Celebrity Jeopardy

Players:

Diana Cross - Alexandra Trebeck

Cedric Diggory - Lestat

Harry Potter - Louis

Ron Weasley - Sean Connery

(Jeopardy theme song: we're taken to the stage)

Alexandra: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! I'm your host, Alexandra Trebeck.

Sean: What happened to that bastard Alex?

Alexandra: He's sick, and don't call my father a bastard, thank you very much.

Sean: Daughter? Woah - didn't think Trebeck had it in him to so much as flirt.

Alexandra: ANYWAY. Since we last left our players, Lestat de Lioncourt has negative 3679 dollars -

Lestat: What is money when you can have a good time just hunting the evildoer?

Alexandra: - Sean Connery has negative one hundred thousand -

Sean: Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Alexandra: - and Louis de Pointe du Lac has the only positive score in the game, 3 dollars.

Louis: What is money when I have no one I love to share it with?

Lestat: Well, maybe if YOU had been taking better care of Claudia, you would still have someone to mope around Paris with -

Louis: Shut your mouth, Curly!

Lestat: WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!

Louis: You heard me! I wonder how much time you spend with that hair crimper!

Lestat: You do realize I could kill you with my bare hands and a lighter, correct?

Sean: Both of you stupid bloodsucking ninnies better shut up so we can get on with the bloody game!

Alexandra: Thank you, Mr. Connery.

Sean: That's what your mother said last night.

Louis: Ooo, he just schooled you!

Lestat: Looks like someone just got burned!

Alexandra: ANYWAY. This round's categories are... 'Vampires', 'What Color', 'Animal Sounds', 'YouTube Videos', and 'Foods That End in -orkchops'. Louis won the backstage coin toss and therefore will be going first.

Lestat: It's only because he used a double-sided coin!

Alexandra: Lestat, one more outburst and I will personally throw you out of the studio.

Lestat: Sorry. Bitch.

Louis: I'll take Vampires for 200.

Alexandra: ... "This famous literary anti-hero has appeared in over 5 novels and was played by Tom Cruise and Stuart Townsend." buzzer Yes, Louis?

Louis: Uh... Marius?

Alexandra: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Lestat: (to Louis) You ass!

Sean: It's about time we got some contestants who are my proteges in arguing!

Alexandra: Since no one got that right, Louis, it's still your turn. And the correct answer was 'Lestat'.

Lestat: And what with the albums and the novels, you'd think that my own freaking fledging would know the answer!

Louis: I'm sorry! I was reading Marius-Armand slash before the show.

Lestat: Wha...?

Sean: (chuckling) Ah, Marius-Armand slash. Rule number 1, there's slash for everything.

Louis: I'll take 'Animal Sounds' for 200.

Alexandra: ... "This is the sound a cow makes." buzzer Yes, Mr. Connery?

Sean: Moo.

Alexandra: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Sean: Oh well - that's the sound your mother made last night.

Alexandra: What IS it with you and cracking jokes about people's mothers?

Sean: YOUR MUM.

Alexandra: Wha -

Sean: YOUR MUM'S FACE.

Alexandra: Moving on -

Sean: YOUR MUM'S FACE WHILE MAKING OUT WITH A WAFFLE.

Alexandra: - it's now time for Final Jeopardy, and the category is... Song Lyrics. Just write down a line of a song. Any song. Final Jeopardy Music Let's see the answers. First, Lestat de Lioncourt... "I Heart David Talbot". I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Let's see your wager... "David Talbot's Hand in Marriage."

Lestat: (nodding) That's right. 'Cause he's awesome like that.

Alexandra: Fascinating, but that's still incorrect.

Lestat: What?! That was in my band's song 'Ballad of the Hotties'!

Alexandra: ... right... Louis, you're next. Your answer... "I Heart Edward Cullen".

Lestat: Louis, darling, how could you?!

Louis: (shrugs) I dunno. He's hot.

Alexandra: And your wager... "Edward's topaz eyes staring at my soul". Wow, that was slightly disturbing... incorrect... Mr. Connery, let's see what you wrote this time.

Sean: (nodding condescendingly) Oh yeah. This'll pwn.

Alexandra: "She wore an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini". Wow, amazing! You actually wrote song lyrics! That's correct! And your wager... "That Alexandra Trebeck wore on the Moulin Rouge stage."

Sean: (cracking up) Take that, Trebeck!

Alexandra: I'm sorry, but you didn't win anything and therefore no one wins.

Sean: What?! I played your game, Trebeck, you rogue - THE TITLE OF WINNER IS MINE!

Alexandra: Join us next week for another episode of 'Celebrity Jeopardy'!