Draco: *in mocking tone* Oh, look at me, I'm Harry Potter. Oh no, a scawy dementor. Oh, dear… *pretends to faint*
Harry: Yeah, because I'm sure he was so calm while those things attacked.
Fred: Don't worry Harry, he wasn't. He actually crapped his pants.
Ron: What? Really?
George: Well, we may have used the 'crap your pants' charm, but that's irrelevant.
Harry: There's a charm for that?
Fred: I was just seeing if faeces increases would do anything. It did.
George: By the way, here are your timetables for the year.
Ron: Hey, they screwed mine up. It says I have Divination, Muggle Studies, and Arithmancy at the same time.
Hermione: That would be mine.
Harry: Three classes at once? Hmm, if only you had some kind of magic to help you get to all of them…
Hermione: Come on Harry, you're not so daft to believe that magic exists, are you?
Hagrid: 'ey kids, pretty excited f'r me firs' class wit' ya this afternoon.
Harry: Hagrid, why are you holding a dead polecat?
Hagrid: Oh, this ol' thing? I need it f'r me lesson.
Harry: Not a comforting thought.
Hagrid: Well, I better… *the polecat suddenly lifts it head. Hagrid grabs a butterknife a stabs it through the eye* …be goin' *leaves*
Harry: And I've lost my appetite. Let's go to Divination.
*on their way there*
Ron: Divination's in the North tower. Now, if only we had a compass.
Harry: I'm pretty sure a compass wouldn't work in the castle's strong magical field.
Hermione: You mean electromagnetic, right?
Harry: Whatever.
?: Take that, ye dastardly beast. En garde. Ah-ha, gotcha.
Ron: What is that? *goes around corner to see a knight in a picture frame* Who are you?
Cadogan: HALT! Who goes there?
Harry: Three students looking for the Divination classroom.
Cadogan: Divination? WITCHCRAFT! I shall slay you. HIYAH! *stabs at the front of the portrait, does nothing to the trio*
Harry: Right…we gotta go now.
Cadogan: You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
*outside the Divination classroom*
Dean: *looking up at trapdoor to classroom* So…how are we meant to get up there? *a ladder falls from the trapdoor* That doesn't look safe.
Harry: You mean like everything else in this damn castle?
Seamus: Well, ladies first.
Lavender: I'm wearing a skirt.
Seamus: I know *gets punched in the face* Worth it.
Ron: After you Harry.
Harry: I object to this for the same reason as the girls.
Ron: I know *gets punched in the face* Worth it.
*in the Divination classroom*
Trelawny: Hello class, I am your teacher Sybil Trelawny. Before we begin, I'd like to tell Mr. Finnigan he is free to go to the Hospital Wing after he tries to balance a crystal ball on his dick.
Seamus: Hey, I was not going to… *sees crystal ball* Hmm…
Trelawny: Now in this class, we will *sickening crunch is heard, followed by Seamus leaving the classroom* learn about predicting the future. Or at least most of us will. One of our number will leave, sometime around Easter.
Hermione: Is she threatening to kill one of us?
Harry: Don't worry, it's around Easter. Whoever it is will probably be back three days later.
Trelawny: Now, grab some tea cups, and we'll start with tea leaves. Pantsless one, when you break a teacup, please take one of the blue ones.
Neville: At least it's not me this… *looks down* Oh…Maybe it's one of the girls? They're wearing skirts, not pants *drops teacup* Damn it.
Trelawny: *pointing* And you, beware of the red-haired man.
Harry: Was she pointing at me or Parvati?
Parvati: Probably you. The only red-haired man I know is my new step-father, and he's a nice enough man. Well, when he's not drinking. In fact, just before we left for Hogwarts, he said I was growing up nicely, then put his hands on my shoulders. I'm not sure what happened afterwards…
Harry: Please stop talking before we get banned.
Trelawny: And your rabbit will die on October 16th.
Lavender: Now that's just mean.
Trelawny: Now shut up, sit your asses down in those chairs, and drink your goddamn tea. But leave the dregs. We need those.
*later*
Ron: So, what do you see in mine?
Harry: I see you've drawn a dick with the tea leaves.
Ron: Surely that still means something good, right?
Harry: It actually means impotence.
Ron: Aww…
Harry: So what does mine say?
Ron: Umm…is that a dog?
Trelawny: Dog? Let me see that *grabs Harry's cup* Oh no, nonononono.
Harry: Let me guess, I'm gonna die?
Trelawny: You can't accept things like this so casually.
Harry: Actually I can. Someone tried to kill me when I was a year old. Late in my first year, Quirrell tried to kill me to appease his master, who was on the back of his head cheering him on. I nearly died earlier this year from basilisk venom. Just yesterday before arriving at school I was told Sirius Black wants me dead, and a god damn dementor attacked me. So you can't tell me that I'm going to die and expect me to be surprised by it.
Trelawny: We'll leave class here today.
Hermione: But we still have fifteen minutes.
Trelawny: Class dismissed.
*after class*
Hermione: What a load of crap. I thought her class would be more about predicting the future based on educated guessing. Instead, we're drinking tea and looking in crystal balls.
Harry: Wow, you of all people are criticising a class.
Hermione: I mean, I get that it makes it seem more authentic, but come on.
Ron: Hey, we've still got ten minutes until Transfiguration. Did you want to see if there was any work to collect from the other classes you're supposed to be doing now?
Hermione: Erm…yeah, I better do that *runs off. Seconds later Hermione comes up behind them* I'm back guys.
Harry: Wait, how did you…?
Hermione: Never mind that. Come on, McGonagall will be mad if we're late.
*in Transfiguration*
McGonagall: Good morning class. How has your first day been?
Harry: Well, apparently I'm going to die, so…that's a thing.
McGonagall: Divination first?
Harry: Should I be concerned that you figured it out from that?
McGonagall: Oh, she does this every year. She thinks it builds her status as a teacher.
Harry: And the people she's predicted the deaths of?
McGonagall: Well, most of them are either in catatonic shock, mental institutes, or Azkaban, but not dead.
Harry: That's just most, not all, right?
McGonagall: The only other one is Fred Weasley, so make of that what you will.
Ron: Well now we know she's full of shit. Where Fred goes, George goes. If she only said one will die, she's clearly a loony.
*at lunch*
Hermione: I honestly don't know how Trelawny got that job. She probably tricked Dumbledore somehow.
Harry: Wow Hermione, I've never seen you so mad at a teacher.
Hermione: At least my arithmancy teacher seems competent, if a bit strict. That was a good lesson.
Harry: You mean in the few minutes you were there?
Hermione: Err…gotta get to Care of Magical Creatures *leaves*
Harry: What the hell is she doing? Time travelling?
Ron: Don't be silly Harry. Time travelling is strictly forbidden.
Harry: Wait, it's actually a thing?
Ron: Off to class.
Harry: ANSWER ME DAMN IT!
*heading towards Hagrid's hut*
Draco: Oh, you're taking this class too?
Harry: Fuck off Malfoy.
Draco: Let's hope our first class isn't about dementors.
Harry: Yeah, you might crap your pants again.
Draco: …fuck off Potter.
Hagrid: Aw'ight, e'ryone 'ere? I got somef'ng special for yeh toda'. Introducin'… 'ippogriffs *nothing happens* I said, introducin'… 'ippogriffs *still nothing happens* 'old on, be right back *goes into woods* GET OUT THERE YA MORONS *horrible screeching and growling sounds, followed by three Hippogriffs being thrown into the paddock. Hagrid returns, covered in cuts and bruises* Introducin'… 'ippogriffs.
Harry: I'm already horrified at what you're gonna ask us to do.
Hagrid: Why yes 'arry, you can pet one of 'em.
Harry: That not what I… *gets thrown into paddock by Hagrid. Starts backing away and keeping low* Nice horsey…nice horsey.
Hagrid: That's it 'arry, compliment 'em and bow. Now, if Buckbeak bows back… *Buckbeak bows* 'E DID! Looks like 'e's gonna let yeh ride 'im now.
Harry: I really don't want to… *Buckbeak throws Harry onto his back and flies out of the paddock* SON OF A BI… *flies off into the distance*
Ron: Is he gonna be okay? *Buckbeak flies back to paddock, throwing Harry off his back violently*
Harry: …TCH!
Hagrid: Vereh good 'arry. Now, 'o wants a turn next?
Draco: I'll go. I mean, if this ugly brute will let Potter ride him, why not me?
Hagrid: Err, yeh might not want to insult 'im.
Draco: Why? What's the worst this glorified chicken donkey can do?
*Buckbeak lets out ear-piercing screech and begins attacking Malfoy, who starts screaming in terror*
Ron: Should we do something?
Harry: Why? This is the best thing ever *gets sprayed by Malfoy's blood* It's so beautiful.
Hagrid: *dragging Buckbeak off Malfoy* Right, aye think we'll leave today's lesson 'ere, before aye get arrested again. You boy, can yeh get to the 'ospital Wing?
Draco: I was just mauled by that turkey mule. What do you… *Buckbeak breaks free of Hagrid and resumes its assault*
*that night*
Hermione: Do you think Hagrid's gonna be okay? I mean, his first class was interrupted by a student getting savaged.
Harry: I know I'm okay with a class being interrupted by Malfoy getting savaged.
Hermione: Let's go see how he is.
*at Hagrid's hut*
Hermione: Hagrid, are you in there?
Hagrid: *hiccup* Yeah…yeah, I'm *hiccup* here *opens door to let them in*
Ron: Are you drinking to forget what happened today?
Hagrid: What? No, I'm drinkin' 'coz I'm Scottish.
Harry: How's Malfoy?
Hagrid: Oh, he'll be fine. Jus' a hangnail.
Harry: Okay. Pretty sure I ended up with all his blood on me, but whatever.
Hagrid: It was a pretty bad hangnail.On the plus side, he can't sue me.
Hermione: You do remember who his father is, right?
Hagrid: …oh shit.