the chicken lady. "I hated that one anyway,"

Link cleared his throat.

"Uhh, right,"

The next chicken was inconveniently placed on a ledge that he couldn't get to without going through a building first, and squeezing through a grate in the wall. Why the chicken was running around in circles and not flying off the ledge was a mystery, Navi was working up a conspiracy theory which involved the Chicken Lady secretly drugging her chickens, yet the drugs didn't work because they managed to escape.

Link didn't think the theory made sense either.

He sighed and opened the door of the building.

"How hard can this be-OH MY GOD!"

Link screamed as a large spider suddenly dropped down from the ceiling and landed on his head. It's legs poked him in the eye several times before it scuttled off him and found a place on the floor.

"Man," he said, rubbing it's skull. "That was bad timing," he looked the terrified Link up and down. "Uh, if you believe me, I'm not actually a talking spider, I'm actually a spider that used to be a human,"

Link started shaking.

Navi rolled her eyes.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know this 'hero' had a fear of spiders, not to mention skeletons, open spaces, dinosaurs and red haired children, but I have to work with what I'm given. What do you want us to do?"

"Oh, just to kill any spiders you see and collect the tokens they fart out when they die,"

"Ok,"

Link screamed five steps later as four more spiders surrounded him and began staring at him. Link slowly edged across the wall.

"Why are they watching me?"

"Just get the chicken,"

"It's scary...they could turn their backs…"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever, get the chicken,"

"I know they used to be humans but they could stop it,"

"Right. Chicken, get,"

"It's creepy and weird-"

"GET THE FUCKING CHICKEN YOU !#!#!#!!!" (CENSORED)

--

"Thank you so much. Here's the bottle that I found in a pile of cow poo!"

The chicken lady handed Link the bottle and he stuffed it wherever he puts things. He said goodbye and left Kakariko Village. Navi said it would be easier if they went to Saria first, so they did.

When Link arrived in Kokiri forest he came face to face with Mido. The ginger boy didn't look too pleased as last time he had seen Link he nearly drowned. He narrowed his eyes and placed his hands on his hips so that he thought he looked intimidating.

"Why the hell do you think you can just MARCH back into this place and-HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Mido was suddenly flattened by a large paving slab. Enough said.

Link quickly abandoned the scene and climbed the vines leading to the Lost Woods at amazing speed. He had to screech to a halt when a large owl flew down in front of him and began twisting his head around on it's neck like the girl from the exorcist.

"My, Link! There you are, I couldn't catch you in the field!"

"Uhh,"

"I'm Kaepora Gaebora!"

"Who?

"Kaepora Gaebora!"

"Who?"

"Kaepora Gaebora,"

This happened at least twelve more times.

"Who?"

"Kae. Ahem. I'm an owl, and I will happily follow you on your quest, to offer you my wisdom,"

"Right, and how old are you?"

"Two,"

"…"

"So, Link my young friend. I can sense you are searching for a friend, is that right?"

Link paused as he tried to remember why he was here. Navi shot him a menacing look.

"Oh, yeah, that's right. Saria," he said unsurely. Navi relaxed.

"That's right! Boomed the owl, twisting it's head around frantically. "Now," he said, suddenly stopping. "The Lost Woods is a very dangerous place, if you're-"

"Why is it dangerous?"

"I was just about to tell you,"

"Oh,"

"Ahem. The Lost Woods is a very dangerous place. If you get lost, you will turn into a skull kid,"

"Right…"

"But, if you get confused with where you are going you will end up back in Kokiri Forest,"

"But..isn't getting confused with where you are going just like getting lost?"

"No, there's completely different," snapped the owl.

"Right…"

The owl cleared his throat and glanced behind his back in a very paranoid fashion.

"Can you hear that?"

"What?"

"That sound?"

Link strained his ears. He could hear nothing.

"No,"

"Come on, it's right there!"

"WHAT?"

"THE MUSIC!"

Link rolled his eyes.

"RIGHT, sorry. I just got so used to music playing whenever I walk that it's become like a background noise to me,"

"I don't care. Follow the music and you will be fine," The owl bowed and then disappeared into the sky with two mighty flaps of his wings. Or her, he never actually said if he was male or female and you can't really come to any conclusions with a name like Kaepora Gaebora.

Ten minutes later and Link and Navi had come to the same room they had been in ten times before.

"IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!" Screamed Link. "I CAN HEAR THE SPIDER BUT I CAN'T SEE IT!" He flung himself against the tree in the middle of the room. Navi shook her head pitifully, and watched him do it again, and again.

"Link, it's only a spider, come one,"

"But-I-want-to-kill-it!"

"Well, maybe you can't kill it yet," said Navi slyly. Link paused.

"What do you mean?"

Navi shuffled her script out of the way slightly.

"Haha, nothing. But maybe we should come later,"

"What do you mean?!"

"Oh, you will see," Link frowned in confusion, and then barged into the tree again.

"Oh..dear god,"

After several attempts at pulling Link away from the tree, Navi managed to do just that and they continued throughout Lost Woods. They came to a small maze, and as soon as Link stepped around the corner a large deku nut pelted him in the head.

"What the-AAAH!" He screamed and covered his head as five more hit him. Two red Deku Scrubs laughed evilly.

"Oh, I love this," One said.

"I know what you mean. Hardly anyone comes down here, apart from that Saria girl and she just gives us extra Deku nuts saying if we don't hit her we can have these and hit the next person who comes down twice as hard, hahhaah!"

"Hahhaaha!"

Link narrowed his eyes. During the Deku Scrub's conversation he had managed to sneak away and climb up a ladder. He was now directly above them and wanted to throw a bomb on their tiny little plant sprouting head-

"Uh, Link?"

He blinked.

"What?"

"Saria," Navi said slowly. Link had just been teetering over the edge of the ledge with an insane, murderous expression on his face. "…remember..?" He almost looked as deadly as her.

"Oh, yeah. Right," Link slowly walked away from the Deku Scrub and began leaping over the gaps, laughing evilly when the Deku Scrubs couldn't hit him…before they raised their aim slightly and gave him a small concussion.

Link entered the Scared Forest Meadow feeling slightly dizzy and with a throbbing head. He didn't even notice Saria at first and she had to yell his name five times to get him to notice.

"Finally," she said as Link stumbled over. "You're a bit late, Link. Where have you been?"

"Oh.." Link said offhandedly. "A few places, it was nothing much,"

"Right. Well, I have a feeling something very big is going to happen soon-" Saria stopped as she saw Navi, who was rapidly shaking her head behind Link and pointing to part of the script which said 'Link doesn't know that pulling the master sword from it's pedestal will shoot him forward seven years. If he did he would most likely back out and Hyrule would be plunged into a dark and pitiful end! He's not even a proper hero! The triforce on his hand is a tattoo! Don't tell him!'

Saria cleared her throat.

"Yeah, I have a feeling, but I don't have any idea what the big idea could be. I just have a feeling,"

Link stared at her incredulously.

"ANYWAY! I need to teach you my song, are you ready?"

Link pulled out his ocarina. Saria frowned.

"It's a little muddy,"

"Well what do you expect?!"

"You managed to clean your sword," Saria said, pointing to the shimmering piece of metal. "And pick the pieces of mould out of the wood on your shield," she looked sad. Link sighed and tried not to roll his eyes.

"I'll clean the ocarina.." (Neither knew that Link would soon get the Ocarina of time and Saria's ocarina would just mysteriously vanish off the face of the planet)

"Chicken crap helps," Saria said helpfully. She adjusted her position on the tree stump she had been sat on for five days and smiled. "Now, I will play you my song,"

Link raised his hand to interrupt.

"What?" Asked Saria impatiently.

"Well…why do I need this song again?"

"To remember me!"

"….."

Saria sighed. "It will let you talk to me and do various other pointless and completely random things,"

"Cool,"

Saria waited for a few more seconds just to make sure Link wasn't going to interrupt again, and started playing.

"Da Da Da-"

"Uh, Saria?"

"WHAT?"

"My ocarina wholes are plugged up with mud,"

Saria swore a word which looked too vile to come out of her sweet little mouth. She snatched the ocarina away from Link and shoved Navi down the holes, who didn't look very happy when she came out covered with mud and Link's spit.

Saria shrugged. "I'm advancing the plot," She turned away from Navi and thrust the ocarina back at Link.

"DON'T interrupt me again, I will now play my song,"

"Da Da Da, Da Da Da,"

……..

Link suddenly felt his body go out of control and he began playing the tune back to Saria while a fully grown choir accompanied him in the background. He felt himself play the song perfectly when in reality he had no idea how to even hit a C note. The notes finally fluttered off into the distant and the forest was once again filled with the sound of Deku Scrubs farting.

"Perfect!" Yelled Saria, clapping her hands together. "Wonderful!"

Link smiled sheepishly and prayed to god he would be able to check the notes on the start menu of he ever needed to play the song again.

Saria bid him farewell and Link and Navi left the forest. Link said it would have been easier to warp but Navi said they couldn't do that yet. Just as they were about to leave the Lost Woods (after being hit by many more deku nuts) Link took a wrong turn and for some bizarre reason was taken to Goron City.

"Uhh," Link said gormlessly as a Goron rolled past. Navi shrugged.

"Eh, Hyrule's weird and this is a convenient short cut, lets go,"

The two carried on walking, Link kept stepping to the beat of the drum song, while singing in low grunts that he thought sounded like Gorons, it didn't. Navi had to refrain herself from slapping him.

They were nearly at the exit, when a large Goron with spiky hair and huge rock muscles suddenly blocked their path.

"I AM DARUNIA!"

Link and Navi looked at each other.

"I AM THE GORON LEADER, WHO MIGHT YOU BE?"

"Well..I'm Link, and this is Navi…"

"WHY ARE YOU TRESPASSING INTO MY CITY?"

"We're not… I'm allowed in here because I saved your people,"

"SAVED?" Boomed Darunia. "YOU MEAN YOU STUCK A TWIG IN THE DINOSAURS MOUTH, WHICH HE SNAPPED AN HOUR LATER AFTER WAKING UP, AND THEN CONTINUED TO KILL SEVENTY GORONS WHILE DESTROYING HALF OF THEIR BEDS?"

Link swallowed.

"Yeah…we have to go…"

"NO!" He roared. "YOU WILL NOT!"

"Link," whispered Navi.

"I WILL KILL YOUUU!"

"Get your ocarina out,"

"JUST LET ME STAND HER AND SHOUT AT YOU FOR A WHILE LONGER!"

"And play Saria's song,"

"KILL YOUU"

"Why?" Whispered Link, although due to the volume of Darunia's shouts he really didn't have to whisper at all.

"I WANT MY STONE BACK, TOO!"

"Just do it," hissed Navi. "We're meant to do it later on…but…"

"I'M NEARLY READY TO ATTACK!!!"

"I think it would help now.."

"KILL!"

Link took out his ocarina and played Saria's song just as Darunia lunged towards him. The Goron froze as he heard the notes, and a few seconds later began dancing. Link stared in horror. It was the ugliest dance he had ever seen. He sent a disbelieving look to Navi, but quickly side stepped around the dancing Goron, avoiding his flailing arms and his bum, which kept shooting backwards every two seconds. It was a sight he never wanted to ever again.

Although he would see it again, seven years later. But sssh. Link doesn't know that.

Link and Navi breathed a sigh of relief and collapsed in Kakariko Village. They would rest, and then make their long, tiresome and physically draining journey to the most feared place in all of Hyrule. Lon Lon Ranch.

I'm back :) I know the first chapters are quite badly written, and I'll rewrite them when I have enough time. I hope you enjoyed this one..please review or you won't get the next. MWUAHAHHA!