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HOW TO WRITE FANFICTION
Chappie numero 6: G-rated Lemon
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Jiraiya walked into the morning light, appreciating the bright sunshine that was beating down every inch of Konoha. It was an exceptionally beautiful day, with a slight breeze and enough sun to tan oneself out on the roof—not that anyone tanned here except Gai.
As he thought, the streets were buzzing with talk about the fanfics on the five precious laptops… Jiraiya walked around feeling smug, thinking, 'Honor me, people, I'm the guy that made this happen.'
Everyone ignored him.
Well, anyways, he decided to drop by Tsunade's on his way to breakfast, to gouge her reaction. She 'must' have read at least one or two fanfics right? She had no reasons to be busy anymore since all conflicts have subsided due to the fact that everyone was preoccupied with writing, even the Akatsukis.
Now that was a laugh.
When he arrived at the tall dome, he looked up to find the window to the Godaime's office slightly open, just enough to trade a simple word or two. He cupped his hands and shouted up.
"G'morning dear Godaime!! How was your night? "
A shoe flew out of the window as a reply—a ten inch stiletto—and Jiraiya ducked apprehensively. Well he did not expect 'that'. A string of incomprehensible throng of words were grumbled out of the crack in the window, some of which Jiraiya could make out as slurred swear words and profanity.
"Huh, what's gotten into 'her'? "
Instead of taking the safe stairs, he flitted up onto the window sill, where he passed Kakashi crouched in his usual spot, reading his usual book. Jiraiya inquired his faithful fan:
"What in the devil has gotten into her? "
Kakashi looked up reluctantly and in one languid motion, lifted his arm to point backwards at the direction of the window. His manner was very, 'you deal with it'.
"I think she's a bit cranky…"
"I HEARD THAT!!! "
"Cruds. "
Kakashi easily jumped over the ledge and jumped out of sight, leaving a bewildered Jiraiya standing alone on top of the windowsill.
"Jiraiya you fucking ass, is that you?! "
"Ah… well, just omit the phrase, 'fucking ass', and yes, that might be me. "
He attempted timidly. Her voice was grouchy and hoarse.
"Don't take the piss, I will kill you if you get on my nerves. "
It seemed like he already had gotten on her nerves. But why?
He cautiously stepped down into room as in the manner of stepping into a tiger's cage. Tsunade was seated in all her glory… on the floor. Several sake bottles were strewn about and he even detected a faint smell of vomit emitting from a corner somewhere. She must have had an orgy of a night.
"Ah…uh, um. Well. Did you happen to read any…of the fanfics yesterday? "
She looked up, livid.
"Yes, I read them. All, actually. "
"All…ALL? "
Jiraiya exclaimed incredulously. He hadn't been expecting that.
Tsunade looked up crankily; she looked like she got a bad case of migraine.
"Yes… a Hokage with time on her hands need something to do. So I read the entire file… and by god, do I regret it! "
Jiraiya cringed; what was wrong? I mean, he did find some of the fanfics boring or outlandish, but it was fun reading them. It was even more fun reading the reviews. What in the world could she be bitching about?
Tsunade continued lamenting:
"This is AGONY… I did not know, did not WISH to know, that our village… our precious village of Konoha… is…is…"
She moaned, hands cradling her bowed head.
"Is? "
Jiraiya prompted. Tsunade glared.
"Packed full to brim with nuts and sarcasm addicts!! "
"Eh? "
"Our village is a nuthouse, goddamit, it's a loony bin in the literal sense!! "
Jiriaya roared in laughter, but was soon pinned to the wall by a grizzly mannered Godaime.
"Don't 'provoke' me Jiraiya, it will cost you your nose at the very least. I've just found out that I was running a village filled with sarcastic youths and mental breakdowns, animal fetishists, not to mention a certain pedophile…oh god, the pedophile… that had me downing two bloody marys… before dawn! Before dawn, ya hear me?! "
The pervert hermit grimaced.
"Ah… well. But didn't you have fun? "
Tsunade frowned.
"Fun? Of 'course' I had fun! If it even hadn't been fun, you'd be by now, sautéed in rosemary butter and thrown off a bridge for the sharks to come… but never mind. This migraine is killing me. "
In the split second Tsunade let go, Jiraiya regained himself and quickly shot out of the window, landing on the hard ground under.
He…might come back later, when her migraine had passed ad she wasn't feeling so…uptight.
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"Ola Jiraiya san! "
A certain blond bimbo was waving at him from a distance afar, but as he got closer, Jiriaya saw that it was a boy. A boy named Kabuto. He looked flushed , excited.
He started talking without prompt.
"Ah, you see… well. I just submitted my very first fanfic!! "
Jiraiya wondered if he should start whooping and clapping; it was kind of hard to summon any enthusiasm when all you'd been doing was read fanfics all day… great, yay. One more to add to the growing pile. Whoop di do.
"I…I do have a request. "
"…huh? "
"Will you read it? It's submission number 102. "
Holy fuck.
So it had broken through the three digit barrier already? Jiraiya tried not to cringe at the number, and smiled at the boy encouragingly .
"Sure, sure. In due time, in due time. "
After his simple meal at the ramen house (Naruto: pervert hermit, you read my story yet? Review, review!! ), Jiraiya returned to his sanctuary of a hotel room and turned on his laptop again. This time, he had let it cool off, so he could spend another 24 hours on an orgy of fanfics…
But first, he would keep his promise.
He scrolled down the list of fanfics in the Konoha file, and came down to submission 102. It went something like this.
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102. Becoming Gorgeous by NurseKabu reviews
The art of plastic surgery
Fiction rated: M –English- Drama/Angst –Chapters 1- Words: 9845 Reviews: 7
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Ugh.
Plastic surgery. Niptuck. Botox land. Lipo.
Jiraiya did not feel like reading the whole disgusting entry—he disliked reading about bloody operations, like sawing off chins and slicing off noses—and besides, it was freakishly long. 9845 words on just plastic surgery?
Nah, pass.
But he did have to have an idea of what it was, so he wouldn't get chewed out by Kabuto later on. So he decided to check up on the reviews…
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Reviews
SnakeyEmoMan: Nice name, madame kabutolisssssa. But bad story.
Shizune: Nurse Kabu? 'Nurse' Kabu? Huh. Well… Don't mind me.
AngryBlueFish: I'd like a nose, please. Don't got one.
DaHokake: I don need plastik surjuary! I'm alrudy gud luking!
HaremKonoha: Hahahaha make me pretty hahaha
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Huh.
It seems like nobody read it.
Jiriaya decided to wing it—if the guy comes up and asks how it was, he'd just ask for a chin-tuck. Whatever.
Next fanfic.
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103. Ssssssex by SnakeyEmoMan reviews
Come and get sssssome.
Fiction rated: K –English- Horror/Romance –Chapters 1- Words: 155 Reviews: 12
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Jiraiya shuddered.
He lived by writing lemon, but… blehhhhhgh.
It triggered his curiosity anyhow. First lemon of all the files, wow.
And why the hell was it rated K?!
Enter, Ssssssex.
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Ssssssex by SnkeyEmoMan
I sssssmell him before he even enterssss the room. My dear Sssssassssuke, my precioussss.
Delicioussssss.
Mmmm.
He ssssmells of sssssssweat, yessss, god yessss.
He is already sssssstripped to his assssss, makess it all the more easier, fassssster.
He sssstands before me like a sssssex toy, like a live ssssssex doll.
Ahhhh rejoice, rejoice.
I walk up to him and sssssay:
"Gimme some oomph babe. Ring a ding ding. Bring me my sssssssexy back, my ding ding dong. "
We have musssssic, Ta la la, by the candlelight… sssssso romantic.
I rip all my clothesssss off, and my neck shootssss up into the air ten feet long… yesss, I am that horny.
Little adorable Sssssasuke is afraid, he runssss… but my neck is fassster than him.
I bite into his beautiful white neck and drag him back… back, ahhhhh.
He ssssstruggless… I bite harder….
He finally stopssss moving, and now… now…
SSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssss….oh yesssssssssssss
(to be continued)
Reviews
ArtisticAtomicBomb: Jeeeeesus fucking Christ. You need therapy.
Iruka: You exposing this to our children? Why doesn't anybody think about the children?!
MarionetteBoiz: Nasty lemon you got there.
KillBBro: Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck my life. Shit, I swear I'll kill you, I swear. After I kill Itachi, of course.
NurseKabu: And you dare criticize "my" fanfic? Eat this pedophile!!
OhSoEvil: I announce you the grand title: Michael Jackson of the Naruto world. I mean you, bud.
9livesminus3: I'm glad you bailed out and ditched Akatsuki. Can't have you polluting my grounds.
ISeeThoughClothes: I see why it's a horror.
Bob: I guess I'm the only one that enjoyed this…?
DangoAnko: First lemon in the Konoha file and it's 'this'… sigh.
Haremkonoha: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGJHJDKFHJSD...
Inustyle: Sadly enough, this is getting over 10 reviews. Oh dang, now 12!
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Jiraiya's eyes boggled.
Never mind about the creepy story; who the hell was Bob?! Why the hell did he/she say this crap was enjoyable? What was wrong with that guy/gal?!
Maybe Tsunade was right. Konoha was a loony bin.
There must have been more perverts here than he had previously thought.
Huh.
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(bloodiedsugs' words on HTWFF-
Haha. Was this a bit too late?
Well, compared to my other fics, this one updates pretty fast—I already told you the reasons.
Uh. About SnakeyEm…Michael Jac… Orochi's lemon. Let's just not discuss it. Lol.
PS: I killed myself with embarrassment+hysterical laughter writing that entry…
Bear with me. )