Arizona flicked her fork through her salad, pushing the leaves to the side until she speared through one and popped it into her mouth. She chewed slowly as she continued to push the salad around the container, grabbing her drink and looking up as she took a sip. Teddy, Callie and Owen were all deep in conversation, discussing Teddy's apartment hunting and the best areas to search in. She tried to listen to the conversation for a moment, Owen telling a brief story of the last time he went apartment searching. She listened until she was met with the same thing she had seen for the last three days; a constant set of worried and cautious eyes on her. Whether it was Teddy, Callie, Owen or Mark, someone was always looking at her. Someone was always watching her like she was a fragile package that couldn't be dropped, easily broken into pieces with one sharp movement. Arizona sipped from her drink as her eyes met with Teddy's, rolling her eyes a second later and looking back to her salad. She poked her way through it for a more minutes, killing time until her surgery.
She pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the time, flicking through the messages on the screen and registering the missed calls. Arizona stared at the screen, unaware of the conversation in front of her stopping until the silence eerily set in a few seconds later. As she looked up she felt the flimsy leaf of salad lodge in her throat for a moment as she took in the sight of Nick appearing at the end of the table, the tired smile on his face that he was offering everyone else changing into a glare when his eyes fell on Arizona. She swallowed thickly to remove the salad that was blocking her airway, forcing a smile onto her face as Owen vacated his seat and offered it to Nick. Nick slid into it, directly in front of Arizona who was taking a gulp from her drink the clear the remnants of salad that were still lodged in her throat.
"So your phone does work." Nick commented as he nodded his head towards the phone that was still in Arizona's hand, the blonde flicking her eyes between it and Nick before she dropped it back into her pocket.
"Nick, what are you doing here? I thought you and my mom were meant to be flying home today."
"Our flight is this afternoon," he spoke quickly as he scratched as his unshaven beard and flashed a quick grin at Teddy and Callie who were eyeing the two while continuing their conversation, "I came because you've been ignoring my calls so this was the only way I could speak to you. Are we going to speak about the other night?"
"There's nothing else to say about it." Arizona spoke softly, her eyes glancing to Callie who was poking through her salad whilst cautiously watching the exchange.
"Nothing else to say? Come on, Tucson, there's definitely things that need to be said. You can't just show up to a hotel room and say that you're not going. What the hell do you mean you're not going? You're meant to be on the plane with us. There's a ticket booked for you. I'm here to get you, let's go."
Arizona just snorted and shrugged her shoulders before lifting her fork again and continuing with pushing her salad around the container. She knew it wasn't enough, but it was all she wanted to give right now. She didn't know what else she was meant to say. She didn't want to talk about this, especially not now. She pushed the leaves around until she heard Nick snap her name, Arizona sighing and looking up at the same time as Teddy and Callie.
"What, Nick? What do you want me to say?" She muttered as dropped her fork and grabbed her drink, shoving the straw into her mouth and chewing on it. She felt nervous, her body squirming in her seat as she sat under the stare of Nick.
"Phoenix, what do you mean you're not going?"
"I think it's pretty clear what I mean. I'm not going." Arizona sighed as she leant back in her chair, chewing on the straw until she could only get small amount of drink through it. She looked at Nick's face, his eyes burning into her like she was a small child being scolded. She just rolled her eyes at him before looking back to her drink, her nails picking at the pattern on it.
"It's your dad's funeral. What about your mom? She wants you there. You should be there. Come on, you're being stubborn." Nick sighed, leaning forward on the table to catch Arizona's eyes. She just shrugged once more as she ran her finger around the top of her drink.
"I helped her pick out a casket, didn't I? I helped pick the date and time, I rang the caterer and organised the service. I helped. I don't need to go. I don't want to go, okay?"
"Jesus, he's dead. Let your anger go. Go to his funeral and mourn, if not for you then for your mom. You should be there."
"I don't want to go, Nick. Am I not saying this clear?" Arizona muttered as she clenched her jaw to control the anger that was bubbling in her, her patience having worn incredibly thin recently leaving her snapping and yelling at residents multiple times in the past few days.
"He's your dad." Nick snapped, his voice rising loud enough to gain attention from two nurses walking past. Arizona watched them go, noticing the whispers passed between them. She clenched her jaw as she looked back to Nick, throwing a glare at him.
"People are looking…" Arizona spoke in a hushed tone, hearing him give a snort as he dropped back in his seat and let out a small, snide laugh. For a moment he reminded her of her father and she felt her chest tighten and the salad she had just eaten threaten to come crawling up her throat.
"I really don't give a shit right now who is looking." Nick snapped, Arizona hearing Teddy speak his name softly as she tried to intervene, Nick losing his usual grin that everyone was used to and just raising his hand to silence her. Arizona flashed her a quick apologetic smile before leaning forward, closer to Nick.
"Nick, stop. I work here, okay?" Arizona spoke lowly, her voice stern. Nick just let out a laugh as he scratched through his hair that was floppy and dirty. His beard was longer now, longer than Arizona had ever seen it before, and it speckled grey throughout.
"No, you stop, okay? Stop being so childish and pathetic. Even if you don't want to go, which is ridiculous, your mom wants you there. He was your dad. What about her? She wants her daughter there. She needs you there."
"No she doesn't, I'm sure she'll manage perfectly fine without me." Arizona sighed weakly. As she leant against the table she remembered the ache that had been in her body for days, sleep having being something she was going without, running purely off of days filled with coffee and nights filled with alcohol.
"Jesus, you're infuriating right now, you know? What the hell is wrong with you? Your dad died and you're acting like you don't care. I know you two struggled with each other, but holy shit, Phoenix. This is something else. You haven't taken any time off work, when you came over to help make decisions about the funeral you just agreed with whatever your mom said so you could leave, and I haven't seen you look sad once. Nothing, not one single tear. At first I put it down to shock, but it's been days now. Pull your head out of your ass and get your shit together. You should be the funeral, you know that. He was your dad."
"I'm aware of the fact he was my dad, Nick, I don't need you to keep reminding me." Arizona snapped back, her patience having finally cracked and her voice coming out harsher than she wanted. She could feel Callie's eye burning into her but she didn't want to look, keeping her eyes on Nick who was letting out a laugh of disbelief.
"Tim would have wanted you there. Do you remember him, your brother? Or is he another dead family member you don't care about?"
"Jesus, Nick, stop." Teddy spoke, Arizona shaking her head slowly as she pushed her chair back from the table.
"Don't you dare bring Tim into this. This has nothing to do with him, he isn't here. And if he was here, Tim would have understood this. If I told him that I don't want to go, he would have let it go because he understood me, clearly much better than you ever will. Go catch your flight, Nick."
"Phoenix…" Nick spoke now in a softer tone, the edges to his lips tugging up into an apologetic smile. He cocked his head to the side when Arizona just stared at him, putting his hand out across the table for her to take. Arizona just stared at it, shaking her head a second later.
"I don't judge you for the way you choose to grieve, so don't judge me for my choice. It has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I don't want to go to the funeral, I'm not going. Deal with it." Arizona barked in a low tone once more, her words coming out through her clenched jaw. She felt sick as she sat in the chair, her hands tingling with a strange sensation. She clenched them for a moment.
"But that's the thing, you're not grieving. You're acting like you don't even care. Do you even care that he's dead? Or is this what you wanted?" Nick muttered, Arizona rolling her eyes and standing up from her chair. She flashed one last glance at Nick, only making it a few steps when she felt his fingers wrap around her wrist and stop her walking any further past the table. Arizona flinched at the pressure, tugging her wrist from his hand but his grip keeping it. She tried once more, this time his fingers unwrapping when Callie snapped his name from beside him. Arizona flinched once more at the sound of Nick's name coming from her lips, every bit of anger Callie had oozing in the words. Arizona couldn't stop her eyes when they dragged towards Callie, seeing her glaring into Nick. Arizona was sure that if looks could kill, Nick would be long gone.
"Shit, I'm sorry. I don't know what- I'm sorry, Phoenix, really. Did I hurt you? I'm just so tired from all the funeral planning and I lost it for a moment, I really am sorry." Arizona tore her eyes away from Callie and back to Nick, guilt plastered all over his face. Arizona took a step away from the table and dropped her hands into her pocket, shrugging her shoulders weakly.
"I'm fine. Just, go, Nick. Go home. Go to the funeral. Just go. I don't want to, okay? If my mom is upset about that then tell her I'm sorry, but nothing is going to change my mind. So just go before you miss your flight."
"I think you'll regret this."
"Maybe I will, but it's my choice." Arizona mumbled with a final shrug, a glance to Callie and Teddy who were offering concerned looks, before she muttered a goodbye and turned on her heel to leave. She could practically feel the stare of both Nick and Callie into her back, the blonde swallowing down the sensation to look over her shoulder and swallowing it away once she was through the doors and out of the cafeteria.
/
Arizona stood and scrubbed at her hands, feeling the sponge scrape against her skin. She stopped and picked at her nails for a second, the tingling in her hands having finally faded minutes ago. She looked to the door of the scrub room when it opened and Mark appeared, a nod being passed between the two which was the most conversation they had shared in months. They both stood in silence as they scrubbed, Arizona peering through the window to see the young boy being brought into the OR that was being prepared. This was what she needed; a few hours of silence. She needed to be thinking about something other than her father, or her mother, or Nick. She needed to be thinking about someone else, saving someone else. She needed some silence in her life. Arizona practically flinched when Mark's voice cracked through the silence of the room, a cough coming from his mouth before he spoke.
"I heard about your dad, I'm sorry. I remember when my mom died, its rough." He spoke in a low tone, Arizona glancing to him and seeing a small sympathetic smile on his face. This wasn't what she needed nor wanted. She forced a smile onto her face, nodding her head quickly.
"Uhm, thank you."
Arizona still felt the same nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach every time someone mentioned her father. It had been three whole days and she still felt like she could vomit on the spot every time she remembered he was dead. Every time she was back in the storage closet and gripping for a basin, her chest tightening and her lungs struggling to form a proper breath to remove the sick feeling. She wondered when it was going to leave. She couldn't deal with it for much longer. No amount of wine had worked, so she had tried tequila. Nothing. Nothing was helping her and she just wanted to work. She didn't want to think about it. But every time she walked down the hallway she saw the looks from people, heard the whispers and even suffered through the condolences. Every time she sat down for lunch she had eyes staring at her. Teddy would look over every minute or so. Owen would stare non-stop and pretend that he wasn't whenever Arizona would meet his eye. And then Callie would just look at her, not stare, just look. When their eyes met she wouldn't look away, she would hold their gaze for as long as she could until Arizona would have to pull away. Until the blonde was certain that the drowning feeling she had when she looked into Callie's eyes was going to suffocate her. So now she didn't look at her. She pretended she wasn't there.
"Listen, Robbins, can I speak honestly here for a second?" Mark asked a couple of minutes later, Arizona rolling her eyes and letting out a groan as she dropped her head to the side and looked at him.
"Mark, I know you think you can go about this the other way, but we already agreed that this is the safer surgery. This risks are too high, you even said so yourself, so why are you now-"
"You need to stop whatever is going on between you and Callie."
And just like that Arizona felt herself stiffen, her head cloud, and her hands tingle. She stopped scrubbing for a moment, looking to Mark before looking back to her hands. The change in topic had given her emotional whiplash, her heart beating strange in her chest and her pulse rushing through her ears. Arizona fumbled over her words for a moment, not knowing what to say and not sounding at all convincing when she spoke and forced out a weak laugh.
"What are you talking about it?"
"Whatever is going on between you two, it needs to stop. I don't know whether you're just talking, flirting, or sleeping together. But whatever it is, stop it, now."
"Mark, I don't know…" Arizona breathed casually, coughing to clear her throat when Mark arched an eyebrow at her, "I don't- listen, it's none of your business, okay?"
"She's my best friend, it's my business, Robbins." He commented, his smirk on his face not matching his stern tone. For the second time in day Arizona felt like she was being scolded, her jaw clenching for a moment as she ran her arms under the water and let a long breath out from her nose.
"Just because someone is your friend doesn't mean everything to do with them becomes your business, that's not how it works. What happens between me and Callie is between me and Callie." Arizona heard Mark let out a small chuckle, his head nodding and silence spreading through the room as both of them flicked the water from their hands and stepped away from the sink. Arizona stopped her footing when Mark stepped in front of her, the blonde moving back to stop their hands from touching.
"After you got back from Fiji, when you two first broke up, you were all she looked at. Whenever you were in the room she would stare at you. During meetings. Over lunch. At the coffee cart. It was painful to watch, really. But for a while it stopped and it was good. She dated other people, put herself back out there again, and even painted her apartment. She was moving on, clean slate. But recently, she stares at you again. All the time. And it's worse this time, because before she was looking at you with some hurt and anger. But now she looks at you like you're some fragile flower that needs to be protected and loved. She can't be the one to help you through whatever is going on with you, Robbins. I know things are rough, but don't make things worse for both of you."
Arizona just stood frozen on the spot, her mouth hanging shamefully low. Mark let out a small sigh, looking through the window for a moment as Arizona tried to ignore the sting of tears at the back of her eyes. She watched as Mark stared into the OR for a second before looking back, his mouth opening as though he wanted to say more before he closed it. His head wrinkled as he frowned, he was thinking. Arizona closed her mouth, clenching her jaw. She tried to prepare herself for whatever he was going to throw at her next, swallowing slowly as Mark opened his mouth once more and spoke.
"I rooted for you two, I know it may not have seemed like it sometimes, but I really did. I wanted things to get fixed just as much as everyone else did, but they didn't. And now time has passed and a lot has happened in between, too much has happened. You both can't just go back to each other and pretend it hasn't. It won't work, you'll hurt each again, maybe worse. Callie can't see that, but I think you can. You don't stare at her, if anything you try and avoid her. You know that it can't happen. So I've never asked anything of you, and I'm still not. I'm not asking you to do this for me, I'm asking you to do this for her. Stop pulling her back. Stop letting her pull you back. Don't make her think that she needs to be your person now. And don't make things harder for yourself. I care about you too. So you need to open your eyes and see that this- this is wrong. This isn't helping. So stop it, for her. Leave her alone."
Arizona felt like the floor beneath her feet was caving in, turning to lava and leaving her to drop into the searing liquid. He was saying everywhere she had been thinking for months, so why had it been so hard to hear? Why did she want to run away from the words and ignore them? Her legs felt weak as she took a step back, Mark's eyes burning into her. She wanted to shout at him, scream at him. She wanted to let the tears fall that were threatening her eyes. She wanted to tell him that he always had this strange and insanely annoying urge to force himself into relationship that didn't ask for him nor need him. But she and Callie weren't in a relationship. They were barely even in a friendship. Everything Mark had said was true. And it was all true, and Arizona knew that. She knew she was pulling Callie back in, or had already pulled her back in. Callie was in love with her. But that didn't mean she had any right to take that love and misuse it. That's what she was doing. Arizona could only nod as her response when Mark asked whether she was going to back off from Callie, whether she was okay, and whether she was ready for surgery. She wasn't ready for anything, she thought to herself, but she had no choice. Arizona managed to mumble I'm fine, Mark cautiously eyeing her before turning to the doors behind him. They slid open at the same time the scrub room door open, Arizona looking over her shoulder to see Derek appearing.
"Robbins, you're not scrubbing in." He spoke as he stood in the doorway, staring at the screen of his phone and not looking up. Arizona turned to Mark who only offered a confused shrug, looking back to Derek and letting out a small laugh.
"Excuse me? Why? I'm already scrubbed in and ready."
"You're going through personal things at the moment. It's not right for you to be in an OR right now."
"Are you saying I can't do my job?" Arizona snapped, her voice turning into anger quicker than she had expected, she swallowed it away for a moment and plastered a fake, friendly, smile onto her face, "I can do my job, Chief, perfectly fine."
"You need time to grieve. You're going through a loss and that means you haven't got all your attention on that patient, which means you have no business being in that OR." Derek spoke, his eyes flickering between Arizona and the phone in his hand.
"I don't need to grieve. Why does everyone keep telling me that? I don't want to cry. Why can't I just react the way I want to?"
"Robbins, take some time off," Derek spoke, looking up from his phone when Arizona neither spoke nor moved from the spot she was stood in, "I'm not asking you, Dr Robbins, I'm telling you. Go home and take time off. Sleep, get some exercise, have a nice bath. Do whatever."
"I don't need time off, Derek, I just want to do my job. Being here is what I want. I want to do the job I am perfectly qualified to do. I shouldn't be forced into grieving over something I don't want to. I don't need to sit and eat ice cream, I don't want to. Why won't people just leave me be?"
"Robbins, I'm your Chief and I'm telling you to go home. Final decision. Mark, I'll send a resident down to assist you." Derek snapped before turning on his heel, already out of the door by the time Arizona snapped his name.
"You don't want to grieve?" Mark asked through the silence, Arizona turning from the door and looking at him, "maybe you need some time off to sit and think about that. He was your dad, Robbins."
"Shut up, Mark. You don't know anything." Arizona barked at him before ripping her mask from her face and throwing it into the bin, swinging the door open loud enough for it to clatter off the wall and echo down the hallway as she stormed off.
/
Arizona dropped the empty bottle in her hand down onto the counter, stepping over to the depleted wine rack and tugging another bottle out. She eyed the label for a moment, noticing it was an expensive one. She had been given it as a gift on the day she was told she was the new Head of Peds. Arizona just stared at the bottle for a minute or so before dropping it down onto the counter and opening it. She grabbed the bottle around the neck and shuffled back to the couch, throwing the blanket around her body before flopping down. She lifted the bottle to her lips, having given up on glasses at some point days ago, and took a long mouthful. Her body felt heavy and tired from the alcohol that was rushing through her system, but her eyes wouldn't sleep. Every time she climbed into bed she would find herself back up again within the hour. Every time she tried to just sleep on the couch she would lay there just staring at the fan on her ceiling. She had resorted to filling her days off work with tasks. She had washed every single item of clothing she owned, cleaned her apartment until not one piece of furniture hadn't been shined, and even indulged in late night online shopping by purchasing a waffle maker she was positive she would never ever use. She didn't even like waffles, but she bought it. Because she couldn't sleep.
She wanted to go back to work. She wanted to be in an OR, or in the midst of the ER. She wanted to just be doing something, anything. She needed to do something to stop her head from thinking so much, her mind never stopping. Every time she climbed into bed she would see her mom clutching at her dad's dead body. She would see Nick offering his hand out for her to go into the room. She would see Callie's pained eyes as she walked away. She couldn't stop herself from thinking no matter what she did. She went for an hour long run that made her lungs feel like they were going to explode and her chest burning, but it didn't clear anything. Every time she managed to sleep she would be woken by a dream of her arguing with her father, the last words she ever said to him ringing in Arizona's head over and over.
I wish every single day that you hadn't been my father.
Arizona swallowed back another mouthful when the memory hit her like a wave, leaning to grab the remote and flicking through the channels. She could barely see what was flashing on the screen as she pressed on the button quickly, only stopping when Chewie hopped up on the couch next to her. He stood for a moment at the far end staring at her, his head cocked to the side. Arizona just stared back, watching as he padded towards her and nudged his head into her arm. He nudged a few more times, Arizona pushing him back a little until he looked at with big eyes.
"What do you want?" She muttered at him, watching as he stared for another moment before letting out a grumble and climbing into her lap. He curled up in the hole between her crossed legs, his head resting on her thigh and his eyes still burning into her. Arizona put it down to Teddy being right, the cat was creepy. But something about the sad way he stared at her made her chest ache.
She tore her eyes away from Teddy when her phone began to vibrate on the couch next to her. Arizona leant to read the screen, her chest only aching more when she read Callie's name. Stop pulling her back. She had been ignoring her. The calls had been non-stop and regimented, twice a day for the past three days since she had been sent home from work. Every morning and every night Callie called. Arizona would sit and stare at the phone as it rang and rang, holding her breath to stop her urge to just answer it. Instead she thought about what Callie was doing. Was she ringing in a scrub room just before she went in for surgery? Was she lay in bed at night and ringing quickly before she slept? Did she consider leaving a message every time Arizona didn't answer?
Arizona read the time on the phone. 1:03 in the morning. Her night time call was coming late. Arizona wondered whether she was only just leaving work. She wanted to ask Callie, to see where she was and what she was going, how her day had been. She wanted to just hear her voice. Arizona stared at the phone, lifting it into her hand and looking at Callie's name on the screen. She could hear Mark's words echoing in the back of her head. But they were in the back of her head, clouded by a large amount of wine and not pressing with the same pressure as usual. Arizona slid her thumb across the phone before she could stop herself, freezing once she had done it. You're an idiot, hang up. She put the phone to her ear and felt all the words drain from her body, like someone had popped a hole on her brain and was pulling them out one by one.
"Hello? Arizona? Are you there?" Callie spoke, Arizona just staying quiet on the other end. Maybe if she didn't speak for a moment she could still hear Callie's voice and then hang up and pretend she had sat on her phone or something. Arizona rolled her eyes when she realised how ridiculous she was being, "Arizona? Will you at least make a noise or something so I know you're there and I'm not speaking to someone who's in your apartment because they've murdered you? I'm worried. Just make a noise. Please."
"I'm here." Arizona spoke a moment later, hearing Callie let out a breath of relief. Arizona picked at the thread on the blanket as she looked to the tv, noticing the channel had landed on a cooking programme. Callie used to love them. They would watch them together after a long day of work, both of them getting home late and cuddling up on the couch for a few minutes before they dragged themselves to bed. Arizona secretly hated watching them, but she always went along with it because she loved the smile on Callie's face when she promised she would make the meals shown at the weekend.
"What are you doing?"
"Watching a cooking programme and drinking." Arizona mumbled, turning the wine bottle in her hand and picking at the label around it. She heard Callie let out a small chuckle. Hearing Callie laugh gave Arizona a feeling that she would never be able to describe to anyone.
"You hate cooking shows, why are you watching it?" Callie spoke down the phone, Arizona not being able to stop the smile that spread over her face.
"That's not true."
"Yes it is. You only used to watch them because I liked them. You tried to lie saying you enjoyed them as well but I'm pretty sure you would fall asleep every single time."
"Yeah, well, you liked them." Arizona spoke down the phone, her voice coming out sadder than she had expected or wanted it to. She swallowed thickly for a moment, hearing Callie just breathing down the phone. Arizona chewed on her lip, closing her eyes to try and stop the way her heart was thumping in her chest, coughing to clear her throat quickly, "are you only just getting home?"
"I'm still at the hospital, I'm in an on call room. I got called into a long surgery and now I'm too tired to drive home."
"Oh, okay." Arizona spoke softly, another silence settling between the women. Arizona had never felt uncomfortable around Callie, their silences had never been awkward. And this silence wasn't awkward either, it was just different. It felt heavy. The I-love-you-and-dead-father-shaped elephant between the two of them was crawling into everything they thought and said, both women choosing to say nothing instead.
"Arizona…" Callie sighed a moment later, Arizona clenching her jaw. The tone was different now, not as light as it had been. Arizona could handle talking about cooking programmes and on call rooms, but Callie's tone was about to change it. Arizona took a gulp from the wine bottle, swallowing it quickly and cutting through Callie to answer the question she knew was coming.
"I'm fine, Callie, honestly. I'm not sat here drowning in my own tears or guzzling vodka until I pass out. I'm fine, I promise."
"You don't like vodka, that's why." Callie laughed a moment later, the noise having the same effect on Arizona as usual. She felt her heart skip at the sound, not helping the way it was thumping in her chest any way. Arizona pulled the blanket closer to her, perching the bottle between her body and end of the couch to balance it.
"Good point." She hummed down the phone as she tickled Chewie's head. As she listened to Callie's breathing her mind drifted to her mother. Arizona wondered what she was doing right now. Was she sat knocking back bottles of wine. Could she sleep? Did every single thought she had come back to the man she had called her husband? Arizona couldn't help but wonder even when she didn't want to, even when she tried her very best to avoid it.
"You're thinking." Callie spoke down the phone, Arizona being pulled from her thought and feeling a smile tug at her face.
"How do you know?" Arizona teased, hearing Callie chuckle once more. She could hear her moving about, the sound of the scratchy bedding being moved. She imagined Callie kicking her shoes off before swinging her legs and climbing into the bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark room.
"You go quiet when you think. Usually when you're thinking about a patient you play with your hair, but when you're thinking about something more personal you just stare at a spot. You zone out I guess."
Arizona sighed weakly done the phone. She didn't need to hear this. She didn't need to hear how Callie knew everything about her, how she knew everything about Callie. She didn't need to be reminded of insanely perfect they were for each other. Every time Callie reminded her of how she knew her better than anyone else, Arizona heard Mark's voice in her head. Stop pulling her back in. Stop letting her pull you back in. Arizona wondered whether it was possible to stop something she wanted so much. She sat for a second, staring at the tv and not registering what was going on. She needed to change the conversation.
"Today was my dad's funeral, he was cremated. My mom is going to spread his ashes on this lake that's near the house we lived in during the summers. He used to go fishing there all the time when I was younger. There's a bench there dedicated to Tim, it's got a plaque on it. They'll probably get another one and dedicate it to him, put them next to each other."
"Do you wish you had gone?" Callie voice spoke, her tone calm and soothing. Arizona dropped her head back on the couch and stared at the ceiling, watching her fan go round and round. The heat had been almost impossible at nights recently, the summer months in full swing. Arizona shrugged her shoulders, hearing Chewie grunt at the movement, before answering.
"And listen to people tell fake stories about my dad and cry over him like he was some saint or hero? No, thank you. Nick said I should have been there. He called me earlier to tell me all about it, cried down the phone when he was telling me about my mom's eulogy. Do you think I'm a horrible person for not going?"
"Some bones break different to others."
"What?" Arizona laughed, a small chuckle coming from both women.
"Sorry, I had an old teacher say it to me once and I was expecting it to sound better. I mean, people deal with things differently. You can't be expected to feel the same things and think the same way as Nick. It wasn't fair of him to say the things he did the other day. If you didn't want to go then that's your choice."
"Thank you." Arizona whispered down the phone, her voice shaking from the lump that had formed in the bottom of her throat. It made it feel tight, Arizona trying to swallow but failing from the way her mouth had gone dry. She coughed to clear her throat, "you should go to bed, it's late."
"You're awake as well." Callie joked back, Arizona letting out a small breath of laugh.
"Good point. But in case you haven't heard, I don't have work in the morning."
"Arizona, are you sleeping?" Callie asked almost immediately, Arizona feeling a breath lodge in her throat from the quick question. She blinked quickly for a moment, just staring at the fan for a moment.
"Yes, I'm fine. Now go to sleep."
"Are you going to bed soon?" Callie asked, Arizona just nodding her head tiredly as lifted the remote and began to flick through the channels, preparing herself for another long night.
"Yes."
"You're not going to go, are you?" Callie spoke, a laugh coming afterwards, but her tone sounding more serious. Arizona just laughed back at her.
"Good night, Calliope."
"Fine. Good night."
/
"I thought you weren't mean to be back until Monday."
Arizona pulled the curtain closed behind her as she stepped into the bay, looking down at the young boy in the bed who had a large cut bleeding on his arm. She glanced to Teddy who was typing on the computer next to her, worry and caution in her friends eyes. Arizona just shrugged her shoulders as she pulled her stethoscope from around her neck and walked up to the young boy, introducing herself and flashing her best smile. She pressed the stethoscope down onto the young boy's chest, looking back up to Teddy when she heard her name.
"I don't care what Derek says. I'm working."
"Arizona…" Teddy spoke in a worried tone, her eyes darting around the ER as Arizona listened for a moment before standing back up, throwing her stethoscope over her head. She laughed with the boy for a moment about his socks with bananas on them, before turning and cocking her head at Teddy when she clocked the apprehensive look on her face. The blonde rolled her eyes and sighed weakly.
"No, okay? This isn't school or something, he can't just suspend me for no reason. I don't need time off, I just want to work. I'm bored as hell sitting at home with nothing to do. I'm not crying, I'm not missing my dad, I'm just bored. So I should be allowed to work."
"You look like shi-" Teddy stopped talking, both women looking down to the boy who was beaming up at Teddy with a cheeky smile, Teddy offering a strained one back before turning to Arizona, "you look terrible. When was the last time you slept?"
"Seriously, Teddy, I'm fine. Please just let me work." Arizona pleaded, staring at Teddy and offering her best sad eyes.
"Fine, but good luck trying to convince Derek of that."
Arizona finally felt her head stop spinning as she worked on the young boy, ordering tests and scans. For the first time in days her chest didn't feel heavy, her body didn't feel tired and her head wasn't filled with everything. She wasn't sat wondering what her mother was doing. She was questioning herself on her decision not to go to the funeral. She wasn't thinking about the last thing she spoke to her father. She wasn't thinking about anything but the young boy in front of her as she sutured his arm, mumbling small conversation to him about super heroes. Arizona was partway through a debate about whether Batman was better than Superman when the curtain behind her swung open, Derek glaring at her, looking to the boy and offering a smile, before flashing one more glare to Arizona.
"Dr Robbins, can I please speak to you for a moment?" Derek asked through gritted teeth, a smile not moving from his face. Arizona sighed as she passed the things in her hands to an intern, pushing herself up from the chair and seeing Teddy staring worriedly at her as she stepped over to Derek.
"Yes?"
"Robbins, you're not on call today. What are you doing here?" He spoke as he looked around the ER, a fake smile still on his face every time he noticed a family member or an intern looking.
"Chief, I don't need any more time off, I can work."
"You're not needed today, you can go home." Arizona groaned as she shoved her hands into her pockets, watching as Derek fiddled with his tie. The smile on his face was annoying her. She dropped the fake one from her own, cocking her head to the side to catch Derek's eyes.
"Derek, seriously? I'm all cried out, okay? I've spent days sobbing. I practically worked my way through a whole box of tissues but I'm all better now. No more tears. So, just let me work."
"Dr Robbins, I am your Chief and I'm telling you to leave this ER right now and go home. I don't want you dealing with patients." Arizona groaned out loud, swinging her arms up from her pockets and holding them up in confusion, the smile now falling from Derek's lips as he stared at her with his most chiefly glare.
"What is your problem?" Arizona snapped.
"Arizona…" Teddy spoke, having now stepped out from the curtain. She was a few steps away from the conversation but when Arizona turned to look at her she couldn't help but see the concerned and cautionary look in her eyes. She mouthed the word stop, Arizona sighing and turning to look back at Derek.
"Fine, I'll go and do paperwork then. I have charting to do anyway." Arizona offered, turning to walk past Derek and head for the elevators and stopped when he lightly placed his hand on her arm, shaking his head when she looked to him.
"No, go home. I don't want you in the hospital, you're not in the right frame of mind."
"How do you know what frame of mine I'm in? Why can I not just do paperwork in the hospital? I'm not dealing with patients. I'm not sitting down with six year olds and telling them all about my sadness and grief."
"Do you really think any of this is convincing me you're in the right frame of mind?" Derek laughed, only angering Arizona more. She ran her hand through her hair, clenching her jaw and letting out a breath.
"Jesus, Derek, I don't need to grieve. Just. Let. Me. Work. Let me do what I'm good at. Why are you being such a-"
"Arizona." Teddy snapped through her, Arizona turning to see Teddy now glaring at her as she took a step forward. Arizona looked back to Derek, the fake smile back on his face due to two nurses who were watching from the desk.
"Dr Robbins, I'm going to warn you to choose your next words very carefully and remind you that I am your Chief. I'm not Derek here. I am your Chief of Surgery and I'm ordering you to go home."
"I just-" Arizona began to argue, being cut off when her arm was gripped by someone's hand. She felt her feet stumbling, her legs struggling to catch up as she heard Derek shouting things, Arizona letting out a groan when Callie shouted back at him. I'll handle this, okay? She won't work on patients. Trust me, Derek, I've got this. Arizona tried to pull her arm from her grip, letting out another groan when she remembered how insanely strong Callie was, Arizona just reluctantly being dragged down the hallway behind her.
/
Arizona tugged the entire time that Callie dragged her, knowing it was useless but refusing to allow Callie the satisfaction of knowing she was stronger. Arizona moaned her name, trying to remove her wrist from the woman's grip as people looked at them as Callie dragged her down hallways. Callie didn't let go of Arizona's wrist until she was opening a door a shoving Arizona into an empty exam room, closing it behind her. Arizona spun around straight away in anger, glaring at Callie who just leant back against the door and crossed her arms. A silence settled between them, Arizona's anger making her struggle with her words and Callie just offering a smug smile. It angered Arizona even more.
"Callie, what the hell are you doing?" Arizona snapped a moment later, her fingers rubbing her wrist and Callie's smile falling. A frown washed over her face followed by a laugh of disbelief.
"What am I doing? What are you doing, Arizona? What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here." Callie retorted, the anger in her voice struggling to cover the anxious undertone. Her eyes were burning into the blonde, Arizona running her hand through her hair.
"I don't need your help, Callie. I can do things myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it, it's just…" Arizona trailed off, Callie cocking her head to the side and looking at Arizona in confusion.
"It's just, what?"
"We can't do this anymore, Mark is right. You can't be my person, I don't need you. I can deal with things myself, I just-"
"Mark?" Callie asked in confusion, her face scrunching up for a moment, "Arizona, what did Mark say?"
"Nothing," Arizona grumbled, Callie staring at her for a moment until Arizona spoke again, "why does everyone have to chip in their point of view when on one is asking for it? I can't sit at home anymore, okay? I'm bored as hell, I just want to work. I want to get on with my job."
"People get involved because they're concerned. This isn't you, Arizona. You don't yell at the Chief of Surgery in front of a busy ER, you hardly ever raise your voice. You're not a shouter."
"I don't need people to be concerned, I-"
"Stop being so naïve. You lost someone who was close to you, whether you think they were or not. He was your dad, not some random person who had been in your life for five minutes. Even if you don't need to grieve for him, other people don't know that. They don't know the story, they just see someone who had lost an important person."
"Exactly, they don't know the story so why are they getting involved?" Arizona snapped, not completely unaware of how childish her voice sounded. Her feet shuffled back slightly until she was leaning on the bed in the middle of the room, her body perching on it.
"Because that's what friends do, you know this. Why are you being so annoyingly stubborn over this? Why won't you just let people help you?"
"Because I don't want their pity!" Arizona shouted, her voice echoing around the room and making the silence after it sound eerie. Arizona closed her eyes and brought her hands up to rub at them, opening them a second to see Callie frowning sadly at her as she leant against the door.
"What?" She asked slowly, pushing off the door and taking a step forward but stopping.
"Everyone is looking at me like I'm going to break any second. Like I'm going to walk down the hallway and just start crying halfway down it, that's what everyone is expecting. And if I'm honest, I don't know whether I'm going to or not. I don't know how I feel."
"Arizona…" Callie sighed, cocking her head to the side to catch the blonde's eyes, Arizona avoiding them and staring at her fingers instead.
"I don't know how I feel. I sit there and I think about how my dad is dead. He's gone. I'll never see him again. I'll never hear his voice again or see his eyes again. And if I sit there and really think about it for long enough I feel like someone has taken all their out of the room, boxed it up, and is letting me suffocate. But then I stop for a minute and I wonder if I really care. My lungs ache even more because I'm sat there wondering if I really care about the fact that my dad is dead. How messed up is that? I wonder if I even loved him or if that was lost a long time ago. Did he ever love me? I don't even know. And I'll never know now."
"Arizona, of course he loved you." Callie spoke, stepping forward again until she was stood in front of Arizona. Arizona didn't want to look at her. She couldn't look at her. She stared at her hands until Callie grabbed one, taking it in her own and linking her fingers through Arizona's. Arizona finally looked up, Callie's dark eyes pulling her back in.
"You don't know that and neither do I. So I just want to work because I can't sit at home one more day and flip back and forth between wondering whether I miss my dad or not. Wondering whether I loved him or not. It's exhausting. I can't do it anymore. I haven't got it in me. I can't-"
Arizona stopped when the tears that had been burning her eyes pooled quickly, tears falling down her cheeks. Callie caught them with her fingers before they reached the bottom of her cheeks, running her thumb under Arizona's eyes before cupping her cheek and pulling her against her body. Arizona felt a sob run through her, trying to push it away but feeling it shake her. Her body trembled as she cried against Callie, hearing her let out soothing noises and tell her everything was okay as she ran her hands through the blonde's hair, tickling her fingers.
"I understand. Don't cry. It's okay. Please don't cry."
…
Just want to say a massive thank you to all of those who are reading and especially to those who comment. I've been planning on writing this fic for a long time but never actually got round to doing it, so thank you to those of you who are enjoying it now that I finally have. I'm hitting a busy part of my life at the minute so, even though I'll try, updates may not be as regular. Once again thank you for reading, hope you enjoy.